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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and expecting too much? Is this just married life?

209 replies

Stepz · 12/10/2025 15:42

I’ve been with my DH for 3 years. DD is 2. He’s very laid back and chilled and I’m more neurotic I think!

We obviously spend a lot of time together, and we’ve never spent a night apart (we joke that we would find this very hard). We both work in the week, and he has hobbies nearly every day after work. He usually comes home about 9, we eat and go to bed. I have already put DD at this point.

at the weekends, we will do stuff with DD. She goes to bed at 7. Usually he will then go on his gaming until midnight. If I say I want to spend time with him he says “we’re always together” - but I I mean doing something! Not just sitting in the same room. He then begrudgingly will say “well let’s watch a film then”. He will fall asleep whilst watching it.

Whenever I say I want to do something, even just a hike whilst DD is at mums, he’ll say “we got the rest of our lives together what’s the rush!”

weve had a conversation before that his hobbies take up a lot of time and he reduced this to 2 times a week, but this has now gone back to 5 times a week. I feel like I can’t tell him to spend more time with me!

today he’s taken DD to his hobby to “watch” him. I’m unwell in bed so couldn’t go. He left at 9 and I spoke to him at 10, but now his phone is going to voicemail.

I feel like I’m always asking for time or communication from him. I don’t think there’s anyone else but I feel like he just doesn’t even think of me

OP posts:
Missj25 · 12/10/2025 23:10

WallaceinAnderland · 12/10/2025 22:15

I think he would be different with someone else. Someone he really likes and is motivated to spend time with.

You give me the ick & I’m sure all the other posters on here aswel 🤮..

He doesn’t brush his teeth & has bad personal hygiene, that’s nothing got to do with anyone other than himself !!
He has a daughter that he never comes home to in the evening …
He smokes outside for an hour every evening…

Or is that you’re jealous for some insane reason of OP , a good mom , up & in gym every morning for 6am , who is a slim size 8 , looks after herself …
A catch by all accounts to good, decent attractive men …

WatchingTheDetective · 12/10/2025 22:56

In what way is he a good father? Raise your standards!

Summerbay23 · 12/10/2025 22:50

I’m so sorry to say this but you really would be better off without him. Aside from your relationship does he not want to spend any time with his child?? Bath time, bedtime, playing? Sharing a meal or tv?

And the low hygiene and gaming all the time would be a dealbreaker. Does he help with housework, cooking, shopping, DIY?

I think you need to start planning quite a few evenings out and see if he steps up.

ChaliceinWonderland · 12/10/2025 22:42

Headphones wow, you need to go out every other evening, he needsvto be a parent!!! Come on . . .

Pepperedpickles · 12/10/2025 22:40

I find it strange that you even want to have sex with him. Have a word with yourself. He’s no catch.

Hohumdedum · 12/10/2025 22:37

Is it normal? Well it doesn't matter, it's not working for you. DH and I have hobbies and don't see each other in the evening at least four days a week but it's equal and works for us. But if it was only him going out to hobbies every night whilst I was stuck at home, I wouldn't be happy at all. I know someone who divorced her DH because he did similar when they had a newborn.

It sounds like you need a hobby/evening off a week, plus clear conversation about the lack of quality time. And what exactly counts as quality time. Could you manage a date night once a week? Or find a hobby together?

Incidentally, friend who divorced was quite highly strung and her DH was laid back too. This ended up with her not trusting her DH to parent because he didn't do it exactly her way, and that also caused a lot of problems. He didn't want to do anything proactive because she'd criticise him or swoop in. It may not be the case for you but maybe worth watching out for?

Happy9 · 12/10/2025 22:37

He's not doing right by your daughter, and if Yr doing all childcare and working you'd find life much easier and could do what u want in a evening on your own, it took me till I left my ex partner for him to do good by our child suddenly he had to be daddy all evening and weekend once a per two weeks and I got to goout and have my own life also xx if u a lone parent u will get childcare and uc top up get out now

Missj25 · 12/10/2025 22:22

Stepz · 12/10/2025 21:27

Whenever I say anything like “we don’t do anything” - he says it’s because I never ask. I can’t remember the last time we had a date night. Largely because he spends all his money on gaming or his hobby.

He wasn’t always like this but has been on and off since I knew him.

I mentioned to him last year that we were having sex less often than we usually did/id like and he said “well why’s it always on me to initiate sex? I can’t remember the last time you were seductive.”

That was horrendous. Even now he’ll tire himself out with gaming or boxing and then will not initiate anything. I’ve stopped bothering.

I’ve tried, but as others have said, I can’t force him to spend time with me. I can’t force him to brush his teeth, shower, have sex or organise dates.

Sex is always on his terms. Usually a quickie in the morning.

I’m fed up. I’m 28. I try hard to stay in shape, look nice. I lost all the baby weight very soon after birth and was back in size 8 clothes. I spend time on my appearance, get my hair done, skin care. I just don’t walk around in lingerie, mainly because he’s always on his fucking Xbox. He makes me feel so unattractive.

I do love him. He’s a good dad. But he makes me so frustrated. I even start to question whether I’m being unfair to him because he works and then does a hobby - is that really so bad? But to me, it feels like an order of

  1. boxing
  2. gaming
  3. dd
  4. me

(of course, DD should be above me! But she should be 1 and me 2)

I’m sorry OP & i’m saying this really kindly , he’s not a good dad or husband to you ..
Not coming home in the evening choosing to go to his hobby 5 days a week , His whole hygiene thing is disgusting, eating his dinner in bed , gaming like a teenager…
You on the other hand sound 👌..
You’re a good mom , up & in gym at 6 am , out the door to work then , home to your daughter & dinner time , putting her to bed , you look after yourself as you’ve said ..
You’re way too good for him OP …
And trust me it’s not you , you have to know this ..
He will be like this with no matter who he is with , this is him I’m afraid ..
Please stop selling yourself short ..
You’re still lovely & young to find someone you are matched too ❤️

Heylittlesongbird · 12/10/2025 22:19

And, appreciate I'm adding here, but the only time anyone would get a pass from me for not keeping up with personal hygiene is if they were struggling from depression, which I don't think he is. He just doesn't give a fuck.

Heylittlesongbird · 12/10/2025 22:16

You say "I do love him", can I ask why?

Because I'm genuinely not seeing what's in it for you.

WallaceinAnderland · 12/10/2025 22:15

I think he would be different with someone else. Someone he really likes and is motivated to spend time with.

Missj25 · 12/10/2025 22:13

WallaceinAnderland · 12/10/2025 21:30

You don't need to tell us any more about him OP, we get it. He doesn't really like you or want to spend time with you or his child.

But what are you going to do about it?

How do you mean “ we get it , he doesn’t really like you “ ? You don’t sound at all nice or helpful..
It’s irrelevant who this guy is with , he will be the very same person , this is who he is , it’s not like if he were with someone else he would be different..
It’s zero reflection on OP , she’s far, far too good for him !

TimeForTeaAndG · 12/10/2025 22:10

OP, you are 28. You've been with him since you were early 20s and you could live another 60 years!

Why have you not thrown the Xbox out the bedroom, at least (I'm fully on team ltb with this one but baby steps). He's living like he's in a flat share with no responsibilities. Gaming while you try to sleep is rude and selfish. Eating dinner in bed is rude and selfish. Staying out 5 nights a week is rude and selfish.

He is not a good dad, he might as well not live there and he'd probably see DD more often with a contact agreement! Good dads don't treat the mother of their children like shit.

Want more for yourself than this immature waste of space.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/10/2025 22:04

* I even start to question whether I’m being unfair to him because he works and then does a hobby - is that really so bad? ‘*

it seems op that you have absolutely no clue that a decent marriage is one where both the man and woman see themselves as equals. Perhaps you were never modelled a decent marriage when you were younger.

you are second guessing yourself that he’s not that bad above. Ok. Let’s break this down. What would happen if you behaved exactly the same way he does. So. You go to work, straight from work to a hobby, home at 10, eating a dinner that’s cooked for you, you then ignore the person that has facilitated your previous 4 hours of fun, to smoke for an hour, then selfishly game in bed keeping the other person awake. In the morning you fancy a shag so you do that with rotting teeth and stinky unshowered body with no thought to what your partner wants. What would his response be op if you behaved like that? What would your house look like? Who is looking after your dd?

yes op, it is really really bad.

longtompot · 12/10/2025 21:58

I would not stay with someone who had poor hygiene, played Xbox in bed whilst I was trying to sleep next to them, and did everything they could to spend time away from me and our child.
I would get things in order so I could leave with my child. This is no life for either of you and I am pretty sure you will be so much happier without him.

KylieKangaroo · 12/10/2025 21:52

It sounds like you are basically a single parent to be honest. You're too young to settle for this life in my opinion.

spicycats · 12/10/2025 21:47

He’s not a ‘good dad’. He’s a shit dad, a shit husband and a complete loser. Kick him out.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/10/2025 21:38

‘He’s a good dad.’

this is exactly what I mean will happen to your dd. I read your post after I posted mine.

he is not a good dad. He is a shit dad who is never there and treats his wife like a servant.

what was your upbringing like op? What qualities are you thinking make him a good dad?

arethereanyleftatall · 12/10/2025 21:35

I’m not sure what you want people to say op.

your husband is a complete loser. He isn’t going to change.

recognise that, then work out how to get the best life for you and your dd from this point forwards.

continuing like this will be utterly miserable, get worse and worse, and worst of all disastrous for your own dd leaving her clueless as to what a proper decent marriage is. You run the risk of her meeting a revolting bloke like your husband, and having to ask strangers if it’s normal to not be remotely involved in your child and wife’s life.

so how to get the best life.

your best option if it’s available to you, is to divorce.

if it’s not available to you, then check out emotionally of this relationship, take equal time for yourself, do nothing for him in terms of cooking etc

WallaceinAnderland · 12/10/2025 21:30

You don't need to tell us any more about him OP, we get it. He doesn't really like you or want to spend time with you or his child.

But what are you going to do about it?

Shamesame · 12/10/2025 21:30

If I were you I’d be desperate to spend a night apart from him.

A smoking gamer with poor personal hygiene? What a catch.

Original poster
Stepz · 12/10/2025 21:27

Whenever I say anything like “we don’t do anything” - he says it’s because I never ask. I can’t remember the last time we had a date night. Largely because he spends all his money on gaming or his hobby.

He wasn’t always like this but has been on and off since I knew him.

I mentioned to him last year that we were having sex less often than we usually did/id like and he said “well why’s it always on me to initiate sex? I can’t remember the last time you were seductive.”

That was horrendous. Even now he’ll tire himself out with gaming or boxing and then will not initiate anything. I’ve stopped bothering.

I’ve tried, but as others have said, I can’t force him to spend time with me. I can’t force him to brush his teeth, shower, have sex or organise dates.

Sex is always on his terms. Usually a quickie in the morning.

I’m fed up. I’m 28. I try hard to stay in shape, look nice. I lost all the baby weight very soon after birth and was back in size 8 clothes. I spend time on my appearance, get my hair done, skin care. I just don’t walk around in lingerie, mainly because he’s always on his fucking Xbox. He makes me feel so unattractive.

I do love him. He’s a good dad. But he makes me so frustrated. I even start to question whether I’m being unfair to him because he works and then does a hobby - is that really so bad? But to me, it feels like an order of

  1. boxing
  2. gaming
  3. dd
  4. me

(of course, DD should be above me! But she should be 1 and me 2)

OP posts:
PuppyKeep · 12/10/2025 21:15

How old are you both?

EllieQ · 12/10/2025 21:06

SunnyDolly · 12/10/2025 20:20

He’s spending 2 hours (!) smoking and playing x-box? Is he 19???

I’d guess he’s smoking weed, not just cigarettes. Poor hygiene , eating dinner in bed, gaming in bed… Grim. Was he always like this @Stepz ?

My DH used to play computer games a lot, but not at the expense of time with me and also not in our bedroom while I was trying to sleep! However, as we got older, he spent less time gaming, and he agreed that once we had DC, gaming would not be a priority (and he has stuck to this!).

TheSpiceoflife2day · 12/10/2025 21:01

Find a hobby that you can do in the evening or some evening exercise

He stays in with child