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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU and expecting too much? Is this just married life?

209 replies

Stepz · 12/10/2025 15:42

I’ve been with my DH for 3 years. DD is 2. He’s very laid back and chilled and I’m more neurotic I think!

We obviously spend a lot of time together, and we’ve never spent a night apart (we joke that we would find this very hard). We both work in the week, and he has hobbies nearly every day after work. He usually comes home about 9, we eat and go to bed. I have already put DD at this point.

at the weekends, we will do stuff with DD. She goes to bed at 7. Usually he will then go on his gaming until midnight. If I say I want to spend time with him he says “we’re always together” - but I I mean doing something! Not just sitting in the same room. He then begrudgingly will say “well let’s watch a film then”. He will fall asleep whilst watching it.

Whenever I say I want to do something, even just a hike whilst DD is at mums, he’ll say “we got the rest of our lives together what’s the rush!”

weve had a conversation before that his hobbies take up a lot of time and he reduced this to 2 times a week, but this has now gone back to 5 times a week. I feel like I can’t tell him to spend more time with me!

today he’s taken DD to his hobby to “watch” him. I’m unwell in bed so couldn’t go. He left at 9 and I spoke to him at 10, but now his phone is going to voicemail.

I feel like I’m always asking for time or communication from him. I don’t think there’s anyone else but I feel like he just doesn’t even think of me

OP posts:
lifeonmars100 · 12/10/2025 20:57

poor you and your poor daughter, both of you have no quality time with this man who acts like a lodger, not a husband and father.

NovaF · 12/10/2025 20:55

Stepz · 12/10/2025 19:59

His hobby is boxing. He takes on loads of responsibility and now he mentors younger people there. He will say class finishes at 9, and then sometimes waltz in at 10. He will say he was chatting to new members. I find it a complete disregard for me to be honest. it caused a lot of arguments, but it never resolves.

I have my own hobbies. I go to the gym before work (6am) and then come back and go to work. I will see my friends once every 2 weeks.

My issue is that the marriage itself just feels like 2 housemates. He’s lazy - showers infrequently, no teeth brushing, eats his dinner in bed, plays Xbox.

so it’s:
9pm (ish) - home
930 - smoking outside
1030 - bed and dinner
1030-12 - Xbox

Is this a real post? He sounds like a teenage boy. What do you mean her does not brush his teeth? He has no regard for you or your child. What difference would it make to your life if he officially dropped out of it?

daisychain01 · 12/10/2025 20:50

Iloveeverycat · 12/10/2025 19:06

We obviously spend a lot of time together
You obviously don't. Has he always been like this or when did he change. What is the hobby.

What's the betting it's long distance running or cycling that takes him away for a whole day at the weekend.

PlacidPenelope · 12/10/2025 20:49

Stepz · 12/10/2025 19:59

His hobby is boxing. He takes on loads of responsibility and now he mentors younger people there. He will say class finishes at 9, and then sometimes waltz in at 10. He will say he was chatting to new members. I find it a complete disregard for me to be honest. it caused a lot of arguments, but it never resolves.

I have my own hobbies. I go to the gym before work (6am) and then come back and go to work. I will see my friends once every 2 weeks.

My issue is that the marriage itself just feels like 2 housemates. He’s lazy - showers infrequently, no teeth brushing, eats his dinner in bed, plays Xbox.

so it’s:
9pm (ish) - home
930 - smoking outside
1030 - bed and dinner
1030-12 - Xbox

Why on earth do you want to live like that or put up with that level of disregard for you?

In answer to your question in the opening post NO this is NOT just what married life is, as you say you are nothing more than room mates.

You deserve better and are worth more than this @Stepz end it and go and get a better life.

EnchantedToMeetYou2 · 12/10/2025 20:47

Can I ask @Stepz - was he like this before you got married? You say you’ve been together 5 years and married for 3? Did he suddenly turn this way after marriage or after DC was born? Or has he always been this was and you expected marriage to change that?

I’ll be honest, the XBox all night and you having to wear headphones to bed was enough for me to think he’s an arsehole - but the not showering or brushing teeth has taken it to a whole new level.
He sounds like an absolute selfish twat, but I’m sorry - you are enabling him. It’s your home too - why is he playing Xbox in bed at all hours while you wear headphones to sleep? I’d have told mine that was absolutely not on. If he wants to do that then it’s at least in a separate room so you can sleep in peace.

IndieRocknRoll · 12/10/2025 20:47

Wow…just no.
is he 17 years old?! I’m amazed you’ve put up with it this long to be honest. He’s the definition of a manchild. You need to put your foot down and establish some non negotiables.
Hobbies 2 nights max. Home for 8pm, no gaming in bed…come on your standards must be higher than this?!

NannyOggsScones · 12/10/2025 20:45

Have I read this right? He’s playing Xbox in bed? For that alone I would be reading him the riot act let alone the poor hygiene thing. I’ve been with DH for over 30 years - we’ve never had a tv in our bedroom. We don’t even have our phones in our bedroom. Just bed, radio and books.

LillyPJ · 12/10/2025 20:40

He doesn't seem to contribute anything to the relationship or add anything to your life or the family. I wonder why you put up with it and why you're still with him.

Hummusanddipdip · 12/10/2025 20:38

Oh op, I'm sorry this doesnt sound fun for you, and his lack moo hygiene is off putting. If you want to stay with him you need to read him the riot act because if I was you I'd be planning my exit. Dh is a gym bunny and a massive pc gamer, but he is a lot more checked in than yours seems to be.

Dh and I have been together for 13 years, we have 2 children and we both work full time and I've just started an ou degree our weeks look like this:

Mornings we get up, depending on the day either I get both children ready or we do one each, I take the youngest to childcare and dh either takes eldest to school or grandparents for school run and goes to work.

After work I go to the gym 3 days a week and run an after school club 1 day. Dh goes gym most evenings. I get youngest from nursery or pick boys up from grandparents and we are home for 6ish and make dinner (if they haven't eaten woth grandparents) dh gets home 7/7.30 we take it in turns putting a child to bed. I'll cook dinner for us we eat and chat, he'll then get under my feet cleaning the kitchen while I make lunches for the next day. He then games and I study until we go to bed.

Weekends: we do a parkrun every Saturday with his mum and the children, my parents and his dad come to watch, sometimes play in the park with the youngest or I'll have them in a carrier or my back. We then go home, if we can be bothered go and do a food shop, if not just do some house work and just mess about with the children. Spend some time with my parents. Sundays is usually a trip to the skate park with the children as eldest is learning to skate and scooter. Youngest and I run around in the park. We go to the either set of parents at lunchtime, either stay there til nearly bedtime and chat or we leave the children with their grandparents for a few hours and go do a food shop and a gym session. I also do about 6 hours of study over the 2 days, usually during youngests naptime. Dh will game or entertain the eldest in this time.

We dont spend loads of time together just us, but theres a lot of family time. When dh and I first got together he went to the gym 6 days a week for 3+ hours a time, my sessions were 45 mins-hour max and we had a huge chat about how much time was realistic once children came along because I saw the future of me basically single parenting if we continued. I still carry a lot of the parenting mental load, but I work term time, so have that flexibility during the school holidays.

whatwasthatnoise · 12/10/2025 20:37

Firstly, I take my hat off to those who spend their free evenings supporting activities for young people. My kids have certainly benefited from that within the Scout group and martial arts. However, not to the detriment of their own family!

So he gets home from coaching /training then gets in to bed, eats dinner (that I assume you have cooked) in bed then plays xbox in the bed you are also trying to sleep in?? Unbelievable! It sounds like your DD and you are the bottom of his priority list, I'm sad to say. How do you feel? Do you want to stick around and put up with this, or cut your losses and move out so you aren't just waiting in on him coming home and being a massive dick?!

Peoplemakemesigh · 12/10/2025 20:34

He's got main character syndrome. Everyone else is nothing but an accessory to his life. You existing in the background, there when he feels like engaging so he isn't lonely, is enough for him. He couldn't care less what you want. If course he's "easy-going", show me someone who isn't when they're getting everything their own way!

Well, I know what I'd do. Stop having sex with him. When he eventually wants to know why, tell him it's because you feel unloved, unwanted and as if you're just a toy that sits on the shelf that he takes down to play with for 5mins now and then before putting it back again. Say you feel like you're housemates, not partners. And you don't sleep with your housemates.

Also get yourself some hobbies where you'll meet people who do actually want to spend time with you. 3 days a week, including one weekend day if he has a weekend hobby too, 2 nights a week if there's no weekends involved. One of your "hobbies" should actually be doing whatever the fuck you want, so you've that gap available if anyone you get to know wants to meet up one-to-one, taking the friendship outside the hobby group.

If all he wants from this relationship is co-parenting but separated and living in the same house, then accept it and lean into it instead of feeling sad about it. When you've emotionally detached it'll feel easier. Once DD is a little older, if you'd find working and childcare as a single parent impossible (or when you've met someone else and decided you want to explore the possibility of a relationship with them), then get divorced at a later date.

happysinglemama · 12/10/2025 20:29

That 'married life' sounds the loneliest. You will be better off separated!

TheCosyViewer · 12/10/2025 20:21

It sounds as if he doesn’t really want to be in a relationship or have the responsibility that comes with being a parent. It sounds as you’d be happier without him and in time you could meet someone who respects and values you.

SunnyDolly · 12/10/2025 20:20

He’s spending 2 hours (!) smoking and playing x-box? Is he 19???

Jollyhockeystickss · 12/10/2025 20:20

He goes boxing everyday but doesnt shower or brush his teeth AND YOU ARE STILL THERE!!! He really really really doesnt like you its like he couldnt make it any more obvious , yuck

Mumptynumpty · 12/10/2025 20:19

You're not in a marriage. You're a service human.

You've tried to negotiate with him but it's back to where it was. He doesn't care a fig for you, your child or for you and him and the LO as a family unit.

Move on.

Missj25 · 12/10/2025 20:16

Stepz · 12/10/2025 19:59

His hobby is boxing. He takes on loads of responsibility and now he mentors younger people there. He will say class finishes at 9, and then sometimes waltz in at 10. He will say he was chatting to new members. I find it a complete disregard for me to be honest. it caused a lot of arguments, but it never resolves.

I have my own hobbies. I go to the gym before work (6am) and then come back and go to work. I will see my friends once every 2 weeks.

My issue is that the marriage itself just feels like 2 housemates. He’s lazy - showers infrequently, no teeth brushing, eats his dinner in bed, plays Xbox.

so it’s:
9pm (ish) - home
930 - smoking outside
1030 - bed and dinner
1030-12 - Xbox

Op , I’m sorry but your husband gives me the ick 🙈..
No teeth brushing , showers infrequently 🤮, eats his dinner in bed , like ffs !!!
Games , is lazy ..
Can you see this guy changing ???
From what you’ve written , I can’t being honest ..
Was he always like this and what age are you both ?

Straightjacketsandroses · 12/10/2025 20:15

IMO marriage should be like your best mate who you fancy loads. My husband is the person I most want to spend time with (along with my kids, but he’s more consistent in not winding me up 🤣). Our weeks look a little like this:

Both work full time; our evenings are a mixture of maybe one of us working late, maybe neither, kids hobbies, gym if either of us fancies it

Friday nights are for sports (we do ours together; children have a lesson), then a nice dinner and usually a film and a glass of wine. Bed at the same time and not usually too late as there’s football for both kids the next morning;

Saturdays / Sundays are either housework or trips out (swimming, walks, national trust etc). Sometimes we’ll go to the pub for a pint after a walk as a family. Saturday nights are pizza and film with the children, then we plan a nice dinner, cook together and share a bottle of wine with a film.

We don’t go out a lot separately (occasionally we do) but our favourite night out would be the pub or a restaurant together. We prioritise this every few months but don’t leave the children much as we’re quite happy in the house in the evenings!

WallaceinAnderland · 12/10/2025 20:10

Why on earth are you continuing in this 'relationship' OP?

MincePiesAndStilton · 12/10/2025 20:07

Do you love this man? If yes, read him the riot act. Time to buck up his ideas. If no, time to go. You don’t want your daughter to learn that this is what a healthy relationship looks like.

Original poster
Stepz · 12/10/2025 19:59

His hobby is boxing. He takes on loads of responsibility and now he mentors younger people there. He will say class finishes at 9, and then sometimes waltz in at 10. He will say he was chatting to new members. I find it a complete disregard for me to be honest. it caused a lot of arguments, but it never resolves.

I have my own hobbies. I go to the gym before work (6am) and then come back and go to work. I will see my friends once every 2 weeks.

My issue is that the marriage itself just feels like 2 housemates. He’s lazy - showers infrequently, no teeth brushing, eats his dinner in bed, plays Xbox.

so it’s:
9pm (ish) - home
930 - smoking outside
1030 - bed and dinner
1030-12 - Xbox

OP posts:
Windmill34 · 12/10/2025 19:57

I think you need to sit him down for a chat
tell him you didn’t think married life would be like this
him not coming home till 9pm m-f when everything been done
no x-box in the bedroom any longer. You shouldn’t have to wear earplugs in your own bedroom
A date night - pay babysitter or mum

Mymanyellow · 12/10/2025 19:57

I wouldn’t be begging him to spend time together if he doesn’t want to then fuck him. Find someone who does. There is no way in this world I’d be sleeping in headphones on so a grown man can play on his fucking x box.

Plugsocketrocket · 12/10/2025 19:53

He is behaving poorly. You are being gaslit that this is ok, it is not. You need to figure out what you can do to change this dynamic for you because it is very unlikely that he will want to change it, why would it. It is a great life for him.

Missj25 · 12/10/2025 19:44

Stepz · 12/10/2025 15:42

I’ve been with my DH for 3 years. DD is 2. He’s very laid back and chilled and I’m more neurotic I think!

We obviously spend a lot of time together, and we’ve never spent a night apart (we joke that we would find this very hard). We both work in the week, and he has hobbies nearly every day after work. He usually comes home about 9, we eat and go to bed. I have already put DD at this point.

at the weekends, we will do stuff with DD. She goes to bed at 7. Usually he will then go on his gaming until midnight. If I say I want to spend time with him he says “we’re always together” - but I I mean doing something! Not just sitting in the same room. He then begrudgingly will say “well let’s watch a film then”. He will fall asleep whilst watching it.

Whenever I say I want to do something, even just a hike whilst DD is at mums, he’ll say “we got the rest of our lives together what’s the rush!”

weve had a conversation before that his hobbies take up a lot of time and he reduced this to 2 times a week, but this has now gone back to 5 times a week. I feel like I can’t tell him to spend more time with me!

today he’s taken DD to his hobby to “watch” him. I’m unwell in bed so couldn’t go. He left at 9 and I spoke to him at 10, but now his phone is going to voicemail.

I feel like I’m always asking for time or communication from him. I don’t think there’s anyone else but I feel like he just doesn’t even think of me

Hey OP 👋..
Thats definitely not married life , out every evening 5 days a week at his hobbies !!! , he should want to be there for some family time with you & his daughter , he should want to see her after being gone all day to work ..
Gaming until midnight, ah come on what age is he 🙄….
I would definitely be sitting down with him if he was my husband..
Show him this thread x

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