I want to start eating meals as a family but there are so many hurdles to overcome

@Rockininthefreeworld DS has always had food issues - three years ago it spread to not only trying to control what he ate but what others did - food smells etc

We worked on it - he can now eat in a restaurant and at a table with us as a family he still has a list of 4 or 5 things he would rather we don’t eat but his sister is a vegan and he cannot control what she eats it has been a slow process (and we haven’t even begun to look at his eating) but a necessary one because he cannot be in charge he cannot control the environment around him

at his worse he was unable to go to school and showered 4 times a day so it was far far worse than your DH and we have still managed to achieve a lot.

he needs to work through it himself because he cannot control 3 other people he simply can’t especially when 2 are his children

Ease them all into it gradually. Start by having a "special" meal in the dining room for - anything really: birthday, Christmas, First Sunday of the month, whatever. Increase it to every Sunday (or Saturday, if you prefer. Then make all weeknd meals in dining room. Serve it "family style" i.e. dishes in centre of table so everyone helps themselves. That way you can offer a variety of dishes to suit (I.m talking two or three here, not a whole-scale buffet). Make sure there is a mat under table that can be easily cleaned.

A sinple solution OP may be to have a meal as a family at the weekend rather than during the week. That was DH isn't working in the dining room. It does not matter if everyone is eating different things btw, I think the important part is sitting down together for even a short time. So just try to get 1 day eg Sunday lunch and build slowly from there.
Sometimes the idea of something is worse than the reality so this will help DH to get used to it

Have you asked him why this partnership you're supposedly in requires you to back him up but not the other way round?

Your husband sounds like a PITA but you’ve married him and had 2 kids by him so presumably at some point you’ve been in love with him and decided he was the one you wanted to build a life with, despite his quirks. Is that still the case? If so, you probably just have to accept he isn’t going to change, and you either accept him as he is or leave.

Other than tablets at the table, which you can ban, I don’t see what’s so bad about your current set up and why there’s all this huge pressure to eat in the dining room. You’re already eating together as a family on a table of sorts, just on the island in the kitchen instead of in the dining room.
I also don’t get why people feel so strongly that everyday meals need to be a social occasion and “family time”, you can talk at any other time and spend time as a family in all kinds of other ways. Personally I dislike having to talk while eating, I just want to focus on my food and be left alone to enjoy it. In my house we sometimes eat at the table with all of us together, sometimes not.
Most of the time DD (age 5) eats at her little table while we’re on the sofa beside her - sometimes DH and I are also eating on our laps (the horror!) other times not because she eats early and might be finishing off leftovers, but there’s not enough for us and we plan to cook a different dinner later on. We don’t have screens while eating and DD is learning table manners just fine.
Growing up I only ever ate meals with my mum at the kitchen table while my dad ate separately in front of the TV (they didn’t get on), then when she left him we ate on the sofa in front of the TV every night, because it’s more comfortable and enjoyable. As an adult now I’m perfectly capable of table manners and have a professional job that has in the past involved lots of formal dinners, and coped perfectly fine with those (I only mention it because someone earlier mentioned formal dinners).
Honestly, it’s nice to have dinner at the table as a family, but not if it’s going to create all this tension and conflict.
Also, fried food isn’t good for you anyway, just get an air fryer, it’s much healthier and there are hardly any smells.

Even highly physically and sexually abusive relationships can often have moments when it’s not awful… Rarely is every moment one of unrelenting horror.

For me the only way forward would be couple therapy and also therapy for your DH. He needs to understand that his limitations are affecting the family to the point of breakdown.

If he is on the spectrum, there are plenty of therapy types to learn how to live with them DD was 2.5 years in therapy to learn to navigate her ADHD/ASD and we have a lot more stress reduced family life now.

You need to be firmer with him and stop pandering to this nonsense.

Say, "DH, I wasn't asking you if we could eat in the dining room, I was telling you that that is what is going to happen. We can swap work spaces if it is that much of a problem for you, but that is the limit to how much I am willing to accommodate your issues. Eating proper meals with decent table manners and making proper conversation with those around you is a basic social skill which I want our children to have. I also don't want to continue restricting what I cook and what the children eat because I don't want them to grow up having the same issues around food that you have. It would be better if we could both work on this together, but I will do it with or without your cooperation."

You need to seriously put your foot down. I highly doubt he will leave but sounds like a risk you need to take. He has an alternative working space, why hasn’t he taken it? Maybe it’s fair not to make him eat with you if the smells are that much of an issue but you eat whatever you like, fried or otherwise, with the dc and at least they are getting that family meal time with one parent. You desperately need to expand what dc are eating now or they will probably have these restrictions for life just like your DH. Interested in how he coped with smells out and about as smells are everywhere in public and you say he’s relaxed and happy then?!

No autistic person ‘needs’ a tablet.

I would state quite clearly to him that he may not like it but he has to accept like lots of life.

I feel you OP. There are many similarities in my own situation. Change is a slow process.

I'd suggest focusing on one thing at a time, rather than a drastic overhaul of your current life. What is your priority at this time?

• kids having more social mealtimes?

• variety of food you eat?

• Eating at the dining table?

Couples counselling may also help you. I hear your despair, and I have many a time daydreamed about how much easier day to day life (mealtimes especially) would be if I only had to think about me and the kids. How I'd love to not have to consult anyone else about minor decisions.

You should be able to be in control of your own life. Open the doors if you want, eat at a table, watch what you want on TV, eat what you want. We only get one life.

remind yourself op that the second you want something he doesn’t, there’s no partnership, it’s his way or the highway. A partnership is two people. Open the bifold doors, say I love it open and it’s my home too. Put a jumper on and put up with it, we put up with a lot from you, ive reached the limit and there will be more compromise from now on.

Unless you act now and start standing up to your husband it's only going to get more and more difficult as the children get older. Can you imagine what he will be like when they are teens?

What's the atmosphere like in your home, it doesn't sound harmonious? Children will pick up on that.

I could not stand to be married to someone who behaves like your husband, but you chose to be, so I'm assuming he must have other great qualities which compensate, what are those?

How on earth do you manage to eat normally if he won't eat onions and garlic and you can't fry anything at all? They are the basis of so many dishes. Do you not make Bolognese, chilli, risotto, stews, casseroles, curries, soups etc?

This.

You don't need your husband's permission to use the dining room or eat at the dining table.

Do you have fun times as a family or does everyone else have to compromise and adapt around his needs.

I agree that some of the replies are blunt but I think necessary because this is going to really affect your children and more than the eating at a table

Surely the kids spend more time at home, with all the controlling behaviour, than they do being out and about as a family?

They can still see their dad, still have fun with him (allegedly) but they won’t have to live in a dictatorship.

You are clearly very well trained not to rock the boat. Let him get upset. It’s OK for that to happen. It’s his business.

I am ND and have many issues, but they are MY issues and I don’t impose controlling behaviour on others. Your DH sounds like a controlling bullying wanker with a gigantic ego.

You could be free of him, eating at the dining table, with the bifold doors open. I imagine that’s the tip of an iceberg

Do you realise what a contradiction you’ve just written?

“the kids would have a broken home and miss out on the fun times we have together as a family”

Immediately followed by further examples of how you and the kids have to tread on eggshells around him - like opening the patio doors ffs!

I have no doubt it would be healthier and happier for them to grow up in a “broken home” where they can relax than living with two parents, one of whom keeps everyone living in a state of nervous high alert in case they upset him.

The other poster is being blunt but their sentiment is bang on.

You are raising children that think their fathers behaviour is okay when it certainly is not. I understand he has his limitations but that should ONLY impact him. The moment it impacts how the children are being raised is when you need to step in and firmly tell him how it's going to be. If he walks it can only be a positive for the scope within the household

I see and I can see how that happened. But I think you need to be more firm on things - like this - that you believe are important. (I agree with you btw I think it is).

Dont feel ashamed though. You don’t have anything to feel ashamed about and it’s not a useful emotion here is it. Try and turn it round to determination to do better. You are clearly a loving mom, don’t be so hard on yourself.

I’m not being an arsehole. I’m being direct. I understand that you may find that unpleasant, as you clearly have difficulty being direct yourself and I’m saying things you find hard to hear.

However, it would be more productive for you to direct that anger towards the actual arsehole who you live with. You are being passive and said passivity is going to have a negative impact on your children. I’m not going to dress that up to make you feel better.

I’m also not someone who stays on a thread and argues with the OP. So, I’ll leave you to it.

Absolutely this.

@Rockininthefreeworld did you read my first reply explaining the impact on me as a child of a limited diet parent ? Your children might be getting a balanced diet, but that's not the same as a wide pallet and you are limiting their lives and absolutey this will cause difficulties in their future as a result. Even at 1 my children all ate a much wider wave varying diet than your 6 year old does.

Your husband is being a controlling dick in threatening to leave if you and the kids eat in the dining room. Especially when there's an alternative space for him to work. Yes we're all going to say fine let him leave because you and your kids deserve better. And no it won't be easy. But truly you should do it.
I can't believe you're genuinely considering remodeling you'd kitchen when you have a perfectly serviceable alternative space to eat in because you're so under his thumb he gets to rule you

Seriously, what do you see in this man? What is he bringing to your lives?

He seems to be a bully who expects absolute obedience to his every whim or he'll make life intolerable.

It doesn't have to be like this.