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Original poster

I want to start eating meals as a family but there are so many hurdles to overcome

408 replies

Rockininthefreeworld · 12/10/2025 19:59

Please don't judge me. I'm really looking for some advice and just feel so dissatisfied with our whole set-up 😔

I have felt bad about the fact that we never eat as a family. We have two children, age 6 and 2, and they always eat separately to us. This is for a number of reasons...

  1. DH is a very fussy eater, and won't eat 90% of the things I make for the children
  2. DH and I both work full-time until around 6pm, making eating together quite challenging. Having said that, we both work from home a lot, so it is do-able with some planning (but then, see point 1...)
  3. We have a kitchen island but no room for a dining table, which means eating together in the kitchen is just sitting in a row. This makes conversations feel a bit challenging.
  4. We have a dining room (although carpeted...) and I'd love us all to eat in there, but DH gets very very funny about mess and smells. I've tried to approach the subject but he just gets annoyed and shuts it down. He uses the dining room to work, which is very annoying to be honest because I feel like that's a whole social room that we've just completely lost out on.

The 2 year old is at nursery full time which does give him "social eating" time, and I think the 6 year old is fine because we do eat out and I often go back to my parents where we sit together at the table. But, he also gets very bored if I'm not constantly entertaining him and he's not a stranger to the tablet at the table. I hate that and feel quite ashamed.

I just don't know how to handle this. I feel so dissatisfied with the whole arrangement, but DH isn't going to support me with it and it feels difficult trying to do it in the kitchen anyway. I just want us to have a nice family meal together, even just at the weekends, but even if we manage that it still has to be in the friggin' kitchen and no-one will talk to me, DS will moan for his tablet and DH will be on his phone. I've tried to implement this before (in the kitchen), and it just felt pointless in the end because I felt like I was fighting a losing battle.

Does anyone have any advice? 🙁

OP posts:
TakeMe2Insanity · 13/10/2025 18:48

I’d work on you and your kids eating together first.

Jade3450 · 13/10/2025 18:44

TwinklyStork · 13/10/2025 14:58

Do you want your children to end up being like him?

If he's autistic she probably isn't going to have much of a choice about that, whether they split up or not. Genes are strong.

Show quote history

You can be autistic and not a controlling, selfish prick though.

ChicaWowWow · 13/10/2025 18:35

Rockininthefreeworld · 13/10/2025 13:52

@TwinklyStork I want to be mindful of all of this, but I don't know how to handle it. I don't necessarily think he's doing any of it on purpose, but what am I supposed to do? He won't get help, he doesn't think anything will help and won't even entertain it

Frankly, it doesn't matter of he does it on purpose or not. The bottom line is you're unhappy and you worry for your children. I'd see a family lawyer asap and learn about my options. Sorry OP x

NeverDropYourMooncup · 13/10/2025 18:33

LindorDoubleChoc · 12/10/2025 20:15

Your husband is the problem. I don't know what you do about that, but what does he actually bring to the table?

His phone, by the sounds of it.

loubielou31 · 13/10/2025 18:32

@Rockininthefreeworld if my DH is indicative any suggestion that I make especially one that involves something he wasn't expecting is met with flat out refusal. You have told him what you want and why it's important, give him a bit of time to come to terms with it, raise it again, and again and again, then do it anyway. By then it won't be such a shock.
In fairness if you suddenly move the kids to a different room with no tablets and new foods it probably won't go well and your DH will be able to say he told you so. So make your changes slowly, decide which thing you want to change first and once that's sorted or at least in place go next.
I suggest no screens, and even if you don't eat with the kids because you are eating once they're in bed or something, be in the kitchen with a cuppa and sit with them whilst they eat, don't talk about their food it will seem weird. Go with school, favourite TV characteristics, that kind of thing.
Then start cooking different foods, if dh doesn't want to eat them that's fine and if he needs to go out because of the smell that's fine too. (It will get very boring in the depths of winter).
It won't be easy but if it matters to you then it's important enough to do it. X

CautiousLurker01 · 13/10/2025 18:32

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/10/2025 17:24

Why does dh get to use a room solely that whole family could use and enjoy but not allowed

he can work upstairs in op office. Shut away. From smells and sounds

madness not being able to use a room for its intended use

Show quote history

Because he works from home and needs the room 35 hours a week compared to the 4-7 hours a week the family spends eating? There is an island in the kitchen that can be used for childrens meals like 100s of 1000s of families in the country do, but it appears there is no spare room/office that he can use? Why create conflict when there is an easy solution - other than moving house to buy a bigger house where he can have a dedicated office?

Judecb · 13/10/2025 18:28

I'd start by keeping it simple. First of all speak to your husband, tell him it's very important to you and that you expect him to have your back (you're not asking alot, and ultimately it will benefit him too!!) Instigate a "Sunday family lunch" in the dining room, and set rules (no tablets/phones etc). Would a roast chicken + vegetables suit all palates? Or something like spaghetti pomodoro? You may start to discuss what you like to eat as a family once you all start eating together, so you can take it from there. Good luck!

MsCandlelight · 13/10/2025 18:24

I think it’s interesting that you’re worried that a separation will lead to a “broken home “, I think you are already living in one OP.
He may have “issues “ but this man has decided to control what his family eats to compensate for his issues and seems to have no regard for how you feel.
He needs to seek help, or not be surprised if you decide you also “can’t cope “ with things.

exaltedwombat · 13/10/2025 18:24

You have a hankering for ‘family mealtime’ that doesn’t seem to align with other family members’ circumstances or desires. Why should it prevail?

TheAutumnCrow · 13/10/2025 18:21

Chinsupmeloves · 13/10/2025 18:13

Maybe start with a weekend night, a mix of foods and get DH to clear his stuff away because it's a home dining room above an office.

I think that ship has sailed if the DH is claiming that food smells will get ‘into the walls’ and will force him to leave. Frying any food will force him to leave. Food in the dining room will (you guessed it …) force him to leave.

I don’t think we’re dealing with regular logic here. The DH’s reality is hovering somewhere else.

Chinsupmeloves · 13/10/2025 18:13

Maybe start with a weekend night, a mix of foods and get DH to clear his stuff away because it's a home dining room above an office.

knor · 13/10/2025 18:08

Think you need to put your foot down re the dining room part, feels like a big part! I assume you both own the house so I think you need to say it’s happening if he likes it or not. Agree with other commenters, feels like DH is to blame

Noshadelamp · 13/10/2025 18:04

Rockininthefreeworld · 13/10/2025 13:52

@TwinklyStork I want to be mindful of all of this, but I don't know how to handle it. I don't necessarily think he's doing any of it on purpose, but what am I supposed to do? He won't get help, he doesn't think anything will help and won't even entertain it

He owes it to you and the dcs to try to change and become more tolerant of normal every day life!

It's not like you're asking him for some crazy accommodations, he's the one expecting that of you.

There are lots of things he could do to get help, and he won't know if it will help until he tries.

Exposure therapy and EMDR therapy are two examples of modalities aimed to help build resilience and coping mechanisms in a safe way that helps expand the nervous system.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 13/10/2025 18:02

You definitely have a dh problem. The longer you don’t do this the harder it will be. We’ve always eaten with the children (we both work too) because I think it’s really important for many reasons. Get a rug/plastic mat for the dining room. Let DH eat what you make or he does his own. New rule no tablet on an evening (or whatever times suit). Let the kids help choose meals and even make things at the weekends. 2 year old can help mash potatoes etc.

dandeb · 13/10/2025 17:52

Rockininthefreeworld · 12/10/2025 19:59

Please don't judge me. I'm really looking for some advice and just feel so dissatisfied with our whole set-up 😔

I have felt bad about the fact that we never eat as a family. We have two children, age 6 and 2, and they always eat separately to us. This is for a number of reasons...

  1. DH is a very fussy eater, and won't eat 90% of the things I make for the children
  2. DH and I both work full-time until around 6pm, making eating together quite challenging. Having said that, we both work from home a lot, so it is do-able with some planning (but then, see point 1...)
  3. We have a kitchen island but no room for a dining table, which means eating together in the kitchen is just sitting in a row. This makes conversations feel a bit challenging.
  4. We have a dining room (although carpeted...) and I'd love us all to eat in there, but DH gets very very funny about mess and smells. I've tried to approach the subject but he just gets annoyed and shuts it down. He uses the dining room to work, which is very annoying to be honest because I feel like that's a whole social room that we've just completely lost out on.

The 2 year old is at nursery full time which does give him "social eating" time, and I think the 6 year old is fine because we do eat out and I often go back to my parents where we sit together at the table. But, he also gets very bored if I'm not constantly entertaining him and he's not a stranger to the tablet at the table. I hate that and feel quite ashamed.

I just don't know how to handle this. I feel so dissatisfied with the whole arrangement, but DH isn't going to support me with it and it feels difficult trying to do it in the kitchen anyway. I just want us to have a nice family meal together, even just at the weekends, but even if we manage that it still has to be in the friggin' kitchen and no-one will talk to me, DS will moan for his tablet and DH will be on his phone. I've tried to implement this before (in the kitchen), and it just felt pointless in the end because I felt like I was fighting a losing battle.

Does anyone have any advice? 🙁

No advice but know you're not alone, I'm in a very similar situation.

I (husband) do all the cooking in our house and would love for us all to sit down together and eat but I have a 5-year old daughter who needs to eat early evening and is fussy, a 15-year old daughter who dances 3 evenings a week (also very fussy) so can't eat until 9pm on those days, and a wife who works until 10.30pm/11pm a couple of nights a week so we don't eat until she gets back.

I feel your pain

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/10/2025 17:24

CautiousLurker01 · 13/10/2025 14:08

Entire family of ND people here. All with their individual idiosyncrasies. In your shoes (and we have fussy eaters, a couple over sensitive to smells etc) i’d do the following.

I’d make the dining room his office and be done with it. Door closed. End off.
I’d make the kitchen island work (all my friends use this, the dining room is only used on high days and holiday and/or when we have visiting family).
I’d feed the kids separately, joining them most days, and early in the evening with a wide range of foods - prepared with windows wide open, doors closed and husband’s space also closed off.
I’d feed him whatever beige, unscented food he wants later in the evening when he’s finished work (this is not different to my DH eating when he comes home at 730/8pm, my kids having eaten at 6pm, even as teenagers).
I’d do a family meal that everyone can eat together once or twice at weekends.

This doesn’t fix the other stuff.. and again I say we are an entirely ND household and NO ONE is allowed to entirely dictate the rules, but we do accept that DH works long hours and can be tired at the weekends/evenings. He’s also not the fussy eater (DD is, DS was) but he HATES food smells permeating the house and lingering in bedrooms. Eldest/DD is the same and won’t eat if DH/DD are having a curry and will insist upon waiting until later in the evening to grab her own meal. As it’s not every night, we let this go. No need to make every meal a battle.

We also changed the kitchen doors, coincidentally, to fire-doors (loft conversion) and in fact they are excellent at keeping smells confined to the kitchen, so we use windows and the extractor fan and contain it this way. I actually can now appreciate the fact that the smells in the bedroom can be a bit rank when someone forgets to close the doors these days (slow cooking tends to lead to lingering food smells).

Edited

Why does dh get to use a room solely that whole family could use and enjoy but not allowed

he can work upstairs in op office. Shut away. From smells and sounds

madness not being able to use a room for its intended use

BountifulPantry · 13/10/2025 17:20

You poor thing OP. This sounds really tricky for you. No suggestions except I hope you’re putting yourself first right now xxx

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 13/10/2025 17:08

Babyboomtastic · 13/10/2025 14:01

On the assumption that you really really love this man and want to make things work, I'd suggest you teach to him and explain

  • that things will have to change because it's not fair on you or the kids for things to stay as they are
  • but you can understand how difficult it is so if he commits to undergoing therapy for his issues then your are willing to slow down the charges so he can work through it in therapy at the same time.
  • if he won't do therapy then it's his choice to put up with the changes or leave.

Perhaps make a list of the changes you want (don't hold back on this, make it comprehensive) and he can help choose ones to start with and build up.

But you can't and shouldn't live like this.

This is excellent advice and I don't have anything to add to it but just want to send a hug to you @Rockininthefreeworld as your disquiet radiates off the page.

Whilst of course your DH shouldn't be forced to live a life where he is unhappy, neither should you or your DC.

TheAutumnCrow · 13/10/2025 17:02

Rockininthefreeworld · 13/10/2025 13:52

@TwinklyStork I want to be mindful of all of this, but I don't know how to handle it. I don't necessarily think he's doing any of it on purpose, but what am I supposed to do? He won't get help, he doesn't think anything will help and won't even entertain it

OP, I think the question that needs asking here is why your DH married you, and why he had two children with you.

Oaktreet · 13/10/2025 17:01

How awful for you. I think husband does sound unsupportive. Is there anywhere else he could work? Are their any meals that he does like that the children like as well? Could he at least compromise with eating together a few times a week?

mamagogo1 · 13/10/2025 16:52

How about cooking non fish non processed foods eg take chicken pieces dip into egg then roll in breadcrumbs before putting into the airfryer, serve with sweet potatoes you have cut into pieces and air fry. Or branch out beyond breaded products - try soft tortilla wraps, mince with taco seasoning, grated cheese, salad and sour cream, all in the middle and they build their own, kids love it

AngularMerkin · 13/10/2025 16:41

This is an awful way for you and your children to live. I would crack on with cooking and eating whatever and wherever I wanted and either he can stop being such a baby about it or he can move out. There is a particular food I can’t bear the smell of which the rest of my family loves so on those days I just do my own thing, they have it alone then ventilate the kitchen afterwards and it’s no big deal at all.

floppybit · 13/10/2025 15:51

DH being on his phone while you’re eating is a major problem. You need to ban phones at mealtimes because he’s supposed to be setting an example. If he has a screen then the kids will want one too.

suki1964 · 13/10/2025 15:15

@Rockininthefreeworld

Bet you didnt think you would have to deal with having to think about leaving him when you posted

My dad was a controlling prick as well and whilst Im in my 60's now, I still remember living in fear as a child . Kids do pick up on atmospheres. As a teen I was never home more then I needed to be, Id rather be at friends houses where there was fun and laughter and parents and children being able to chat to each other. Im ND myself and I struggle myself around foods, textures and smells and tbh they are getting worse as I age but I still cook the foods that the family like, even if some nights it means I dont eat the same meal as them but Id never not cook what they like because I dont like it

When the step kids were young and living with us, they were used to different foods, SD would only eat tinned marrow fat peas, I was near enough sick just opening the can, so we solved that one by her opening it and nuking them herself and Id sit as far away from her at the table as possible lol . And their go to snack food, something to eat they could get themselves - a pot noodle or super noodles would find me needing to do something upstairs with the bedroom door shut

Because they were my issues and I didnt want to make the children fussy around food , well any fussier then they were already

When my parents divorced life was a lot less stressful in a lot of ways. Because we weren't walking on eggshells constantly, there was never this huge oppressive atmosphere all the time

You have a lot of thinking to do, you dont have to decide on anything right now. But I think you really need to look at this marriage - honestly

outerspacepotato · 13/10/2025 15:01

You're enabling your extremely controlling hisband at the expense of your children.

If it's a mental health issue, I would make untreated mental illness a hill to die on. If it's not, he's wildly controlling and that would be a hill to die on too.

Eating together is a basic simple joy. Your children can't sit down at a table and share a very normal part of family life, enjoying a meal and some talk together. Your 6 year old already has can't do without screen time during dinner. That's awful. Your husband controls what they eat because he's got food aversions so he's limiting their diet, which is not healthy. You're both also setting them up for poor social behaviour around eating out with others.

Air purifiers do a great job of dealing with cooking odors and food smells. Open a window. Turn on your fan. He can leave the room while you're cooking. He's full of bullshit.

My kids still love my food and I freeze some for my oldest because there's some things she loves to take home and have mom's noodles and soups and stews along with some homemade bread.