I want to start eating meals as a family but there are so many hurdles to overcome

All of this is utterly ridiculous. DH is a dictator having no regard to normal family routines. He is destroying your DCs mental health for his own needs. This is an abusive situation. Remove yourself and DCs from this place (it is not a home) or get him removed by the authorities. He is mentally deficient and is morally wrong. Speak to a DV organisation and make sure your children do not grow up in this unnatural and abusive situation.

We always had carpet in our DR which was straight off the kitchen (no other way to access DR). DCs were very young when we moved into this home. I don't understand why every room has to be pristine all the time: So what is the problem if there is food on the carpet/floor? Eating is a social/family occasion all meals every day.

Yep, get a rug down on the floor and a nice dining table. The 6 yr old will have to learn that when you sit at the table it's for a meal, not tablet time, the 2 yr old, get a high chair and put it up to the table-the child will follow it's elder siblings actions. As for DH, he can cook a meal for a change! How about he does 3 dinners a week? Why should you do it all?, as you work too. He'll soon learn to be less picky! - and mmak3 sure he washes up and puts everything away!

Husband can use the kitchen as an office or deal with the smells, a dining room that can't be used as a dining room is crazy, husband can get a fold out desk and work in the bedroom or living room too, and he maybe need to go get diagnosed at the doctors to deal with his sensory issues

How’s it going @Rockininthefreeworld

OP, as others have said your biggest challenge here is your DH. He sounds challenging on the food front!

In terms of the timing it is absolutely doable. My DW and I both work (fully office based 5 days a week) and don't get home until 6pm usually. We have a 1&3 year old and probably eat together 12/13 nights a fortnight, usually only missing nights if one of us is going out.

We focus on either very quick meals (carbonara etc that you can make in 10-15 minutes maximum) or we have meals that are mostly oven based and pre-set the oven to come on so its ready for getting home (think chicken kiev with mini roast potatoes and roasted veg, casseroles etc.) We also do lots of batch cooking so will make a big spag bol, chilli, shepherds pie etc at a weekend and then have those 1-2 days a week.

Does he use it to operate on his patients?!?

If you’re both working from home, start using the slow cooker. Insist that you use the dining room because that’s what it’s for and ignore your husband. He’s being ridiculous. Other than that I don’t see any barriers. How are you supposed to teach your children communication at the dining room table if they never get a child to practice? In terms of different food, is there a reason the children won’t eat what you eat?
I think someone’s already said, your husband is the problem.

It isn't his office. It is the dining room and he uses it as an office. He's going to have to share. He's meant to be and adult

Oh for god’s sake. Don’t be so bloody ridiculous. I shall respond to this comment just so everyone understands that you are wrong and how silly you are making yourself look.

I am a disabled autistic person myself, which is why I pulled the PP up on her comment. How dare you accuse me of ableism? You don’t even know the meaning of the word. You also need to learn to read, dear. Or at least to comprehend, because you’re clearly not very bright and your skills could do with some work.

READ.

You’re failing to understand my point.

You’ve assumed a) that the DH is autistic b) that there’s nothing he can do about his aversion to cooking smells and c) that all other autistic people will be the same.

And impossible to ban if DH is on his phone at the table. No screens for anyone is likely to be hardest.

My DH likes to watch TV at mealtimes and not talk, this is tricky to field with small children.
I eat earlier with DC and at our evening meal we still give a little food to DC but he can watch a screen. Not ideal but you have to survive somehow.

No I did not. I asked the PP if she realised that that’s what she had said in her post, because her post was so prejudiced. She said that adults who couldn’t cope with smells had no business being in a relationship. Almost the entire thread is about an obviously autistic man who can’t cope with cooking smells.

Learn to bloody read, or at least learn to bloody read with context. and kindly do not ascribe ableist intent to me when I did not make it.

This is all pretty sad, @Rockininthefreeworld (though I’m glad you were able to enjoy one meal together). I know I and my sibling look back on shared family meals around the dining table as probably the most formative element of our childhoods. It’s where we learned about our parents’ histories and got to know them as people, not just parents. It’s where we told stories and began to understand the world. It’s where we argued over politics and science and religion and school and music and everything. And learned about food. Your children have already missed out …

The thing is, this restriction on natural family life will have, and probably already is having, a deleterious effect on your children’s social lives and development. You sound ‘educated’ - but if this carries on your children will struggle to interact successfully if invited to other children’s homes, and what happens for the next 16 years when they want to invite their friends round? How’s that going to go with your outstandingly miserable partner blocking any fun at all? No fry ups? And no running in and out of the house all summer?

There are so many threads here where parents who perhaps didn’t have the best education themselves are looking for ways to prevent their children applying to decent universities - because they know they haven’t equipped them with basic social skills. Reminiscences from adults who’d never sat around a dining table or been to a restaurant until they fought their way out of a restrictive home life. This cannot be what you wanted for your children when you decided to have them?

Your husband thinks he’s turned out all right. He hasn’t - and it would be a dereliction of duty for you to allow him to warp his children’s childhoods any further.

No - the PP said if people can’t cope with cooking smells then they shouldn’t get married and have kids.

You said that would mean autistic people couldn’t get married, as if all autistic people can’t cope with cooking smells and/or have sensory issues they can’t manage.

That’s what was prejudiced.

I’m not. I’m calling out the person who did

Listening to music together while eating together perhaps or watching TV.

She did, he didn’t want to

The more I think about this, the more it makes me angry. Just because he's a fussy eater doesn't mean he can't cook for you and the children. Teach him how to batch cook at the weekend and get a menu plan. He's just making excuses. I cooked for my family, but my wife washed and ironed. It was equitable. Two of the family members were vegetarian, but I still (obviously) cooked for them.
Tell him that after he finishes work, he should pack away his office paraphernalia from the dining room and set the table. In our house, the carpets did get messy, but guess what, we ate together and it was one of the most enjoyable times of the day. And then we cleaned the carpets, but we sat together and chatted and ate good food. Your DH needs to up his game.

Your DH is a selfish clown. Tell him to pack his office in your dining room away each day after work. Then get the scoundrel to set the table. Remember it's both your responsibility to look after the children. He sounds like a nightmare. Unbelievable selfish.

Honestly having read the thread and all responses I'd just get rid of the husband, he sounds like an absolute ballbag.

This is so prejudiced.

Autistic people are just as able to manage the things they find hard and accommodate others as the rest of the world. Why are you infantilising them?

Did you suggest swapping home offices, @Rockininthefreeworld? If so, what was his reaction?

Remember that you are important in this too. What would it feel like not to be walking on eggshells in your own home, to be able to open the windows when you want, to eat together without worrying about it? To live without feeling exhausted all the time? You deserve that.

I still want to know what dh manages to eat

is it a meal all 4 of you can eat @Rockininthefreeworld

Kids adjust to a new normal very quickly. My 7 year old loves setting the table and the fact that this is a time we pay a lot of attention to what she's done in the day. She is also pretty picky, as I think most kids are, and generally that means I make one thing for her and one for us, or give her a blander version anyway. But she likes to help cook and that's amazing time too. So I guess I'm saying it's well worth the effort. But it sounds like your DH needs to get on board. Tell him he's undervaluing what it would mean to you and it's not an option and if he doesn't commit it will be noted. Up to you how you manage him ; ) But he can't expect an actual dining room not be used for dining. That's not on.