To leave DH and kids to do this

I did this for the final year of my degree. I'm glad I did because it opened up my career possibilities, but it had its drawbacks. HUGE ones in my case, but it doesn't sound as if you would have the same problems.

My (now) XH promised to support me and to look after my slightly older children. It turns out he wasn't really capable of doing that. Certainly not of supporting me - and I don't mean financially - he was never able to do that. He was completely self-centred and everything was about him, so he could not understand anybody else's points of view, unhappiness, worries etc. I had to manage everything even while I was away from home during the week. I had to organise the shopping, children's appointments, paying the rent, paying bills - everything. And, apart from the basics, he didn't do anything for the children.

I say go for it IF, and only if, you are quite sure that your children won't suffer when you are away. Obviously they will miss you but, apart from that, will they receive all the practical and emotional support and care they need when you are away during the week? And - will your DH step up to do the practical household management tasks that need to be done during the week.

My friend did it in her mid forties. Her husband worked from home. He now has a very strong bond with his children and grandchildren. Think of it as gifting him the opportunity to be with his children at a golden age.

You will find relationships shift in the family when he becomes the primary carer. Kind of put her nose out of joint until she relaxed and went with it

Having been the 12 year old in this situation, I'd say it made me much closer to my mother and more understanding of her as a fellow human being. I think our excellent relationship for the rest of our lives was rooted in that year where I was let grow up a bit and she became more independent and interesting as she also grew.

It would be harder if the children had reached the confrontational teenage hormonal stage - these ones are old enough to do basic self-maintenance, young enough not to blame their nearest and dearest for the travails of puberty.

OP had choices and chose to have DC, take a break from paid work, tolerate her H’s work trips.

OP’s H may or may not he unreasonable not to want the family to move areas for two or more years, depending on his vs OP’s reasons. If for example DC1 is at an excellent secondary school and it’d be hard to get into a good school and good housing in the new area, that’d be stronger reasons than that he personally prefers the current location.

Also very different if overall they’re a good team with a good relationship to a scenario where this is a stepping stone to separation or divorce in the mind of one or both of them. If it’s the latter, DC could experience one parent not being there much, then further changes.

I think it will affect your relationships with your husband and your children, so if you do live way, you should factor in ways you can manage that. Your DH will be the primary care-giver and therefore most likely develop a closer relationship with them, especially as they go into puberty. Your children aren't so little that they will need you all the top, but they will need you in other ways.

I spent quite some time way from home this last year, and these were my considerations. My DD (12) and I are still struggling to get back to our relationship before, despite planning ahead for this eventuality.

You’re actively discouraging a very unhappy OP to do something which would improve not only her own life situation but that of her family too, and based on your own individual situation, which is not OP’s. So people are going to respond accordingly. It’s a huge opportunity and with pretty much the guarantee of advancement from her present employer at the end of it. She sacrificed her career to give her DH the children he so desperately wanted and has supported him working away. Now it’s his turn and if handled properly the children will learn from a degree of increased independence and responsibility, and respect the fact that their mum is an individual, not just a parent.

I think it’s a bit odd to blame your husband and children for not following your career when you’re late 40s, why hadnt you taken the step to do this prior to your mid 30s? Lots of reasons I’m sure, but in your post it feels like you’re blaming them when that obviously isnt true, so I wouldn’t get too self righteous about ‘finally’ doing something for yourself.

Anyway, ours are a similar age and DH is currently working away in the week. Something I always swore we wouldn’t do because it felt like it would be a part time family life and it was awful the short stints we did it when they were younger. But actually this time around it’s been very easy, we are all so busy mid week, and the kids chip in, and we make much more effort on weekends for family time. So I’ve proven myself wrong how it could work.

That said, I’m not sure I could do it, these years are precious, would you have a big drop in income? I’d be worried about quality of life for that reason also.

This is entirely from the perspective of a 13 year old whose dad ended up out of the home 4 nights a week.

There is no personal satisfaction on this planet worth the potential fall out.

The parent at home can become resentful of carrying the major load of the kids. The returning parent can find that upon arriving home they get hit with a wall of complaints by the home parent, and the kids about the home parent, who did what, which transgressions that should be left be get dragged up in time for the weekend/holiday.

Marriages can fray. Perhap temptation, once perfectly resisted by avoiding situations where temptation might occur, can creep in. And not everybody is fab at resisting temptation when they feel resentful, or like a weekend whipping boy/girl.

Not all marriages survive an additional layer of distance and “absence does not always make the heart grow stronger”.

The fall out of a badly frayed marriage, or one that does survive intact is hard enough on kids. Those that had just managed 2 years of parents tussling due to one being out of the home rather a lot, to satisfy their personal priorities might find it even harder.

Child/parent bonds can weaken over time with the not always home parent, especially if it was from parental preference rather than absolute necessity. It can feel like all the stress and ill-feeling was chosen freely, despite the downsides for the young ones with no vote in the matter.

Been there, done that, got the “fall-out” T-shirt.

I’m glad it happened to me, because it gave me insight that helps me avoid certain potential unintended consequences being my son’s life rain. Without those scars to remind me, I can see how a planned path might not illustrate clearly the thorny terrain that may have to be navigated. By all involved.

I love my job. I’m exceptionally good at it. But I can live with being a big fish in a puddle better than I can live with the potential price for my boy if I strike out to swim in the sea with the other big fish.

I dont think ypu can answer this without a lot of thought.

Perhaps you didn't want children. But you have them and you have a responsibility to them, just as their father does.

This could work just fine. Or it might not. I've taught pupils that have parents (mothers or fathers, but mostly fathers) who work away during the week. Some are totally OK with it, some are not.

The ones that are ok:
Have other support e.g. family that help out or paid nannies. This means the kids don't miss out on extra curricular activities etc and still have someone to support homework when needed.
Live in an area with at least some public transport. Again, this helps with activities and socialising.
Are themselves quite busy during the week and have weekends as downtime, so they still get plenty of time with the parent and don't feel their lack during the week.
The parent makes an effort to keep up with news during the week rather than being totally switched off e.g. phones so they can listen/chip in to parents evening, makes it back for concerts as often as possible etc. Basically not making the child feel like a lower priority than work all the time.

So think carefully about your particular circumstances. Would the logistical and financial cost to your children be OK or too much? What support will be in place? How will you keep up with the progress at school, friendship issues etc.

Plenty of people have this arrangement already where one parent works away mon-Fri and comes back at the weekend. Usually the man and it’s usually to London. Most kids that age wouldn’t mind especially these days where you can FaceTime every day.

This is a tough one. You are entitled to get yourself into a career you enjoy and at the same time, if you think it could negatively affect your children, I wouldn't. (I know my eldest couldn't cope with me being away so much).

On a side note, your DH doesn't come across well in this.

Or to play devil's advocate, your children will potentially need you even more as they negotiate teenage years. And you will be missing out on a huge part of that brief time before they leave home.

People are different but I couldn't miss that much of my kids day to day life and would rather wait until they were away at uni to pursue my own studies. Not sure why 'time isn't on your side' you can do a masters at any age.

Assuming you can come back every weekend, be present for your kids and reserve the week for work on your masters I’d do it. It’s not great timing re their ages, but they’re also old enough to understand why you’re doing it.
Uni terms are short too.

Couldn't say how the kids would react? My daughter is 10 and she'd be horrified and devastated at the idea of me being away all week. I don't have the other parent in the house though so I suppose it's different.
You don't mention if you love your kids. People usually say things like 'don't get me wrong I love my children, but...' You don't want to be a parent?

If the dad is hands on then I suppose I'd go in your situation. You seem to have sacrificed yourself here. If the kids wouldn't be bothered you should 100% do it and come back to them a happier and more fulfilled person.

I think that's better than sticking around being miserable. I think if you do this it may help you have a better relationship with your children. I can't relate to your situation at all but I think it's a good idea you go and do this for yourself, honestly.

What? There are soooo many families where the father already does exactly this and no-one says that.

No, it won't be easy for any of you but it's doable and you're right - timing-wise it's now or never. It sounds like your husband mostly gets things his own way in your house (he wanted kids so you had them, you don't like where you live but he's decided you're all staying there and that's that), maybe it's his turn to give a bit.

If this father’s parenting and domestics are excellent and his behaviour is upbeat and ‘level’ most of the time there are still some big downsides and risks for the DC.

If - as seems likely - he has flaws the downsides and risks are greater. (Been there got that t shirt as the DC in this kind of scenario)

Sounds an amazing opportunity it’s only two years and kids are still young. University course Monday to Friday so I would make sure studying done in that time allowing the weekends to be free. Same with the children so you can all enjoy your weekends study free. Also you may find you are only in university 3 days a week. My daughters course is full time but only has lectures 3 days a week.
Do you have any other support network at home could family/friends help out with children so husband has more support? When my children were young my husband worked away Monday to Thursday and I found it very hard but it would have been easier if the children were older but he changed jobs and now works from home.
I hope it all worked out for you sounds like you will be happier.

But surely she’s getting at least the full weekend if she’s away Monday to Friday. And university holidays are like half the year, plus reading weeks etc.

op I think I would be fine with this with kids at secondary age.

chances are depending on lecture times you could maybe even do drop Monday am and be back Friday for dinner!!

Would you say the same thing to a golfer or a cyclist who spends whole weekends away from the family, or those who work long hours and never get home for bathtime or family tea?

So your husband has done something similar during the kids' early years? And you all survived it.

I wouldn't hesitate. It will be fine.

You do realise that everyone thinks being a single parent is incredibly tough and is not a situation that most people aim for in a two parent relationship.

Your instant resentment at my comment rather proves my point that OP’s partner needs to be fully on board.

There will be a cost in your relationship with your kids. Doesn’t need to be bad but your relationship with them will be different and they will become closer to DH. They will always know you chose this over them. I’m not saying it’s the wrong decision for you, but make it with your eyes open.

She is already late 40s, wait another couple of years her kids will be into GCSE years. Wait until those are done. Wait until after A levels. Wait. Wait. Wait. Life is not a dress rehearsal and the opportunity is on the table now. If she doesn't grab it with both hands, it may never come round again.

Of course her husband isn't going to be happy about it, because it means extra work for him. And God forbid that a man should actually have to do the heavy lifting for a family that he wanted. He should be encouraging her to follow her dreams, not trying to hold her back.

The kids will be fine with their father. They aren't being dumped at the poor house door and left to fend for themselves. Some of the attitudes towards women on this thread are utterly depressing.

I think it’s doable but you really need your DH onside. I wouldn’t move the kids for two years if you expect to come back, as trying to apply for school places could be really hard.