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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and expecting too much? Is this just married life?

209 replies

Stepz · 12/10/2025 15:42

I’ve been with my DH for 3 years. DD is 2. He’s very laid back and chilled and I’m more neurotic I think!

We obviously spend a lot of time together, and we’ve never spent a night apart (we joke that we would find this very hard). We both work in the week, and he has hobbies nearly every day after work. He usually comes home about 9, we eat and go to bed. I have already put DD at this point.

at the weekends, we will do stuff with DD. She goes to bed at 7. Usually he will then go on his gaming until midnight. If I say I want to spend time with him he says “we’re always together” - but I I mean doing something! Not just sitting in the same room. He then begrudgingly will say “well let’s watch a film then”. He will fall asleep whilst watching it.

Whenever I say I want to do something, even just a hike whilst DD is at mums, he’ll say “we got the rest of our lives together what’s the rush!”

weve had a conversation before that his hobbies take up a lot of time and he reduced this to 2 times a week, but this has now gone back to 5 times a week. I feel like I can’t tell him to spend more time with me!

today he’s taken DD to his hobby to “watch” him. I’m unwell in bed so couldn’t go. He left at 9 and I spoke to him at 10, but now his phone is going to voicemail.

I feel like I’m always asking for time or communication from him. I don’t think there’s anyone else but I feel like he just doesn’t even think of me

OP posts:
Comtesse · 14/10/2025 10:31

He is NOT a good dad - does your child even see him on week days??
Playing xbox in bed til midnight when you’re up at 6am - bloody hell you’re a tolerant woman to put up with that crap.

Redragtoabull · 14/10/2025 10:22

You've married a selfish prick who doesn't see you. A strong and firm conversation is needed.
A grown arsed man playing on his x-box would be an x who can fuck off, so bloody immature. Give him as much time as he's giving you and the rest of that 99.9% energy put into you and raising your baby. This man has checked out so match that energy with him

vickylou78 · 14/10/2025 09:02

What childcare does he do? How often dies he cook your DD tea and eat with her? How often dies he put her to bed? Doesn't sound 50/50 to me?

NewYearSameMe16 · 13/10/2025 19:05

There are two main problems with a lot of men in this day and age; they want wives but they don’t actually want to be husbands and they marry women they don’t really like.

OP, only you know if there’s value in this man and this marriage and if you think there is, I’d be looking to get into marriage counselling ASAP so you have a space where you can express your needs and maybe you can find out if there’s something deeper behind his behaviour.

I think you have to make sure you’re super clear and firm about what’s acceptable (example suggestions);

  • His hobby is twice a week and he must be home for family dinner and DD’s bed time the other days.
  • Gaming is max one hour, three times a week and not in the bedroom
  • Weekly date nights; can be low key staying in to watch a series or an event/dinner/joint hobby (you can make it fun and take it in turns to plan and surprise the other).

Just some suggestions but he has to want to be an active husband and father, you can’t make this marriage work alone.

Parker231 · 13/10/2025 18:27

Stepz · 12/10/2025 21:27

Whenever I say anything like “we don’t do anything” - he says it’s because I never ask. I can’t remember the last time we had a date night. Largely because he spends all his money on gaming or his hobby.

He wasn’t always like this but has been on and off since I knew him.

I mentioned to him last year that we were having sex less often than we usually did/id like and he said “well why’s it always on me to initiate sex? I can’t remember the last time you were seductive.”

That was horrendous. Even now he’ll tire himself out with gaming or boxing and then will not initiate anything. I’ve stopped bothering.

I’ve tried, but as others have said, I can’t force him to spend time with me. I can’t force him to brush his teeth, shower, have sex or organise dates.

Sex is always on his terms. Usually a quickie in the morning.

I’m fed up. I’m 28. I try hard to stay in shape, look nice. I lost all the baby weight very soon after birth and was back in size 8 clothes. I spend time on my appearance, get my hair done, skin care. I just don’t walk around in lingerie, mainly because he’s always on his fucking Xbox. He makes me feel so unattractive.

I do love him. He’s a good dad. But he makes me so frustrated. I even start to question whether I’m being unfair to him because he works and then does a hobby - is that really so bad? But to me, it feels like an order of

  1. boxing
  2. gaming
  3. dd
  4. me

(of course, DD should be above me! But she should be 1 and me 2)

What has he done to demonstrate he loves you and is a good dad?

knor · 13/10/2025 18:20

Wow sounds like a hard time OP. Getting home every night at 9pm is not right! As someone else said, doesn’t he want to see your child? So you’re always solo parenting too. When’s the time for your hobbies?
I think it’s normal in marriage to be busy separately once or perhaps twice a week max but purely because I don’t get why he doesn’t want to come home and spend time together.
do you feel happy? Does he do other stuff really well? The gaming thing would annoy me too. Almost feels like you’re not together?
think you need to seriously speak to him OP. Share how you feel and put boundaries in.

PlacidPenelope · 13/10/2025 10:01

I do love him.

Why? What is there to love about him? He is not playing more than a fleeting part in your day to day life, he is unhygenic, doesn't want to spend time with you, doesn't want a good fulfilling sex life for both of you, spends all of his money on hobbies for him. He's a crap husband and life partner, do you really want this to be your life for the next 60 years plus? You only get one shot at life, @Stepz don't waste it on him.

He’s a good dad.

No, he is as crap a dad as he is a husband. A good dad would be rushing home to spend time with his child/children, be wanting to be fully involved with them, want to play a full part in their life, be interested in them. He is none of these things, boxing and gaming is more important and interesting to him.

Do yourself and your child a big favour and dump this waste of space and carve out a much better, fulfilling life for you and your child.

PoppyFleur · 13/10/2025 08:55

Stepz · 12/10/2025 21:27

Whenever I say anything like “we don’t do anything” - he says it’s because I never ask. I can’t remember the last time we had a date night. Largely because he spends all his money on gaming or his hobby.

He wasn’t always like this but has been on and off since I knew him.

I mentioned to him last year that we were having sex less often than we usually did/id like and he said “well why’s it always on me to initiate sex? I can’t remember the last time you were seductive.”

That was horrendous. Even now he’ll tire himself out with gaming or boxing and then will not initiate anything. I’ve stopped bothering.

I’ve tried, but as others have said, I can’t force him to spend time with me. I can’t force him to brush his teeth, shower, have sex or organise dates.

Sex is always on his terms. Usually a quickie in the morning.

I’m fed up. I’m 28. I try hard to stay in shape, look nice. I lost all the baby weight very soon after birth and was back in size 8 clothes. I spend time on my appearance, get my hair done, skin care. I just don’t walk around in lingerie, mainly because he’s always on his fucking Xbox. He makes me feel so unattractive.

I do love him. He’s a good dad. But he makes me so frustrated. I even start to question whether I’m being unfair to him because he works and then does a hobby - is that really so bad? But to me, it feels like an order of

  1. boxing
  2. gaming
  3. dd
  4. me

(of course, DD should be above me! But she should be 1 and me 2)

You sound lovely but so lonely. You have taken a really brave step in posting and seeking guidance. Firstly, before even attempting to speak with DH take some time to reflect on your feelings for him. Do you love him? Is he someone who loves, respects and understands you? Has he changed since DD came along or has he always been like this? Is this someone you could see yourself with for the next 10, 20, 40 years?

Since having DD his life has barely changed and it appears he has no desire to change it. For you to have more of his time, either to spend it with you or to look after DD whilst you pursue your own interests, this will eat into his current rather selfish interests. That’s the problem with equality, for you to be equal (or a bit more equitable) he has to lose some of his privilege.

Decide whether you want to spend your life with this man, what that life looks like and then tell him things need to change. Disrespect erodes love, he needs to understand how much he has and how close he is to losing it.

Mumlaplomb · 13/10/2025 08:48

No it’s not nornal OP. The x box thing alone would drive me up the wall. I think it’s good to have a healthy hobby like boxing but not every weeknight when you have a child, that’s selfish. I think you may be fighting a losing battle with him if he thinks this is acceptable.

TheGoddessFrigg · 13/10/2025 08:42

WatchingTheDetective · 12/10/2025 22:56

In what way is he a good father? Raise your standards!

and WHEN??? He must only see his daughter at weekends- it is like he is divorced already

Pricelessadvice · 13/10/2025 08:37

Stepz · 12/10/2025 19:59

His hobby is boxing. He takes on loads of responsibility and now he mentors younger people there. He will say class finishes at 9, and then sometimes waltz in at 10. He will say he was chatting to new members. I find it a complete disregard for me to be honest. it caused a lot of arguments, but it never resolves.

I have my own hobbies. I go to the gym before work (6am) and then come back and go to work. I will see my friends once every 2 weeks.

My issue is that the marriage itself just feels like 2 housemates. He’s lazy - showers infrequently, no teeth brushing, eats his dinner in bed, plays Xbox.

so it’s:
9pm (ish) - home
930 - smoking outside
1030 - bed and dinner
1030-12 - Xbox

He sounds gorgeous…. 🙄

Swiftie1878 · 13/10/2025 08:34

Stepz · 12/10/2025 21:27

Whenever I say anything like “we don’t do anything” - he says it’s because I never ask. I can’t remember the last time we had a date night. Largely because he spends all his money on gaming or his hobby.

He wasn’t always like this but has been on and off since I knew him.

I mentioned to him last year that we were having sex less often than we usually did/id like and he said “well why’s it always on me to initiate sex? I can’t remember the last time you were seductive.”

That was horrendous. Even now he’ll tire himself out with gaming or boxing and then will not initiate anything. I’ve stopped bothering.

I’ve tried, but as others have said, I can’t force him to spend time with me. I can’t force him to brush his teeth, shower, have sex or organise dates.

Sex is always on his terms. Usually a quickie in the morning.

I’m fed up. I’m 28. I try hard to stay in shape, look nice. I lost all the baby weight very soon after birth and was back in size 8 clothes. I spend time on my appearance, get my hair done, skin care. I just don’t walk around in lingerie, mainly because he’s always on his fucking Xbox. He makes me feel so unattractive.

I do love him. He’s a good dad. But he makes me so frustrated. I even start to question whether I’m being unfair to him because he works and then does a hobby - is that really so bad? But to me, it feels like an order of

  1. boxing
  2. gaming
  3. dd
  4. me

(of course, DD should be above me! But she should be 1 and me 2)

What do you have in common?
What did you do together BEFORE your DD arrived?

MaurineWayBack · 13/10/2025 08:33

@Stepz as you said yourself he is a crap partner who puts you right at the bottom of the pile.

But please don’t try and convince yourself he is a good father.
He isn’t. A good father doesn’t miss all the bedtimes or seeing his dc in the evening. ‘Spending g time with his dd at the WE’ is not Enough. Esp as I suspect you organise it all, keep tabs on her and generally are the one responsible for her care (like eating, naps etc etc)

SALaw · 13/10/2025 08:28

In what way is he a good dad when by choice he doesn’t see her after work at all during the week? At what point in the relationship did he decide to stop showering much or BRUSHING HIS TEETH?! Never mind making you wear headphones as he games while you try to sleep? This is just awful.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 13/10/2025 08:28

He's not a good dad is he? He is actively choosing to spend the vast majority of time away from your daughter. And when he is around he isn't doing his share of the basics of care for her (all the chores and organising etc). A good dad is an equal parent not a fun only parent who plays with their kid at weekends but leaves all the drudge work to someone else.

Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

Missj25 · 13/10/2025 08:20

WallaceinAnderland · 12/10/2025 23:52

I doubt he was like this when they were dating or OP would not have married him. He can step up when he wants to. He just doesn't want to. For whatever reason, he doesn't think OP is worth it. He shrugs off her concerns. He really, really doesn't care about her. If he liked her he would make the effort to spend time with her.

I love the way you ignore that he doesn’t come home in the evening to see his daughter , he needs to be with someone he likes so he will brush his teeth then & shower , you sound so ridiculous 😂..
Oh yeah if he meets someone he likes he might stop eating his dinner in bed 🙄

1619andalliswell · 13/10/2025 08:19

I kept mine @Tyddento but he does occasionally accuse me of being too influenced by MN when I assert myself. It’s all bollox - I know it and he knows it!

Tyddento · 13/10/2025 08:03

1619andalliswell · 12/10/2025 16:23

I had one like this until I made it clear it wasn’t reasonable. We’ve been fine since.

Me too.

He decided that I was getting too "women's libbish" and found another mug female who wasn't going to expect too much from him.

We got along just fine after he'd gone

Planesmistakenforstars · 13/10/2025 08:01

He’s a good dad.

When??
9pm (ish) - home
930 - smoking outside
1030 - bed and dinner
1030-12 - Xbox

Oh, at weekends, when you've done all the parenting all the week. That kind of "good dad." And he is not a good dad if he is treating you with complete disregard. How you treat the other parent is a really important part of being a good parent yourself. He is a loser.

Plus he boxes and doesn't shower much? What a disgusting little toad. AND:

"Sex is always on his terms. Usually a quickie in the morning."

Fucking grim. Why oh why would you put up with this farm animal as a partner.

CompoCompoComp · 13/10/2025 07:53

He’s avoiding parenting a young child because it can be a bit dull!
When do you get time to yourself? DP and I both had an evening or 2 a week to so what we wanted ( gym, see a friend, hobby) while the other came home and looked after the kids, did dinner, bed, bath etc
your DP is having a laugh

MO0N · 13/10/2025 07:50

I suggest you start çmatching his energy' as they say, i.e prioritize your own hobbies, put him at the bottom of your list. Whatever he does to you, do it back to him.

RememberBeKindWithKaren · 13/10/2025 07:46

He's not really much of a dad to your kids, is he? I'd want my children to have a dad..and for that reason..... I'm out.

Foolsgold74 · 13/10/2025 06:58

On top of everything else, who does all the cooking, cleaning and life admin?

RampantIvy · 13/10/2025 06:44

Heylittlesongbird · 12/10/2025 22:16

You say "I do love him", can I ask why?

Because I'm genuinely not seeing what's in it for you.

@Stepz you don't love him. You love what you want him to be. And he is a shit dad.

You can't change him. He does what he wants when he wants, takes you for granted and is happy with the status quo.

He doesn't value you. I would work out an escape plan and stop doing things for him.

He won't improve.

WallaceinAnderland · 12/10/2025 23:52

I doubt he was like this when they were dating or OP would not have married him. He can step up when he wants to. He just doesn't want to. For whatever reason, he doesn't think OP is worth it. He shrugs off her concerns. He really, really doesn't care about her. If he liked her he would make the effort to spend time with her.