AIBU and expecting too much? Is this just married life?

No it's not normal and its not sustainable.

Firstly because he's hardly ever physically there to help you with your child so you're doing the bulk of the childcare without support (and presumably not getting much downtime). Secondly because he's not present in the relationship, he is with you but not "with" you and is spending all his leisure time on activities which don't include you.

A lot of men unfortunately settle into this when they get married.

You need to have a frank conversation with him and let him know it's not working for you and he has a choice of changing or you separate.

It all sounds very unsatisfactory. You've asked him to spend more time with you and he won't. Would you consider splitting up. If not then develop your own interests and friends and hobbies as far as you are able and see what happens.

You are definitely not neurotic. No way. You are a very conscious and hard working individual who prioritises her child. He is very selfish and he is taking the absolute mick out of you!! He needs a good talking to and if the work and responsibilities are not split 50/50 then you can dump him and get every other weekend as well as 2/3 nights in the week all to yourself to play out and enjoy, while he does something for a change!! Tell him sooner rather than later and please don’t be a doormat as that’s a life of resentment and a very bad role model for your child. Love and support 💕to you xxxx

I suspect he’s bored shitless. That doesn’t necessarily spell disaster if you’re both happy with the hum drum work-kid-tea-tv-bed cycle. But the Xbox and hobbies are a distraction from boredom.

I think you need a big ol’ honest sit down chat together and find out what you both want/expect out of the marriage, and whether you’re both still on the same page.

I think a lot of the responses on here are completely OTT! Just sit down and have a chat together about what you want re time together and what that looks like to you. People are different - if my DH suggested going on a hike when parents had the baby I'd think he was insane 🤣. Maybe he's tired and doesn't realise that it's affecting you. Sometimes you have to spell things out, even if you are married. It sounds like maybe hr should reduce the hobbies as that might breed resentment as you're doing most of the childcare. Xxx

Is he 15?! I find this really sad!

So sorry to hear this OP. I'm a single parent and my life sounds much less relentless than yours. You pretty much are on your own so think about how you can build connections with friends and develop your own hobbies. That's definitely not a marriage and you need to give him an ultimatum. If he doesnt change then make plans to leave

We obviously spend a lot of time together
You obviously don't. Has he always been like this or when did he change. What is the hobby.

We both work in the week, and he has hobbies nearly every day after work. He usually comes home about 9, we eat and go to bed. I have already put DD at this point.

and he goes on his computer gaming in addition to the above?

my goodness he saw you coming, didn't he. He's massively taking the rise out of you.

im surprised you think it would be difficult spending a night apart, I'd have said it was a blessing.

He's selfish and you're not compatible. Sad as it is, if he's not going to change you need to decide if it's something you can deal with. If not you need to leave

My DH was a little like this, I would be with DD all evening in a different room while he was gaming in another. I gave him an ultimatum, and he started to spend some evenings with me. We now spend most evenings together.

You've only been together 3 years and this is your life...? 😕

That’s not a healthy loving relationship. He’s prioritising living his single life over being an attentive husband and father.

He’s treating you as his child’s nanny and general housekeeper, not a life partner!

You don’t have to put up with this if it makes you unhappy.

You need to sit him down and have a serious conversation and tell him straight that you’re not prepared to carry on like this any longer. He has the opportunity to change and if he’s not willing to prioritise you and his child over his selfish single lifestyle, then the relationship is over and he needs to move out.

That’s awful!
This all sounds so lonely. It has to change!

This. Tell him it’s not acceptable. Tell him to man up and act like an adult, parent and partner.
Tell him if he co to he’s to act likes he’s single then he can fuck off and be single.

Sounds like he is one of those who likes the idea of a partner/marriage and children but wants to carry on living the single, carefree life and sadly he is using you to enable it.

We obviously spend a lot of time together, and we’ve never spent a night apart (we joke that we would find this very hard). We both work in the week, and he has hobbies nearly every day after work. He usually comes home about 9, we eat and go to bed. I have already put DD at this point.

He doesn't bother to come home and send time with his child before they go to bed, great.

at the weekends, we will do stuff with DD. She goes to bed at 7. Usually he will then go on his gaming until midnight. If I say I want to spend time with him he says “we’re always together” - but I I mean doing something! Not just sitting in the same room. He then begrudgingly will say “well let’s watch a film then”. He will fall asleep whilst watching it.

What a waste of a life for you. He doesn't want to interact with either you or your child, X Box gaming is far more appealing.

Whenever I say I want to do something, even just a hike whilst DD is at mums, he’ll say “we got the rest of our lives together what’s the rush!”

Doesn't want to be with you doing anything, you should both be grabbing any opportunity to do things whilst you are young.

weve had a conversation before that his hobbies take up a lot of time and he reduced this to 2 times a week, but this has now gone back to 5 times a week. I feel like I can’t tell him to spend more time with me!

He doesn't want to send more time with you or his child that is the cold, hard truth.

today he’s taken DD to his hobby to “watch” him. I’m unwell in bed so couldn’t go. He left at 9 and I spoke to him at 10, but now his phone is going to voicemail.

I am sure your dd is loving being there watching her dad (sarcasm). As to where he is now and the reason he has gone incommunicado I have no idea.

I feel like I’m always asking for time or communication from him. I don’t think there’s anyone else but I feel like he just doesn’t even think of me

He doesn't, he is not interested in being in your company or doing anything with you. Hobbies and gaming are far more interesting and worthy in his opinion than you or your child.

You might as well be living alone with your child.

It's not a million miles from my marriage, even the time line is similar, together 3 years, DD is 2.

However DH and I play a board game together once a week, watch films and tv shows together and our individual hobbies take us each out separately once a week. We commit to spend the other nights together, even if we are just staying in and binging Bridge of Lies!

When we can get a babysitter, we go for a bike ride together or a meal. We also have family days at weekends with DD, thus weekend was a castle.

I don't have to beg him to spend time together.

You need to insist on it, but you may be on to a losing battle.

No, this isn't 'just married life'.

Why isn't he parenting his child?

Why don't you get any time to do hobbies or relax as you want to ?

Why don't you eat together as a family / eat at a normal time?

Why should you be wearing headphones to go to sleep ?

Such a relatively short time into your relationship, why doesn't he ever want to spend time together ?

Why doesn't he want to spend time with your dc? Bathing her, putting her to bed, reading her story ?

I couldn’t live like this. Gaming every night? How old is he? The saddest thing is that he’s not putting his child to bed all week. He clearly doesn’t want to spend time with you both ☹️

Honestly OP, none of what you describe is normal family life.

He’s not ‘laid back and chilled.’
He’s abhorrently selfish, lazy, sexist and utterly awful.
im not sure what you’re gaining by pretending this is a relationship in any way.

i can’t see what value he is bringing to yours or your child’s life.

If this is after 2 years it really doesn't bode well

For some people this is normal married life, because they are married to selfish arseholes. I've been married for well over a decade and this isn't normal to me. My DH actually wants to spend time with me, does equal childcare and doesn't spend tons of time on hobbies or gaming. It doesn't have to be what your life is like either.

It sounds awful OP.

What are these "hobbies" that he has to spend 5 nights a week at them.

And when is your time for hobbies/just general down time.

As a PP said, child free time needs to be equal.

I would get a weekly planner and (if I was feeling generous) ask him to select the two nights a week he would like for hobbies/socialising/free time. Then you pick two for you. The other three are spent as a family.

Also agree that regular date nights would be a good idea. Those don't always have to be out of the house, but they should be as often as you can afford and are happy to have a babysitter.

I’ve been with my husband for 35 years. We both work full time and always have, although retirement is gleefully looming.

We have separate hobbies. DH has an allotment and we have a huge garden that he maintains, he woodworks, is passionate about music and follows fantasy football. I paint, make glass beads and other things and as such, we basically do things for pleasure apart, we’re just different people with different interests.

Having said all that, we do find time to spend together, at least an hour or two a day, depending upon other commitments. It’s really important, I think, to stop a marriage becoming stale and becoming ships in the night. We spend evenings eating, watching a film, or talking and listening to music and get quality time together. Without that… I doubt we would still be together, and happy, after all these years.