Am I right to regret ever sleep walking into becoming my partners carer?

There is no will (it was going to be done when we moved here in 2023, but he quickly lost all mobility after that) the house will come to me, and by dying intestate, I assume the balance will be divided between our 2 sons, they both have far better jobs than we ever did and dont want for anything.

You need to see a solicitor. He needs a will and so do you.

Depending on the value of your house and his income/ savings you may be taxed with inheritance tax as it's only tax-free if the estate goes to a spouse.

You see, what's coming over is you are unwilling to compromise or in fact seek any solution to what's going on now.

There is no magic wand.

At best, he will have surgery, lose weight and change his behaviour so he has some sort of life without leaching off you 24/7.

I can't see that happening because he's not showing any signs of advocating for himself. He doesn't even have the decency to wash his poo off his hands.

So you have to make changes to make your life better.

I don't know if you earn, if you have savings, if you could rent a house while you sell the one you have or indeed if he would agree to that- you can't force a sale of a jointly owned house.

Have you had a talk with him where you have said you want to leave?
Does he understand the impact of his behaviour?

On another note, why have you never married? That would make it all much easier with the financial side where you'd get 50-50 as a starting point.

Refuses the use the CPAP as well?? How incredible selfish and just-well-he knows it'll help him too but won't use it?! CPAP is one of my husband's essentials and no way would he just not bother. For so many reasons. I feel for you even more since my first post 😔

Sorry- I thought upthread you said you were married.

Look, this is brutal, but have you got wills? If he dies first you could be left in a right old pickle with inheritance tax and goodness knows what else if he's not got a will naming you as his beneficiary.

Have you got all the financial stuff sorted? Are you named as a recipient of his occupational pension?

Are your children his?

I really feel for you here. I am my husband's carer following a stroke in 2021 and some other health issues caused by militaryservice. I juggle this with an intense job 30hrs, some WFH. However my husband always tries not to 'lean on me if it is something he can try and do himself with the right adaptation or guidance. I have to help with dressing/undressing, drying after shower which has been much easier since wet room installed and saved my back from permanent injury. Memory issues mean I must manage meds, monitoring of BP, paperwork,appointments etc but this is ok. Cooking and cleaning and gardening mainly me but he will do food prep sitting and planting in garden on special seat. I think it is down to their already-character, if that makes sense? Your partner needs to take some personal responsibility here. Some of his habits you describe and attitude are avoidable/unnecessary/unfair/unpleasant. I'm assuming you've had a carers assessment?

This

He doesn't sound independent enough for sheltered accommodation.

He can't wear pants or trousers, therefore he can't really go out.
It's not really appropriate for him to even answer the door to the Tesco man.

Really it sounds like he needs a care home.

This is such a sad situation, OP. You should not be expected to put up with this. His care needs are not being met if his toileting plan is you you to stick a bowl underneath him as he dribbles. If he is unable to wash after pooing. If he is unable to use incontinence pads and wear clothes.

If you refused to do the bowl thing, what would his care team put in place instead - there would have to be more frequent visits or some other use of pads.

His bedroom (I assume you don't share one) should not be out of bounds for the cleaner. I feel terribly sad for you but also for him if he is sleeping on urine and shit stained sheets.

If he will need extra care following surgery, is there a way to use that as him being in residential respite for a while afterwards rather than being discharged back home? Are there further adaptions to the house that would make it more possible for the 2 of you to live alongside one another separately? A 2nd accessible wetroom or something?

I don't think that you living in a shed in the garden without a kitchen or bathroom is a solution. But perhaps it could be a retreat for you while he has carer visits so that you don't have to cope with their increased presence?

I am so sorry, OP. What do your son's make of the situation? Are they able to do any of the pushing for a medical plan that your DH doesn't seem to be bothered with and which you are understandably at the end of your patience with this.

If you don’t separate, get a will sorted. There are will companies that do home visits.

So is your plan to try and outlast him? (No judgement; it's logical given the financial state of affairs. It's just a very hard option to live with.) If so, would it be easier to try to live separate lives? Keep up your own friendships, do whatever you need to for your own health; but stop doing anything at all for him.

Does the house have two full bathrooms (ie including both toilet and shower/bath in each)? If not, can you check to see if the local authority would help add another near whichever bedroom your partner is in, due to his mobility issues? Then you could keep at least have some respite in your clean bedroom and bathroom and leave him to his.

But that was my point, OP. As soon as it became larger and started impacting his ability to walk, he should have had it removed. He's now let this go on for years and refuses to do anything to help himself.

Is there a charity in your area that could help you? Specifically for women. There is this in Scotland https://swanscotland.org/about-us maybe they could point you to something in your area?

You don't have to move out of the area, just move away from him.

The question is, are you going to divorce him or are you looking for practical advice and ways you can stay together?

There is nothing to stop you getting a divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

I know your life is awful but it's coming across as a 'moan' where you're unwilling to do anything to change it.

Either you push like mad for his surgery and he changes his behaviour, or you divorce him.

You don't seem willing to accept that as an option.

I think you need to be the squeeky wheel, and tell your doctor you can no longer live with him, his self neglect is causing rat infestation and putting you in danger, you are vulnerable yourself. His toileting issues are a mental health problem, you don't have the physical strength to care for him.

Omg the leaving of shit is UNACCEPTABLE. He is capable of washing his hands. Do not accept that at the very least.

I think you should be selfish. And look out for yourself. Men never find themselves in this situation.

My husband would never act entitled like this if he were in a similar situation. My husband is amazing and as a result, I would give up absolutely everything to care for him.

In your situation… I would leave.

To be fair, the GP who saw it originally said it could be removed when it became an issue. It was about the size of a walnut then.

But it's been YEARS since then!

Losing more weight is going to extend this pannus, but the Drs have told him he has to loose weight, and finally he's believing them.

So is he still obese? How much does he weigh if he's lost 5 stones?