I want to start eating meals as a family but there are so many hurdles to overcome

This.

I wouldn't want to pass on his picky eating either.

Hear hear.

ASD or not, he needs to learn to cope, for the sake of his children.

Echoing other posts re no screens, make it fun, even if DH eats later by himself etc but I would also add: start NOW.

The longer you wait, the harder it will be to get your kids into this habit.

washable rug if possible

Oh ffs, So sorry for the repeated posts. Didn’t know it had posted 🙈

ARFID is not a single thing with a set of symptoms. it is currently three different spheres with a lot of overlap between.

Not liking the smell of certain foods or some types of meals is not ARFID is is a preference which we all have.

Diagnosing someone with a serious condition that is very difficult to manage based on some strong preferences is ridiculous.

If you wish to get a diagnosis of autism and then a sensory assessment and then work with the ED units then take that route. But do not confuse preferences with a significant diagnosis such as ARFID.

Your DH is a big problem. If you eat in the dining room why don't you just open the window to let any smells out?

If he doesn't want to eat what the children like then he should make and eat his own food.
It's so important for families to eat together, it's a time for children to learn manners and an opportunity for all the family to converse together. Ban the tablet immediately and talk to your children. People used to manage perfectly well to eat with their children for hundreds of years without having to give the child a screen to look at.

Obviously with young children you won't be having long leisurely meals but children quickly learn to sit at the table and talk. If they leave the table in the middle of the meal then they're told to sit back down or no more dinner/ pudding etc, and mean it.

If you want to eat later with your husband say at weekends, then you and he should still sit at the table with them, even if you just have a cup of tea, but still talk with them, demonstrate manners etc. Don't leave them eating on their own while you hover round doing other things.

We find this really difficult too, it's hard when you are both working and often one of us is not home until 6.30, us or the kids have sports, and DC2 is at asc 3x week and has a substantial 'tea' there so often doesn't want a proper dinner. They both have school dinners as well which is a proper cooked lunch. DH and I often end up eating at 8.30 or 9ish or separately if out/sports. I beat myself up over it a lot and my mum pointed out the reason we could all eat as a family at 6 is that her and my dad both got home at 5 20 every day.

When they were in nursery we found they didn't want a dinner at all, they had tea at 4.30 and then just wanted toast and fruit.

We do try and do a Sunday dinner if we can and someone always sits with the kids while they eat. They are also both ND and have some food restrictions which makes it trickier.

Now DC 1 is in secondary though I think we're going to have at least 3 days where we sit together. Good luck! Kick your DH out of the dining room.

What will your DH eat? It does sound like he has potential issues. Does he interact with dcs otherwise.

Can you have a conversation with him about how this is limiting your children's opportunities - (my dd rang me this morning to tell me about her university formal dinner this morning).

Your h is the issue. Is he ND? He needs to put in place some strategies so that he doesn’t pass on his fussiness to the kids.

Where else in the house can he work? the dining room is for eating, and the family should take priority.

He’s going to have to compromise.

Is he so rigid and inflexible in other areas of your life too? It sounds exhausting - for you.

And your dc need to be able to sit nicely at the table without tablets! You will be doing them a huge favour to model this behaviour.

Well as I think others have said, its about being creative and not thinking necessarily about 'eating dinner together'

You can have a protected dedicated time that you sit at the table as a family, that may or may not involve food and if it does, it doesnt have to be a 'dinner' in the traditional sense. Perhaps it means a number of bowls with things that are easy to eat and enjoyed by all, even if it means its a bit samey.

You might also have a night where its not eating dinner or eating, but its table time, time to play a game at the table, talk at the table. Doesnt have to be a long time either.

It doesnt have to be every night, or even a night, you just need to almost 'book in' the time

A mat in the room or perhaps even lose the carpet and get some lino/vinyl put down. Sounds OTT perhaps but I think houses need to be designed around the needs of the family, not the family working around the decor of the house.

Your DH sounds fucking awful.

His food issues are controlling the WHOLE FUCKING FAMILY.

let him eat plain toast or whatever the fuck it is he eats, and just cook dinners and eat them. He can sort himself out.

Get him moved out of the dining room and just have meals there. He can work from somewhere else.

Is there somewhere else DH can work? It makes no sense for him to have a whole downstairs room when you obviously need it.

in terms of meals, a slow cooker and meal planning is your friend. You can always chuck something on the floor to protect the carpet (rug or similar) and a tablecloth for the table.

What are the sort of foods that make up the 10% of things your husband will eat?

We have dinner at 6 as a family nearly every day of the week. We cook enough for 2 meals on a Saturday and Sunday so we start the week with at least two meals for the week. We also make use of tumble down meals. A large joint of meat on a Sunday with the left over meat going into quick pasta or curries in the week.

My daughter has a limited diet due to allergies and is a fussy eater we base the food we make around what she can and will eat so that we can eat together.

We have a hard floor under our table but when we were weaning we had a washable drop cloth under my daughter chair to catch spilt food.

The smell in the dining room is there an issue of lingering smells in the room you currently eat in so likely to happen or is it a perceived worry that might not actually happen? I'd start with a meal once a week that you can all eat and that is a low smell risk and see how you go.

We all eat together at home (me, DH and kids aged 5 and 2) most of the time. What does help us is that, on weekdays, we all have a hot meal for lunch (whether at home, work or school/nursery) so for dinner we have sandwiches, crisps, fruit, yoghurt etc, basically swapped the meals. Quicker to prepare and no smells. Also everyone can have different things. Would that be doable for you?

Your husband needs a reset. He can't expect to be pandered to like a child when there are actual children in the household.

I think overall, I’d probably look at it as a 3 month “project” and try a few things- eating in the kitchen, getting one of those weaning sheets under DS and eat in the dining room, a few times a week or maybe Saturday Sunday lunch. One time Try just you and The kids and don’t worry about DH.
Try a few things and see what works?

I don’t think it matters who is fussy. Ear different things if you want, presumably you so all eat dinner now so this is an irrelevant problem.

dont put too much pressure on yourself to get it right/ perfect straight away.

To me, it sounds like your DH may have ARFID?

if that’s the case, then it’s not his ‘problem’ as others have said, it’s an eating disorder and even if he doesn’t have ARFID, it’s clear he has significant disordered eating.

Could you eat with the children in the lounge and DH eat in the kitchen or wherever his safe place to eat is?

It's ok to have sensory differences, we all have preferences. But, the world cannot stop because of that. Your DH needs to take responsibility for his own needs, he can open the window, light a candle whatever, but dictating is not healthy.

You are pandering to him which is modelling pandering to your children. Sometimes 'no" is a whole sentence. A firm no. A nothing doing no. A you can't manipulate me out of no. It can still be a kind no.

In allowing your DH to run the whole world in your home everyone is pandering to him and that is unhealthy, it reduces you, and your children are watching and learning.

Have I missed it ? How often does your husband cook for the family ?

Could you try a family breakfast every weekend instead? Pancakes won't stink the room out and are pretty good for fussy eaters as everyone can have different toppings. Make sure you have a no devices rule and maybe involve your eldest in the prep.

Sounds like your DH has marked the dining room as his space when in fact it’s a family space. Food smellls will not linger if you ventilate the room after eating.

Is it possible for him to work elsewhere?

As pp’s have said a cheap rug is a good bet with small kids and frankly your DH is going to have to work out some coping strategies around his sensory issues because that’s what good parenting involves.

What will your DH eat?