AIBU to have asked for space?

Hmm I totally get why you felt the way you do and understand for your desire to be alone but I do think you were being a little unreasonable tbh. I always go with the rule that the living room is the family room and you can’t unilaterally decide you want alone time in the family room. If YOU want to be alone and not be disrupted then I think you should have gone to YOUR room. Lay on the bed and read a book, watch something if you have a TV in your room. Maybe be different if he was being loud and your trying to watch something but It sounds like he wasn’t really bothering you just sitting quietly on his phone in the family room, which I think he’s entitled to use as a member of the family.

The reason why posters have had this reaction isn’t because the thread was started about a non-biological child but because of this description:

He isn't a talker so to be totally honest even after 9 years I still find it a little awkward being around him without DH there. I find it hard work being alone with him because he just doesn't speak so you end up sat in silence or having to work to get anything out of him.

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Why not take it as an opportunity to build a better relationship with him and next time it’s just the two of you tell him how much you appreciated his being so understanding of your needing to have time alone on the rare time without the younger children. So nice to have a more mature boy you could say these things to

By sending your SS away from the living room, you signalled that you own/control that space, and he doesn't. You're telling him that he is a guest, in your space, everywhere in the house. He has no automatic right to be anywhere.

Whereas if you'd retreated to your bedroom (and asked him not to come in, if applicable) that would have sent a completely different and much better message.

Your bedroom is your space, that you have control over. The living room should be everyone's space to share, with equal importance, that everyone in the household has a right to be in.

This might sound weirdly theoretical but children do think this way.

I have been a step daughter (well my Dad has had various consecutive partners).

As a teen I've also had to stay with host families as I was an international boarder.

It is an AWFUL feeling to be staying somewhere where you are unwelcome in the communal spaces.

If you needed space you should have been the one to leave. Sending the kid away was a really shitty thing to do.

He may have wanted 1 on 1 time with you. He may have wanted to open up to you. If he's lived with you on and off for 4 years its a shame you don't feel a connection. I'd have a sit down chat with him and explain it was you feeling like you needed some alone time and nothing to do with him. Otherwise he'll carry this with him for a long time, I'd also make more of an effort to be a more caring stepmom.

I don’t think YABU.

I live alone with my own ds who is now 21. Sometimes I sit in the lounge alone and watch tv and if he wants to watch something in the lounge he’ll ask if he can put something on and sometimes I’ll go to the kitchen or my room. Sometimes we’ll sit together.

Time alone is important for everyone.

Aw I think you should message him and say sorry you had a splitting headache and didn’t mean to be rude, you don’t want him to feel he can’t come near you in future. With my own kids that I have a good relationship with I could tell them quite bluntly to leave me alone but I think it is different with a step kid.

Ooof. I’d has gone to my own room rather than ask anyone to leave me alone.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. You were getting a rare moments of alone time. You work full time, your husband works weekends, you have 3 kids around constantly.

If I were you, I would schedule some alone time weekly, especially since you get nearly zero.

I think your husband needs to step up with his son.

For me, its not that she didn't want to spend time with him (or her own kids)..its that she asked him to leave a communal area of the home.

For an awkward teen, who isn't related to her, but has to have this as his home due to the set up, that feels unwelcoming and hurtful. He chose that moment to come to a communal area, when his little siblings or dad were not around, and was asked to leave. Can you not see how that might feel to a teen?

I think op got this wrong and it wouldn't hurt to have switched tv programme and watched tv together.

YANBU, I've said similar to my own children before.

Sometimes I just want some time alone. And it not be while I'm sitting down waiting for the kettle to boil, or while I'm doing some other mundane chore which is when it tends to be.

I suspect that's a telling comment about a step child though. Funny how it's not "telling" that OP wanted to spend time without her own children but the second it's a non-related child it shows how she really feels.

Children have their own time and their own rooms. Adults wanting the same for a couple of hours is not wrong. And it would seem that the DH is getting offended on behalf of his child here - pray, why wasn't daddy spending time with his child if it's that important to him?

(Yes I assume he was working but still).

Yeah. You've said enough in this first post to make it clear that you have negative feelings towards DSS in my view.

I totally agree that OP needs to make some kind of friendly reaching out to her SS, to make up for this.

The problem is that SS will almost definitely decline. He doesn't want to have an awkward cafe outing with his step mum. He just wanted to sit in companionable silence in front of the TV with her.

The best thing for op to do (in my opinion) is to engineer another situation where dh takes the younger ones out, and invite SS into the living room to watch The Traitors or something.

I totally understand why you did this... I would now speak to him and explain how grateful you were that you could talk to him like an adult and say you needed some alone time, adding not all of my mum friends can do this, and I know that on occasion the sound of me or your dad breathing will drive you up the wal, and I will have your back when that happens... then, maybe offer a coffee or a burger out sometime during the week, just the two of you.

@Pullman88

If you were to split up with DH - and let’s face it it, there’s a 42% chance it will (well, 42% of marriages in the UK are ending in divorce - how would you feel when your now awkward teenage children are told by your ex’s partner that essentially they’re not welcome to sit in the same room as her?

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and what a way to send a message to an awkward teenager that he’s not welcome in his own home (or that it’s not even his home)

I do think it’s important you get time to yourself.

Does DH spend any time with any of the kids? When are his days off?

I think if you can say to your own kids to play in their room for a bit for a bit of peace then it’s ok to say to DSS as well.

I probably would have said I’m watching a programme for adults so would appreciate some time alone and then you’ll call him down later.

Nothing wrong with wanting time to yourself and i think you should sit down with your DH and work out how to carve some regular time alone going forward. But you should have said you were watching something that was not appropriate for him. That would have been less harsh.

Also your need to fill every silence is a YOU problem. Just because you find silence awkward doesnt mean everyone else does or they should have to work at filling the silence for you. I'd find you hard work in the same way you find your step son hard work.

I totally understand wanting time to yourself and that someone sitting there with you, even if they aren't bothering you isn't the same

But I think it's not ok to tell a family member to buzz off when you're in a communal living area.

My kids are younger but if either of us want time alone, we go to our bedroom

I totally understand you wanting time to yourself but a 15 yr old who doesn't normally hang out with you choosing to sit by you when everyone else is out screams of a teen reaching out.

they're like toddlers & always pick the moment you are most needing peace to need you!

Despite the fact you don't feel close to him you've been a constant presence in his life plus he probably sees your relationship with your kids & finds that missing from his life.

Your DH probably needs to give you a night off a week, so you aren’t burnt out by the weekend.

I think if you’d explained that with 2 younger children you really needed some time completely alone and wanted to watch TV, there’s no reason for it to cause any upset - and although your DH is saying you were mean I can’t see anything to say that the DSS was bothered by it.

At 15 I think it’s fine for kids to know that being a parent can be exhausting and you’re entitled to some space.

2 hours isn’t much - either as down time for you or for the DSS to be asked to leave you be.

Maybe in passing just mention to him that you’re grateful he let you be as you really needed that break.

Wait, does your husband work seven days a week?
You are either at work or solely in charge of DC including his. What’s he doing?