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AIBU?

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Original poster

ND child, mother in laws opinions

185 replies

Yukoayh · 13/10/2025 12:32

DH and I have been married for 12 years, we have two kids 7 and 3. The 3yo is undiagnosed but quite clearly autistic (lots of issues, hard child to parent etc) he is currently on the never ending list for an assessment.

We both work for the NHS on low bands so we receive Uc top up every month. We also rent our house from my in laws.

I’ve always gotten on well with said in laws, they are the type that can never do enough for you, always go overboard at christmas and would help us out at the drop of a hat.

However my relationship with them has changed since having DS2. From the very start he was a hard baby and this put a lot of strain on my marriage. DH spend a few nights in the doghouse at theirs. Every time this happened MIL would give me the silent treatment for a few weeks (usually she texts regularly) even if it was my DH in the wrong… which it always was.

Also DS2 was always developmentally not quite where he should be, however inlaws always refused to acknowledge/believe this. They see the behaviour and you can see the judgy look on MIL face and she has even said “hes just a naughty child” we decided about a year ago to stop speaking to them about his development / asd pathway because their comments were not helpful.

Now DS2 is almost 4 we are starting to see even more ND in him and starting to think about how school will look, what extra support he might need etc, so with support of his nursery, childminder and HV I applied for DLA. To my surprise we got it, and we got high rate care. We agreed not to tell in laws as they won’t understand.

When I was out on Thursday my MIL came round to see my DH. he admitted they’ve now fallen out because he showed her we had brought a new fridge freezer and she asked “why have you got so much money” (we got a new fridge freezer and we hired a skip 🤣) to which -for some reason- he told her about the DLA.
She went mad questioning him “Why do you have to label him” “he needs stricter boundaries” etc and then she asked how does a new fridge help our son…

Apparently my husband held his own but honestly I am livid.
I now feel incredibly uncomfortable living in their house, or having anything to do with them quite honestly. AIBU to consider moving out because of this?

OP posts:
ThejoyofNC · 13/10/2025 13:15

Purpleturtle45 · 13/10/2025 12:57

She is overstepping by commenting on your child and parenting. Renting from then doesn't give them any more right to comment, however you might want to think about getting your own place it you think that contributes so them thinking they have the right to comment.

My understanding is that DLA should be spent on the child and supporting their needs, however that still doesn't give her the right to comment.

It obviously muddies the waters if your husband is having to spend nights there, therefore it is affecting them as well. If you want them to keep out then you should think about separating yourselves from them a bit.

If they are subsidising the family through the low rent then they have the right to question finances.

Azandme · 13/10/2025 13:15

All these sanctimonious comments about DLA being "for the chiiiiiild".

Well, obviously.

Here's a thought for the pearlclutchers among us. OP and her DH have been meeting their ASD child's needs from their income right up to now. The DLA will now be covering those costs, leaving them with more of their non-DLA income available to spend on whatever the fuck they choose. Including a fridge or a skip.

And, shocking thought - even kids NEED fridges for all the bloody yoghurt and berries they scarf.

FML.

Cookingupmyfirstbornson · 13/10/2025 13:15

I mean surely you see that disabled child money isn't for a skip or white goods?!

ThejoyofNC · 13/10/2025 13:13

So did he tell her you bought the fridge freezer and hired the skip using the DLA money? Is that true?

Homephonea · 13/10/2025 13:11

MidnightPatrol · 13/10/2025 13:07

The purpose of DLA isn’t to purchase a fridge freezer or hire a skip OP.

It’s to spend on your child.

Exactly. This is why welfare benefits need to be looked at again. People wasting taxpayers funds. Makes me sick.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/10/2025 13:10

Are you renting at normal rate for the property or are they, or at least feel they are, doing you a big favour by charging them less? If you think the arrangement is giving them too much influence then yes, get your own place.

DH shouldn’t be slinking off to his parents when the two of you fall out. Be the adults you are and sort things out between you rather than involving other people. Like renting from them, it’s possibly infantilising you as a couple.

MidnightPatrol · 13/10/2025 13:07

The purpose of DLA isn’t to purchase a fridge freezer or hire a skip OP.

It’s to spend on your child.

autienotnaughty · 13/10/2025 13:06

If you don’t want them involved in your marriage don’t involve them. Keep your arguments to yourselfs equally don’t tell them about your finances. He could have fobbed her off saying it was on sale or display model.
The ignorance around disabilities is down to lack of knowledge. Explain the benefits of diagnosis interms of support in school, ensuring you are parenting is right for him and for him to better understand himself when he is older. Be clear it’s not a negative he is who is and diagnose doesn’t change that but it helps you understand better.

Purpleturtle45 · 13/10/2025 12:57

She is overstepping by commenting on your child and parenting. Renting from then doesn't give them any more right to comment, however you might want to think about getting your own place it you think that contributes so them thinking they have the right to comment.

My understanding is that DLA should be spent on the child and supporting their needs, however that still doesn't give her the right to comment.

It obviously muddies the waters if your husband is having to spend nights there, therefore it is affecting them as well. If you want them to keep out then you should think about separating yourselves from them a bit.

BeLilacSloth · 13/10/2025 12:56

This is odd OP, if you don’t want anything to do with in-laws, why send your DH to spend the night there when you’ve argued? You’re literally sending him there to bitch about you. Also a very immature way to deal with that situation. They have got a point, DLA money should not be spent on a new fridge. The highest amount should go to children with very high needs, not to brag to your friends and family about shiny new posessions. Many parents with children with severe needs go without.

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