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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder if my daughter is normal…

82 replies

HappinessLasts · 10/10/2025 22:20

I absolutely adore DD, but find her character really interesting. She can be so challenging at times, but also so loving and very creative in all that she does. She is 10 and is my 2nd child.

Im going to describe her as best I can in a few paragraphs.

At school, she is well behaved and compliant. In fact, she gets quite bothered by people who aren’t working hard. On that note, in her free time she is very self motivated, and can learn absolutely anything with a YouTube tutorial. It must be things of her own choosing and I can’t get involved.

If something is someone else’s idea, this will put her off choosing that option. For instance, if she wad choosing a cake for her birthday, and someone said “this one looks nice”, whilst pointing to one, she then wouldn’t be able to choose that one.

She makes friends very easily, and little children adore her, but she gets really overwhelmed if these people become clingy and they aren’t one of her favourites. She doesn’t like it when people she knows well look different to normal - if I had my hair restyled, did my makeup differently, or something like that, it would cause her distress.

Her emotions are of the extreme, and she can still have the occasional outburst. However, she is very affectionate and kind hearted. For example, she gives me a cuddly toy for me to take to bed every night.

She has a huge imagination and writes loads of stories in her spare time. However she can’t handle anything remotely scary. Certain facial expressions - like me having my eyes wide open with a surprised expression causes her distress. No reason behind this, although I think it might be linked to her not liking me looking different to my most common expressions.

She is funny, has a great sense of humour, and loves to make people laugh. She would stand at the centre of any room and speak confidently to any audience.

I find her personality and quirks interesting. She is just so different to me. She has been a more challenging child to raise than my eldest, who is more similar to me in certain regards.

I feel like understanding her has been and continues to be a challenge, as I feel like I’m navigating through a maze and I don’t know what’s around the next corner.

Can anyone relate? Are these traits what we would call “normal”?

OP posts:
Orpheya · 10/10/2025 22:41

She is NT , not ND. She sounds HSP - highly sensitive person which 30% of the NT brains are.

vincettenoir · 10/10/2025 22:38

I think a lot of this sounds pretty common, including the extreme emotions. My dd has real highs and lows. I think it’s also quite common to be contrary and not want to choose what others suggest. The one thing that makes me pause is what you described about her not liking people changing their hair or their look. That’s not something I’ve encountered before and I think that’s unusual.

Hacklicker · 10/10/2025 22:37

The things you say about not being able to choose an option that someone else has recommended, or that you can't direct her to certain tutorial etc, are things I experience as a result of my ADHD (formally diagnosed etc.). For me, any kind of suggestion about what I should do or might like feels like intolerable pressure to
'perform' in a way other people expect, and it sends my brain into shutdown.

I am absolutely not suggesting your daughter has ADHD, it is so far from my place (or anyone other than an expert) to diagnose - just saying there is a wide spectrum of ways in which people's brains can be wired, and those are traits I recognise!

It's a double edged sword for me - it makes me prickly and difficult, which I don't like, but also very resistant to peer pressure or being led, which is a kind of strength of character.

Cynic17 · 10/10/2025 22:36

How on earth do you define "normal", OP? We're all different - imagine how boring it would be if we were all the same!
Your daughter has her own distinctive personality - good for her. She may not confirm to what you consider "normal", but so what? She is herself - just as you are yourself.

MyCatPrefersPeaches · 10/10/2025 22:32

With the caveat that I’m no psychologist, she sounds as though she may be neurodivergent to me. She sounds absolutely wonderful!

There’s something about her independence and autonomy, and not being able to choose something if someone tries to direct her, that makes me think of demand avoidance. Have you read anything about autism in girls? It may well not be - but you might find it interesting to read about it and see if any of it resonates.

Would you say these quirks cause her difficulties? You say about finding her challenging and I totally understand, but do you get the impression that she finds everyday life (in particular school) challenging?

Original poster
HappinessLasts · 10/10/2025 22:32

Also, in school she presents much differently from home. They would be shocked to see her outbursts. But I have been reassured this is perfectly normal, as home is a child’s safe space.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappinessLasts · 10/10/2025 22:24

Sorry - I’ve just re-read my post and realised how awful the word normal sounds here. I totally know that no two children are the same. I have just found DD particularly challenging, as I feel like I can’t parent her due to her nature. I suppose I was wondering if these traits are normal, more so than wondering if DD is normal.

OP posts: