ND child, mother in laws opinions

guess you and the other poster haven't bothered to RTFT.

We’re constantly told about how expensive it is to be disabled and that’s why the money is needed. But how accurate is that if half of recipients spend it on non disability related items?

OP didn't need your judgement on what she spends her DC DLA on yet here you are.....

The DLA is supposed to cover child’s additional expenses - not to buy appliances for the house or hire skips.

Didn’t need your life story, ‘my expert opinion’ 🤣🤣🤣

My children are autistic, ADHD and have severe learning disabilities, one still non verbal and doubly incontinent. Both only ever been to special schools. When they were 3 I still had people saying they were just naughty, it was my parenting and they just needed a smack...

Yes, I agree. Broken record ....
😊

It is on care needs. So HRC is generally awarded when the child needs significant supervision and care, above the needs of a typically-developing child, both day and night. Without night-time needs, HRC is not awarded (I believe).

I have a question that perhaps shouldn’t be asked on a public forum (but I bet a lot of parents with similar children on the never ending list for assessment would like to know) and that is on what basis DLA was awarded at the higher rate.
Looking at the award criteria for DLA it’s hard to imagine how a child described as developmentally ‘not quite’ where he should be and that granny thinks is just a naughty child would qualify for this.
Apologies for missing the point of OP’s post. I’ve not voted but this wouldn’t be a moving out issue for me

Dla is for the disabled childs needs like therapy, or replacing items they have broken etc...

Where did you get this info? Can't find it anywhere. Can you link please?

My son receives DLA and we used one of his payments to buy a chest freezer. He is lactose intolerant and alergic to dustmites.
We use the freezer to store his pillow and teddy during the day as advised by the paediatrician and to store the vegan pizza and ice cream he eats. Should I not have used his money to buy a freezer for him?

I also used his DLA to fix the washing machine last year so I could continue washing his soiled bedding and clothing rather than waiting until I got paid. Was that wrong?

I also use his DLA to buy his bus ticket to school to help foster his independence. Again, should I not use his DLA for that.

What, in your expert opinion, should I use his DLA for?

It does sound as if your in-laws are too involved in your business, so to speak. Renting your home from them contributes to this but I can see why it’s a good option given how difficult the rental market is nowadays, it gives you stability.

They shouldn’t be involved in your arguments though. Your DH running to them every time you have a row isn’t healthy. Barring something serious like abusive behavior or DV, it’s better if couples work things out together and don’t run to their parents. Next time you have a row, perhaps your DH could go out to clear his head but then return to sort things out. That’s what my DH and I have done in over 20 years together, our parents have no idea when we have a row.

Your MIL is likely having a hard time accepting that your DS is ND. She’ll have to eventually if/when he receives a formal diagnosis. It’s frustrating @Yukoayh, but hang in there, they don’t sound like bad people given that they’re generally supportive.

Well said. You've got that exactly right.

You think a new fridge freezer is a luxury in the UK?
Just as well you don’t post much @Idontpostmuch

You need your own place and to be less involved with inlaws. I suspected that my DS had ASD when he was 2.5 but MIL told me it was me, I was the problem as I couldn't parent properly. Even now she refuses to accept his diagnosis and makes comments like "he's just naughty, you're not strict enough, there's nothing wrong with him, funny how he's fine in school, we are all on the spectrum" and SIL constantly tells us her kid has ASD ( not diagnosed or showing any signs) - she has just self diagnosed her kid because she is an attention seekers. Some families like drama. I dont. I haven't spoken to inlaws for 2 years.

I really think this is such an under-discussed topic. As parents, of course we move mountains to care for our children, but the financial impact is beyond wild. I have only managed to work very part time for the last 11 years - and only then from home. This has meant I've had to stay with the same employer - in the same role, with very little in the way of pay rises - because who else is going to hire a mum who has to flee at a moment's notice because their child has been rushed to hospital, or has to come home because school (yes, it is a SEN school) are struggling with behaviours. Who will hire someone who has a child who can never attend a breakfast or after-school club - or attend any kind of regular holiday club - who needs specialist 2 to 1 support instead of a regular babysitter. It means that you accept jobs that are paid much less than your earning potential - and once your child enters a SEN school, don't even dream about trying to move house to a cheaper area - as SEN school places are like hen's teeth and the upheaval for a child with rigid routines is almost unbearable to consider. The financial impact isn't just the fact that bills are much higher (obsessive tap runner in the house here), or that specialist foods cost more, it is the unseen impact: there is a financial glass wall for many special needs parents with regards to earnings and life decisions that go far beyond simple daily costs.

One thing I'd say to the OP, is that if you do want to move eventually - do it now. Once you have a child with SEN, so many of your pre-parenting decisions become set in stone and financially, I've been stuck in a time-warp. My son was born in one of the most expensive counties in the UK and while it was perfect for us for a few years with regard to my husband's job - and we got our little one settled into a great Special School - we could have really done with moving somewhere cheaper much earlier. Now he is so rigid in his routines that a move of house would be traumatic, and finding a new special school place in another county would be extremely lengthy and difficult - potentially being out of school for a long period of time during the transition would likely lead to me having to give up my job. We are stuck. We cannot afford to buy property where we are, and we cannot logistically move to somewhere cheaper - so we are unable to get on the property ladder in a way that other, more mobile/flexible families could.

I don't regret any of these decisions for a moment - all of them have been made to ensure that my son's daily life is safe, consistent and happy and that means more than any amount of cash. But my earning potential is on the floor, I pray every week that my job is safe because I am functionally unemployable by anyone other than my current lovely employer - and every day expenses seem to go up. And then people pop along on the internet and tell other SEN mums that they are misusing funds when they buy a fridge.

Sorry for the rant - I've clearly been holding onto some things - who knew! But please don't think you are alone OP - many of us have travelled your road (difficult MIL included). There are a bunch of us out here ready to give any advice and support we can :-).

Oh yes OP, if you haven't already, make sure to inform UC that your child receives high rate care and the date your claim started. Request for it to go to a decision maker and they will back pay it to the date your claim started.

Do you know that you're entitled to extra uc because of the DLA?

I think DH was foolhardy to tell MIL that DLA went on a new fridge, that'd have been like a red rag to a bull. I completely understand the DLA doesn't cover anywhere near his needs but speaking like it's going in the general family pot will rub people the wrong way.

I have a 3 year old who has high rate care with Autism. People's general opinion changed when DS got his diagnosis.
I know that there are people who don't understand, and if they lack the capacity to understand then I guess that's how they are and can't be changed but I'd probably contact her and say something like
"I know you think that DS is poorly parented, and needs better boundaries, and maybe he isn't parented according to what he needs because until recently I've been parenting him like all the other parents of kids the same age.
The truth is that DS is developing differently to the typical child. I am parenting him to the best of my ability. I parent with the intent that he will grow up feeling understood, loved, and a good person. I know that a part of that is his actions need to fall within what is acceptable in public but that isn't always possible, and not everyone is able to show acceptance so I am really hoping that we, as his family who love him can show some understanding and support him when he is struggling- because the outside world are going to be unkind at times.
I would love your support whilst we are navigating the system to ensure diagnosis and correct ways of ensuring he grows up to be a confident, happy, well adjusted, well regulated adult.
Now we have DLA in place, that will of course go on things that will help him to overcome some of his difficulties.

I know right now, this all seems very different to how things were, even a few years ago, but please trust that we are all doing our best. I would love to keep a strong relationship with you, where I can call on you for help, and ask advice but I have felt that you haven't been understanding of DS additional needs, and I will admit it has meant I've pulled away. I don't know how to navigate having a child who isn't responding to typical parenting advice. I don't know how to navigate feeling that you think we are parenting him to make him this way, I don't know how to navigate a system that's broken, where a diagnosis should change access to support, but even when he gets that, I will need to fight for everything he needs.

Sorry, its long! But I think she needs to understand how damaging this is for DS, and also to you.

I'm not even with my husband anymore, but his mother is my absolute biggest cheerleader. She came on holiday with me and the youngest 2 a few months ago.
She's not especially useful in practical terms, but she is always there saying "I don't know how you manage! I've known kids all my life! But not one like him. Let me make you a cup of tea!" Or offers to go to appointments with us. Even the once we went on holiday together, such a nice time we had- she cried that DS kicked off and she didn't know how to help.... whilst it might not sound like it was helpful, the fact that it's happened quite often and I know how to deal with it made me feel quite skilled!

You need some support. Are you attending SEND clubs? Are you part of a parent support hub?

Plus at £280, it's really not an all singing all dancing one but a needed and will do the job, to keep food safely for the family.

Just a thought, maybe shes pissed off that they’ve spent all that money on the house you rent & her child still gets chucked out and has to stay at their house? 😂 Maybe thats what is grating on her.

Ok, ours is currently 8yo bosch (bought when DS was tiny as the previous bosch decided it wanted a repair that cost more than a new machine and with a sicky baby, no chance we could wait a week either). It's fine AFAIK.
Dryer was bought when we had renovations done, so 11 years ago although husband competently repaired whichever thing it was that tried to burn out/ set on fire about 3 years ago. Fridge/freezer also same age

Maybe the fridge freezer makes OP able to batch cook the 5 meals that kiddo will actually eat?

Maybe kiddo has been really dysregulated and broken the fridge drawers?

Maybe kiddo likes the sensory experience of swinging from the fridge door and the hinges are buggered?

Maybe, as suggested numerous times, OP has been covering all of the additional costs of his disability and the impact on the family and now has eaten through all of their savings?

@Yukoayh in your position I would have one last try and having a calm conversation with ILs and if nothing changes move out and put distance between you all. It may be possible to rebuild a different relationship with less entanglement.

I think she's very much in the wrong about your dc, but I think it's strange that your dh gets chucked out when you argue. That's not normal and your MIL probably thinks the same. Just end it if you're going to do this rather than throwing him out of his own home if you disagree. Would you like to be punished for disagreeing by being thrown out of your home?

Oh give over, it’s a fridge freezer not a brand new BMW.

OP explained that the drawers were all broken and sharp, not ideal with a 3 year old who’ll be into everything and may not understand danger/instructions to leave well alone. There’s also a difference in the tech in newer models - our fridge freezer is bigger inside than same size older versions which matters if you need to store food up for a child with ARFID.

Families shouldn’t be forced to live in poverty with broken appliances because their disabled child costs more to care for.

I cant believe people are up in arms about a fridge that was bought with money that wasn't there's, and spent on a much needed appliance.
Would it have been better for the family including the child to suffer till payday? Or have all the food be wasted because it had gone off and the family having to spend extra money on food everyday because they have nowhere to store perishables.
Anyone would think they had bought a jacuzzi🙄