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Original poster

DH and his friend

59 replies

Zui78 · 11/10/2025 20:44

My DH has developed a close and intense friendship with his work colleague. Their work situation sounds stressful, but he stays in touch with her frequently. At each work drama, he’s on call to her, or he tells me how she helped him, or he’s helped her. They text a lot, and I saw some texts, nothing remotely odd, but they seemed too intense. I saw a text from him to her at 6 am. Is this normal?

OP posts:
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SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 12/10/2025 07:29

It's funny how these kind of "special friendships" are never between a DH and some unfuckable coworker....
it's never Steve who is kind and funny but 6st overweight with terrible halitosis...
Or with Janet who is 1 year off retirement and loves cooking, her labradorite and her grandchildren and is like the aunt he never had....

Its an emotional affair at the very minimum

Silverbirchleaf · 12/10/2025 07:22

BauhausOfEliott · 12/10/2025 00:42

How else is he meant to offload a bit of work stress, then? He needs someone to talk about that sort of thing with, if you don’t understand and don’t want to try. I understand why you’re twitchy but you’ve seen their messages and found nothing untoward.

I don’t think a text at 6am between friends, even work friends, is a problem in itself. Some people just message whenever they think of something, not expecting an immediate reply.

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You are very naive. My husband talks to
me when he wants to offload . This is precisely how emotional (and then physical affairs) start.

BauhausOfEliott · 12/10/2025 00:42

Zui78 · 11/10/2025 21:46

Their work is very stressful, and I don’t get it, nor do I have the patience to listen to it constantly. They are there for each other, but I am not 100% happy. He’s overly concerned about her.

How else is he meant to offload a bit of work stress, then? He needs someone to talk about that sort of thing with, if you don’t understand and don’t want to try. I understand why you’re twitchy but you’ve seen their messages and found nothing untoward.

I don’t think a text at 6am between friends, even work friends, is a problem in itself. Some people just message whenever they think of something, not expecting an immediate reply.

Jewel52 · 12/10/2025 00:41

MolliciousIntent · 11/10/2025 22:28

I think the fact that he's not on the phone to her at weekends kinda proves that this is a work support thing.

Honestly OP I think you're being a bit ridiculous here, is this the first time he's had a female friend?!

Not remotely ridiculous. You, on the other hand are naive. The reality is that most affairs start at work and they begin with emotional involvement. The op is perfectly reasonable to be keeping this on her radar

GingerPaste · 12/10/2025 00:20

It all sounds a bit much to me. Is she in a relationship or single?

Can you negotiate a time limit with him so it doesn’t entirely encroach on YOUR WHOLE LIFE?

I’m not surprised you’re pissed off - but you need to have a conversation with him, even just to judge his reaction about the whole thing.

And what’s his job? Is it life or death material or something else?

Silverbirchleaf · 12/10/2025 00:19

Zempy · 11/10/2025 22:11

Sounds like an emotional affair to me.

Yes.

redonion2 · 12/10/2025 00:16

Marriage means nothing (when you say she’s married).

This is a bit like an emotional affair imo- regardless how he is with you/ the kids I think you need to meet her!

Kimura · 11/10/2025 23:59

Zui78 · 11/10/2025 21:46

Their work is very stressful, and I don’t get it, nor do I have the patience to listen to it constantly. They are there for each other, but I am not 100% happy. He’s overly concerned about her.

So he has a very stressful job, and you don't have the patience to listen to him vent about it. As a result, he's venting to a colleague who's in the same situation.

Who else is he supposed to talk to?

Of course it's also possible that something is developing between them, but you say there was nothing inappropriate in their messages.

Be honest - If this colleague was male, would you feel the same way?

Onemoreagainforluck · 11/10/2025 23:57

LondonPapa · 11/10/2025 22:55

Depends. I know both men and women in very senior positions working as they’re at the gym at 5-6am, between sets I guess. There’s one guy I know who literally does his morning 5K while on a work call to his PA. Admittedly the last guy is pretty much the second most important after CEO at this firm and it’s his head of office but it isn’t as unusual as others would make out.

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Yes but OP's H isn't at the gym working out.

PlanningOnRunningAway · 11/10/2025 23:45

This might be nothing at the moment, but it is exactly how emotional affairs begin. You aren't comfortable with it because your gut is telling you this isn't right.

Original poster
Zui78 · 11/10/2025 23:43

Tink3rbell30 · 11/10/2025 23:15

This is a story as old as time.. let me guess. She is younger, attractive and single. These men never ever seem to suddenly be best buddies with 50 year old Mandy who has a muffin top.

I have not seen her. She’s married.

OP posts:
StaryNight1 · 11/10/2025 23:24

I had this same problem. I complained to him, and so he went to her and told her what I said! Both of them anccused me of being jealous, immature, the lot. That made me more suspicious and I went back and found their relationship had gone too far before.
try to find out why he is using her for emotional support and if you can be there for him. Ask him if he married her or you. Then add that as you are his wife and try to find more ways to build closeness with him and connect with him. 🙂

Tink3rbell30 · 11/10/2025 23:15

This is a story as old as time.. let me guess. She is younger, attractive and single. These men never ever seem to suddenly be best buddies with 50 year old Mandy who has a muffin top.

Edenmum2 · 11/10/2025 23:09

Zui78 · 11/10/2025 22:15

I saw the messages - zero chance of an affair or anything like that. It’s all about discussing work, addressing issues, and supporting one another. It's also about reminding each other to take care of themselves. She’s even telling him to spend time with his family. He’s telling her, 'This shall pass.' Call me whenever you need to - I am always here. So I am conflicted.

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That doesn’t smack of ‘zero chance of affair’ to me

DrowningInSyrup · 11/10/2025 22:55

Zui78 · 11/10/2025 22:47

No, regular office hours.

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He is overstepping a bit isn't he. Do they ever do anything socially together? Or is it all just phone chat?

LondonPapa · 11/10/2025 22:55

Onemoreagainforluck · 11/10/2025 21:19

They are working colleagues. There is no way it could be considered appropriate for him to be messaging this woman at 6 a.m.
It sounds as though they are emotionally too involved .
You really need to talk to him about boundaries OP .

Depends. I know both men and women in very senior positions working as they’re at the gym at 5-6am, between sets I guess. There’s one guy I know who literally does his morning 5K while on a work call to his PA. Admittedly the last guy is pretty much the second most important after CEO at this firm and it’s his head of office but it isn’t as unusual as others would make out.

Original poster
Zui78 · 11/10/2025 22:49

HannahSmyth90 · 11/10/2025 22:41

Depends , I would be worried if she was single , similar age , attractive etc . My husband was close to his assistant but she was a lesbian 30 years older than him .

I don't know what she looks like. She's younger.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zui78 · 11/10/2025 22:47

NoSoupForU · 11/10/2025 22:41

Are they working at 6am? If so, normal. If they're both still laid in bed, not normal.

No, regular office hours.

OP posts:
HannahSmyth90 · 11/10/2025 22:41

Depends , I would be worried if she was single , similar age , attractive etc . My husband was close to his assistant but she was a lesbian 30 years older than him .

NoSoupForU · 11/10/2025 22:41

Are they working at 6am? If so, normal. If they're both still laid in bed, not normal.

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 11/10/2025 22:41

Zui78 · 11/10/2025 22:39

He's a good husband and a great dad. His work is killing him, and being in the office all the time doesn't help his health. What I don’t like is seeing all those messages at 6 am, 7 am asking her if she’s at work today, asking if she’s ok, does she want a coffee, to look after herself, do call him anytime

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It does sound like he's a little too focused on her op. Does he give you that kind of effort?

Original poster
Zui78 · 11/10/2025 22:39

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 11/10/2025 22:30

Are you also getting that side of him? Laughter and jokes and offers of endless support?
If their closeness isn't taking anything away from you and you're comfortable with it then I'd simply suggest it's better to get ahead of these things and just tell him you'd be more comfortable if he was willing to keep family time protected, and whilst you're ok with their friendship you'd appreciate if he'd keep anything to personal out of their conversations (there's a great book called not just friends which explains why these boundaries are important to discuss proactively).
But If she's getting the fun and caring side of him, and you get the worn out husband who falls asleep next to you on the sofa and can't be bothered with the family- thats a bigger problem, whether their relationship is platonic or not.

Edited
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He's a good husband and a great dad. His work is killing him, and being in the office all the time doesn't help his health. What I don’t like is seeing all those messages at 6 am, 7 am asking her if she’s at work today, asking if she’s ok, does she want a coffee, to look after herself, do call him anytime

OP posts:
PurpleChrayn · 11/10/2025 22:36

Shagging.

Original poster
Zui78 · 11/10/2025 22:35

DrowningInSyrup · 11/10/2025 22:25

Wow, because he talks to a colleague about work stuff that is quite the leap!

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Yep. I agree.

OP posts:
Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 11/10/2025 22:30

Zui78 · 11/10/2025 22:24

Thank you. They have been friends for some time, and she has helped him a great deal. I can see that. As someone said above, their job is very stressful, and they found each other there. It just feels like he’s talking to her a lot, and there’s a lot of laughter and jokes too, and our kids are commenting on it. He openly tells me that I am on the phone with her. On the one hand, I am glad he found a supportive friend, but some things don’t add up, such as telling her to reach out anytime, even on weekends. To her credit, I don’t see them talking on the weekends.

Show quote history

Are you also getting that side of him? Laughter and jokes and offers of endless support?
If their closeness isn't taking anything away from you and you're comfortable with it then I'd simply suggest it's better to get ahead of these things and just tell him you'd be more comfortable if he was willing to keep family time protected, and whilst you're ok with their friendship you'd appreciate if he'd keep anything to personal out of their conversations (there's a great book called not just friends which explains why these boundaries are important to discuss proactively).
But If she's getting the fun and caring side of him, and you get the worn out husband who falls asleep next to you on the sofa and can't be bothered with the family- thats a bigger problem, whether their relationship is platonic or not.

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