Moan I can't have in real life

It's nothing like a blind person being able to appreciate a painting. It's like a blind person repeatedly standing on your foot and not giving a shit and continuing to do so, and you not saying Ouch!

Is this about nobody thinking about you, or just your sibling? You've mentioned both.

I do understand that you don’t want to have to tell people to consider you, but the reality is that you do have to tell them. Given that your sibling has ASD, they might not be able to pick up on your feelings and needs unless you tell them. To me, it would be pretty obvious when a sibling might be exhausted or need a break from always being available - but I definitely know people with ASD who wouldn’t pick up on that without being told.

People are also much more likely to anticipate your future needs if they have past examples of how you’ve felt in other situations. For example, I have a colleague who always used to ask me to do a certain inconvenient / stressful task at work because I happened to be good at it, usually available to do it because of my schedule, and just did it with a minimum of fuss. It was genuinely starting to have an impact on my mental health. Eventually I said “How come I’m the only one who gets asked to do this? It’s really starting to drain me and I need a break” and she was genuinely surprised - I’d never said anything so she’d assumed I didn’t mind. Once I’d had the conversation, she was much more aware of the issue and much more likely to be considerate of that in the future.

I do completely understand that in an ideal world you might not want to have to advocate for yourself and explain these things - but the reality is that advocating for yourself is still the better option for than suffering in silence and letting the situation stagnate.

Having to tell people your own needs in order for your needs/feelings to be considered might not be your (or anyone’s) preferred state of affairs - but it is still a better one than the alternative, when the alternative means continuing to do things for everyone and not correcting their misconception that you are fine with that, while secretly feeling miserable and resentful the whole time. I understand that you shouldn’t HAVE to tell people to consider your feelings - but equally, by NOT telling people you are making things worse for yourself. Staying silent is cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Nothing will change unless you do something different. People with autism can show empathy so this is nothing like a blind person not being able to appreciate a painting. I don’t really understand that mentality of moaning but doing nothing to help the situation. Good luck I guess, you sound like hard work and like someone who just wants to be a martyr.

Have you ever said no or come up with a solution to make it easier on yourself? Have you ever said I can’t today I’ve had a tiring day? Do you live with this sibling?

But if you tell them when it’s tiring or difficult, they’ll may start to think in advance. ASD doesn’t mean people don’t have empathy, that was debunked years ago, and even those like your sibling that may feel it differently can learn how to be considerate if they can do other things. If they don’t, it’s not the asd, it’s just selfishness and you should be firmer with them.

I do think you are expecting a lot from a sibling. As a PP has said, people are not mind readers.

I am close to my sister, we get along great and see each other at least once a week however we both have our own stuff going on. I would not expect her to 'anticipate my needs' nor does she expect that of me.

If I said to her "I've had a crap week, fancy lunch?" or "I need to buy X and could do with another opinion, can you come with me?" she would but it is a matter of asking.

The thing is, if you just say yes without saying why it’s difficult, they’ll just keep doing the same thing. If you explain, they may start to get it next time. If you don’t speak up, they’ll just think you’re fine with everything. Speak up!

Its like when the kids are young and you do all the caring and sometimes have to tell them to think of you as well. Then they do but you wish that they could do it without prompting. The difference being my daughter is now 10 and if I am poorly, tired etc she will bring me a drink, blanket etc without me asking and it feels so lovely to be thought of. But your sibling may never manage that unprompted and sometimes the reality of that can feel frustrating.

My sibling is a bit like this. If I remind him or tell him to do something (for my parents not me) he will go all out, spend lots / put lots of effort and thought in with no complaints. But sometimes I would love to not have to remind him. Obviously my mum has no idea I am behind it all so she's full of praise for her thoughtful boy!

My husband isn't from a family who think of others and over the years he has learnt to be more considerate without me telling him each time. This is in quite a mechanical way for example he has reminders on his phone to text his sister / best friend once a month and ask how they are, mothers day, birthdays are all reminders in his diary to send cards and message people etc as it doesnt come naturally. Perhaps you could suggest to your sibling that they set reminders in their phone to check in with others (you, parents etc) regularly. As your parents age (if they are around) you will need your sibling to step up (they sound capable on a practical level) so It would be better if they get into the habit now, even if there isnt real empathy behind it and its more of a rule they follow.

My daughter naturally getting that level of thought and empathy for others at she grows has been so nice.

My husband is lovely though and I wouldn't change him for the world. The fact he has gone to these lengths to think of others shows he does care. I know he finds my overthinking and over emotional state equally frustrating so we probably balance each other out well!

I also recognise the stepping on eggshells. She is demanding and blunt but when I have stood my ground, she explodes or walks away like a wounded animal. I asked her for some space last year, just two weeks - I had too much stuff going on. She was on whatsapp a week later asking if I was well enough for a chat - I feel suffocated by her - her mental health is fragile but she is a total attention seeker, pretends she is living a life of an international heiress - she paints her life in glomour, everything is about it being fabulous, until it isn' and then she's suicidal. It's exhausting.

So sorry. I understand, have similar. It isn’t just the one thing. It is layers and layers, so difficult to move. It is feeling or being made to feel unreasonable for asking something completely reasonable.

In my case it was also growing up before there was a lot of diagnosis and having an underlying fear as days out or holidays would result in huge meltdowns from my sibling.

Get it all out anonymously/here and then maybe there will be some things you can change.

It sounds like we have the same sibling.

Mine tries her best, but she's just got zero understanding of putting others first, or stepping slightly out of her comfort zone in order to make someone else's life easier. Everything is done according to her wishes/desires. You can try to appeal to her, but it makes very little difference.

Sometimes you need to take a leaf out of their book.
Many people will ask for things without considering if they are putting out the other person because surely the other person would say so.
Many people don't ask about or check in on someone because surely they would say if they weren't ok.

Not just ASD people (though my adult son is ASD and we joke that he only calls when he wants something - it's not quite that extreme but almost) but some people are just self centred or consider emotional support/intelligence mushy and pointless.

My husband is fairly nice but has a selfish streak, he'll almost always put himself first unless it's really obvious he is "needed" to step up. I'm quite stoical and independent and that suits him (and me most of the time). But sometimes I really wish someone would put me first and be more caring but they seem to think "oh she's always all right". I've taken to occasionally putting my foot down and spelling out "I'm stressed out and fed up and you need to take over x this week".

That may not work practically if there is no one else to give the lift but just saying "I'm stressed out and fed up, can you find someone else to help this time" might make you feel better/more heard, even if they come back and say "no, there aren't any other options".

Sounds like you need to communicate better with them. You know they won’t think of it, so if you’re struggling, tell them. And if they can make something easier for you, tell them how.
Your expectations of them can’t increase - you know what they are dealing with. But your expectations of and for yourself need to increase. Advocate for yourself.

I know you didn’t ask for advice, but you describe me exactly how my sister would describe me - except I don’t have an ASD diagnosis.

I put myself first and just expect others to do the same. If I asked my sister for a lift and she said yes but only if you do X, Y, Z to make my life easier I’d happily do it. I’d never think of those things without proactively sitting down to think about “what can I do to make this easier for someone else”.

I would also never offer anyone help, but would jump if anyone asked. Mostly because I’d find an offer of help imposing, or a judgement on my abilities because I will ask for help when I need it.

In the same vein, I don’t expect anyone else in the world to put me first as that’s my job, and so I have no problem saying no to things that don’t work for me or communicating my needs. I often find myself saying to people “if you don’t put yourself first, then who will?”.

So despite you not asking for advice, as someone who recognised themselves in this situation, I’d suggest you’re just clearer with your sibling on boundaries and speak up when you need compromise from them - don’t expect them to offer it, they’re not in your brain, they don’t know what you need or what you’re thinking!

@Floursacktabletop
I get you ( ND, of all types, in abundance in my family), but I think it would be helpful to acknowledge that it is really just wishing for an alternative universe.

It’s fine to moan, actually it can be good, but sometimes people listening feel that there has to be a solution of some sort.
However here there is no solution to this particular moan.
You can be annoyed that a blind person can’t appreciate a painting as much as you like, it won’t change the fact that they can’t see it!

You unfortunately cannot live the life you live, and at the same time a life where you have the same sibling without ASD.