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Original poster

Am I right to regret ever sleep walking into becoming my partners carer?

308 replies

RakshaUK · 11/10/2025 20:17

It started with getting up in the early hours to help him put his socks on to go to work. Then he developed leg ulcers, so showers became a performance because the dressing on the ulcers couldn't get wet, so I had to help putting a waterproof sleeve over them.
Then, about 15 years ago he started to develop a lump in his groin, GP thought it was a lipoma, said it could be removed when it became a problem. About 5 years ago - 2020 it was limiting his mobility to such an extent he couldn't walk from his disabled parking space to his desk (they did look at moving his desk under reasonable adjustments but it wasn't thought to be reasonable because they IT dept needed to be able to communicate easily). So the week before we went into lockdown, he took early retirement!
Basically he sat in his chair all day, wouldn't do anything else, and complained that he was losing his mobility. I pointed out on an almost daily basis that if he didn't use it, he'd lose it. GP sent a lovely chap to try and motivate him, he'd agree to all the tasks, then not do anything about them.
He's been referred to 3 different surgeons with regard to the removal of the lump (which is now so big it hangs like a good sized pumpkin between his knees), one took a look at his belly, which hangs infront of it after losing about 5 stone, and declared it was a pannus not a lipoma!
We've since moved and our current surgery are trying to get a MultiDisciplinaryTeammeeting together, including him, and me to act as his advocate, since July! He's spent 4 weeks in hospital with cellulitis.
What is really getting to me is his attitude towards me. E seems to do as little as possible and leaves me to clear up after him.I'm not one of nature's nurses, I feel like a caged animal listening to his moans and cries, and of course he must feel worse...
So WHY WONT HE DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT?
Even his nurses say he's got to be a squeaky wheel and on the phone to the GP Surgery every day. He does nothing to help himself, or me. I'm 65, older than him, with my own mobility issues (I use a power chair outside if I have to), I'm also type 2 diabetic and recently diagnosed ADHD and Autistic. I also have many incidents of trauma in my life which haven't all been put to bed. His nurse today suggested he make me a cup of tea every day (I have a shower stool out there to sit on when I'm cooking or washing up that he could use) doing that would double his step count for the day!
He passes wind, and doesn't apologise. He leaves shitty finger prints every where (he will go to the toilet for poos, but doesn't wash his hands) Wees he has to do by standing up while I shove a washing up bowl underneath him (the lump means he sprays wee everywhere and dribbles if he's anywhere near wanting to go when he walks) He can't wear underwear or incontinence pads because of the lump, trousers are a thing of the past, so he has a blanket across his knees to hide everything.
I like our house, i like sharing it with my two dogs and two cats. I have just had it up to here with being his carer.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/10/2025 00:01

He would have left you in a heartbeat if the situation was reversed

Blueink · 11/10/2025 23:55

The fact he has capacity to but doesn't wash his hands is really disrespectful. I couldn't live with that. For that alone it would have to be a split and YANBU.

If you don't want to be a carer then don't engage with the process at all, tell them you are not his carer and actually planning to separate, so he will need to make alternative arrangements.

Hankunamatata · 11/10/2025 23:50

Op that sounds horrendous for both of you
I would say I cant believe the nhs would leave a man in that state - unable to wear underwear or bottoms or be able to wee. His shame must be overwhelming but as you said he isn't doing the bare minimum to help himself
Do you have carers coming in? I would be pushing hard for disability social worker and carers coming in 4 times a day to manage his needs.
I dont think your unreasonable to have a good stern talk with him about basic hygiene.

ResusciAnnie · 11/10/2025 23:40

RakshaUK · 11/10/2025 21:42

I have a better idea. We have an insulated cabin in the garden that could easily be a semi self contained unit for me and the animals. Could use the kitchen and bathroom in the house.

Show quote history

That’s in no way a better option.

abracadabra1980 · 11/10/2025 23:35

I was part of a family caring for many years for my DF. It was hard enough on all of us and that was in a clean, loving environment. It took over our lives both mentally and physically and I vowed I would never, ever get involved in caring to that extent again. I adored my DF but the way my family went on has driven me to what I can only call ‘compassion fatigue’. I simply have very little left. It’s also one of the reasons I shall never, ever be in a relationship again just in case I end up in this very scenario again. The shitty fingerprints and no washing of hands would be the end for me in your scenario. We all have a limit and your has been pushed to the extreme. Put yourself first, we only live once.

HauntedBungalow · 11/10/2025 23:32

Why isn't the NHS treating this man? Who are these nurses going on about squeaky wheels? Why aren't they getting him treatment?

Homegrownberries · 11/10/2025 23:29

One way or another, this has to stop. The current arrangement is bad for both of you.

Userengage · 11/10/2025 23:23

I bet he wouldn’t stay with you if the shoe was on the other foot. He has zero respect for you, you’re just his skivvy. I think I’d hate him if I were you.

You do not have to continue to look after him; get out and look after yourself.

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 11/10/2025 23:17

He leaves shitty finger prints every where (he will go to the toilet for poos, but doesn't wash his hands

I wouldn’t live with a man like this, sorry. That is utterly disgusting. He’s treating you like dirt.

Beesandhoney123 · 11/10/2025 22:57

Do his children help?

Seems to me you are going to have to tell him your doctor said you have to rest and not do all this care for him. Or you will be poorly too. No one can argue with that. Tell social services the same. And don't do anything!

Then tell him he either goes to stay with his children until he is better, or buys you out. If he won't, then suggest you chat to your children about what to do. Could you stay with them?

Do all the kids get on? Get them all round for a talk about how you can't manage anymore.

If you do convince him to sell, ensure you tell the solicitor you want your share in your bank account.

crazeekat · 11/10/2025 22:55

Btw u could be my aunt who is in the same boat as you and her partner is a big huge whale who does fk all for himself. Literally can’t even shower cos of his weight he slipped on the shower and it took the firemen 2 hours to get him out (30 stone man). And he is young, early 50’s. Aunt is 10 yrs older with her own health issues. Honestly op uz will Both end up in an early grave looking after these lazy fuckers cos that is what this is. Learned behaviour. They know they will get served hand and foot. And they are!! Get away!!! Enjoy the years u have left looking after yourself!!

ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 11/10/2025 22:52

So sorry, OP. That sounds so tough going, and you doing all of that sound an absolute saint.

Speaking of tough, I think you need to give him tough love and leave. He's never going to improve or step up if you don't.

Help yourself and him by being strong and going it alone. You're very strong already obviously, but use this strength and anger to move forwards without him. He needs a kick up the arse to help him wipe his own arse properly.

You've been angelic so far and now it's time to put yourself first.❤️

crazeekat · 11/10/2025 22:51

U are going to spend the rest of your days looking after this poor excuse of a man if u don’t leave. You are enabling him by doing things and he is using ur good nature to get u to do it. Yes he has illnesses but so do a million other folk and they get on with it. He should be ashamed of himself to not make any efforts to bettering himself and he doesn’t give a second thought to what he is putting u thru. Get away from him. In fact go and book a fortnight’s holiday somewhere, and then he eill
maybe realise how much u do and how little he does!!! Please do this!! U deserve a rest. Don’t be scared just pack a bag and go. He won’t starve. But he really needs a boot up the arse

LeeshaPaper · 11/10/2025 22:45

As PP said, if you leave him, he'll have to look after himself and that would be good for him. And better for you.
It also sounds like it's not the caring in itself that's the main issue, it's his disrespect towards you. You deserve better

stayathomegardener · 11/10/2025 22:41

Would the value of half the house buy you a flat or similar?
Your situation sounds untenable and honestly leaving him might actually be his saving grace.

tsmainsqueeze · 11/10/2025 22:38

PhuckTrump · 11/10/2025 20:27

You lost me at shitty fingerprints all over the house. LTB.

Exactly !
What an absolutely disgusting man , no excuse whatsoever for this , does he enjoy this behaviour towards you ?
You should leave and live a life that suits you ,if he chooses to wallow in his disability -although i am loathe to call squalid disregard for general hygene and disrespect for you a disability, then leave him to it .
This can only get worse the longer he does nothing to help himself , i'm sure he would have to get off his useless arse he he didn't have you there .
I am repulsed thinking about what you have to do for him ,it is far too much , i feel very sorry for you .

blankcanvas3 · 11/10/2025 22:25

I provide some care to my husband (but I knew I would have to when we got together) and he does not treat me like this. He is grateful for everything I do for him and cares for me in other ways so it still feels like a 50/50 partnership even though I do a lot of the physical stuff. The shitty fingerprints are completely unacceptable, as is the rest. If you go into the garden you’re still going to end up getting dragged into this. You do not need to stay in this relationship. Take a little bit of time, get 30 minutes free with a solicitor and find out your options. Get your ducks in a row and then get the fuck out of there

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 11/10/2025 22:23

Tell him he needs to either the house to buy you out, or pay for carers and cleaners/go into assisted living.

Yes it will eat into the value of the house when it is eventually sold, but that will be after you die, I think. Get help to understand the situation.

Don’t be afraid to say you think your autism has left you vulnerable to being taken advantage of.

And stop doing the care. Stop bringing him food. He’ll have to get up and get it himself, which will do him good.

Harriet9955 · 11/10/2025 22:23

Does he claim a disability benefit ? Could he use this money to pay for a carer for a few hours a week?

Jk987 · 11/10/2025 22:20

Has he got any friends? Where are his family? Please get them on board as they need to get involved. Tell them what you’ve told us. There is absolutely no obligation to stay in this relationship.

Buffypaws · 11/10/2025 22:18

OrangeSlices998 · 11/10/2025 21:45

If you’re in the garden you’ll still end up somehow involved and responsible. This sounds awful I know but is it really worth staying in this miserable awful life for pets? Take them with you, or find somewhere temporary for them and get them back when you’re on your feet. I love my husband but if he had no respect for himself I’d have no respect for him. Get out OP, life is short.

Show quote history

Maybe a temporary measure.

i don’t suppose he’d be able to buy you out?

Original poster
RakshaUK · 11/10/2025 22:11

LousyGolfer · 11/10/2025 21:48

Let me guess- you’re not married and, apart from the shared house, he has savings or assets that will go to someone else when he dies? At that point, you’ll get nada except the realisation that your effort in caring hasn’t eroded someone else’s inheritance.

Yes, he has the residue of what his mother left him when she died about 5 years ago. We sold the family house and bought this bungalow for less. Moving costs and paying for a few bits here, like solar panels and a down payment on my motabilty vehicle ate into it (we thought we'd need a reliable vehicle to transport #3 son 300 miles to university, but he didn't get into his 2nd year - another long story)
My father died in 2000 and all the money I inherited went on our last house, and a holiday in America.
He's got about 10k i think, below the threshold, it's intended that it will go to my 3 sons (my son and our 2 sons). His mother left them each 30k when she died. I get my Government pension next May, so loose any Carers Allowance then any way.

OP posts:
pteromum · 11/10/2025 22:10

Bloozie · 11/10/2025 20:20

I’m not one of nature’s carers either and this is one of my biggest fears. I know my husband would just lie down and embrace disability.

YANBU.

@Bloozieinteresting but strange comment.

I get opposite people attract, etc but where is the attraction there? I can’t imagine having a fear something might happen because my partner would embrace it? My fear (current reality) is more they won’t listen to any advice and are making the injury worse. But I didn’t worry, expecting it in advance. if makes sense. I hope you are ok, and can take some steps to prevent that becoming a reality.

OP I hope you take some of the advice here. This is a sad form of control and abuse. I hope you can find a solution.

GoldPoster · 11/10/2025 22:08

No chance I’d still be there. He’s a parasite . However you need to do it just leave. Tell social services you’re out. He can sort himself out

LavenderViolets · 11/10/2025 22:07

That’s not being a carer, he’s treating you like his slave. My FIL sounds very similar, does nothing gets worse then expects everyone to run round after him. He has no excuse to be so disgusting and I’d be doing the absolute minimum I could until he learns his behaviour isn’t acceptable.