DD mercy mission

My question was also going to be “did she ask you to go?” Which to me is the deciding question.

But I see the OP hasn’t come back!

If she asked you too fine but otherwise I’d think it’s OTT - just because it’s babying her

I would have gone to my daughter, friends should understand

It’s obviously cool to be heartless. I was an absolute priority for both my parents. Each one of them would have, (and indeed did on several occasions) move mountains if I was in trouble or distressed even when I was considerably older than OP’s daughter. We loved each other dearly and I’m so thankful that I had such loving and caring parents. The love and security gave me a strong base on which to grow and develop and I became a confident and competent adult.

This... I would have been horrified if my mum did this but equally know some would want them there!

Been there, done similar.

You might not do this every time but you know your daughter better than your friend and any of us on here.

Going to, maybe, extremes (and not suggesting this is the case here) but better a tired mum + inconvenienced friend than a dead daughter.

99% of the time our children get through life and sort out their own problems but there is that 1% of times when they need help.

edit pressed send before I’d finished.

hope she is ok now.

The first term at uni can be miserable without breakups. You did the right thing OP.

Wow have people on here really forgotten a first heartbreak, break up? I think going to make sure she can cope is 100% the right thing to do. The pain of heart break is an extreme shock ..a physical pain that can be unbearable so checking DD can manage is absolutely the right thing to do, when it happened to me in my first year at Uni ..I fled home to heal returning when the tears stopped. Course was fine and I graduated well. You sound like a great Mum OP…DD will soon say if she is ok

OP ignore the unkind remarks on here. First few weeks at Uni is hard enough without being dumped. You are a kind Mum I would do the same for my daughter. Your friend is being unreasonable. Wish your daughter well.

Flew to Amsterdam to be with 30 year old daughter for the same. Your family comes first

I'd have done exactly the same!

Absolutely not! Your DD’s distress will be greater than your friend’s annoyance.

I would have done it as well, that’s what good mums do

No - I agree with you

That assumes that your intervention, based on a daily fear for your son, was good for his mental health.

41 years ago I was pregnant with my first baby, but miscarried. My husband did his military service, I could not reach him. So in tears I called my mother. She said : "So sorry to hear but we can't come to you right now, we're playing cards with friends. They say hi too. " Imagine how that went down. No, YANBU. You're a good mother.

I would have gone to see DD too. The (mental) health of our kids is so important. I feared for my son every day while he was at uni. Dramatic? Maybe but better safe than sorry

I know I’d do the same

dd had a problem at uni in 2020 - we drove 6 hours to her uni arriving at 1am - picked her up, drove through the night and arrived home around 8am

she is a very independent (fiercely so) young lady, very successfully living 160 miles away now. We speak frequently and WhatsApp almost daily with nonsense eg had stir fry for dinner, tube was packed this morning - nonsense

but she knows we’re a phone call away if she needs us

we are not and have never been helicopter parents and certainly dished out our fair share of tough love but we have, and continue to do so, have always supported her (equally told her when she’s wrong!)

id had gone op

All these people saying you shouldn’t have gone obviously don’t have children! I absolutely would have done the same

You gave yourself away by the inclusion of 'who I'm trying to distance myself from'. The person you cancelled on is better off without you in her life

To be fair , I agree , daughter could have waited a few hours or even a few days? Don’t distance from friend because she was annoyed.

i voted YANBU to go see your daughter but would like to change to YABU for dropping friend & running - Why not wait a few hours or til next day? If there’s good reason why you had to just run - it wasn’t emergency…

Wow. Someone was starved of affection growing up!

Some folk on here seem to think young adults dont need parenting.
You're her mum. Do what you think you need to. Don't contact your non friend again.

You're a mum, your child comes first. Her mental health and wellbeing come first.
I would have done the same.

We took ds to university when he first started in September 2021 but after that he always took the train (s) and bags. It would have cost a lot in petrol and we are on UC. He was fine with that and dd1 lived about 10 miles from the university and helped to store stuff, take him out for meals etc. Dd3 is probably going next year and hopefully she'll have passed her test and will be able to drive herself after the first time.

You're not BU to go see DD to support her after a breakup, although it does sound a little overdramatic to cancel all your own plans and rush over straight away. I have a friend who was always doing this with her young adult DD for every little thing, wasn't able to tolerate anything going wrong in her DD's life/DD being upset and not rushing in with the cavalry to fix it. It did mean her friendships suffered, and now her DD is older and has moved further away, she's become rather lonely. So I guess I'm saying YANBU with a note of caution to be careful about cancelling on your friends and putting your own life on the back burner too often for adult children. I'm on the edge of navigating empty nest life with two older teenagers and I've often thought I don't want to end up how she has.

I'm guessing you probably were quick to cancel because you don't really like this friend that much, if you were in the process of distancing yourself. If it was lunch with a close and valued friend, maybe you'd have been more likely to go to your DD afterwards?