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AIBU?

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Original poster

Moan I can't have in real life

64 replies

Floursacktabletop · 12/10/2025 22:29

I've got a sibling I love very much. They are ND (ASD)
They are high functioning (work as a finance manager )
Their ASD means that there's loads of things they just can't do like think of me first, empathise and I end up doing lots of things for them but they never think of me in the same way.
The latest is a lift I'm.expected to give as they can't drive at the mo. They hadn't even thought of trying to make the lift easier for me. I'm not very robust at the moment and it's getting me down. There's nothing that needs fixing, or any solutions given. I just wanted a moan. I love them a lot, I could never say this in real life. I just wanted a moan! Feeling sorry for myself

OP posts:
ViciousCurrentBun · 13/10/2025 08:31

I’m assuming it’s probably a family funeral or memorial?

Whilst booking taxis rurally is hard, I grew up semi rurally it’s not impossible you just have to pay £££ and book way in advance.

You can never change a persons personality just change your reaction to their behaviour.

Whats your actual life like away from family, are you possibly just too entangled?

Original poster
Floursacktabletop · 13/10/2025 07:59

AbzMoz · 13/10/2025 06:02

That sounds so draining. But, first you don’t have to be the solution to all challenges. Can your sibling use public transport or get a taxi? Can they arrange that for themself? Is there another relative to help?
Second, it’s evident your sibling won’t actively check you’re ok, but you can set boundaries. Do you have relatives/friends who are supportive, or a therapist who can listen?

There really is no solution to the current lift situation due to lots of logistical issues that sometimes people on MN don't get (rural location and no uber/taxi available. On the other point , I maybe could talk to friends but I don't think k they'll get it as they all have big families/lovely partners

OP posts:
AbzMoz · 13/10/2025 06:02

That sounds so draining. But, first you don’t have to be the solution to all challenges. Can your sibling use public transport or get a taxi? Can they arrange that for themself? Is there another relative to help?
Second, it’s evident your sibling won’t actively check you’re ok, but you can set boundaries. Do you have relatives/friends who are supportive, or a therapist who can listen?

Tablesandchairs23 · 13/10/2025 05:58

Floursacktabletop · 12/10/2025 22:48

I can definitely clearly ask for.help, but my moan is that I have to and I don't ever feel considered or looked after

I get your. None of my family have ever put me first not even as a kid. None of them are ND.

Original poster
Floursacktabletop · 13/10/2025 05:41

BauhausOfEliott · 12/10/2025 23:12

People aren’t mind-readers. Ask for things if you want them - especially when you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t necessarily pick up on hints or anticipate others’ feelings.

At the moment, you’re just making a martyr of yourself. You’re having a moan here that you absolutely can have in real life, but have chosen not to. If you keep doing things for people, without ever communicating your own needs or difficulties or feelings about that, people will naturally assume you’re happy and well enough to do them.

Show quote history

I'm not making a martyr of myself at all.
My feelings are about having to tell people what I need. No one ever considers me first. In the current situation no one has thought "I bet flour doesn't want to do a long round trip after an emotionally difficult and long day"
It's just been " I don't drive so flour will take me"
I know you'll say "just say you cant" but the real life nuance means I really do have to, for boring reasons

OP posts:
BauhausOfEliott · 12/10/2025 23:12

Floursacktabletop · 12/10/2025 22:48

I can definitely clearly ask for.help, but my moan is that I have to and I don't ever feel considered or looked after

People aren’t mind-readers. Ask for things if you want them - especially when you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t necessarily pick up on hints or anticipate others’ feelings.

At the moment, you’re just making a martyr of yourself. You’re having a moan here that you absolutely can have in real life, but have chosen not to. If you keep doing things for people, without ever communicating your own needs or difficulties or feelings about that, people will naturally assume you’re happy and well enough to do them.

redrattenchair · 12/10/2025 23:00

I know how you feel - I asked my sister for a two week rest from her problems (she goes on a rest in frequent intervals) she contacted me after a week with “are you better yet, a chat would be good!” I feel suffocated - she comes to stay for a day stays for a week, I’m starting to really not want her anywhere near me - she’s exhausting.

Original poster
Floursacktabletop · 12/10/2025 22:48

I can definitely clearly ask for.help, but my moan is that I have to and I don't ever feel considered or looked after

OP posts:
ResultsMayVary · 12/10/2025 22:47

Floursacktabletop · 12/10/2025 22:43

If I asked them to help me, they would. But they will never consider I need help or even that I have any needs really.
Like I say, I'm feeling sorry for myself as no one puts me first ever, or even thinks of any way to look after me. I have to express every need I have and that sometimes gets draining as you never feel looked after

Yeah that's really crap. I'm sorry.

Redbushteaforme · 12/10/2025 22:46

You have to communicate more clearly, I think. Tell them how they can help you. Tell them that something is difficult for you. Sometimes just say 'No'.

ASD doesn't give the person carte blanche to be a user and never a giver.

(Speaking here as mum of a teenage daughter with ASD.)

Original poster
Floursacktabletop · 12/10/2025 22:43

If I asked them to help me, they would. But they will never consider I need help or even that I have any needs really.
Like I say, I'm feeling sorry for myself as no one puts me first ever, or even thinks of any way to look after me. I have to express every need I have and that sometimes gets draining as you never feel looked after

OP posts:
FuzzyWolf · 12/10/2025 22:41

I’m sorry. I often think that the life of a sibling when the other person has a disability or different needs can be very difficult and it’s very unacknowledged.

ResultsMayVary · 12/10/2025 22:40

It's not surprising that's taking a toll on you. To give without that being reciprocated must be hurtful especially if they believe they don't even think about what you might want and need

Given how high functioning they are have you tried talking about you'd like them to help you sometimes as that is fair? Maybe ask them for help with things sometimes? Sometimes say no that you don't have the capacity right now. I get that you love them and you sound like such a lovely sibling but over time this will take it's toll on you and likely turn into resentment.

Cycleaway · 12/10/2025 22:38

Oh that sounds so draining. You can love someone and want to support them, but still feel overwhelmed by the weight of it too - is there anyone else they turn to for support.

I know it’s not quite the same as someone else anticipating your needs or imagining how you feel, but how would your sibling react if you explained you would prefer to do something slightly differently, or even if you asked them to do something for you?