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Original poster

Am I right to regret ever sleep walking into becoming my partners carer?

308 replies

RakshaUK · 11/10/2025 20:17

It started with getting up in the early hours to help him put his socks on to go to work. Then he developed leg ulcers, so showers became a performance because the dressing on the ulcers couldn't get wet, so I had to help putting a waterproof sleeve over them.
Then, about 15 years ago he started to develop a lump in his groin, GP thought it was a lipoma, said it could be removed when it became a problem. About 5 years ago - 2020 it was limiting his mobility to such an extent he couldn't walk from his disabled parking space to his desk (they did look at moving his desk under reasonable adjustments but it wasn't thought to be reasonable because they IT dept needed to be able to communicate easily). So the week before we went into lockdown, he took early retirement!
Basically he sat in his chair all day, wouldn't do anything else, and complained that he was losing his mobility. I pointed out on an almost daily basis that if he didn't use it, he'd lose it. GP sent a lovely chap to try and motivate him, he'd agree to all the tasks, then not do anything about them.
He's been referred to 3 different surgeons with regard to the removal of the lump (which is now so big it hangs like a good sized pumpkin between his knees), one took a look at his belly, which hangs infront of it after losing about 5 stone, and declared it was a pannus not a lipoma!
We've since moved and our current surgery are trying to get a MultiDisciplinaryTeammeeting together, including him, and me to act as his advocate, since July! He's spent 4 weeks in hospital with cellulitis.
What is really getting to me is his attitude towards me. E seems to do as little as possible and leaves me to clear up after him.I'm not one of nature's nurses, I feel like a caged animal listening to his moans and cries, and of course he must feel worse...
So WHY WONT HE DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT?
Even his nurses say he's got to be a squeaky wheel and on the phone to the GP Surgery every day. He does nothing to help himself, or me. I'm 65, older than him, with my own mobility issues (I use a power chair outside if I have to), I'm also type 2 diabetic and recently diagnosed ADHD and Autistic. I also have many incidents of trauma in my life which haven't all been put to bed. His nurse today suggested he make me a cup of tea every day (I have a shower stool out there to sit on when I'm cooking or washing up that he could use) doing that would double his step count for the day!
He passes wind, and doesn't apologise. He leaves shitty finger prints every where (he will go to the toilet for poos, but doesn't wash his hands) Wees he has to do by standing up while I shove a washing up bowl underneath him (the lump means he sprays wee everywhere and dribbles if he's anywhere near wanting to go when he walks) He can't wear underwear or incontinence pads because of the lump, trousers are a thing of the past, so he has a blanket across his knees to hide everything.
I like our house, i like sharing it with my two dogs and two cats. I have just had it up to here with being his carer.

OP posts:
GirlonaCloud · 12/10/2025 12:10

RakshaUK · 12/10/2025 12:06

Change is one of the hardest things to deal with when you have ADHD/Autism.
He will change for a few days or weeks when I have a meltdown, but it doesn't last.
I stopped working in my mid 50s when what i know now as the double whammy of ADHD and menopause hit, alongside dealing with my youngest issues at school led to my second breakdown. I dont have savings to speak of, impulsive spending is the worst aspect of my ADHD. So renting somewhere else is out of the option.
Yes, I've had that talk, several times, he promises to change (and in fairness, he now showers occasionally and makes an attempt to keep his bottom half clean with adult wet wipes) but it slips back again normally. I can smell his bedroom again, which he claims it's the urine he decants from the bowl he keeps in his room for overnight use, he says he pours it into a screw top jug with some camping toilet solution, so I don't understand why it smells...
I think he realises I may leave, but relies on my dread of change to prevent me

We've never married because we haven't felt the need. We have both been married before so we're well aware that being married doesn't keep you together, but makes splitting up very messy. There's so little of any worth apart from the house in our lives now (apart from his collection of airfix models, his train collection and his Magic cards collection) . That would all go to the boys anyway.

Show quote history

I think you need to talk to a counsellor and decide where you go from here.(You can also get specialised counsellors or coaches who can help you navigate change with your ADHD.)

But please also talk to someone out the finances. You're refusing to engage with the reality of your partner dying intestate.

You asked if you're unreasonable. No, you're not.
But the point is- what do you actually want?

You appear to have used this thread to gain sympathy but not accept any advice that you get out of the relationship.

The odds are nothing will change so your choices are to accept this is your life, or do something to change it.

Why aren't your family in on all of this and helping?
Do they see their father at all?

violetpink · 12/10/2025 12:10

I’d leave. He’s disrespectful and disgusting and that is nothing to do with his health.
You sound so unhappy.
Life has got to be better than this.
Please leave.

Original poster
RakshaUK · 12/10/2025 12:06

GirlonaCloud · 12/10/2025 10:42

You see, what's coming over is you are unwilling to compromise or in fact seek any solution to what's going on now.

There is no magic wand.

At best, he will have surgery, lose weight and change his behaviour so he has some sort of life without leaching off you 24/7.

I can't see that happening because he's not showing any signs of advocating for himself. He doesn't even have the decency to wash his poo off his hands.

So you have to make changes to make your life better.

I don't know if you earn, if you have savings, if you could rent a house while you sell the one you have or indeed if he would agree to that- you can't force a sale of a jointly owned house.

Have you had a talk with him where you have said you want to leave?
Does he understand the impact of his behaviour?

On another note, why have you never married? That would make it all much easier with the financial side where you'd get 50-50 as a starting point.

Show quote history

Change is one of the hardest things to deal with when you have ADHD/Autism.
He will change for a few days or weeks when I have a meltdown, but it doesn't last.
I stopped working in my mid 50s when what i know now as the double whammy of ADHD and menopause hit, alongside dealing with my youngest issues at school led to my second breakdown. I dont have savings to speak of, impulsive spending is the worst aspect of my ADHD. So renting somewhere else is out of the option.
Yes, I've had that talk, several times, he promises to change (and in fairness, he now showers occasionally and makes an attempt to keep his bottom half clean with adult wet wipes) but it slips back again normally. I can smell his bedroom again, which he claims it's the urine he decants from the bowl he keeps in his room for overnight use, he says he pours it into a screw top jug with some camping toilet solution, so I don't understand why it smells...
I think he realises I may leave, but relies on my dread of change to prevent me

We've never married because we haven't felt the need. We have both been married before so we're well aware that being married doesn't keep you together, but makes splitting up very messy. There's so little of any worth apart from the house in our lives now (apart from his collection of airfix models, his train collection and his Magic cards collection) . That would all go to the boys anyway.

OP posts:
GirlonaCloud · 12/10/2025 12:00

RakshaUK · 12/10/2025 11:40

We dont have wills, the property is Joint Tennancy and yes, i have documentation for his Private Pension to pass to me.
The 2 youngest sons are his.

Show quote history

Kindly, I think you are underestimating the hassle you might face without him having a Will or your/his sons having POA.

Having had to manage 2 elderly parent's estates, with Wills and POA, I can assure you that everything needs documentation, from changing utility accounts to anything else that needs changing.

You can't just access his savings or any accounts by saying 'I'm his son' or 'I'm his partner'.

I'm not sure about whose sons are whose- Or are all 3 sons from your relationship with this man? Or is your older son yours from a previous relationship?

I'd implore you to talk to Age UK about the finances, take advice and don't assume you can simply access his money because you are his partner or because he has sons.

MO0N · 12/10/2025 11:44

I think this man has knowingly backed himself into a corner where the only satisfaction he gets out of life is via attempting to make his partner as wretched, miserable and disgusting as he is.

Original poster
RakshaUK · 12/10/2025 11:40

GirlonaCloud · 12/10/2025 10:38

Sorry- I thought upthread you said you were married.

Look, this is brutal, but have you got wills? If he dies first you could be left in a right old pickle with inheritance tax and goodness knows what else if he's not got a will naming you as his beneficiary.

Have you got all the financial stuff sorted? Are you named as a recipient of his occupational pension?

Are your children his?

Show quote history

We dont have wills, the property is Joint Tennancy and yes, i have documentation for his Private Pension to pass to me.
The 2 youngest sons are his.

OP posts:
MO0N · 12/10/2025 11:32

Just stop doing things for him, let nature take its course.
Problem solved.

softstone · 12/10/2025 11:20

OP would you miss him if you left him? How would your sons react?

GirlonaCloud · 12/10/2025 11:18

You say you think he has around £10K in an account.
With no will, you can't assume you or your sons can access this.
Unless they have PoA the money can't just be 'given' to them anyway.

Dying intestate is complicated.

For goodness sake, both of you need to take some action.

If you can't cope with it, contact the CAB or Age UK and (they can send someone to see you) and help sort it out.

Tiredofwhataboutery · 12/10/2025 11:17

I’d get house valued and priced for a quick sale. Then I’d tske my half and buy somewhere small and live alone with the pets forevermore.

user1471538283 · 12/10/2025 11:15

No this has to stop. Whilst you do it services will let you and he needs to advocate for himself. It sounds like he's enjoying not being well and trying to get better.

You could have decades of this ahead. Perhaps get a valuation of the house so you could see how much you would have to buy somewhere for you and your animals.

You are sacrificing your own life.

GirlonaCloud · 12/10/2025 11:15

TheClanoftheDook · 12/10/2025 11:03

Just saw you have grown up sons. Where the hell are they in all this?!

You have 3 children.

Why are they not involved?

Do they not understand the impact on you?

Are they not worried about their Dad?

Are they not advocating for medical intervention and supporting you?

Needspaceforlego · 12/10/2025 11:12

TheClanoftheDook · 12/10/2025 11:03

Just saw you have grown up sons. Where the hell are they in all this?!

2 /3 hours away keeping out the road.

Op did they move before or after you bought the current house.

Needspaceforlego · 12/10/2025 11:11

allthegrass · 12/10/2025 11:01

I've not got much to add everyone has covered it. But why are they not removing the lump ? Is it due to his weight or something?

Probably a combination of weight, ulcers that won't heel, he's had cellulitis.

There's a good chance that wounds from surgery wouldn't heel. It doesn't sound like he would do the self care of keeping the post surgery wounds clean either.

The surgeons might not want to actually come out and say that. Can you imagine the Daily Mail sad faces, surgeon won't operate because....

TheClanoftheDook · 12/10/2025 11:03

Just saw you have grown up sons. Where the hell are they in all this?!

Southshore18 · 12/10/2025 11:01

I wouldn't hesitate to leave. and I say that as someone who has been caring for almost 2 decades for disabled family members and I wouldn't walk out on them. But your situation is different. What is keeping you there?

are you married? do you have DC? How easy is it to leave. I wouldn't put up with this another day. I hope you find the strength and support to put yourself first.

allthegrass · 12/10/2025 11:01

I've not got much to add everyone has covered it. But why are they not removing the lump ? Is it due to his weight or something?

TheClanoftheDook · 12/10/2025 10:57

I do not say this lightly.

But forget the animals and get the fuck out of there.

TheSuperfluousWoman · 12/10/2025 10:57

This is the kind of topic that makes me very happy that I am single.
Yes I am getting older and maybe will struggle with my health at some point. But at least I will only struggle with mine and I know I will always do the biggest effort possible to remain in the best shape I can be.
I know some women whose partner is at the moment still in good health but will be a handful once he would be in ill health. These men are already selfish now so no doubt they'll be worse then.

Needspaceforlego · 12/10/2025 10:56

Op I don't think legal advice wouldn't be a bad idea and I'm being serious about a couple of weeks away.
See how he copes

Nevernottrying · 12/10/2025 10:55

You have one life, do you really want this to be it ?

GirlonaCloud · 12/10/2025 10:53

There is no will (it was going to be done when we moved here in 2023, but he quickly lost all mobility after that) the house will come to me, and by dying intestate, I assume the balance will be divided between our 2 sons, they both have far better jobs than we ever did and dont want for anything.

Just to repeat- do NOT assume anything where money is concerned.
You need advice.
He doesn't need to be mobile to make a will.
They can be done at home.
He can even get a 'will' form and complete it at home.

Do you have Power of Attorney?
How will you access his accounts or pension without if he dies?
You can't just rock up to a bank and ask them to give you his money on the basis of having lived together.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but you really need to get your finances and the legal side in order. It could all be a nightmare otherwise.

Needspaceforlego · 12/10/2025 10:51

He definitely needs seen too, if genital lymphodema is what I think it is, its horrible.

Watched a Channel 4/5 documentary / freak show with an American guy with it years ago. This thing was like a beach ball, and was gaining about a pound a every month. He was wearing hoodies on his bottom half, legs in the arms but still out n about but no insurance to get it dealt with. The programme paid for the Op.

They needed to remove and reconstruct the genitals, because of what it had done to the skin.

However he wasn't obese nor did he seem to have the general slob issues.

I think you need to tell Social Work and him that you will no longer take him to the toilet. Because really he needs care and MH assessment.

I assume he wasn't always a slob.

Muffinmam · 12/10/2025 10:46

Put him in the outside cabin. Seriously. Stop caring for him at all. If he has cellulitis he’s at risk of sepsis. He’s being kept alive by antibiotics. He needs to be in hospital and you need to refuse him to come home until that mass is removed from his leg. The lipoma and pannus are completely different things.

I take it you’re the one giving him his antibiotics every day? You’re the one cleaning his wounds? Why? Why do this at all?

dudsville · 12/10/2025 10:46

It sounds awful op. My aunt was in this kind of scenario with my uncle. She felt utterly unable to leave. She lived in filth for about 15 years, and by the time he died she'd lost a lot of her cognitive capacity and her own physical well being. Could you speak with a solicitor to see if there are any legal avenues for you?