Moan I can't have in real life

I hear you @Floursacktabletop It’s tough.

Don’t ignore your own needs - he may not be able to meet them, but you really do need to fill your battery too.

Big hug - a whole tribe of nd folk over here and if I started grumbling, I’d fill up your thread.

I understand OP. Its hard going. My family bring a twist to it in that they'll randomly decide to do something nice for me. Something nice that invariably costs me a fortune or turns my life upside down, and then they get cross that I am unappreciative of their efforts.

You have to practice spoiling yourself.

Hard relate on this OP, although I am the autistic one! DD and DH both need a lot of support. DD with her education (no viable school place for almost four years now) and DH needs emotional and practical support to keep his anxiety manageable so that he can work. Neither do anything around the house really, they're not capable at the moment. Neither really seem to realise just how freakin' much I do. All day, every day, no break ever, nobody looking after ME.

I'm not looking for solutions, there aren't any, and I would never give up on either of them. (Well, I would never give up on DD - obviously there are things DH could do to make me give up e.g. abuse, infidelity. But as long as his behaviour is reasonable and he's trying his best, which he generally is, I wouldn't give up on him either.)

But sometimes it's nice to have a moan and have it recognised by others in the same boat!

OP, you’ve said a few times that “no one puts me first”. Is this solely about difficulties with your sibling, because it reads to me like there could be wider issues at play?

Honestly not a very empathetic response.

OP has been clear she wants support not solutions. That does not make her a martyr in the slightest.

Exactly.

I've heard it said that empathy is a muscle, and the more you use it the more it strengthens. I think that, although the greater recognition of ND nowadays is largely very positive, there is a potential risk in the misconception of autistics as unempathetic that they will just be accepted in this rather than gently pushed to exercise cognitive empathy. (Especially in boys, because let's face it, boys are just expected to be less empathetic anyway. I strongly suspect that OP's sibling is a brother rather than a sister).

I’m afraid this is quite unreasonable with ASD. If they were continuing to ignore you when you have spoken up I would understand, but one of the primary issues around ASD can be communication, and honesty I think the problem tends to be NT people expecting people to think like them, pick up on nuances etc. ASD is a disability, you need to adapt your behaviour to them, and hopefully they will then respond and meet you half way depending on their personal ability (as well as personality of course), but you can’t expect them to think like you, would you expect someone in a wheelchair to get up out of the chair to open the door for you as that’s polite?

Yes I agree with this. I'm older now (53) so I think (hope) I have a bit more cognitive empathy (always had emotional empathy) and consider other people.

However, in the past, if someone has explained to me how they're struggling, it would have helped me to be more considerate and develop as a person. I always remember my English teacher having a mini breakdown because some of the kids were being so awful and it really affected me. I think life would be so much easier for autistic people if everyone was honest. I think that we only mask because neurotypicals are masking most of the time. But of course, it's always autistics who are wrong....

I'm autistic with ND relatives and autistic (now young adult) children and I feel the same as you. I'm lucky that at the moment I can afford to pay people to help me through the difficult situation I'm currently in.

I think you sibling has done very well for himself if he is a finance manager. My DS is aiming for something similar and the exams are so hard . Your sibling can definitely afford a taxi though is there anything about that he couldn’t cope with if he sat in the back playing music with headphones on? I am HSP and feel anxious in a taxi so do understand a bit. You do have to think that you might not be around one day and then what would he do .It would be kinder to try and find solutions now.

This isn't a particularly safe space to moan about the neurodiverse though, given the number of posters that are in fact ND.

OP could give her sibling a lift. She could refuse to give her sibling a lift. Or she could do it grudgingly, leaving her sibling with the nagging feeling that they've upset somebody again, but don't know what they've done.

OR she could say "Look, my life is busy. Things are taking a toll on me. I will give you a lift this time, but you need to help me in return by doing XYZ."

OR she could say "I have reached my limits and am unable to give you a lift this time. Everybody gets tired and overwhelmed, and you have to check in with us to see if we're OK".

But no, neurotypicals just love to not come out with stuff and instead simmer in silence.

I don’t think it’s about a lift. I think it’s one more thing in a long list where she has to over communicate and be precise and clear because her sibling cant consider anything other than their own needs. The lift is just one example

ASD doesn’t entitle somebody to exhaust those around them.

Tell him what you want him to do to make the lift easier. If he objects, tell him this is a social norm and he is not excused from that.

Gosh posters have got out of bed the wrong side this morning.
OPp has articulated the problem and just wants a safe space to have a moan and wish things were different. She has had her sibling, I’d guess, for a number of decades now and understands what works and what doesn’t more than random posters on here.

And those saying they are also ND and telling her what to do - it is a spectrum! Only she knows how this manifests in her sibling and clearly they are incapable of empathy or thinking of others first.

Yes, yes just ‘tell them’. But it sounds like she does a lot and what she wants is to be considered and thought of without having to tell them!!

Im sure if this was a mum complaining about the mental load and that they have to tell their husband how to do everything, posters with be screaming ‘LTB’! But what if your husband was incapable of thinking of these for himself and had to be told everything-you would be exhausted and it’d be much easier to just do it yourself. This, I’d imagine is similar to the situation OP finds herself in.

But just because someone is ASD does not mean they are incapable of these things. In fact, quite the opposite. Have you ever communicated to your sibling that you would like them to work on considering you more? You say they have quite an important job which they manage to maintain. I assume that job comes with feedback.

”I have always understood areas of difficulty for you and made allowances and will continue to do so, of course. I have been feeling down and sad in myself though because at times It’s difficult feeling you don’t consider my feelings. I know it doesn’t necessarily come natural, but it would make me feel loved and appreciated if you could make this time to check in on me, offer help with my needs or similar.”

I am ASD and I have ASD children. My son makes conscious effort to - for example - when getting himself a drink, offer if I need one. He doesn’t ask how I am but he communicates that he does think of me/DH and is willing to do things to help us. I make a point of thanking and letting him know that it means a lot to me for him to consider my needs alongside his own. This learned behaviour becomes easy habit. Communication is key.

Speaking as an autistic person here....

JUST. TELL. THEM.

This is it. It is exhausting and sad to have to advocate for a basic level of consideration. When the family has prioritized needs of a ND sibling for so long there is almost a heaviness to having to ask for any consideration. It is just layer after layer of things that add up to a real weight.

We do get it, but we just deal with it differently and ask for what we need. No point being a martyr, moaning, not helping yourself, nothing changing and being unhappy. I get having a moan, but for OP to say she doesn’t want solutions is 🤯

Is the problem that you always do think about how you can make life nicer / easier / better for your sibling but she never does that for you?

Sounds a bit like parenting teenagers! I spend my life doing things that will make their (objectively lovely) life even
lovelier while they can’t even put their (fucking) cereal bowl in the (fucking) dishwasher.

The only difference is - I chose to have teenage children - you didn’t choose your sibling.

One suggestion I do have is the phrase “how can I help?” My kids are not yet at the stage where they can figure out why I am tired / stressed / overwhelmed etc. But they can tell that I am. So they say the phrase and I tell them what I need and it feels less like I am barking endless order at them.

In the other direction it also works when I use it on dd(15). She wants to be more independent and run her own life so me jumping in and helping doesn’t work so much these days. But she still does need help. This means I can help her with what she needs help with without taking over.

I have an ASD sister and omg I feel you!!!!

As kids it was all about them and we had to push aside our own needs for them. Then that pattern continues in adulthood and MY GOD it’s hard.

People saying « just ask for what you need » you just do not get it’