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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to have asked for space?

111 replies

Pullman88 · 12/10/2025 08:25

I don't get a lot of time to myself, barely ever in fact. I work full time in a very demanding job and also share two young DC with DH. DH often works weekends so I don't get a break then either.

I found myself yesterday with a surprise couple of hours to myself when my parents offered to take our DC for some lunch with my aunt who was visiting them. I was offered to go but I'd had a headache and honestly just fancied the time alone.

It really is quite rare for me to just be able to get on the sofa and watch something just for me with a brew and relax, not be in mum or wife mode.

DSS is with us the majority of the time, he is 15. He's a good kid, we aren't massively close but we get along ok. He isn't a talker so to be totally honest even after 9 years I still find it a little awkward being around him without DH there. I find it hard work being alone with him because he just doesn't speak so you end up sat in silence or having to work to get anything out of him. It's not just me he is like this with, he's the same with all of his family.

These days he tends to prefer being out with friends or in his room. So even though DSS was there it still felt like I had some alone time.

However, I got about 10 minutes into watching a programme and DSS came downstairs and just lay on the other sofa scrolling on his phone. Now in normal circumstances I would not have a problem with this. Every now and then he does make an appearance downstairs when DC are here and he'll sit downstairs with us for a bit. But I just wanted this time alone, I didn't want to sit feeling awkward or have to turn off my programme (not something I'd really feel comfortable watching with a 15 year old boy).

So I ended up asking if he was alright, did he need anything? He said he was fine and no so I asked, politely, if he'd mind just letting me have a bit of time to be alone while DC were gone. He got up and left.

I did feel a little bad and I did mention it to DH later so he could check there wasn't anything up with DSS. DH now thinks it was mean to send DSS away.

Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
xxxwd · 12/10/2025 08:40

You asked him to leave a communal area in his home? Despite the fact he wasn’t actually causing any bother.

Poor kid!

Theoldbird · 12/10/2025 08:39

I've asked my own dc for space when I've been overwhelmed so I don't see anything wrong with this. I don't understand why women are never expected to want to be unavailable to everyone all the time. posters saying, maybe he wanted 1 on 1 time or a bit of connection with op etc. It's no bad thing for a 15 year old to learn that adults sometimes need and want some time to themselves

Coconutter24 · 12/10/2025 08:39

Yes it was mean to send a child away, he obviously came down because he wanted the company otherwise he’d of just stayed in his room. Regardless of if he doesn’t talk a lot he is still a child. You say he was sat scrolling through his phone, I’d of just laid there watching my programme whilst he looked at his phone. It’s not like he’s being loud or demanding of your time or anything

Trickabrick · 12/10/2025 08:37

I totally 100% get why you did that but there’s a very good chance he could take that as a rebuff. Maybe think about what you could do to connect more with him on a more 1-2-1 basis.

Wallywobbles · 12/10/2025 08:36

I’m with you on this one. I absolutely hate DSS just hanging out in a space with me. If we are working on a task together it’s not an issue.
not sure if it’s the same with my kids mostly because they never just lie on the sofa.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 12/10/2025 08:33

Oof. I think you could ask this of your husband but not a 15yo DSS.

44PumpLane · 12/10/2025 08:33

Absolutely fine (though if it happens again maybe don't say you want some alone time, say you want to watch X that is not appropriate for him to watch).

Everyone needs some alone time sometimes and it sounds like it's a super rarity for you

AphroditesSeashell · 12/10/2025 08:31

Tricky one. Maybe DSS was using the time when the other DC were away to get some 1-2-1 time with you. Teenagers are weird; they dont always want to talk, but just being closeby is their idea of spending time together. So, he might have taken a punt and got short shrift. He's probably thinking "I won't be doing that again".

On the other hand, you are a person aswell as a mother and you are entitled to some alone time. In usual MN style, I think you have a DH problem. If his son is coming to the home, husband should be there to spend time with him. He can't leave you to do the majority of the caring for your shared children and DSS...then give you attitude because you seeked out a couple hours of quiet time in a way that didnt meet his standards.

Autisticburnouthell · 12/10/2025 08:31

He probably just wanted some connection. It will have been awkard for him too but it may have been just been in the room eith you was enough for him. Next time ask him for some TV programme recommendations. It feels odd that you’ve lived with a person for many years and don’t have a connection with them.

ILikeBigBookssandIcannotlie · 12/10/2025 08:30

On the one hand I absolutely understand your that absolute desperate wish for some space, and how it can actually start to deeply affect mental health.

On the other hand, it's his home too and I think this possibly needed handling a bit more thoughtfully

Drowningincokezero · 12/10/2025 08:29

No I don't think you were BU. You're the adult and your already started your activity. Plus it doesn't sound like it was appropriate for his age nor something he wanted to watch himself. Id have done the same

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