To leave DH and kids to do this

In another three years, both your children will be teenagers and will be becoming more independent which means wanting less of your company in most cases. In six short years, the eldest is quite likely to be leaving home. How will you feel then if you have passed up this opportunity?

When will you actually be away, Sun to Thursday or something else? So how much of the week will you be home? Will it be normal uni timetable or a longer course. Will DH have to deal with massive out of school commitments for the kids or just a few normal things that could even be moved around?

I had a dad who travelled abroad for periods of time when I was small and it was hard on my mum but I think this is different. My dad was almost a stranger when not travelling, coming home after we were in bed most days so everything at home was on her all the time.

As long as you are doing your bit when home and able to spend time as a family it should be fine. You don’t want to start resenting your life or your husband which will have a negative impact at home. Your happiness and enthusiasm will hopefully have a positive impact. I think how it’s presented to the kids will also have an impact as well as how they see DH being about it. It’s a positive not a negative.

My mum left school by 16 and barely had any qualifications. She went back to school (luckily close by) in her mid 40’s while working and raising us. It gave her something for herself and we could see the positive impact on her. It would be very disappointing if your DH isn’t supportive or grumbles about it especially as he has travelled for work leaving you at home.

Aren’t masters usually one year full time and two part time?? Could you speak to tutors and ask if you could attend remotely? But either way, I agree , do it. You e been dutiful for a decade. Time for you to balance your own needs with theirs. Great example to set the kids, they’ll be absolutely fine. Ditch the guilt and be excited about it )easier said than done obvs!)

A man would do it in a heartbeat

Just to add, when I was doing this - over a quarter of a century ago now - there was no FaceTime or the like. Just old fashioned landline phone calls. We coped, but it is so much easier now.

Do it! It’s a short term pain for long term gain. Your kids will be fine!

And. Just because you explain to them, doesn’t mean they have to just accept their mum doing this. The fact that other people or men do this is so irrelevant. It wasn’t done in the op’s home by either of them so explaining this to the kids mean F all.

In all the years my dh worked away no one ever suggested I need a cleaner.
How sexist. Her dh can clean, I’m sure op did when her dh was working away.

Its term time only, for just two years, and potentially only 3 nights away a week. If you can afford it, factoring in the costs of accommodation and feeding yourself while away, then go for it! Make sure you spend plenty of time with your children on the days you are at home, and keep in contact with them while you're away (video calls, texts etc.) and make your future better.

My previous job had several people who lived in during the week because their commutes were too long, and they managed it ok with their families, was pretty common in the industry because the experts tend to be spread around the country but the areas to work are very limited.

The words that jumped out at me from your post are ‘unhappy’ ‘no career’ ‘hate’ and ‘leave’. Also a sentence where you say you were not ‘bothered’ about children but DH was. And something of a pervasive sense of low level bitterness towards the DH who carried on with his life while you gave up your career.

I think it would be worth trying to investigate- maybe a few sessions with a therapist of some sort?- whether the real issue here is that at some unacknowledged level - despite saying the opposite!- you just want to leave your family. Whether you see this as a chance to start again, a kind of rebirth as a student, without being burdened by children & responsibilities. If so, how realistic is this?

Even if this is not what is going on, how do you see this working out in practice? For instance: where will you live? Alone, or in university accommodation? Or a house share or with extended family? Will you socialise in the evenings? Will you cook for yourself in the evenings? Will you decorate your home (it will be a home)? Will you in fact want to come back every weekend? Might you find yourself saying ‘well spending time with coursemates is important; I should stay in [insert place name] this weekend’? Will your children come to stay with you in the university town sometimes? How will you feel if DH makes new friends in your absence? Will you keep in touch with the mothers’ school WhatsApp group? Will you try to be aware of your children’s daily timetables, homework, etc? Will you go to parents’ evenings?

Have you thought through in detail what your experience will be like and how it will affect your relationship with your children?

Women are allowed to decide to leave their families! But I think it would be worth probing a little more into at some level this is what’s going on here - or if it is what is going to happen after a year or so if you go down this route.

(Incidentally I would ask the same questions of a man in this position. I think we all know that in many cases - not all- where the man lives away from home for a proportion of the time, he’s opting out & the relationship suffers as a result.)

Are you children girls or boys?

If girls, how will you deal with the firsts? Periods, boys, social media/cyber bullying, general anxiety and early adolescence? 12-14 and even 10-12 can be difficult to navigate phases for girls in 2025 - much more so than when we were growing up.

It's challenging to address these on a weekends only basis, but doable depending on their character.

If boys, your husband can handle most of the challenges around behaviour, self-confidence, social media, and not falling prey to toxic masculinity.

As a child of a mother who didn’t bother with a career and just had kids … do it.

Do it. You only get one life and you've got a lot of it left to live. If you were a man, you probably wouldn't even think about it. Two years is such a short time in the long run and university terms are relatively short.

Just make sure you are fully present for the kids and DH at the weekend.

It’s no different to having a job that means you travel part of the week. As you said your dh did it. Why shouldn’t you? You can face time every night and come home ideally Thursday night- Sunday. Try to do you work in the week so you can be with your family when home

My dad did similar when I was around that age. I didn't really think much about it at the time just accepted it. In the long term it led to a much better career for my dad and life for us all. In the very long term, now I'm an adult and mum I am incredibly proud of him for doing it. It can't have been easy for him or my mum but it had a massive positive impact on us all.

Do it. I assume it is ultimately more money and a more fulfilling career.

Dh is supportive. Money to do this is not a problem.

Stop being a martyr when no one requires you to be one. You will be away during the week for only half the year, and at home during the holidays and term breaks. And every weekend.

Put the guilt away - it's not helping anyone. Not your dc, your dh or you. Make your decision and throw all your positivity and energy behind it. Go, go, go.

Can you reach out to the uni and ask for some more info about the exact schedule before you make a final decision?

With a 3 hour drive I would be crossing my fingers that you could commute in on a Monday morning and back on a Friday afternoon.

Id also be crossing my fingers that there are a couple of reading weeks in the year without lessons which you could do from home.

So, realistically not too many weeks away and fully available when the kids are on holiday sounds ok for me at those ages.

Would DH consider having one night a week where he finishes work a bit early and you meet for dinner half way?

I wouldn't move children either for the sake of a 2 year Masters course, especially if you'll be returning to your current workplace at the end of it. That would be a much bigger transition for them to deal with than you being away midweek for part of the time.

That's a little different though, especially if only ad hoc. Male or female, there hasn't been much mention of how it would actually work, financially, emotionally, logistically. I get you're feeling stuck and never wanted kids, but they're here now and as an equal instigator of the family it is equally your responsibility to provide for it in all of the above ways.

Have you worked out where you would live, how much it would cost, if the family can afford to sustain 2 homes on one salary and 'bursaries', if the kids will have to make any sacrifices due to either less money or only having one parent at home the majority of the time etc.

Won't you miss them?

By all means go for it, but you sound very blasé about it, quite detached, as if life owes it to you because you resent having made the choices you made.

I don't understand people comparing it to work, for me that's quite different to choosing to study. Is the course available as distance learning?

No worse than being shipped off to boarding school at 8 when your parents live in a different country! At least in OPs scenario she will see the DC every week and a minimum of 15 weeks holiday a year!

Id definitely do it! Your kids will be totally fine. It’s only 2 years & you will always regret not going for it. It may seem selfish but I’d want to secure MY future for me. My DD is at uni doing a “full time” 5 day course but she’s only actually at uni all day for two days. One day off & the rest of the week is just an hour lecture.

i think the family should move to enable this.

The dc have to change schools and what happens at the end of the uni course?

I probably wouldn’t. My ex has been away for years working overseas and the kids (young adults now) do still have a good relationship with him. For me the mother’s guilt would stop me, but I certainly wouldn’t judge someone else who did this. Depends on their father I guess, and ability to cope with any emotional dramas etc.

Can your employer help with costs?
Is any of the course doable online so you aren't away as much as you think?

Figure out the financial stuff and the logistics and take it from there.