I want to start eating meals as a family but there are so many hurdles to overcome

I’m sorry how this is turning out. But he’s leaving you no choice.

The next question is, does he understand how things will work if you separate, how he will have the children by himself, without you as a buffer, and will have to get on with parenting two little individuals? And that if he continues like this, refusing help, refusing to compromise, the end result is that he won’t see his children or be part of their lives?

Yes, call his bluff.

Just start living the way you want to live and he can like it or lump it.

Call his bluff

yes he can leave

if he doesn’t reliese he sounds that you have a dining room that you can’t use for all of you as he doesn’t want food in it 🙄

Does it not occur to you that perhaps he's trying to control it because he can't cope with his anxiety around it, rather than because he woke up that day and deliberately decided to be an arsehole?

You know he can be both right? The arsehole bully bit comes in because he's being controlling and demanding, making no effort to deal with his issues or compromise even as much as swapping his office space

I know this is sad, but you already have a broken home. You have kids that are growing up walking on eggshells, not even allowed to use the lovely doors you have.

You are teaching children that a man dominates everything. You're teaching them terrible ideas about food, that it's something shameful. Your kids feel uncomfortable even going into the dining room, which should be communal space because your husband has taken it over as his private domain.

The issues are clearly a lot wider than food. You mention your husband doesn't even go for meals with your parents. You say he dictates almost every area of life with his inflexibility. He is threatening to leave you if you cook fried food.

As I said I have massive issues with food. I understand about him throwing the soup away. I remember a couple of years ago cooking pizza, and someone cut the only pizza I would eat, with a pizza wheel that hadn't been washed from a different pizza. Let's just say I went hungry. But that doesn't excuse his irrational behaviour. He clearly has enough intelligence to hold down a job and a partner, so he should understand the consequences of his actions.

If he was away for a few days, say with work, do you (or would you, if he never goes) feel liberated at the freedom you have for those few days? I suspect you would.

I didn't say it was, but let's not just assume he's deliberately being an arsehole because he's a man. He very likely has a disability, at the very least a really unpleasant and difficult mental health condition.

Have you at least visited the conversation with your DH that he swaps his office with yours which actually resolves the smell issue. He can go sit upstairs on his own safe from them.

Have you considered making a list of all your husbands rules. Maybe over the next week as they occur to you?
Then I'd suggest that you sit down with him, run through them and the impact it is having on you as a family and suggest that he is tested for autism, and if it's OCD that he gets some therapy as you can't continue to live like this. There are mitigations - a garden office, or relocating to the spare room that he won't even consider because, he won't flex. AT ALL. So by inference, either he needs therapy or he's an actual selfish arse.

I have a similar family member in the extended family. He was such an absolute arse that without a diagnosis we all [including his mother] armchair diagnosed him as probably Asbergers with a hefty dose of OCD to boot and we managed him accordingly. At some point in conversation with one of the family, they made reference to his Aspergers and to everyone making allowances for him. He took HUGE offence and as if by magic, a large number of his arseholish and bullying behaviours just stopped.......

Imagine how lovely the house atmosphere would be if you left him. Kiss running in and out to the garden. Family sit down meals every night together chatting about their day at school and sharing news. Friends over for tea whenever they like.

op have you told him you have considered leaving him over this because I would. And I mean this in a kind and supportive way x

But autism or OCD doesn't mean he's allowed to completely dominate one room of the house and not allow anybody else in there. Or that he's allowed to insist that the bi-fold doors are closed on a warm and sunny day even though everyone else wants them open just because he doesn't like it.

There are plenty of options available to him if he can't handle the cooking smells from the kitchen but the rest of it IS arsehole and bullying behaviour.

Get a large plastic sheet for the dining room.

aim to eat together at weekends at least and get everyone use to it.
plan meals in advance. I’m autistic and have issues around food, dd has adhd and DS is also asd and dh eats anything but is fussy about seasoning and how it’s cooked. So I’ll do things like jacket potatoes or Mexican (rice, chicken wraps) so everyone can choose toppings etc. or spag bol but dd will add chill powder and have it with rice, dh will add veg and beans. And the rest of us will have it as prepared. Sunday roast and some have mash, some roast, some want pea others have all veg.

Or he's an autistic man with untreated OCD around cooking smells. It's really common in autistic people, and while I know anecdote does not equal data, my friend's son had exactly the same thing manifesting in exactly the same way and as far as I know still does in his 40s although it's not so severe now he's living on his own in supported accommodation and can control it a bit more. It was an awful way for him to have to live when he was still at home, the poor lad couldn't bear it and spent most of his life shut in his room.

Having read the thread this is a far more likely explanation than the old "he's a man, therefore he must be an arsehole and a bully" trope.

More than that, pretty much the biggest thing that will determine your children’s whole life will be the family dynamic in which they are brought up.

If their father is allowed to be a controlling arse who gets away with his imposing his will, and passing all the work of cooking and mealtimes onto you, with him making excuses, it’s THAT which will give them a crap basis for their future.

What do you eat for Christmas dinner? Where do you eat it?

Do you never have family over for meals? DC doesn’t have friends over?

Having a dining room that is “off limits” for eating is very strange…does your DH understand this? Does he also understand that his “issues” are preventing his DC from developing a healthy relationship with food and trying new flavours? Before you know it, you will have children who only eat XYZ. I know you think that the school meals are offering variety, but most schools are on a fortnightly menu, so it will be the same 10 dishes on repeat. Your DC will not be learning proper table manners in a school environment either. In my opinion, children should be eating with adults who can model the proper use of cutlery, etc—you don’t want your DCs not knowing how to exhibit good table manners when they go out into the world.

Your DH is being very selfish here, and is stunting his own DCs’ growth in this area—he needs to grow up, get a grip, and get himself some CBT.

Yes, I would bet good money that the fun days out are strictly on his terms. Besides, how can you even have a “day out” if you can’t eat together?

Ah thank you I missed the bit about the alternative workspace upstairs, I’d assumed if he’s working in the dining room that was all that was available.

The biggest Thing that will determine your children’s ability to eat at the table Is the model provided by parents and other adult adults and children? They will struggle to learn without this.

How does your child cope if they go to have tea at a friends house and they eat at the table?

The op has offered him an upstairs room for his workspace. So they can serve food in the dining room like everyone else and it isn’t in his workspace because he is using the perfectly good alternative offered to him that means the dining room can be a dining room.

I feel more and more like I’d have beaten him with a cast iron pan then fried up a nice meal in it and had a lovely family meal with my kids in the dining room.

This. You're required to bow down to his every need in order for your kids to not be witness to his tantrums and sulking. I'm assuming it's the same with your "fun" days out. He gets to decide where you go based on his needs? Then and only then can everyone have fun.

That isn't a partnership.

I get the point about not having food smells in his workspace. That’s a preference that can be respected. But he needs to compromise In other ways. For example, You could eat a meal on the table in the dining on a Friday then the room can air over the weekend and the smells will be gone by Monday assuming he doesn’t work weekends.

Carpet picnic of cold things, Including things he will eat, Would be really helpful for the DC to see him eating “normally “

Overall, you’re gonna have to reset the whole situation in your house. Regardless of the reason your husband’s issues are ruining your life and shaping your children’s life and attitude to food immensely.
I cannot imagine the situation I wasn’t allowed to make a fairly standard family meal like spaghetti Bolognese.
Even if he had to be out whilst it was cooking or out for the day whilst it’s cooked and eaten by the three of you.

He doesn’t get to dictate that far, surely And expect to remain married?

I’m not discounting his personal issues with all these things. I’m sure it’s deep seated, but he needs help with it as it’s impacting others.

Is he getting help for his issues? CBT for his OCD? Exposure therapy? (I’m no expert, can you tell!) but I feel that although his issues aren’t his fault they are his responsibility when they impact others, especially his children who cannot choose whether to be around him or not.

So, these issues are his responsibility. This is a HIM issue. How can he be as comfortable as possible with normal things like cooking and eating? He owes it to his children!

Could you have the bifold open when you cook?

Let him leave then, he's a massive twat!