Page 4 | To leave DH and kids to do this

Original poster

Youcannotbeseriou · 12/10/2025 23:47

Marchitectmummy · 12/10/2025 21:57

Yes I would this isn't about being a female although let's face it with the masses of publicity about menopause and affect on brains it doesn't exactly help us appear an attractive option in our 50s. What you are describing of people being promoted in their 50s is different to starting on a path in your late 40s/ early 50s.

Whether male or female choosing to study a masters in late 40s to try to enter a career path they haven't been on before at the sacrifice of time with family, risking their marriage through lack of presence and leaving the part time job they enjoy - yep would absolutely not advise it.

I don't know what profession the OP is in but I am an architect and partner in my practice and my husband a surgeon. Neither of those professions would welcome in a newly qualified person in their late 40s over a person late 20s / 30s. Entry level roles which seems to be where the OP is pitching go to young people. Whether that is fair or not, right or not isn't the debate. I'm just explaining my experience and basing my advice on that.

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It is different in this profession, coming in later as a second career choice is very common.

OP posts:

Delphinium20 · 12/10/2025 23:47

I have always been a full-time working mother, have traveled for work and did grad school when children were little, so I understand pretty well how hard it is to balance career and children. I also agree that many parents (usually men) make sacrifices as a family to better themselves and explain it that way to their DC

My one big concern is you don't know how your kids will handle it. That seems to show you're not really tuned into them emotionally or developmentally. If your DH has that tight bond w/ your DC (the kind a child needs to be healthy) then you being away may not be a problem. Personally, I've always known 100% how my being gone during the week would impact my kids. I think this one part, that you don't know instinctually how they will feel gives me pause. I'd make sure your DH DOES know this answer, and I'd defer to him on that point.

Original poster

Youcannotbeseriou · 12/10/2025 23:40

Lavender14 · 12/10/2025 23:02

I think this is a bit unfair given that parents also need to put a roof over their kids heads and many parents work jobs close to home that leave them with very little time with their kids and its a needs must situation.

I think personally op I'd struggle but it sounds like you are already struggling so I think it's a toss up between kids seeing their mum resentful, or seeing her striving and fulfilled.

I'd sit down and map out the logistics, the costs, the impact on family budget initially and then post qualifying and whether you can factor in extra help? I'd also look into whether it's possible part time over 4 years and if that might be a better middle ground?

I'd also look into if there is any possibility of studying remotely such as through OU or similar or if you'd physically need to be present for classes every day. I did a masters recently and almost everything was online so i only had a couple of classes to attend in the entire year.

I do think you need to weigh it up in the context of your family dynamics, how likely are your kids to go to dh if they have a problem? How likely are they to cope, how likely is he to cope? What support network is around you that will kick in to support one absent parent if something is needed quickly so you aren't affecting dhs job. I think your dh would need to also very clearly explain why he doesn't want you to do this.

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Thanks for that, no part time/ remote options sadly.
Great points about family dynamics and, do you know what, I think we'd be fine. DH is very emotionally present and would happily be a stay at home dad if I earned enough. Posting this thread has helped me think things through and the more I read, the more I think this is right for us as a couple. Will tread carefully with the kids, and we'll see what happens. Thanks again

OP posts:

Harry12345 · 12/10/2025 23:38

BlackeyedSusan · 12/10/2025 12:04

Gender stereotypes and expectations are not good for either sex.

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That’s not a stereotype that’s been a fact that most men have been the breadwinners and sole earners and that’s why they have worked away. My point is wether it is a man or woman choosing to work away, it’s a very different choice when you are doing it to provide for your family or doing it when your family is already financially stable

Original poster

Youcannotbeseriou · 12/10/2025 23:34

Wow - ok, so, I've popped on here after a lovely weekend with the family and can't believe the amount of posts.
Amazing responses! Thank you!

Thanks for every single one, even the ones that sound like they want to erase a 100 years of women’s rights. Really, because reading objections like ‘why would you want to live like a man?’/ ‘As long as you sort out the housework etc’ makes me want to do it all the more.

That aside, it’s been inspiring to hear about parents who have done this. Of course, the first and foremost concern is the impact it would have on the children. And posts that raise that concern I can totally get behind.

I’m not doing this course for the sake of it and if there was ANYWAY of doing it online, or closer to home, of course I would do that in a heartbeat. It’s a real pain in the arse that I can’t, and I’m not doing this to ‘run away’ in any way from my family. (If I was, I don't think I would have bothered posting here). I am really lucky to have them and the ‘unhappiness’ from the original post is because it was never my dream to be a mother. It is a privilege, and I don’t take it lightly, but it just doesn’t fulfil me in a way it does for others. And, having read these responses, I realise that I don’t want to apologise for the fact I need something different aside from motherhood to make me happy. We are all built differently.

The course that I am considering carries accreditation, so you sadly can't do it online/ remotely. I have spoken to the professional awarding body and they admit there is a real gap in provision in West Wales (where I live).

I work part time in the profession as an assistant and I love it, I fully understand what the role is but the step up to being fully qualified only comes with retraining sadly. There are a few apprenticeships in England – not Wales. When fully qualified, the difference in salary is significant, so if I was a man, I guess you could reframe it as ‘bettering oneself and sacrificing two years of hard work to bring better prospects for my family’. But, I’m a woman and many have said I should wait until the kids have left home – I’d be 60 when I graduate. And I do want a career – not just a masters degree.

It’s utterly fascinating that stereotypes still have such a pervasive hold on us, how people judge us, but more on how I judged myself. Its been amazing to read so many responses and I think it’s really helped me think things through; I really need to be emotionally present for the kids and be very mindful about how we discuss it with them. And if its too much for them, I'll try and find an alternative plan. BUT also, I won’t be guilted into curtailing my life because I’m a mother. My husband and I are equal partners and our kids are well looked after, I guess the rest is up to us.

Thanks for the good luck messages, and for helping me to think things through - you are all completely inspiring.

OP posts:

GreenFritillary · 12/10/2025 23:07

A man wouldn't feel guilty. If he were my husband I would support him to achieve his dream, and we would keep up with each other's day most evenings.

Lavender14 · 12/10/2025 23:02

mummymetalhead · 11/10/2025 00:23

As a child of parents who worked away for months at a time, please don’t do it.
I resented them both so much. In my case one would come back and the other would leave but it was really hard to cope with as a child.

I think this is a bit unfair given that parents also need to put a roof over their kids heads and many parents work jobs close to home that leave them with very little time with their kids and its a needs must situation.

I think personally op I'd struggle but it sounds like you are already struggling so I think it's a toss up between kids seeing their mum resentful, or seeing her striving and fulfilled.

I'd sit down and map out the logistics, the costs, the impact on family budget initially and then post qualifying and whether you can factor in extra help? I'd also look into whether it's possible part time over 4 years and if that might be a better middle ground?

I'd also look into if there is any possibility of studying remotely such as through OU or similar or if you'd physically need to be present for classes every day. I did a masters recently and almost everything was online so i only had a couple of classes to attend in the entire year.

I do think you need to weigh it up in the context of your family dynamics, how likely are your kids to go to dh if they have a problem? How likely are they to cope, how likely is he to cope? What support network is around you that will kick in to support one absent parent if something is needed quickly so you aren't affecting dhs job. I think your dh would need to also very clearly explain why he doesn't want you to do this.

Shmithecat2 · 12/10/2025 23:02

slowthisbirddown · 12/10/2025 22:48

Would you be saying this if OP was their father rather than their mother?

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Nope

Onthepage · 12/10/2025 22:56

Don’t live with regret for the rest of your life, do it!y

slowthisbirddown · 12/10/2025 22:48

Sarah2891 · 11/10/2025 10:58

Sorry but YABU. Not fair on your kids to not be there most of the time, especially at their ages.

Would you be saying this if OP was their father rather than their mother?

HardyCrow · 12/10/2025 22:46

Readyforslippers · 11/10/2025 06:14

You may not have been bothered about having children, but you still chose to. I can't imagine doing this to them and sorry but I do think it is selfish.

Edited

But fine for a bloke to do it!! Which century are we in now?

Lockdownsceptic · 12/10/2025 22:41

Gwenhwyfar · 12/10/2025 21:06

No, they wouldn't. Plenty of men work away, armed forces for one.

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Yes plenty of men do work away but ask Mumsnet to comment when they are contemplating it and the overwhelming response will be that he is being selfish.

M103 · 12/10/2025 22:38

Go for it!!!!

Lockdownsceptic · 12/10/2025 22:34

Youcannotbeseriou · 10/10/2025 23:56

13 years ago I got married and I gave up my dream career to raise two DCs. DH was desperate for kids, I wasn’t hugely bothered. Fast fwd to now, everyone is happy apart from me.
However, I have been offered a place on a masters conversion course that would see me into a new career.
Trouble is all the universities that offer these courses are at least a 3 hour drive away. They are full time training courses 4/ 5 days a week. I already work part time in the field and love it and know I’ll love it as a qualified professional, but for 2 years it could mean living away from everyone mid week. I’m late 40s so time isn’t on my side to wait.

DH made clear he/ they are staying put. I don’t want to leave them, but I’m so unhappy at the moment as have no career and hate where we live. This would mean I can at least have a career I love again.

yabu- don’t be ridiculous, you have commitments and children. You can’t do this conversion course for 2 years away from them.
yanbu- they’ll be fine and adapt for 2 years. Go for it!

It won’t be easy but it is not impossible. You can come home at weekends and for the holidays. Do it now while you are still young enough to benefit.

Woofie7 · 12/10/2025 22:32

And just think no hunting school holiday care. Although you will have revision to do. Go for it . You will all soon find your new steps and there is a chance you will finish early domestically Fridays etc

ChaliceinWonderland · 12/10/2025 22:32

Your boys need you. No way would j leave my 2 all week.,not unless my dh was literally superman. Is he superdad? Can he do everything? House, admjn, kids etc? I would wait till they've finished y11.

jbm16 · 12/10/2025 22:03

ChickpeaCauliflowerSalad · 11/10/2025 00:58

You gave up your career to raise the kids and he worked sway, but he won't contemplate moving closer to where you need to go to uni?

The only reason I'd let that go is I wouldn't want to move the kids, so it makes no real difference, except knowing what a selfish twat he is.

i dont think its ideal, but life often isn't & you just have to make the best if it. Regular FaceTime with the kids, them
havinv (licked down!!) phones they can message you on. Being home as much as humanly possible & finding z good balance if family time v study time.

She said he was supporting her doing the course, but not moving 3 hours away, I think that is fair enough, why would you uproot teenage children from their schools for a 2 year course? Letting her commute is the sensible solution for me.

jbm16 · 12/10/2025 22:00

SirBasil · 11/10/2025 00:43

overly dramatic. She will be away during the week and their father will be there all the time.

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It's her lived experience, who are you to say it's overly dramatic...

Marchitectmummy · 12/10/2025 21:57

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 12/10/2025 16:34

I’m late 50s and see women being promoted and supported to move into roles they deserve. I appreciate what you’re saying but I’d never dissuade a woman from following her chosen career path based on her age or sex. Would you say the same to a man?

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Yes I would this isn't about being a female although let's face it with the masses of publicity about menopause and affect on brains it doesn't exactly help us appear an attractive option in our 50s. What you are describing of people being promoted in their 50s is different to starting on a path in your late 40s/ early 50s.

Whether male or female choosing to study a masters in late 40s to try to enter a career path they haven't been on before at the sacrifice of time with family, risking their marriage through lack of presence and leaving the part time job they enjoy - yep would absolutely not advise it.

I don't know what profession the OP is in but I am an architect and partner in my practice and my husband a surgeon. Neither of those professions would welcome in a newly qualified person in their late 40s over a person late 20s / 30s. Entry level roles which seems to be where the OP is pitching go to young people. Whether that is fair or not, right or not isn't the debate. I'm just explaining my experience and basing my advice on that.

Jochef · 12/10/2025 21:57

Youcannotbeseriou · 10/10/2025 23:56

13 years ago I got married and I gave up my dream career to raise two DCs. DH was desperate for kids, I wasn’t hugely bothered. Fast fwd to now, everyone is happy apart from me.
However, I have been offered a place on a masters conversion course that would see me into a new career.
Trouble is all the universities that offer these courses are at least a 3 hour drive away. They are full time training courses 4/ 5 days a week. I already work part time in the field and love it and know I’ll love it as a qualified professional, but for 2 years it could mean living away from everyone mid week. I’m late 40s so time isn’t on my side to wait.

DH made clear he/ they are staying put. I don’t want to leave them, but I’m so unhappy at the moment as have no career and hate where we live. This would mean I can at least have a career I love again.

yabu- don’t be ridiculous, you have commitments and children. You can’t do this conversion course for 2 years away from them.
yanbu- they’ll be fine and adapt for 2 years. Go for it!

When my mum was 50 she decided to retrain as an Educational Psychologist.

She got a place at Newcastle University - every Sunday night she would leave and come back Friday night.
My dad (who can’t make toast) survived and my 2 sisters and I survived, she qualified and December last year was awarded her PhD at Manchester University

The point I’m trying to make (badly) is that you must do what you want. It’s your life too.

RustedOver · 12/10/2025 21:48

Men do this all of the time, to be honest, go for it… !!
Get the kids onside and good luck with everything.

I met a lovely lady Consultant on the train once, her family were grown, but she commuted and lived with extended family during the week in London, before returning home for the weekend.

It can be done.

Penelopeandherpitstop · 12/10/2025 21:31

Unrealnotunrealistic · 11/10/2025 03:01

Are you from the Netherlands?

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Everyone has commented with all kinds of opinions and perspectives for OP, but I noticed this comment and was curious about what prompted this question about whether the OP is from the Netherlands...? What in the OP's post is suggesting she's from/in the Netherlands @Unrealnotunrealistic I have no idea whether she is or not from the info in her post (Mumsnet is obviously majority British and this seems most likely since OP didn't include her location in her OP but she could be in a different country). Would her masters and career direction would have more likelihood of successful career prospects in the Netherlands?

Unless this was a wrong thread question of course!

smilingontheinside · 12/10/2025 21:30

As a woman well on her way to the role she wanted when she got pregnant I'd say do it now when you have a second chance. My exh wanted kids, the pregnancy was not planned but it happened. My career was put on hold as my exh was no help at home/with childcare and the role was too much with the extra responsibilities. Had second child whilst at a lower level in my chosen career as had to step down and carried on with life, work, kids etc. Kids got married etc and I decided to get a divorce. Fast forward to now, retired, remarried and happier than I have been for years. Don't resent my kids but do resent losing the position I had through lack of support from my spouse. Your kids are not little, you will not be away for 2 whole years and the benefit to you will benefit them in the end. Do it, while you have the chance. In 5+ years time your kids will be out doing their thing and won't give you a second thought. Grab it now, life is too short.

Orpheya · 12/10/2025 21:18

I also know someone whose husband came home on Saturday night only and went not sure where on Monday morning

And I know a family of marines who took turn each to he for 6 months at sea

Orpheya · 12/10/2025 21:10

I know someone who left a husband and two small kids to do a PhD, lived with me in the halls as mature student ..she couldn't stand the fact she is just a housewife....not sure what happened to her