Christmas alone, just the two of us!

Luna6 · 11/10/2025 13:20

Wildflower44 · 11/10/2025 11:47

I think I feel a bit off as it's expected we're there every Christmas but it's fine if my partner's brother goes away for two weeks over Christmas, nothing is ever said about that. My partner was sent to private boarding school at 7 and has been traumatised by it, his mum can be quite controlling, he has mummy issues and is an alcoholic. Our relationship is sexless, he spends alot of time in bed hungover. I'd like my own Christmas as have compromised alot in the relationship...

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Doesn't sound like you are getting much out of the relationship to be honest. Why don't you let him go to Mummy and you go to the cabin by yourself!

CatchTheWind1920 · 11/10/2025 13:00

Wildflower44 · 11/10/2025 11:47

I think I feel a bit off as it's expected we're there every Christmas but it's fine if my partner's brother goes away for two weeks over Christmas, nothing is ever said about that. My partner was sent to private boarding school at 7 and has been traumatised by it, his mum can be quite controlling, he has mummy issues and is an alcoholic. Our relationship is sexless, he spends alot of time in bed hungover. I'd like my own Christmas as have compromised alot in the relationship...

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But really, based on this, Christmas isn't your main problem, is it?

CatchTheWind1920 · 11/10/2025 12:59

With mil's age, I would spend it with mil. There will be plenty of opportunities in the future for a Christmas just the two of you 😊

SplendidUtterly · 11/10/2025 12:55

After you'r last update I'd be going alone to the cabin.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/10/2025 12:52

This isn’t about Christmas is it. Do what you like for Christmas, expect to do it alone if he wants to be with his mum and brother. If you’re not unhappy then split up.

Luckyingame · 11/10/2025 12:49

Deleted due to the drip feed.
Taking a break.😄

OrigamiOwls · 11/10/2025 12:47

Quite the drip feed there.

It is reasonable that it might be her last Christmas (I know it's a terrible way to think about it, but she is 95).

But your whole relationship is the issue, not just Christmas. Reconsider your future for the new year.

babbi · 11/10/2025 12:47

@Comedycook totally nailed it !!
OP read what you’ve written and consider if you should be spending Xmas or indeed any day with this man …
sounds dreadful all round

dontlikeham · 11/10/2025 12:46

Wildflower44 · 11/10/2025 11:47

I think I feel a bit off as it's expected we're there every Christmas but it's fine if my partner's brother goes away for two weeks over Christmas, nothing is ever said about that. My partner was sent to private boarding school at 7 and has been traumatised by it, his mum can be quite controlling, he has mummy issues and is an alcoholic. Our relationship is sexless, he spends alot of time in bed hungover. I'd like my own Christmas as have compromised alot in the relationship...

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That’s quite the drip feed.

OSTMusTisNT · 11/10/2025 12:44

Sorry can't be bothered with the big drip feed, I'm out.

Redshoeblueshoe · 11/10/2025 12:43

Blimey - why don't you leave him ?

Imbusytodaysorry · 11/10/2025 12:41

@Wildflower44 would you /can you go away yourself ?
He gets his Xmas he likes and you get yours ?
If you want partner there then I days go to mil for Xmas days then head off on a holiday.
Do your own second Xmas day while away .

Comedycook · 11/10/2025 12:39

Wildflower44 · 11/10/2025 11:47

I think I feel a bit off as it's expected we're there every Christmas but it's fine if my partner's brother goes away for two weeks over Christmas, nothing is ever said about that. My partner was sent to private boarding school at 7 and has been traumatised by it, his mum can be quite controlling, he has mummy issues and is an alcoholic. Our relationship is sexless, he spends alot of time in bed hungover. I'd like my own Christmas as have compromised alot in the relationship...

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This is quite a drip feed op...I think Christmas is the least of your problems

Starling7 · 11/10/2025 12:38

Wildflower44 · 11/10/2025 11:47

I think I feel a bit off as it's expected we're there every Christmas but it's fine if my partner's brother goes away for two weeks over Christmas, nothing is ever said about that. My partner was sent to private boarding school at 7 and has been traumatised by it, his mum can be quite controlling, he has mummy issues and is an alcoholic. Our relationship is sexless, he spends alot of time in bed hungover. I'd like my own Christmas as have compromised alot in the relationship...

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My heart goes out to you. I've been there before myself. I found it hard to leave but I'm so so happy I did. Perhaps the cottage would be even more joyful if you go alone and spoil yourself. Xx

Badger32 · 11/10/2025 12:29

Wildflower44 · 11/10/2025 11:47

I think I feel a bit off as it's expected we're there every Christmas but it's fine if my partner's brother goes away for two weeks over Christmas, nothing is ever said about that. My partner was sent to private boarding school at 7 and has been traumatised by it, his mum can be quite controlling, he has mummy issues and is an alcoholic. Our relationship is sexless, he spends alot of time in bed hungover. I'd like my own Christmas as have compromised alot in the relationship...

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Get it booked
And go on your own
Your not joined at the hip
If he comes with you great
If he doesn't,even better
Put yourself first ,if putting yourself first ends your relationship,it wasn't meant to be anyway

Anonymouseposter · 11/10/2025 12:05

Wildflower44 · 11/10/2025 11:47

I think I feel a bit off as it's expected we're there every Christmas but it's fine if my partner's brother goes away for two weeks over Christmas, nothing is ever said about that. My partner was sent to private boarding school at 7 and has been traumatised by it, his mum can be quite controlling, he has mummy issues and is an alcoholic. Our relationship is sexless, he spends alot of time in bed hungover. I'd like my own Christmas as have compromised alot in the relationship...

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It sounds like your MIL is not the problem. If you go away he’s likely just to drink and sleep anyway. I would go away from Boxing Day or the day after and stay over New Year, but honestly I don’t think your cosy cabin holiday is going to be how you envision it. Have a hard think about how you want to spend your retirement. If you don’t actually leave at least focus on building up a very independent life of your own.

thisishowloween · 11/10/2025 11:58

You're not unreasonable to suggest it but equally if my mum was 95 I'd be spending as many Christmases with her as I possibly could.

Why not go away for New Year instead?

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 11/10/2025 11:54

Right idea, wrong time. At 95 there’s not many Christmases left. You two have many other days in the year to have a lovely trip away, not Christmas in MILs final years.

youalright · 11/10/2025 11:48

Go away for new year see his mum Christmas its one day you have plenty of Christmases ahead with your partner

Original poster

Wildflower44 · 11/10/2025 11:47

Wildflower44 · 11/10/2025 11:09

Hi all, it's my first post here - would welcome some opinions :)
I've been with my partner for 11 years and every year we've spent Christmas with his mum and brother (unless brother goes away on a fabulous trip somewhere). This year I've found a lovely cabin by the sea in Scotland 3 hours from us (available 20th - 27th) and suggested to my partner we go there for Christmas, just the two of us - I'm hankering after a day lounging in PJ's, watching films, reading, cooking dinner - just a relaxed no pressure day! My partner doesn't want to let his mum down - she's 95 but a very active 95; lives in her own beautiful property, goes out to see friends/cinema/restaurants etc. We live in the same town so see her regularly. Partner's brother will be home for Christmas so will be spending it with her. I've suggested we could spend New Years Day together, am I being unreasonable? Cheers for reading this if you've got this far ;)

I think I feel a bit off as it's expected we're there every Christmas but it's fine if my partner's brother goes away for two weeks over Christmas, nothing is ever said about that. My partner was sent to private boarding school at 7 and has been traumatised by it, his mum can be quite controlling, he has mummy issues and is an alcoholic. Our relationship is sexless, he spends alot of time in bed hungover. I'd like my own Christmas as have compromised alot in the relationship...

OP posts:

snoffle · 11/10/2025 11:41

I'm often on the side of thinking people shouldn't feel overly obligated at Christmas (like, not feel pressured to drive 300 miles on Christmas Eve and then spend three nights sleeping on a living room floor), but even I would stick with the MIL visits in this case, given she's in the same town as you so you can be at home together for the nights, and as she is so very old.

Going away somewhere over winter and snuggling down as a couple is a lovely idea though, so I'd maybe do it just before Christmas for a long weekend taking in the solstice shortest day, or go for NYE as others have suggested.

If your partner really wanted to go away too, maybe that would feel different, but given he's not enthusiastic about it, I'd leave it for something for the future.

MaybeItWasMe · 11/10/2025 11:38

Spend Christmas with his mum - the cabin will still be there the next week.

Comedycook · 11/10/2025 11:35

95....you should spend Christmas with her. You and your partner can have a weekend away anytime surely?

KTheGrey · 11/10/2025 11:35

Wildflower44 · 11/10/2025 11:18

thank you, she's been telling us it's her last Christmas for the past 10 years but yes if it was I'd feel terrible!

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And also your partner would hold you responsible - new year in the cabin?

OSTMusTisNT · 11/10/2025 11:33

At 95, I would let DH spend time with his Mum. It won't be long until its just you and DH.

(Also, as someone who lives in Scotland, there isnt really anything lovely about a cottage by the sea when it gets totally pitch black dark by 4pm, blowing a gale and minus 15.... If you are rural you could be trapped for weeks if we get bad snow).