I want to start eating meals as a family but there are so many hurdles to overcome

In the bin with him

OP, you’ve been asked a couple of times but might have missed it - what does DH like to eat?

This might help with suggestions.

What help do you think he would get with this?

@Rockininthefreeworld would your husband be open to having his autism formally diagnosed and getting some help?

You have my total sympathy, as we had a lot of the same issues. We got into some very bad habits around kids eating in front of the TV. We managed to completely reset this after we extended the downstairs and all meals are now eaten at the table or the breakfast bar (depends slightly on what it is, anything messy is a table job, dinners are always at the table). Without devices. So it can be done and I found my kids adapted to this very quickly. I’d start using the dining room and putting a plastic sheet or cheap rug over the carpet where the kids sit.

In terms of food, you have my total sympathy. DC1 is ND and very fussy (not quite ARFID but not far off). DC2 became very fussy as a toddler as he wanted what DC1 had rather than what we were eating. DC1 won’t eat anything in a sauce. Natural preference for beige food and suspicious of meat/fish that isn’t breaded. I think the only meal we all agree on is pizza. It’s almost impossible for us to eat together during the week and feels almost pointless as the kids won’t eat what we eat and if I eat the same as them it’s a) boring and b) won’t reheat for DH. So we focus on eating together more at the weekend and that works well. We have pancakes for breakfast some weekends, and we aim for dinner together all eating variants of the same thing if necessary.

I wouldn’t stress too much about what your DCs are eating. I realised early on food was going to be a battle and went for aiming to de-stress at the table and for food from all the main food groups to be eaten plus a multivitamin. There are some good tips above as well. A plate of chopped fruit and veg that people can help themselves to definitely works with mine.

Small steps and don’t expect it to be instant.
The dining room is not your husband’s to control. Ask him to pack his work away on Friday at five and it reverts to dining room. Eat at the table Friday and Saturday evening and Sunday lunch. After lunch open the window to air the room.
Think about doing meals where everyone serves themselves from dishes in the centre of the table. More relaxed, more fun. Encourage the children to talk about what they enjoy about the food. Have rewards for trying something new.
It will be worth the effort.

So again, since you didn’t answer the question , if you both work from home, which room do you work from, and why can’t you swap so you work from the dining room instead and he works wherever you do now? Surely that would solve the problem of your husband not wanting food mess or smells in his work area?
It doesn’t solve everything but it at least frees up the dining room for being able to eat from.

I’d start by getting rid of the husband, the rest will be easy.

I was wondering if there was some autism going on. My whole family is and none of us like eating at the table or forced conversation. It’s hard to enjoy the meal for us.

Our POV is we’ve already spent loads of time chatting, why all sit and look at each other chewing when we could combine the meal with our interests and watch something we love. Separately, because we all like different things.

It just makes sense. If we never got together other than dinner time, fair enough. There would be a huge lack of family time. But we do and we’re all very close.

So what does dh eat ?

RIP carpet up or put a big washable plastic sheet under table /under kids

screens I don’t have an issue with esp if eating /on own but when a family meal it’s a no and no tv and we talk

6yr manages at school. He will be fine at home once he know you are being firm and don’t give in

dh can sit with you even if not eating or he can eat the plain stuff he does eat

Well, you can try various options.

i had a picky eater child and I deconstructed food.

so for example you could try having an indoor picnic in the living room. Buy a picnic rug (the kind that is waterproof on one side) and buy picky bits (bread, small bits of cheese, grapes, tomatoes etc) and have an indoor picnic.

you could also look at how some other cultures eat - so maybe get naan bread and make a curry basically without any spices for your kids to try.

lots of Chinese food is also on a “sharing” basis with white plain rice as the base - many picky kids (and adults!) will eat almost any amount of plain white rice and you could add it something like eggs Chinese style.

I had quite a lot of success with my picky eaters by doing a “culinary tour of the world” where we learnt a bit about the country and tried eating some foods from it. They didn’t necessarily like the foods but they understood the idea of different cultures.

bit ambitious for the two year old maybe but possibly something your dh could get behind for a weekend meal?

Btw my dh doesnt eat fish. When the dc were small I used to cook it when he wasn't here or pretend we didn't have enough for him and he was being lovely by having something else. He doesnt like the smell but he had to put up with it as I was determined that they wouldn't have his fish issue.

We also had a rule that you had to try everything at least three times and explained why even when they were really little. I'd also only cook one meal. I'd get them involved by rating the meal x/10 and suggesting improvements, they the had to eat it to give a rating. Also got them involved in cooking at the weekend.

I do cook from scratch (most of the time) but do plan for a week and work out the days when I have hardly any time and plan for that.

My dh works in our kitchen (where we eat most of the time) and he packs away every day. Your dh will have to do the same.

But that’s a moot point really because what do you do? He’s an adult and She can’t force him to change his mind.

i have a friend who is veggie and her husband has to eat meat in the garden. It’s not something my DH could tolerate, but that’s presumably what to stay married so her husband goes along with it.

Tackle 1 thing at a time: you’re not going to be able to suddenly all sit around the table with no electronics 7 days a week.

But the tablet has got to go. I know it’s annoying having to constantly chat & entertain but it’ll only get harder the longer you leave it.

Start with 1 meal a week, at the dining table, no devices. If DH wants to join you, great. If not then bollocks to him. If it’s something simple like a sandwich, fine. But you sit there and eat and have conversations.

We all talk about our day as a family. When the kids were really little it was “what was your happy thing today” but now they’re a bit older (7&9) it’s moved on a little to “how was your day; what was the best bit; did anything funny happen”. Whoever starts asks the person to their left, and when they’ve finished talking about their day they ask the next person the questions.

On keeping them at the table we do a couple of things with DD (3.5) that might help:

A timer showing 10mins- she has to sit at the table for that (unless she has finished all her food) but she doesn’t have to eat if she doesn’t want to, but we continue to engage her in conversation etc. Now she knows she doesn’t get to rush off and play she is more likely to eat. And actually we only had to do it for a couple of weeks and then now bring it out occasionally.

We have started a tradition of asking everyone what there ‘best bit’ of the day was and their ‘tricky bit’ which gets conversation going and engages her, also gives an opportunity for praise and to discuss difficult emotions she might have had. She also likes to add in ‘funny bit’.

If I’m not eating with her- normally breakfast or lunch time as we generally eat dinner together, I will often read to her from a book while she eats (currently Winnie the Pooh) which she loves.

If, as I think he is, he's saying the OP can't fry any food, and as we know he is, is saying that the OP and her children can't use their own dining room even when he's not working, then he absolutely is causing a problem.

As in, your husband doesn't like frying in the house? You can't be held to that, that's crazy.

Trying to be more constructive...

Big washable rug for the dining room.
Candles, scented if he doesn't mind, unscented if he does, to help clear the food smells.
Throw open the windows after dinner while you clean up with a fan on. Throw open the windows in the morning.

Start small - aim for once a fortnight or once a week to start with. Give up worrying about whether your husband eats with you. Get rid of the tablet at the table. Start short as well - set a timer if necessary.

Food wise, you cannot limit your children on the basis of what your husband is prepared to eat and smell. As an ex-fussy eater whose mum absolutely supported me in expanding my palette and enabling me to live a full and normal life as an adult (but without making it a terrible battle), I really feel you'd be doing your children a catastrophic disservice if you don't find a way round that.

Absolutely useless now until the spring, but could you eat as a family in the garden? Less smells, less mess, a bit different so maybe tablet/phone issues might go away.

I can see how you'd be tired of managing this alone.
You have three children.

You have a husband problem. He's making life difficult for you and actively working against the creation of a family life.

He needs to cook for himself. Do not pander to his pickiness any more.

You can cook at weekends for yourself and the kids. Batch cook a few meals or sauces that will go on rice or pasta.

Insist on using the dining room for eating the evening meal. Put down a washable rug over the carpet. Stand up for this. Your H needs to figure out an alternative working space.

Do you cook with the children? I know it isn’t part of eating but at the weekend it might be worth getting them involved - you get screen free time together, they’re more likely to eat food they’ve helped to make, and it will make the meal process feel more sociable even if the actual eating part isn’t quite what you would like.

My ex had OCD and other mental health needs, and I really do understand how hard it is when your partner says you can’t do something. Don’t beat yourself up for slipping into bad habits.

I don’t think it’s really fair to say the DH is the problem or the issue. He’s an adult and it’s up to him how he wants to do dinner time. If his and OPs expectations mismatch they both have to decide how important digging their heels in is.. to the point you’ll get to which is divorce and don’t whatever you want in your own homes. DH obviously isn’t open or willing to compromise on this issue.

You cook for you and your children and you eat together in the dining room.

Your DH can sort himself out and eat (and work) elsewhere if he doesn’t like the smell.

And he can remind himself that he’s part of a family and that as parents you are a team.

My approach would be:

Have a serious conversation with DH about how his aversion to various foods/smells is impacting his children, you and wider family life. Tell him that this is a problem that you need to solve. Ask him for his input about how this could work. As a suggestion, you switch office spaces, you work in the dining room and DH can take your space. You can agree to batch cook stuff like Bolognese when he is out of the house and just reheat for the kids (this saves time as well as smell). I would ask him to try becoming accustomed to some foods/smells that he isn't currently; to work on his issues.

Tell DS that starting Monday there will be no more tablets at the table and stick to it. Stick to it absolutely consistently. Tell him that if he sits and eats well he may have it for twenty minutes after dinner (when everyone is finished and plates are cleared).

On the weekend eat with your children on the dining room.

During the week make your children dinner and have a small portion of whatever they're having with them (either in the kitchen or the dining room). Eat properly later with DH.