To leave DH and kids to do this

You are welcome to make that point however I don't see how my post is in opposition to that as I have been both the child and adult in this situation and support the endeavour.

I don’t believe a man doing something that will improve his career but short term means less time with his family, is him behaving poorly. If the correct support network is there for the children, that’s what matters. There are all sorts of careers when men and women see their family less for a variety of reasons, we don’t suggest only childless people should do them. This isn’t about whether the OP should do it alone, it’s about whether as a family it is do-able. And with children that age, it should be.

If the kids are in a position where they need their mum and not their dad, then it’s about time they all learned that dad is there for them too.

Or he's thinking about what's best for the children. Uprooting a 10 and 12 year old, making them move away from their friends and schools is a big thing. It would also mean he'd have to leave his job potentially and he's the breadwinner. Someone has to think about the practicalities.

Yeah but that doesn’t really matter. Of the kids don’t like it, it’s on DH to do better.

@Youcannotbeseriou I have a friend who did similar when her kids were a wee bit older than yours.

She basically told her husband, this is what’s happening, this is what you need to do. He didn’t like it but he did do it. She got her masters and a new career.

He absolutely can’t refuse to move and also refuse to do anything to help. You tell him it’s your turn now and he just needs to get on board. If you really want it, go for it.

You seem to blame everyone and take no responsibility for your choices. And now it’s not working out you’re off but feeling “guilty”

I think how my kids would react at those ages. They needed me at home. I don’t care if someone thinks it’s no different mum or dad, for me it was. And to an extent it still is.

What is the long term plan with the fact you hate where you live and your husband refuses to move himself or the children? Is the marriage solid, or should you be reading anything into his determination that he and the children stay put, despite what you think or want?

I would worry the 3 hour commute each way would really eat into your weekends. It's all very well saying you can come home but 6 hours of travelling to be at home only really Sat and some of Sun is a lot as a "normal way of working". The impact on the children depends a lot on what your and your husband's relationships are with them.

It is difficult without knowing your field but I wonder if there is an allied field that you could train in closer to home? Eg if optometry could you do audiology instead, that kind of thing? It really as "all or nothing" as all that?

The fact that your husband worked away a lot makes it "fairer" that you do too, but whether the children complain or not, it's still double the impact on them over only having had one parent work away.

There is a lot of hidden power in setting the agenda. I am just a bit worried that there is an unequal power dynamic here, and where there should be collaboration, compromise and listening to each other your husband is controlling the boundaries of the debate so the only options that appear open to you are the ones that are easiest for him. This may be unfair, you can judge better than me.

But op will be home every weekend, so the kids won't be going for months without seeing their parent.

Kids will be fine if parents are openly supportive and encouraging of each other. If a parent or others around imply mummy/ daddy mustn’t care or love them enough to not be able to stay at home until they are grown then the kids will of course be unhappy.

My point is that the OP's DH just needs to act like a responsible and thoughtful parent. Which a lot of women just get on with doing.

The impact on children is likely to be a positive one in terms of finances, and also to model for them career fulfilment and ambition, hard work, and how to sustain healthy family contact when family members are separated.

I would, it’s only going to be 2x 9 months and long uni holidays plus reading weeks. Travel early Monday and home Friday.
I know a couple of people (men) who do this at work, stay near work 3-4 nights a week then weekends at home, nobody bats an eye when it’s a Dad doing it. Also plenty of kids of divorced parents see them both part time, some parents work away like on oil rigs, armed forces etc, you can make it work.
You can video call the kids every night.

If your DH is on board then I'd say go for it. Some PPs have said if it was a man you'd call him out for being selfish but I don't think many would. Lots of jobs/careers take people away from the home for days at a time on a regular basis also working for airlines, pilots and cabin crew who are often women so they are away from their families for days at a time on a regular basis and that's with no long school holiday breaks in between.

I don't think someone who works away from home and DCs has the monopoly on Mum (or Dad) guilt. Working long days with DCs in wrap around care and barely enough time in the day to bath them and put them to bed is tough too. But so many of us do it or have done it.

We shouldn't feel guilty about working to support our families whatever our chosen career might be.

Go for it OP.

Dunno. Why? Is there a competition to behave as poorly as some men? You are welcome to pursue that dichotomous debate. My interest lies in the impacts on children.

I’ll guess it’s an NHS course so clinical placements will mean the academic year is a lot longer. However, once you’ve finished, am I right in thinking there will be a job waiting for you locally? In that case, I would have a family ‘conference’ and explain how things will work. Your dh has to be on board of course. Explain your reasons to him and give him time to come round. It’s doable-many people all over the world don’t see their children during the week-but it’s a sacrifice from all of you. However, if your lives would improve by the end, it could be worth it.

Do it. Your kids are old enough to understand and I’m guessing getting more independent so they don’t need you by their side constantly, it’s not like you’re going to be in another country, and terms are fairly short really. If you’re unhappy and continue to be then this will impact them more negatively than you being away for a couple of days a week for half of the year for a year or two.

Well yes because both need to be well thought out and planned not just one person claiming the other would be destroying their dreams.

here the DH has sensibly set out his parameters for it to work which is not moving and the OP spending part of the week away - something he is prepared to step up and facilitate during the werk

Better career benefits everyone.
She is a person , your life and identity don’t end because you have kids.

How many men would hesitate?

But rather than saying men wouldn’t hesitate so women shouldn’t either, I think we ought to be arguing that men should hesitate.

I wonder how many men who work away or are thinking about it would agonise over whether they had a robust social network to help keep the children feeling engaged, valued, and having someone to talk to, and how many would not even think about it and all that would fall to their wife/female partner.

Bit of a different situation though, it's in a field she's already working in, her employer is enthusiastic about having her back in the new higher qualified role, and it's definitely only two years, it's a much less unpredictable decision. And she's already supported him to do what he wants for years, including the bulk of the parenting/domestics while he worked away. What's good for the goose and all that...

Is this a reverse of the other thread on here, where the wife is worried about the husband wanting to jack in what he does to restrain for something he has 'always wanted to do' leaving her the main earner etc for a nebulous number of years?

Very different tone of responses amusingly.

That would be in the midst of the younger one's exam years, so if you're taking that attitude she'd have to wait at least 8 years, by which time she'd be mid to late fifties and there'd be little point.

Do it OP, you'll still be around for a significant chunk of each week, and all the holidays, your kids will adapt and your husband can take his turn shouldering the domestic load to allow you to progress your career, just like you did for him. I agree with him that moving doesn't make sense, given that you anticipate coming back to your existing employer, but you can make it work between you.

But if she waits that long she will be nearly 60 then another two years befire she'd be qualified.

I think it would be better to do it now and then she will be back to support the oldest as they are starting their GCSE subjects.

Imagine for a moment that the situations were reversed and your DP was offered this same opportunity, to train for something he wanted, a training that would mean him being away from the home for two or three days a week during University terms. Would he hesitate? Would you support him? No and Yes are probably the answers to those questions.

She can still give parental support, there are telephones, video calling, text messages and she’ll be home every weekend. They also have a father who can give support.

No they shouldn’t. It’s fair less disruptive for the children to stay at home and have their mum away 3/4 nights a week than to have their whole lives uprooted.

@Youcannotbeseriou I think you should go for it.