To wonder if my daughter is normal…

Your DD is just like me as a child. I don't think she is ND, she's just a highly-sensitive person. And my DD is exactly the same as me. Extreme emotions...yes. Liking to be different...definitely. I hated being the same as other people...I even chose to support a different football team from the rest of the family, which caused much disdain. I remember my Mum saying to me "You just want to be different." Yes she was right, and what's wrong with that? At school my teachers always said that I didn't suffer fools gladly. I was also very affectionate and for a while I suffered from separation anxiety, as did my DD.

My DD and I don't like scary stuff either. I can't watch the news because it upsets me, especially stuff about children or animals. We can't watch those animal charity adverts either...if one comes on, I have to change the channel. My DD can always tell when I am upset about something...like your DD, she questions me when my facial expressions change...she says "are you all right Mum?" many times a day.

Being a highly-sensitive person is an advantage in many ways. I have an exceptionally good memory. I am a great judge of character. And nobody could ever scam me...I can spot a scam straight away. A disadvantage is that I find it difficult to trust people.

Don't expect your DD do be like you, just accept that she is different and give her plenty of support. She will be fine.

Those saying "it's normal", "she's like everyother 10 year old", "I did this and I'm NT" etc would be the same posters on different threads saying that a 10year old or younger child should grow up and stop behaving like a baby if someone posted something like this about their NT child.

But here, because it's alluding to ND, some posters are being deliberately contrary and acting like it's normal for NT 10 year old children to be in distress if their parent changes hairstyle or makeup or facial expressions; habitually chooses something else because someone else likes the same thing or said it would look nice; struggles to learn anything or maintain friendship unless it's of interest; and gives them a cuddly toy to take to bed. I'll bet there's more that OP hasn't written if she's talking about her being challenging.

I know that people believe "everyone and everything is now ND" but let's just stop acting obtuse.

Edited to add: I'm not saying she's autistic or not by the way but those things combined aren't typical behaviour for her age. They could just be traits and she still wouldn't be ND. OP won't know unless she's assessed. If it's causing problems, then I'd encourage speaking to the GP or school SENCO.

Wow. Sorry to be absolutely no help, but came here to say that this sounds just like me as a title girl. The only thing that bothers me now is hyper-independence. I can’t shake it!

She sounds completely 'normal', to me, if that's a thing, which I don't personally think it is! Imagine if we were all the same, how incredibly boring life would be.

It concerns me that we're so quick to label any difference in personality as neurodivergence. People can also have traits that exist in neurodivergence without being themselves ADHD, autistic etc. If you read the lists of traits for these, a lot of them apply to a lot of us. I don't think being resistant to peer pressure for example or choosing what others suggest means anything, beyond being quite headstrong and independent-minded and good for her - that's a real quality! I think perhaps in future we'll come to realize that there is no such thing as neurotypical, in fact there are specialists that already argue that.

Just saying that she's very similar with those quirks to my diagnosed audhd teen with pda.

I totally agree with this.They usually cope in primary.

Fall apart in secondary. Often in the exam years. And then you’ve got a real problem in your hands.

Assess sooner rather than later

I disagree with this. If you suspect ASD or ADHD, start the process now. Many parents of ND children provide a strong framework to help their children and basically have a rolling system of adjustments in place, long before they even realise/suspect their child is ND because they recognise that they need a bit of extra support. That can work fine when they’re small, but when the teenage years arrive and they naturally want some independence, all sorts of problems can arise. Better to be prepared for those than have them land on you. You will wait years for an assessment. You fill in the forms with as much detail as possible. If it is considered that there is not enough evidence to suggest ASD/ADHD, the referral will not be pursued anyway. And if there is sufficient suggestion of ASD/ADHD, your child will be on the (very long) waiting list for assessment.

Sounds like a fairly typical 10 year old to me. IME, most:

• Are better behaved at school than at home.
• Watch YouTube to learn things.
• Start asserting their own preferences and can sometimes become contrary if they feel others are suggesting to, or guiding, them.
• Make friends easily but aren’t keen on people clinging to them. As above, they start to assert independence.
• Have the odd outburst at home but are still very loving and can be more childlike at times (wanting cuddles etc)
• Have a strong imagination and will be creative: writing, drawing, building or still playing imaginary games with figures etc.
• Are different to their siblings, in both behaviour and preferences, either naturally or to assert independence (see above).

Distress at a change of appearance or expression may be not be so typical. But depends what’s meant by ‘distress’. If it’s an eye-roll and OTT: “mum, what have you done to your hair”, could be beginnings of teenage parent-cringe. If she bursts into tears and shakes uncontrollably, could be something more atypical.

Also depends on how and why you had your eyes wide open in a surprised expression. Was it because you were shocked at something and she was anxious about what was happening rather than your expression, e.g. were you surprised to find a spider and she was scared of the spider?

Most parents feel they’re navigating a maze without a map or manual. Keeps things exciting! All parents worry about their kids. It’s natural. But looks like you have no cause for concern. IME you have to simply adapt to who they are and what they prefer, while of course setting expectations about acceptable behaviour. They’re all different.

She sounds great, and not typical/average.
Glad you recognise that "normal" isn't a helpful word.
You might find it useful to read up on neurodivergence, including demand avoidance.

It sounds like she has some autistic traits and masks well. If she is reasonably happy and managing well outside the home, there is no need to diagnose. You sound like you know how to manage her and bring the best out of her. I would not be concerned at this stage, but if you find her behaviour becomes harder to manage in her teens, then I think you have enough to seek support and a diagnosis.

Brilliantly put.
The child is lucky to live "nowadays".
I'm 46 years old and the result of being similar to this girl when a kid is myself being no contact with nearly everyone in my country of origin.
No regrets, though.
Yes, the kid is normal.
And rather special!

Are you so flippant about other professional diagnoses? Or just the ones for neurodivergence?

Yeah I actually did read the whole thing, and OP’s second post. I still don’t think it’s very nice to read.

As I said, she sounds exactly like i was as a child and I'm NT.
Well, I say that...I think I've many ND traits but I'm not bothering with an assessment as a diagnosis wouldn't mean anything. Ive found my ways of successfully navigating the world and I think that is at the crux of a lot of ND discourse....the actual impact is has on you. It would be offensive to me to have a diagnosis and be seen the 'same' as people who are crippled with ND and will never life a life without significant support....

Yes hi 👋

Oh, I see the 'label' brigade have turned up.

How about thinking that she’s just who she is without labelling her?

Your daughter sounds lovely. Why the need to label her? Do you think she needs more support in her daily life?

I’m not going to berate you for the use of the word normal- you have already addressed that! She sounds a lot like my daughters; one has ADHD and the other has ASD and ADHD. Well worth asking for a referral to see if that’s the case with your daughter. Both mine are usually ok at school (one has left, the other still there) but mask all the time and implode at home.

My eldest is very similar yto your daughter. She's 6. We think she has autism and adhd. She's been referred to CAMHs by the GP and school.

I changed to YANBU as you know your child best, just probably haven't articulated the issue well

Sounds like a touch of the ol' "Neuro-D" to me. But she also just sounds like a quirky character, which... isn't everyone really?!

yes, my daughter is. She spent about 6 hours repeatedly asking me to take my hair extensions out, after I had them fitted.

*school

She sounds similar to me at that age. Intelligent, imaginative and a little quirky. Fìfty years later, I think l could still be described in this way. My mother, who l love dearly, is a very different personality in many ways - highly intelligent but also non-imaginitive (her own word) and conventional in every way. She finds my perfect pitch intriguing but when I try to describe my synesthesia, she thinks it is a bit weird. She uses the word flamboyant to describe my dress sense and personality. I know she thinks l am more than a little eccentric.

The end of primary schoo is also when adolescence is beginning; even when there are no outward physical signs, there are often emotional changes taking place. This very often leads to huge fears, which seem irrational to adults but are all too real to older children. It is a normal stage of development but I remember it well. Perhaps this is what ìs happening to your daughter. I know that getting diagnoses for different neurodiversities is very much the thing àt the moment. Obviously, for many people it is necessary but I think we sometimes leap to thinking something is a condition rather than accepting that quirks of personality are part of what makes each of us unique. Unless there are major concerns about how your daughter is coping with life, l think l would leave well alone for the time being while being quietly watchful. I have realised in later life that I have mild dyspraxia but have to never felt the need for a diagnosis. It is enough to know that this explains certain things.