ND child, mother in laws opinions

It's none of your MIL's business what you spend your money on or how you parent your child.

However, this really stood out for me:

DH spend a few nights in the doghouse at theirs. Every time this happened MIL would give me the silent treatment for a few weeks (usually she texts regularly) even if it was my DH in the wrong… which it always was.

Can you seriously not see why constantly throwing your husband out to stay with his parents every time you had a disagreement. and insisting that you were never the one in the wrong, might make your MIL annoyed and impatient with you? Ultimately, you're essentially saying 'I am never wrong and your son is an arsehole, so you deal with him instead', repeatedly, so I'm not surprised that affected your relationship with her.

Do NOT send him to ILs when you’ve had a row! So much wrong with this! Main thing being it involves them in your marriage and gives them an opinion. My cousin used to do this all the time and it led to his mum and his wife not speaking. Not a good idea, please stop!

as for your son, yes time to keep contact with ILs to a minimum until they educate themselves and accept his diagnosis. If this means moving elsewhere then that would be a good idea if you can afford it.

I am surprised that you decide unilaterally that your husband has to leave his house and go home to his Mummy and Daddy if you consider that he has misbehaved. His parents own the house and you don't think this is unwise on your part? It sounds like a child being sent home from a play date. Not a fully grown man.
Are you always the Boss? You write that you are always right? It can't be nice to be around someone who is always the boss.

OP has already clarified that the old one had broken drawers and it wasn't used with DLA money anyway.

But washing machines don't last long. We're on 4th, and yet are still on our first fridge. Sounds as if the new fridge freezer was a luxury.

I’m still amazed at landing higher level DLA, for a 3 year old, at first try ..

He must have significant care needs, both day & night, to get that - you do wonder how she couldn’t notice.

Yep.

We have 2 fridges. 1 is especially for my son due to his disability.

Just a thought. As Autism is often genetic do you notice any traits in your mil or any of her kids . This might explain her severe reaction as it may be touching a nerve.
As for the fridge etc ...for goodness sake people cop on! This is a total red herring that people are jumping on.

Good to see we have moved on as a society from saying everyone on receipt of benefits is using them cigarettes and wide screen tv's. Now we get to blame people for wanting to access refrigeration!

I can't answer the poll. YANBU for wanting to move out of their property, but YABU for your reasoning.

Stop involving them in your marriage and stop the relegated to the "doghouse" situation. Move out and have a normal relationship with them. Perhaps consider therapy for your marriage.

That's why I said "if"

OP please please ignore the sanctimonious posts about the FF. Of course that’s what the money is for. I’ve a child with asd and I’m a carer. People need to realise that in most families where a child has additional needs one or even both parents end up not fulfilling their initial career potential. Childcare can be difficult or not existent depending on your child’s needs so yes a bloody Fridge Freezer which is an essential item for the home should be bought out of money given to carers. Washing machines are another thing carers go through a lot of and I know from a group I go to that tvs get broken a lot from children who throw things. However I’m sure someone who apparently knows better will come along in a minute to tell me this is due to poor parenting. The money is to make your life easier which benefits the child you are caring for. Some people just don’t have a clue

I mean I’ve been told for high rate care they have to have very very obvious disability, it’s not just given out for kids with ND that just appear to be naughty. So how can she not see it?

That's none of your bloody business.

That is one conclusion…

If the number of children suffering from a disability has doubled in 10 years that is a major public health crisis…

I don’t think most would be in an institution or ‘left to die’ (OP’s child sounds like they have some challenges that will hopefully be overcome with the right professional advice) but I do think there is a question as so what additional financial support is given for issues within the broad group of neurodiversity-related issues (noting the impact of these will vary greatly).

I think our expectations as a society on what the state will provide are increasingly disconnected from what people are willing to pay for those services - which presents a problem.

Totally this ^^

OP, you’re just going to get benefits bashed on here. Much of MN know nothing about disability and the extra strains it places on a household budget. Nor do they realise that, much of the time, the DLA/PIP/ADP doesn’t come anywhere near covering those additional costs. Just ignore these people.

I'm sure the OP appreciates you telling her her probably autistic three year old would have ended up in an institution if born not many years earlier, or that she's part of an 'unfortunately' increasingly disabled population.

OP your MIL is very similar to how my parent were when my DC’s were diagnosed, as the years have gone on they have realised how bloody hard it is and how hard I have had to fight for the correct support and education for my DC’s but sadly they still think the fact my DC’s get benefits is wrong…..and the fact I get UC because I have to care for them alone. I’m often made to feel like I am a scrounger and that I’m lazy. I no longer tell them if I’m buying anything or going anywhere nice because they don’t think I should be allowed these things (basic things that people need in the home like a new kettle).

I am glad you got awarded DLA for your dc, people seem to assume it’s handed out to anyone now and that’s just not the case. There’s a huge amount of evidence needed, even more so if you haven’t yet got a diagnosis.

Unfortunately the population is slowly becominng more disabled it seems or quite simple these kids would of been put in a institution or left to die not that long ago, so thats why dla rates are increasing.

Yep.

I was surprised that I got it initially because so many people have to fight for it. It wasn't because I didn't think he wouldn't be entitled to it, I wasn't surprised at all that he was awarded high rate care and high rate mobility.

Yeah… I don’t think that’s what most people are imagining when families are being extra money to support a disabled child who has high rate care needs each month really.

6% of all children are in receipt of DLA vs 3% in 2013. 8% of 15 year olds claim it. The numbers continue to grow - and so people question it.

Same

Maybe she was surprised because so many applications are initially rejected.