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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to have asked for space?

111 replies

Pullman88 · 12/10/2025 08:25

I don't get a lot of time to myself, barely ever in fact. I work full time in a very demanding job and also share two young DC with DH. DH often works weekends so I don't get a break then either.

I found myself yesterday with a surprise couple of hours to myself when my parents offered to take our DC for some lunch with my aunt who was visiting them. I was offered to go but I'd had a headache and honestly just fancied the time alone.

It really is quite rare for me to just be able to get on the sofa and watch something just for me with a brew and relax, not be in mum or wife mode.

DSS is with us the majority of the time, he is 15. He's a good kid, we aren't massively close but we get along ok. He isn't a talker so to be totally honest even after 9 years I still find it a little awkward being around him without DH there. I find it hard work being alone with him because he just doesn't speak so you end up sat in silence or having to work to get anything out of him. It's not just me he is like this with, he's the same with all of his family.

These days he tends to prefer being out with friends or in his room. So even though DSS was there it still felt like I had some alone time.

However, I got about 10 minutes into watching a programme and DSS came downstairs and just lay on the other sofa scrolling on his phone. Now in normal circumstances I would not have a problem with this. Every now and then he does make an appearance downstairs when DC are here and he'll sit downstairs with us for a bit. But I just wanted this time alone, I didn't want to sit feeling awkward or have to turn off my programme (not something I'd really feel comfortable watching with a 15 year old boy).

So I ended up asking if he was alright, did he need anything? He said he was fine and no so I asked, politely, if he'd mind just letting me have a bit of time to be alone while DC were gone. He got up and left.

I did feel a little bad and I did mention it to DH later so he could check there wasn't anything up with DSS. DH now thinks it was mean to send DSS away.

Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
Dunnocantthinkofone · 12/10/2025 09:19

And that's probably partly me too because I'm used to my family who like to talk, I'm not used to awkward silence

when your own children get to be teenagers, they too (if boys) will likely go through a silent, awkward phase. It’s completely and utterly normal behaviour due to age, self consciousness and hormones. It is not a character flaw or even much of an indicator of how his personality will be as an adult!

Titasaducksarse · 12/10/2025 09:18

To you he may have just been sitting in silence but he sought you out for company, just to be in the same room and you then told him to go away.
You say in your post it's awkward when your husband isn't there...no shit as you've just burnt a huge bridge this child was trying to build with you.

SeriousShirley · 12/10/2025 09:11

Oh for goodness sake. What is with women like this, who are happy to shack up with, and procreate, with men who already have children - and then seemingly just tolerate said child.
So what he's not as outgoing as others in your family. Is he not allowed to be himself?

Poor kid who's own mum cannot cope, a dad who left and started a new family, and now not allowed to dare sit in the same room as his stepmother because she wants alone time. He wasn't bothering OP by talking, or demanding time - just purely existing and laying on the sofa. Doesn't anyone in that house consider him? Or he should be grateful because his clothes are put on the radiator.

Makemineacosmo · 12/10/2025 09:10

Boys his age are often full of bravado and pretend like they don't care about much at all, but I would guess that he is pretty hurt by this. I think most people would be to be honest.

NellieElephantine · 12/10/2025 09:10

JMSA · 12/10/2025 08:59

This. You should have taken yourself off to your own room.

Show quote history

This, honestly some posters absolute disregard for their step childish awful.
Thinking of the poster with the 17 yo dss whoeee** doesn't even have a bed or bedroom, and her abject horror he was in 'OUR family' living room, making it clear he wasn't included in the OUR family. #legoshrinegate

Whaleandsnail6 · 12/10/2025 08:59

I think you were unreasonable to feel like you would have to make awkward conversations.... having the tv on is perfect to watch quietly in silence.

I feel a bit sorry for him. You wouldn't have asked your own kids to leave the room (as you were so happy to have the tv to yourself , sounds like you wouldn't have watched TV if other kids were there and would have had them in communal area) Your house is dss main home so I don't think it would have hirt to swotch the tv programme if it really was inappropriate and spent a little time together

JMSA · 12/10/2025 08:59

MumoftwoNC · 12/10/2025 08:49

I think if you want alone time you should go to your bedroom rather than shoo your SS from the living room.

Now he'll feel like the living room is somewhere he isn't automatically entitled to be in, ie unwelcome in his own home.

If I were him I'd stop going to your house and spend all my time at my mum's.

This. You should have taken yourself off to your own room.

DrowningInSyrup · 12/10/2025 08:57

Step children really seem to suffer, I worry for my daughter, especially now she has a baby brother.

Maybe ask if he wants to go to the cinema, he doesn't have to talk there and it will mean a lot to him after this rejection. I'm sorry you feel so awkward around him, and it's totally understandable you want some alone time though.

Original poster
Pullman88 · 12/10/2025 08:55

He's been with us nearing full time for about 4 and a half years now. He does see his mum but not a huge amount and he chooses not to stay overnight there pretty much all of the time, I don't really want to go into the whys on here in case it's recognised. She isn't a bad mum at all but she has a lot of things going on which made it difficult for her to care for him.

So while I don't feel super close to DSS, I do try my best, I'm the one who takes him to the bus stop each morning for school, puts out his uniform on the radiator in the morning, buys his favourite foods when shopping and so on... I'm not a completely cold and uncaring step mother. I just struggle with his personality to feel totally comfortable around him on my own. And that's probably partly me too because I'm used to my family who like to talk, I'm not used to awkward silence and feel the need to fill it. So when he's there without DH to fill the gap or little DC, it feels like either hard work trying to force conversation or awkward sitting there not speaking.

OP posts:
Jellybunny56 · 12/10/2025 08:54

I think you’ve been really quite cruel here. Fair enough if he was in your bedroom but you were sat in a communal area in his home, totally not acceptable to send him away.

NellieElephantine · 12/10/2025 08:53

MumoftwoNC · 12/10/2025 08:49

I think if you want alone time you should go to your bedroom rather than shoo your SS from the living room.

Now he'll feel like the living room is somewhere he isn't automatically entitled to be in, ie unwelcome in his own home.

If I were him I'd stop going to your house and spend all my time at my mum's.

This, honestly some posters absolute disregard for their step childish awful.
Thinking of the poster with the 17 yo dss who doesn't even have a bed or bedroom, and her abject horror he was in 'OUR family' living room, making it clear he wasn't included in the OUR family. #legoshrinegate

Makemineacosmo · 12/10/2025 08:53

Sorry, but although I understand that you wanted space, and I really do understand that, the poor lad would have felt shit about that.

I think that was a really crappy thing to do.

Dunnocantthinkofone · 12/10/2025 08:52

Honestly, I think you were really mean to him. Unintentionally I know, but still mean

Shrewsbury247 · 12/10/2025 08:51

Totally understand your point of view but I also feel sad for your SS.
it’s his home too and he obviously felt content to come down and chill with you, which I think is very endearing, says something about how he views the relationship with you.
Would you have said this to DD if he came into the room or could you see yourself saying this to your own DC when they’re older.
I do get that we all need time alone to decompress.

LaChouette · 12/10/2025 08:51

CopperWhite · 12/10/2025 08:46

Poor kid. He came and tried to have a bit of connection with you and was rejected.

It’s not his fault his Dad works weekends and had more kids, forcing him into a step family. Your reasons for wanting time alone are valid, but nothing to do with your step son. He didn’t ask to be left with someone who isn’t his parent.

Agreed.
And there is no need to force conversation while watching TV. He wanted company and maybe feels he rarely gets adult time without annoying younger half siblings around.

DaisyChain505 · 12/10/2025 08:50

I totally get where you’re coming from but also see that it was a big deal for him to come and sit with you knowing it was just you two in the house. He didn’t have to do that but he chose to and he’s now probably feeling really rejected.

Maybe offer him to chance to go and do something one on one. Maybe watch something at the cinema, go mini golfing, go out for a quick bite somewhere you know he likes.

MumoftwoNC · 12/10/2025 08:49

I think if you want alone time you should go to your bedroom rather than shoo your SS from the living room.

Now he'll feel like the living room is somewhere he isn't automatically entitled to be in, ie unwelcome in his own home.

If I were him I'd stop going to your house and spend all my time at my mum's.

dammit88 · 12/10/2025 08:49

Honestly this was hugely unreasonable. The poor boy. He has feelings too. I can understand wanting to be alone but your actions were really wrong here.

ILikeBigBookssandIcannotlie · 12/10/2025 08:48

CopperWhite · 12/10/2025 08:46

Poor kid. He came and tried to have a bit of connection with you and was rejected.

It’s not his fault his Dad works weekends and had more kids, forcing him into a step family. Your reasons for wanting time alone are valid, but nothing to do with your step son. He didn’t ask to be left with someone who isn’t his parent.

I agree his dad sounds like he doesn't prioritise him at all

Mine refuse to go to their dad's house if he is isn't actually there now.
What are the contact arrangements @Pullman88 and why aren't they changed to reflect dad's work patterns?

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/10/2025 08:47

I can see where you were coming from. You were feeling unwell and overwhelmed. However, I’d now check in on your dss. Maybe he needed connection and has a lot going on for him too. At the end of the day, he doesn’t have a choice to be in the situation he found himself in with a stepmum, who you don’t feel very close to, 2 younger siblings in the household and a dad, who’s often absent over the weekend. That could be a lot for a 15 year old to deal with if he’s not got an outlet… does he have an outlet?

It sounds as if he just wanted to be there. Could you have approached it something like: ‘Dan I’m feeling unwell and watching something I’m not that comfortable watching with you. I’m just going to focus on the tv. I hope you’re ok.’ And then basically ignore him. If he was absorbed in his phone he may not even have been aware of the programme or of you beyond your presence.

Maybe that’s the conversation to have with him today?

CopperWhite · 12/10/2025 08:46

Poor kid. He came and tried to have a bit of connection with you and was rejected.

It’s not his fault his Dad works weekends and had more kids, forcing him into a step family. Your reasons for wanting time alone are valid, but nothing to do with your step son. He didn’t ask to be left with someone who isn’t his parent.

Trickabrick · 12/10/2025 08:45

Pullman88 · 12/10/2025 08:42

I do see what PPs are saying, that perhaps he was using the time without DC for 121 time. I think I just wasn't in the space to give it right then, I needed the time myself to just be. The thought of instead spending my rare sliver of me time trying to eek out some sort of conversation from DSS or just sitting there awkwardly in silence was too much at that time.

You could say you can watch TV while he lies there but for me, it just doesn't feel the same as being alone.

And I think that’s fine and valid to feel that way, your feelings count too in the house and being a step parent isn’t easy. No judgement at all! In your shoes, I’d think about what other opportunities you have to bond with him given you say he’s with you a lot of the time.

Eenameenadeeka · 12/10/2025 08:44

I don't think YABU to want time to yourself but I do think you should not have asked him to leave a shared space. I think you should have left to your room or a walk or whatever.

Original poster
Pullman88 · 12/10/2025 08:44

xxxwd · 12/10/2025 08:40

You asked him to leave a communal area in his home? Despite the fact he wasn’t actually causing any bother.

Poor kid!

We do have other communal areas in the house with sofa / TV. I did consider getting up and moving rooms but I didn't know if that would have been worse if he'd have followed me and I'd then have had to say can I just be alone please.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pullman88 · 12/10/2025 08:42

I do see what PPs are saying, that perhaps he was using the time without DC for 121 time. I think I just wasn't in the space to give it right then, I needed the time myself to just be. The thought of instead spending my rare sliver of me time trying to eek out some sort of conversation from DSS or just sitting there awkwardly in silence was too much at that time.

You could say you can watch TV while he lies there but for me, it just doesn't feel the same as being alone.

OP posts:
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