AIBU to have asked for space?

No one is saying that the OP shouldn't have solo time, including her husband. He hasn't asked her to spend 121 time with her stepson either.

All anyone is saying is that if you really want solo time, you should go to a non-communal area of the house for it. And if someone joins you in a communal area, you don't get to tell them to bugger off.

If you want solo time in the house, go to your bedroom or office and shut the door. That's it really.

Agree with crappy comments. A very selfish thing to do.

Yanbu for wanting to be alone.
Yabu for asking him to leave a communal space in his own house.

Its not about how you felt, it's about how you acted on your feelings. It's a territorial move and its controlling.

If you want alone time, go to your own private space.

Poor kid, he now feels unwanted and in the way in his own house.

If the son was demanding her attention I would be sympathetic to this view.

but he was literally minding his own business, looking at his own screen, in the family room with her. Making no noise, asking for nothing.

He wasn’t taking her time or energy at all.

That’s a separate answer actually. She could have said it differently although I don’t think it’s unreasonable to tell a child you need some space. My response is about her dh. You have a busy mum full time parenting and he works weekends too so she’s parenting non stop including his older son. That’s a tough schedule mentally, and her parents facilitated her getting a tiny bit of time, it wasn’t her husband facilitating, but then his son came in and would have taken up the time and she rejected that. he’s not recognising her position - he’s expecting her to be perfectly on for the kids 24/7. He can find the time to check in on his son and also to give her a break and maybe once he’s done a tiny bit of the home load then he can criticise.

This is a real leap.

there are a lot of possibilities for alone time that don’t involve telling a teenage step child that his silent presence isn’t welcome in a communal family room.

no one is saying that OP doesn’t need alone time. I think they are saying she went about it in the wrong way.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all. I sometimes ask my own kids to vacate the living room if I’m watching something unsuitable. They have their own spaces in their rooms with everything they need and spend the majority of their time with me so I don’t feel guilty asking. Don’t overthink it. You’re entitled to time to yourself in your home.

If your dh wants you to fit 121 time with his son into your day he can enable you to have a tiny sliver of time on your own first so you have some headspace. Tell him that, and how dare he assume you have no right to any time solo ever, it’s a good husbands job to support you.

oof. Poor little guy. He sounds socially awkward and didn’t need this.

I totally 100% get why you wanted to be alone and why you felt you deserved this alone time with your show. I still never would have put this on a teenager who is probably quite sensitive.

it would have been better to say the show wasn’t age appropriate and could he veg out upstairs until it was over. But to tell him you didn’t want to be around him is quite brutal IMO.

I agree with this. YABU.

You have now quite possibly made him feel unwelcome in his own home, which is a pretty unpleasant thing to do. It could well be interpreted as you making it clear this is YOUR home and he is merely allowed to be there. Teenagers in general, and teenage boys in particular, can be quite sensitive but not want to show it- so they can appear nonchalant or as though they don’t care, when in fact they are quite hurt or upset.

I am not trying to be harsh towards you- but I think you also know that you didn’t do the right thing, deep down, or you would not have brought it up with your DH or on here. You would not have given it another thought. I think you wanted your Dh to reassure you that what you did was fine so you could stop feeling bad about it, and when he said he thought you got it wrong, you have now come on here to seek the same reassurance. I’m sure you’ll get some people saying you are right to ask him to leave as you need time to yourself. I agree that you are entitled to some time to yourself- and that it was disappointing that the plans you had were interrupted- but I think if the “time to yourself” has to be alone (rather than doing what you want, even if other people are around) then you to do that in your own private area within the house and not in a communal space. I would never ask everyone to leave communal spaces because I want some peace and quiet- if I need that, I go to my room or my study- or out of the house completely if that is suitable for what I want to do. If I’m watching something and they are being noisy, I’ll ask them to be quiet or leave, but that’s not the same thing.

This boy is the child of the man you supposedly love. He is as deserving of a loving family environment as your DC. It is clear from the way you talk about him that you tolerate him, even though you do some “caring” things for him, that you would rather he was not living with you. The things you mention are all fairly superficial and some of it (taking him to the bus, for instance) you actually do to help your DH with his parental duties. Would you say that looking after or fulfilling parental duties for your children is being doing “to be kind to them”? He is not your child, but he is a child living in his family home and should be treated as such. He is not a guest. That said, your DH is more to blame as he should not have blended families before he was sure it would be good for his son, and that his intended partner was able to be a positive part of his child’s life.

The awkwardness you describe when you are with him is as much down to you as it is him- why is his quietness the issue, rather than your need for easy chatter? And i think it is more on you than him that even after 9 years you haven’t found a way to build some rapport, to the point you feel awkward unless someone else is there. He was 6 when you met him, and you could not find any way to bridge that gap, even a little bit, in all this time? I’m not saying you make an effort to be actively cruel or are outrightly hostile, because I don’t think you do- but you do sound rather indifferent and unintentionally unkind towards him. Which is not a pleasant environment for a child to grow up in. And he does not even have a stable home with mum to retreat to either. I feel quite sorry for him, really. I’m sure you’ll say he is fine, happy, no significant issues- but if the way you write about him is an indication of how you feel and your attitude towards him, then he will pick up on it even if he doesn’t let you or his Dad see it.

On a more general point, I will never understand why on earth adults choose to enter a relationship, and then move in with and marry a partner with a child if you don’t want to be a part of the child’s life in anything but a superficial way? And certainly don’t want really want them around much. Even if your SS did not live with his father when you met, or when you decided to enter a committed relationship, or even when you got married, you must have realised that it was always possible that he might want (or have) to live with his Dad at some point in the future. I feel sorry for some stepchildren- they have no choice in the family they become blended into, are expected just to get on with it, rather than them being the primary focus.

Still not as bad as telling a step kid they aren't welcome in communal areas of their dad's house.

Some of these responses are ridiculous. OP, it's not unreasonable to politely ask someone to let you be alone when you really need it, yes even a child! It sounds like that couple of hours was absolutely precious to you and that you thoroughly needed it. God forbid the "poor child" went back to his room, where he apparently spends most of his time anyway. It sounds like he was fine with it - it's a non issue.
He's old enough to understand, so if you're worried he was hurt by it there's no reason you can't go chat to him and clarify that it was about you, not him. The suggestion of a cinema trip from a PP sounds good as another way of spending time with him / showing him you want to spend time with him without needing to make awkward conversation.

Yes you’ve openly admitted he’s a good kid but after 8 years or so it can be awkward and then he voluntarily comes and lays down in the same room as you. I’d take that as a breakthrough and instead of being unkind and selfish I’d of enjoyed that fact he finally felt comfortable in your solo company! I feel really sorry for that kid.

What were you watching that was so inappropriate for his age? Tbh if the tv programme was that awkward he probably would have left the room anyway! I think you were very rude, I feel sorry for him.

You seem really cold towards him. Shouldn't he be allowed to sit downstairs too and feel at home? Would you have said the same if it was your own child? Especially without the younger child there. If you wanted space you could have gone to your room for a lie down.

After 9 years you still feel awkward around him. Nine years! I find that a bit odd.

Honestly that sounds really horrible. He wasn’t making any noise or demanding anything of you and you basically couldn’t bare his presence! You could have gone to your bedroom and said you were going for a lie down or something instead of being really cruel to a child. Imagine how you’d feel if your husband’s next wife does the same to your child.

I wouldn’t have sent him away and it does sound mean. Your husband should be giving you some down time though by watching the kids so you can have some alone time.

You’re getting a hard time OP. You made a mistake. It’s not the end of the world as long as you apologise and explain that you weren’t feeling great.

If your parents are ok with babysitting maybe they can do it a bit more often at weekends, so you get regular breaks. Just a thought, given your DH works weekends.

I don’t think you were unreasonable to want some time alone, I do think the way that you went about it could have been better. You did literally send him away after all. And he wasn’t doing anything wrong and had every right to be there.

😬
Thinking back to myself at that age, and I would have been quite hurt at being asked to leave. There was no need to engage in conversation with him if he was happily scrolling on his phone quietly. Surely you could have said hi and then continued to watch with him there? Considering you have a stiff relationship already, I don't think this has done you any favours in regard to improving it. I can't imagine he is oblivious to the fact you are not overly enamoured with him.
I'd go and explain personally. Say you are sorry if you came across as rude, you were feeling unwell.

Surely that's worse? Poor kid walks in, sits down, and step mum leaves the room and doesn't come back down?

Well that went as expected then 🙄
OP comes in looking for sympathy…..and runs away when she gets told she’s in the wrong by the majority

Awful. Sometimes as the adult you just have to suck stuff up, and this was one of those times.

Totally agree. If you’re watching tv, someone doesn’t get to come in and disrupt, but he was basically told “sorry but your mere silent presence is bothering me”