DD mercy mission

I think it's over-dramatic to just drop everything and go.

Even a long call today and travelling tomorrow is more reasonable.

Your friend is a cow!

First term at uni, aged 18/19 and end of a relationship of 3 years, yeah, you're right to go.

Any friendships she's made there will be of a few weeks duration and she's away from home for the first time. It can be a difficult period without being "dumped" and from a purely pragmatic viewpoint, better to give as much support as possible now than have her drop out because she can't cope.

Encourage her to talk to her personal tutor/any support services at her college so they are aware of what's happened. It may be a teenage breakup but it will still be mammoth for her and they can give her a bit of backup too.

Me too

Even more so if it happened in the first few weeks and my Mum was stood around my hall of residence telling people she is was on a “Mercy Mission”

My best mate would have probably jumped in the car with me.

Well it obviously isn't Op's "best mate" is it?

My friends would have been understanding if I wanted to cancel.

But depending on how often I saw them & if it might be a while before we could meet up again I probably wouldn't want to.

I'm not sure it's as clear cut as not cancelling=bad & uncaring.

surely your daughter could wait hours - a day ? If that's the relationship you have with her ( I wouldn't have wanted my mum turning up in that situation - but I realise people have different relationships) = she hasn't been injured, she can cope surely while you make time to visit

I dont think that merits cancelling lunch but perhaps if you really thought your daughter was struggling

What a cow your friend is! My best mate would have probably jumped in the car with me.

You've done exactly the right thing - first love break ups hurt like a bastard and your daughter needs you. Hope she's ok.

I wish my mum was more like you! If she had been I might not have married the wrong person because I was desperate to have someone.
Has she asked you to come?

Sounds like a great time to drop the friendship that wasn't working anyway.

Family first……every time! Your daughter is upset and your ‘friend’ is just being a twat.
Your priority is your daughter. Safe journey.

Yup.

Sorry op, I think this too. I would have been mortified if I broke up with a bf and my mum appeared at uni. I have friends, and a phone for that.

Your ‘fiend’ is being very selfish.

Maybe now is the right time to completely cut contact.

I wish my Mum were as lovely as you. I am sure your daughter needs your support more than your your friend does. Friend also sounds quite critical of your relationship with your daughter and that’s not really her business.

it’s such a weird position to take: so needlessly unpleasant, but I guess born out of trauma

@Slobberchops1 I’d genuinely love to hear why you feel the way you do?

🙄

Not enough info, if (friend aside) you are wondering if you did the right thing.

There are so many variables here - your daughter has just got into uni and already lives on the other side of the country from you (on her own - e.g. going to uni as a mature student or perhaps she lives with her other parent?) - or perhaps you were on the other side of the country visiting (did you go to see your friend, or just met up with her when you were there anyway?) and went home early? Did daughter ask you to come or was there a strong indication that she needed you to physically be with her? Etc., etc. - you get the idea.

BUT if you were sure you did the right thing before your friend commented, did she really give you reason to reconsider and think it might be bad for your daughter for you to go, or are you just feeling guilty for letting down the friend? Missing a lunch doesn't seem like a huge deal to me, so if you still think going was the right thing I would apologise to the friend but not worry too much about it.

Hmmmm on the fence about this one. I have a DD at Uni several hours away from home. I know if her boyfriend broke up with her she would be devastated but I also know she has a good support network where she is and good friends who would be there for her.

To be honest I am not sure my DD would want me to drop everything and head off up to her. She is an adult now and has independence from me so I would only go up and spend the day/night with her if she really wanted me to. If she wanted me there, I wouldn't hesitate.

Does your DD know you are coming? Does she have friends?

If it's her first year, she'll barely know anyone

YANBU assuming DD desires your presence; however:

Your DD needing you and the fact that you are trying to distance from this friend should be unrelated. I do not understand the relevance of the distancing comment.

Also, from the title I was expecting this to be about DD’s experiences in Gaza or similar, not a fairly routine life experience.

I think whilst going once may be a good thing, you have to make sure it does not become a habit.

This exactly. As I said, I feel sorry for the posters who think that way, that once your child hits 18, they can fend for themselves and better not DARE bother them. How sad. 😢I am SO glad that I have never behaved like this towards my DC. I have always been there for them. ALWAYS. And I always will be. Hence, we have wonderful, loving, close relationships.

Your daughter comes before any friendship, and it would turn me right off somebody being offended by me prioritising my family over a social get together with them.
Yanbu.

You did the right thing. Those first few weeks of uni are really hard and friends are not the same as a mum shoulder to cry on.
has your friends got children of the same age in the same situation? If so she should understand.

Well, you were "distancing" yourself from this friend anyway so it doesn't sound like much of a loss. Personally the last person I'd want to talk to about anything like that would've been my mum, but then I'm 68 and we didn't generally confide in our parents when we were teenagers. But if my adult son really needed me I'd move heaven and earth to be with him.

What's a grown up? You don't need to be over 18 to go to uni, so technically she might not be an adult yet, if that is what is classed as a grown up. I don't think this is classed as a "little thing" - her first serious relationship, that she had been in for 3 years, that's not a little thing. She no doubt does have friends, but many of them are probably just settling into their own 'new lives' many miles away, and she's probably been at this uni for a few weeks, hardly long enough to establish friendships where you can turn to people for comfort and support.

@AuntieMeemz I'd have done the same thing as you. I think people forget that our children are only a few months post being classed a "child" and growning up isn't a switch that clicks over to experienced adulthood on a particular date. Who cares what your 'friend' thinks if you're distancing yourself anyway - I'd say this has just given you more evidence to support your decision. I hope your daughter is okay. My brother had his serious girlfriend split up with him a few weeks into uni, but what made it worse was that they had gone there together so he was constantly running into her and her new boyfriend. I hope your daughter is able to turn this into a positive to find new friends and date new people, and has an amazing time at university.