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Original poster

I want to start eating meals as a family but there are so many hurdles to overcome

408 replies

Rockininthefreeworld · 12/10/2025 19:59

Please don't judge me. I'm really looking for some advice and just feel so dissatisfied with our whole set-up 😔

I have felt bad about the fact that we never eat as a family. We have two children, age 6 and 2, and they always eat separately to us. This is for a number of reasons...

  1. DH is a very fussy eater, and won't eat 90% of the things I make for the children
  2. DH and I both work full-time until around 6pm, making eating together quite challenging. Having said that, we both work from home a lot, so it is do-able with some planning (but then, see point 1...)
  3. We have a kitchen island but no room for a dining table, which means eating together in the kitchen is just sitting in a row. This makes conversations feel a bit challenging.
  4. We have a dining room (although carpeted...) and I'd love us all to eat in there, but DH gets very very funny about mess and smells. I've tried to approach the subject but he just gets annoyed and shuts it down. He uses the dining room to work, which is very annoying to be honest because I feel like that's a whole social room that we've just completely lost out on.

The 2 year old is at nursery full time which does give him "social eating" time, and I think the 6 year old is fine because we do eat out and I often go back to my parents where we sit together at the table. But, he also gets very bored if I'm not constantly entertaining him and he's not a stranger to the tablet at the table. I hate that and feel quite ashamed.

I just don't know how to handle this. I feel so dissatisfied with the whole arrangement, but DH isn't going to support me with it and it feels difficult trying to do it in the kitchen anyway. I just want us to have a nice family meal together, even just at the weekends, but even if we manage that it still has to be in the friggin' kitchen and no-one will talk to me, DS will moan for his tablet and DH will be on his phone. I've tried to implement this before (in the kitchen), and it just felt pointless in the end because I felt like I was fighting a losing battle.

Does anyone have any advice? 🙁

OP posts:
Original poster
Rockininthefreeworld · 13/10/2025 11:47

@BitOutOfPractice I guess because I'm quite relaxed by nature and he's always got his way because of his "issues". Until kids not much really bothered me to be honest, I would just pick my battles. But now we have kids, and a 6 year old where I can see how much this matters, I've finally woken up I suppose

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 13/10/2025 11:45

Jellybunny56 · 12/10/2025 20:16

You need a total reset, for everyone.

The dining room is for exactly that- dining. DH can work from there if he wants to but it will be used for it’s actual purpose, he can get used to that or work elsewhere.

Screen time for kids while eating stops immediately, and permanently, without exception. No tablet, no phone, no TV, it’s really bad for them not just their attention span but it prevents them being able to learn to eat mindfully and stop when they are full because they are distracted. It will be rough for a week or so and then it just becomes your new normal, say no, every time.

Meal plan- you can make a family activity out of this. For example maybe everyone gets to choose one meal each and you go from there.

Not just the kids. Screens at the table are banned for everyone - including your dh.

@Rockininthefreeworld how come your dh has the veto on everything?

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 13/10/2025 11:45

Rockininthefreeworld · 13/10/2025 11:07

@suki1964 I'm not sure, possibly...but if he didn't, he'd certainly stomp around the house for days making the atmosphere pretty unbearable

So that’s his way of controlling you. Either threatening to leave or stomping about the house creating a horrible atmosphere.

Pigeonpoodle · 13/10/2025 11:44

i think you need to seriously consider whether you should continue in a relationship with this man.

Given how you’ve described him and how he behaves, your fanny must have clamped shut years ago, surely!

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 13/10/2025 11:41

Rockininthefreeworld · 13/10/2025 10:59

@Zempy the conversation will basically go "we're going to be eating in the dining room now"
"No you're not, I don't want kids eating in there"
"Yes we are, it's important for their development and I want us to interact together over meals"
"I can't handle you all eating in there. And I don't like the smells. If that's what you want to do then fine I'll just leave then shall I?"

It'll be the same ending if I bring up frying food. And what has happened in the past. "You know I can't handle those smells. If that's what you're doing to insist on doing then I'm just going to have to move out." Obviously said in a very angry way.

I know everyone will turn around and say "fine, let him". But that's a really big deal and I just need to ready myself for that

“If that's what you want to do then fine I'll just leave then shall I?" Call his bluff. Ask him if he thinks it’s worth leaving his family over eating in the dining room. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s an empty threat.

You’re letting him rule the roost and control everything when you should be a partnership. He’s not the boss of you - or at least he shouldn’t be.

Original poster
Rockininthefreeworld · 13/10/2025 11:40

@ForZanyAquaViewer you realise there's a way to give advice without coming across a total arsehole right? Already dealing with one of those at home. If you need some tips on how, read all the other responses on this thread. You don't really know how I've ended up in this position or what I've necessarily been through, so calling me passive isn't exactly helpful.

Appreciate you're probably not trying to be helpful, so perhaps just bugger off to another thread and let me read the genuinely helpful and insightful comments instead?

OP posts:
Nevereatcardboard · 13/10/2025 11:39

@Rockininthefreeworld he cares less about the well-being of his children and you than himself. He’s a really crap husband and father.

Personally, I’d let him leave but you don’t seem ready to do that yet, so I’d give him a choice of either having the kitchen island removed or using the dining room for eating. Both choices involve being strong enough to stand up to him in order for your children to develop normal social skills around mealtimes and to expand their range of foods. If he chooses to leave over this, he’s pathetic.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 13/10/2025 11:38

Redlittlebowl · 13/10/2025 10:34

Lots can, but some can’t, not always at least. It’s a very wide spectrum and there are lots of different presentations.

Show quote history

How did autistic people eat before the very recent invention of tablets and smartphones then?

Starlight1984 · 13/10/2025 11:38

I know everyone will turn around and say "fine, let him". But that's a really big deal and I just need to ready myself for that

Honestly OP, it sounds like your life would be a million times easier and happier without this awful piece of work around. Every post just sounds like you have another child to pander to.

Imagine him gone and you and the kids sitting in the dining room, having been able to cook whatever the hell you fancy, having a lovely meal with nobody sulking or stomping round the house.

Goldenbear · 13/10/2025 11:37

Rockininthefreeworld · 13/10/2025 11:07

@suki1964 I'm not sure, possibly...but if he didn't, he'd certainly stomp around the house for days making the atmosphere pretty unbearable

What happened pre children when you met him, have you never had a sit down meal with him?

ForZanyAquaViewer · 13/10/2025 11:35

Rockininthefreeworld · 13/10/2025 11:23

@ForZanyAquaViewer is the food really that bad? I feel like they have hot lunches at school every day, which is varied and nutritious, and they eat a lot of fruit and raw veg, as well as veg with their meals. I appreciate it's not the most varied, but they do get the nutrients they need. I don't think ensuring a balanced and healthy diet necessarily means I have to use onions and garlic in my food. I want them to enjoying cooking and make it something we do together, but that's a different issue

You want to raise children who eat and enjoy a wide variety of foods, I’m assuming? Then, yes, that is a severely limited handful of foods and will become moreso as they age. And not being able to use onions and garlic or fry anything is extremely limiting in terms of what you can cook. You know all this. Come on, now.

It would be one thing if it was because you were doing this because your children couldn’t or wouldn’t eat a wide range of foods. But they’re not even being given an opportunity because you think it’s more important to tiptoe around your husband.

Starlight1984 · 13/10/2025 11:35

Rockininthefreeworld · 13/10/2025 11:07

@suki1964 I'm not sure, possibly...but if he didn't, he'd certainly stomp around the house for days making the atmosphere pretty unbearable

Let him!!!! The more you bow down to him, the more he will use these bullying tactics over and over again. Don't even think about restructuring your kitchen FFS. It will cost a LOT of money to have a kitchen island taken out, new flooring etc.

All because your husband is a childish prick whose needs appear to be above those of everyone else's in the house. Including his own children.

Also, I couldn't give a flying fuck whether he has autism or ARFID. There are millions and millions of adults out there who have a variety of issues that they work to overcome (or at least, not affect) their children.

It's called being a decent parent.

Starlight1984 · 13/10/2025 11:32

He somewhat shut the whole thing down straight away with "no I don't want any food in the dining room, I don't want to eat in there."

He doesn't want anyone eating in the.... dining room?

"I can't handle you all eating in there. And I don't like the smells. If that's what you want to do then fine I'll just leave then shall I?"

OP, he isn't going to leave because you are eating your meals in the dining room. And if he does, I would be fucking delighted. And would take every opportunity to tell every single person around you the exact reason he has walked out on his wife and children. Because he threw a tantrum when I told him I wanted his children to eat a dining room table.

Honestly, others have said it but he sounds like a nasty bully and this is just the tip of the iceberg I imagine.

reabies · 13/10/2025 11:27

OP it's hard enough for families with 2 working parents and young children to all eat together of an evening even without all the obstacles you're facing from your DH on top, so I applaud you for even trying.

I'm from an eat separately family and I don't really get the hype around eating together, but DH is from an everyone sits together at the table family, and really wants that for our kids. I am supportive even though I don't feel it's a huge priority (I can go out for meals and converse, use cutlery etc perfectly fine, even though I didn't eat at 6pm with my parents every day).

Anyway, although maybe not super comfortable for you, could you bear to eat your dinner at one other side of the island until you've got this extension bit sorted? Maybe you don't have anywhere to put your knees under but you could lean or sit side saddle, just to be able to have a face to face convo. With kids so small you're unlikely to get more than 20 mins of table time with them anyway?

Original poster
Rockininthefreeworld · 13/10/2025 11:23

@ForZanyAquaViewer is the food really that bad? I feel like they have hot lunches at school every day, which is varied and nutritious, and they eat a lot of fruit and raw veg, as well as veg with their meals. I appreciate it's not the most varied, but they do get the nutrients they need. I don't think ensuring a balanced and healthy diet necessarily means I have to use onions and garlic in my food. I want them to enjoying cooking and make it something we do together, but that's a different issue

OP posts:
99bottlesofkombucha · 13/10/2025 11:12

Rockininthefreeworld · 13/10/2025 10:59

@Zempy the conversation will basically go "we're going to be eating in the dining room now"
"No you're not, I don't want kids eating in there"
"Yes we are, it's important for their development and I want us to interact together over meals"
"I can't handle you all eating in there. And I don't like the smells. If that's what you want to do then fine I'll just leave then shall I?"

It'll be the same ending if I bring up frying food. And what has happened in the past. "You know I can't handle those smells. If that's what you're doing to insist on doing then I'm just going to have to move out." Obviously said in a very angry way.

I know everyone will turn around and say "fine, let him". But that's a really big deal and I just need to ready myself for that

We are all going to say fine, let him. And make sure you say fine then, you realise I will tell everyone why.

Zempy · 13/10/2025 11:12

So basically he bullies you and his children.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 13/10/2025 11:10

Rockininthefreeworld · 13/10/2025 11:07

@suki1964 I'm not sure, possibly...but if he didn't, he'd certainly stomp around the house for days making the atmosphere pretty unbearable

It’s not ‘unbearable’, though. It’s unpleasant, certainly. Call him out. Stop being so passive.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 13/10/2025 11:09

Rockininthefreeworld · 13/10/2025 10:59

@Zempy the conversation will basically go "we're going to be eating in the dining room now"
"No you're not, I don't want kids eating in there"
"Yes we are, it's important for their development and I want us to interact together over meals"
"I can't handle you all eating in there. And I don't like the smells. If that's what you want to do then fine I'll just leave then shall I?"

It'll be the same ending if I bring up frying food. And what has happened in the past. "You know I can't handle those smells. If that's what you're doing to insist on doing then I'm just going to have to move out." Obviously said in a very angry way.

I know everyone will turn around and say "fine, let him". But that's a really big deal and I just need to ready myself for that

He won’t leave, though. It’s just a technique to cow you. Stop being so passive. What’s going to happen when your kids are a bit older? Are you going to train teenagers to tiptoe around this inflexible tyrant who thinks he’s everyone’s boss?

Foods I've managed to get into my children are: breaded chicken, broccoli, sweetcorn, plain pasta, fish and rice, chicken sausages...I think that's probably the most I've managed. Continuing on this journey of making meals that involve zero frying (and no onions, garlic, mushrooms...). Spag bol is a big no...

This really struck me. One of your children is 6! Unless it’s being dictated by the child the self, that’s an extremely limited range of food. Are you going to continue not feeding them any perfectly normal food that involves onions and garlic? As that’s most food. Because your DH ‘can’t handle it’?

Why are you so passive?

Original poster
Rockininthefreeworld · 13/10/2025 11:07

@suki1964 I'm not sure, possibly...but if he didn't, he'd certainly stomp around the house for days making the atmosphere pretty unbearable

OP posts:
suki1964 · 13/10/2025 11:06

Seriously , do you think he would really walk if you fried food?

Do you not just think this is his way of controlling the situation to suit himself?

TBH any man threatening to leave the family over cooking smells doesn't deserve to be called a father

If you have a garden, build a shed and turn that into an office

Original poster
Rockininthefreeworld · 13/10/2025 11:01

I'm sitting here coming up with all these solutions for how we can make the kitchen work better, without any building work, and how I can try and extend the island or fit an extendable table in etc etc...and then I just get really worked up thinking "all I want to do is eat a meal at a table with my children." That shouldn't be so hard!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Rockininthefreeworld · 13/10/2025 10:59

@Zempy the conversation will basically go "we're going to be eating in the dining room now"
"No you're not, I don't want kids eating in there"
"Yes we are, it's important for their development and I want us to interact together over meals"
"I can't handle you all eating in there. And I don't like the smells. If that's what you want to do then fine I'll just leave then shall I?"

It'll be the same ending if I bring up frying food. And what has happened in the past. "You know I can't handle those smells. If that's what you're doing to insist on doing then I'm just going to have to move out." Obviously said in a very angry way.

I know everyone will turn around and say "fine, let him". But that's a really big deal and I just need to ready myself for that

OP posts:
Original poster
Rockininthefreeworld · 13/10/2025 10:55

Ripping out the island is also something I've suggested doing, but all and any building work stresses him out too much. We actually have quite a nice sized kitchen, but the island takes up so much room there's only then space for a 2 seater table in the corner, and that's just not big enough for us all.

OP posts: