I want to start eating meals as a family but there are so many hurdles to overcome

Your DH is the problem
Put him to one side and crack on doing what you think is right for you and the children.
Make the food for the 3 of you ,eat it in the dinning room ..you can put plastic sheets on the floor under the 2 year olds chair ..open the window after to remove smells .
Just crack on and do what you need to do ..DH is not going to support you ,sooner you accept that the better

Sorry @Rockininthefreeworld , your husband is the problem

I worry so much that I'm letting my kids down. When I bring up meals he says things like "it really doesn't matter, I don't know why you're making a big deal out this, not all families do that and it doesn't have to be like the fantasy in your head. The kids are just fine."

No, the one best thing you can do as a family is eat together. Not everyone has to eat the same meal if there are sensory issues etc, but the act of sitting at a table, leaning how to use a knife and fork, trying different foods, engaging with the family - so hugely important

Getting the kids used to a meal time, when everything is off, when they can come help lay the table - even a 2 year old can carry the cutlery to the table , the sharing of each others day, a time to offload and share.

When my husband's kids started to come to say with us, I insisted on table dinners, we as a couple already did so. The kids were used to grabbing and going at their mums and nans so it was a HUGE fight for me - you sit at the table until we are all finished if you choose to eat or not. Both kids now have done the same with their kids - dinner is at 6pm and you will be home for it, join us at the table, or you go without.

Family life is busy, everyone needs to be somewhere else or doing something different for most of the waking hours. Carving out one hour a day so you are all together , where you make plans, where you talk about each others day can not be beat

If your husbands tics disallow him to participate, you crack on with the kids . That half hour/hour sat at the table is priceless in the quality time you spend with them

To me this is the most important... A parent actually modelling what a family meal is....

Your OH is being an idiot... How does he expect the kids to grow up and behave in a pro social way??

Also he's sending message it's OK to be ridiculously fussy!

As they grow up they'll understand their dad isn't interested in spending time eating with them...

Its a crap message

... My dad did this throughout my childhood... Always a battle for my mum... He either ate separately in front of TV.. Or would come to table very late, with bad grace, ignore everyone and sit and read the paper (pre electronics).

We learnt from him that women bought, prepared and served food and entertained people and dad just ate and did what he fancied.

You don’t have to aim for perfect - there’s no such thing, but you could start with one night a week. When my kids were little one of their favourite dinners was Lounge Picnic. We’d put the blanket on the floor and just have picnic type food - carrot and cucumber sticks, ham, nice bread or a bowl of plain pasta (my kids loved that!), some cheese, olives, juice boxes, etc. and everyone helped themselves.

I suspect you have bigger problems and the eating together is the tip of the iceberg, but in the short term this is a nice easy and sociable way to eat - also, no cooking!

Op please read or listen to the book stolen focus

ps op ‘I’m considering leaving him ‘
i am giving you full permission to do this. You are walking on eggshells with him and not putting your children’s needs first because he won’t let you. If you’re not able to law down the law with him like he does to you and the kids, then they will be better off with you leaving and giving them a great childhood and teaching them social skills. I don’t miss my controlling ex at all.

Op have you said anywhere here that your partner is autistic? Your household and mealtime setup sounds typical for an autistic/ adhd family, to the letter, including the kids on tablets etc.
if this is the case maybe your life would be easier if you let go of the concept of how it’s done in households where people don’t have sensory issues or need screens to regulate themselves after a long draining day at school and don’t all like the same food, it might be better in the long run if you’re not trying to force square pegs into round holes .

This is so stressful for you!!

Ps tablet at the table noooo… remember you are the adult here and you can stamp
tbis out yes there will be a tantrum or two but do not let that cement. Sorry to sound harsh but he shouldn’t be using a tablet in the evening on a school night anyway. There is no need at all for that especially with two adults in the house.
if he is bored - colouring, reading, play dough, puzzles, word searches, handwriting practise, chore list to work through, writing letters to grandparents etc etc etc

A proper family dining table is essential to me. I'd swap the flooring to wood flooring and get a proper table in there.

Your husband is being unreasonable.
i eat with my two year old and its either what he has or something I can quickly heat up as I have no time to cook from scratch after work either. If their dad is at home then he can at least come and sit and talk to his children and have a cup of tea or some crudités while they eat.

I agree with stricter rules for the tablet and starting with 1-2 dining room meals a week. DH can cook his own food and eat separately if he wants, but sitting together while the kids eat and talk is nice.

This. If your DH won’t, then you absolutely should.

We are very lucky to all eat together as a family every night. On the rare occasion either myself or DH can’t, we find it is even more special as my whole sole purpose is on the kids/vice versa. Your kids will really value this time to talk about your day and eat together.

Both me and DP work at the dining table at various times. We just clear it to eat in the evenings. Not many of us have the luxury of having an office that is only an office. Multi-use rooms is the norm.

Start small — pick one meal a week and build from there.

When my dcs were little we didn't have room for a dining table, and my DH absolutely hated eating out so.I used to take them to cafes to experience eating out.

At home they had their own little table and I'd always sit with them whilst they ate sometimes I'd eat with them or just sit and chat.

Rhe DCs are adults now and through their teens had a lot of meals out with friends.

You've got lots of ideas and suggestions, I'm really rooting for you as I know how hard it is 💐

DH is the massive obstacle here and the importance of eating together can never be made enough. To give in on this. Fix a time for dinner and stick to it as often as you can each week and sit in the dining room with a temporary cheap rug down under the table. It’s a dead room in the house otherwise. You will see how quickly eating habits improve when you all eat a shared meal and conversations and good communication habits start. Fight tooth and nail for this. Don’t give into his controlling behaviour around it (won’t eat this, doesn’t want to smell that, don’t eat there, don’t let the kids eat in there etc)

This.

He obviously has issues that he needs help with. But you and the children are not just the supporting cast to his main character. You should not have to bend and adapt all of your lives around him. Compromise should come from both sides.

Personally I cannot imagine never being able to cook a spag bol, or a chilli.

YABU to accept your husband laying down the law like this. I'd be asking him who the ever-loving fuck he thinks he is. If he is WFH and can find an appropriate space that does not disrupt family life, good for him, but he does not take the dining room. That room already has a purpose. It isn't your or your DCs responsibility to move over and provide him with office space.

Both DH and DD have ARFID and their safe food lists do not overlap. I have allergies and their safe food lists contain many things I can’t eat. Some of their safe foods can’t be eaten with me in the room.

we still eat together as a family a few times a week, we just eat different things. It takes planning, but we manage.

Hang in there OP. Your kids are still young enough that you can change this. It's important to you, you feel ashamed of the current setup - you can change it.

I have to say I always had meals with my children at the table, and still do now they are adults. Screens are definitely not allowed. I disagree with PPs saying to start small with one or two a week - I'd just set a red line now and tell everyone how it's going to be. Within a week it will be fine.

Give him your office and reclaim the dining room. Make mealtimes a lovely family time, even just for 20 minutes and even if it's just you and your DC.

Re the frying things, does your DH ever go out for the day? Is it an option to batch cook a load of chilli or bolognaise and put it in the freezer, then open all the windows etc so it hopefully doesn't affect him when he gets back?

The main thing to remember tomorrow is it's not about who is right and who is wrong about kids sitting at the table etc. It's about this being something that really matters to you, and you bend around him in lots of ways to meet his needs, and this is what you need him to do.

We have a kitchen island in the house we moved into. I bloody hate it. Makes a corridor to the back door. The bins, dog bowls add to the chaos. I really miss my table.

I’m glad @Rockininthefreeworld

Frozen mashed/ roast potatoes etc are great for Sunday roast fuss-pots. Can just use the amount you need and save the rest for next week. But still keeps the ‘dinner is roast chicken and potatoes’ line.

Would it be possible to remove the kitchen island and have a small table in the kitchen, the kind you can tuck chairs right under so it doesn't take up much space, or maybe one of the fold up ones? I don't know how much it would cost, but maybe worth it? I can get that keeping one room as an office can be easier if people wfh, and it's often easier to have a small table in the kitchen so you can both cook and talk to the kids at the same time. Some people do eat at islands, but I get that a lot of people find it uncomfortable/not suitable with young kids.

How does your DH feel about the kids copying his eating habits?

As with everything with children, parents have to set an example. “Do as I say and not as I do” rarely works as children learn from observing others.

Don’t let his approach hold you back from setting a good example. It’s much easier to eat in the kitchen when you have young children. But, if you really can’t fit any sort of table in there (fold out one?), then you need to make the dining room more suitable. Maybe a large outdoor rug, which will be waterproof and wipeable, for under the table? And have the window open to deal with odours?

As for what you eat, if your DH refuses to instil love of a wide range of home-cooked food, with lots of different vegetables, herbs and spices, cook these meals for you and the kids (batch-cooked for efficiency) and let your DH make his own meals. And no screens at mealtimes creates precious time when the whole family can chat and shows kids how to behave at a dining table, wherever they are. When they were really little, mine were allowed little toys or books to occupy themselves, whether at home or eating out, but we still chatted to them the whole time too.

Growing your own food (pots of herbs like parsley, mint and sage, tomatoes or strawberries) helps kids appreciate and understand food. As does involving them in preparing the food and setting the table. IME it all helps instil good eating habits.