DD mercy mission

I would have done this too, OP. My mother wouldn't 🙄

You did the right thing! Hope your DD is feeling a bit better today, with her Mum's support.

This is exactly the position my mother took at every difficult point in my life: rushed into hospital: sorry too busy to stay; broken up with a boyf: what’s the big deal; loss of a child: it’s all rather inconvenient.

it is why I now have nothing to do with her and why I will always prioritise my DCs need for me above anyone else’s. Even though they’re grown ups. It’s why we have amazing relationships and that’s the most important thing we n the world.

I’ve cancelled on friends often over the years to attend to my DD and they have always been supportive and understanding. Indeed I cancelled one last week as I felt I needed to pop in and check up on my daughter (also in first term at uni, although complicated by ASD/ADHD and a history of anxiety).

I would have had no hesitation of dropping everything to seen her in an emotional crisis and suspect I may be doing a similar ‘mercy mission’ for my DS next year as I am not sure I can see how he and his GF will navigate a distance relationship when they both head off to uni.

Your kids don’t stop being your kids when they turn 18 and they don’t stop needing their mums when they are in distress. Fortunately most of my friends feel the same way and, their kids not being 20s/30s, have all confessed to rushing to uni in a crisis to hug their kids.

If it was a good friend I actually liked no I wouldn't have done that. I'm sure your dd could have waited the 2hrs you took for a lunch before being rescued on your "mercy mission!" Or you could have paid for her to travel home so she would have arrived by the time you'd finished with friend.

Given you don't actually seem that fond of friend then its slightly different but tbh if you're "in the process of distancing" from them then why are you going for lunch with them in the first place? That's hardly very distant!

Tbh YABU for using such emotive, therapy style speech rather than just saying "to go and see dd" and "friend I'm not that keen on".

Couldn’t you have gone after the lunch or sent DD money for the train fare to go home for the weekend? This isn’t an emergency that merits cancelling on the friend.

So what if shes a grown up and has friends... mum can still go and see her. Doesn't make dd any less grown up to have a good cry on mums shoulders. Honestly such werid comments ppl post

If your daughter is in great distress then yes go to her. Nothing wrong in that.
My mother certainly wouldnt have done the same

YANBU to go and support your daughter, and pay no attention to people saying she's a grown adult and needs to toughen up etc etc. You do get these 'once someone hits 18, they are a grown-assed adult, who needs to buy a property, leave home, support themselves fully financially, and they don't need their mum anymore.'

But in real life, some people struggle for a few years and aren't 'fully fledged adults' the second they hit their 18th birthday, and will take a bit longer than some of their peers to fully mature/be independent... And people need their mum at ANY age. And it can be very comforting even talking to your mum over the phone.. I feel sorry for people who think differently.....

Still a bit baffled as to why you are meeting up with someone you don't want in your life though @AuntieMeemz Just give her a wide berth from now on. She's not worth bothering with if she can't see why you would want to go and support your daughter.

I have done the same. You’ve cancelled lunch early in the day so it’s not like you left your friend waiting at the restaurant. A three year relationship is a big deal at any age. When I did it it I helped my DD find new accommodation and helped her move. She would have been fine without me but she welcomed the support. I did the same thing with another one of my kids when they were struggling with exam/exam stress. My kids are in their late 20’s and early 30’s now and all fully functioning responsible and happy adults.

I have a great relationship with my Mum. I’m in my 60s but I still find her very supportive.

Two birds one stone .
Your daughter is more important and this will expedite the distancing process.
Good decision .

Yours may well have wanted you to go, I absolutely would not have wanted my mother to swoop in making a big drama.

But then that's my mother, and I recognise that not all mothers are the same.

I can see why you are distancing yourself from this "friend"

I expect your daughter will be happy to see you. She might not admit it as it is not cool to at Uni to want to see your Mum!
I wouldn’t take any notice of your friend. When our children were growing up, they always came first, and yes if they needed us, we would go and see them. Our friends always understood because they had children of the same age. Now our grandchildren come first and yes I have had to cancel on friends for coffee because a child doesn’t have childcare but my friends would do the same.

The end of first love is crushing.

I mean I am as hard as they come but would have done the same.

There is some real performative concern on social media, I stand with whatever cause whilst not actively doing anything but keyboard warrior about it. A great example is MN being very concerned about young peoples MH issues, on the rise unfortunately. But then people like the op are criticised for showing deep love for their own children and supporting them. The only time not to go is if they ask you not to, then that request needs to be respected.

I would also have immediately gone to DD, and any of my real friends that I might have been eating lunch with would have understood because they would all have done the same.

Oh, sorry, I think you’re saying you cancelled lunch at short notice. That’s less rude IMO!

I think your OP is saying that your DC has just started university.

It was rude IMO not to at least finish lunch. Being ‘in the process of distancing’ yourself from the friend isn’t relevant.

I don’t think I’d go travel a long way on the very day - or even the next few days unless DC explicitly asked me to.

What does she want? It should be about her not you

I'd travel to the ends of the earth for my son if he needed emotional support. When they get older they need to become independent autonomous humans for all the practical stuff, and our role is reduced to answering questions about how ovens work to support them in this, and being the emotional safety net if they need us. You did the right thing and your friend is being weird for not understanding that.

How many great friends she knows she can trust completely is she likely to have formed in two weeks flat?

Your daughter needs you

There are definitely two types of people.... I said to a friend a couple of weeks ago, "gosh I'm tired, just ran DS to Uni and just got back" response, "You took Ds to Uni!! I sent mine on the train with her bag, she was fine" Cue us looking at each other in incomprehension - I can't imagine NOT taking DS to Uni, and like you would go get him/see him if needed.

This is all dramatic & skewed isn't it?

I would have stayed for lunch & gone asap after as a compromise.

On the grounds that I would have been lunching with someone I wanted to see & that my daughter knew I was there for her but that it was not a disaster that needed me to sprint off to attend to immediately.

I am going to see my DD at her new uni tomorrow as she is missing home and us. She is only just making new friends and doesn’t feel comfortable sharing her that she is missing her parents and sister and has had quite a few tears about it. It will take the whole day tomorrow as we have booked a meal out but we want to go and see her and give her hug as she is struggling.

OP, I would have done the same as you in your situation.

Years ago DD1 and her then boyfriend were on holiday in our holiday house in Spain . They had been together more than 2 years . He dumped her on the first day but wanted to stay on for the week “ as friends” !
I flew out and ordered him out of the house and stayed for the week . DD and I had a lovely time . She cried but we also laughed .
Hus mother accused me of being heartless !