Bedroom dilemma

DS11 has his own room

DS16 has a room, with an extra bed in it that DS19 can use when he and DD18 are both there at the same time

Then you have a spare room, which DD18 can use during the holidays, and DS19 can use the rest of the year.

Don't really see any other solution except a bigger house..

Where did OP say her DP’s kids are both home regularly. The older one only visits once or twice a week and at 19 it’s only going to get less. The 16 year old is there at weekends and school holidays, so realistically you’re going to have two rooms standing empty most of the time. It’s not unreasonable to ask two siblings of the same sex to share the biggest room so that the other two siblings who are different sexes can have their own rooms. For OP’s kids this is their only home - their dad doesn’t have a bed for them - while DP’s two have their own rooms at their mum’s so it’s not as though they never have privacy, and the younger one will have the room to himself most of the time anyway.

Because this is MN and it’s traditional to ignore the updates and wade in with inappropriate advice that bears no relation to what the OP has said 😀

Moving to a different area would most likely have a much bigger impact for all the children concerned than a 19 year old having to share a room with his 16 year old brother occasionally.

The OP says they can't afford a 5 bedroom property so I don't know why so many people are assuming they can but haven't tried.

My kids are my world and will always be my priority. I have dedicated my life to looking after them as young dc with very little help, and will continue to support them throughout their lives. But I do think there comes a point when you have to step back and remember that you are a person too. Probably generally speaking when the kids reach adulthood. By this point they are quite literally not children anymore, and while they should always be made to feel welcome in their parents home I don’t think major decisions about buying houses should revolve entirely around their needs and wants.

My dc will always have a home with me no matter how old they are but I’ll be buggered if I’m giving them the biggest bedroom in my home on the off chance they might decide to drop in. By the age of 18 I would largely say your job as a parent is done on a practical level and it’s time to start prioritising your own needs again. This obviously doesn’t apply to the younger dc in this scenario but the 19 year old who stays over once a week and will probably move out completely soon should not be a deciding factor in what house they buy or whether they move in together or not.

Yeah it’ll go down a treat saying my kids should have a room (including a daughter who doesn’t live there most of the year) but your kids should share. Even though they’re here regularly.

You either have both sets of siblings share - or you find a way to create an extra room. If there’s a large master you might be able to put a wall up and second door way and create two small rooms for the adults.

Your daughter has already stopped visiting her father because she doesn’t have a room - unless your goal is to discourage his kids from coming home, they can’t be treated differently to your own.

They can, but it's up to them to decide on what their priorities are.

Do they take away a young adult child's own room before that child feels emotionally ready to sever the ties with home?

Do they choose a cheaper home/area or even just take the time to find a more flexible property that works for everybody?

They each have a 3-bedroom house to sell, so that will surely release a lot of funds. Loads of 4-bed houses will have more than one reception room downstairs (or even a garage), so one of them can easily be considered/used as a young adult child's own bedroom until such time as they feel confident to leave it behind - after which it can be reclaimed as a reception room.

In fact, it can also be frequently 'borrowed' when the child is not there for all manner of uses; but the difference is that it is still essentially and primarily their bedroom and not a 'spare room' that they are allowed to bunk in.

There are achievable options that will work well for everybody, if they actually want to do that.

So, the OP and her partner who have been together for 6 years can't move in together until her partner's 19 year old son decides he doesn't need his own bedroom at each one of his parents' houses anymore?

Yeah, I know it's semantics really; but I just hate the suggestion that we see so commonly on here that, because a child has their own bedroom with the parent they spend most of the week with, the bare minimum is absolutely fine for the rest of their time when they're at the other parent's house.

And yes, he could be renting a room of his own at his age; but he isn't. 19 is still a very young adult and a great many people at that age are not ready or confident to be fully independent.

As I said upthread, I think it should be led by the young adult child when they feel ready to properly sever the ties with home and fully move out - which, considering that many young people who go to university don't graduate and leave (with their own full-time home as opposed to term-time accommodation) until a minimum of 21, seems unnecessarily young to insist on or push for/expect by 19.

A sacrifice doesn't always mean a terribly traumatic ordeal.

They previously each had a room to call/consider their own and now they won't - because their parents want to live together in a house where they will now no longer all have their own room.

I would say:

DS11 (is with me 90% of the time) - should get own room

These two share a room:
DS16 (with him every weekend and every school holiday)
DS19 (with him ad hoc - maybe once or twice a week)

DD18 (is at uni but stays with me 100% of the holidays) - gets own room when back for hols, but until she graduates and you know more what her plans are try and keep it as a more general room so it can double as an extra space for the boys if they are struggling to share. Otherwise it's a bit unfair to block a whole room for your DD who won't be there for weeks on end.

All the boys have their own rooms.

DS19 keeps his room tidier, like a guest room. And there is a cupboard for DD.
In the school holidays DS19 sleeps in with his brother.
DD has the guest room.

I think you are misunderstanding what the word "main" means here.

You can't have two "main" homes. If you have two homes and spend 50% of your time in each one, you have two homes and neither is your "main" home.

If you have two homes and spend most of your time in one of them, the one you spend most of your time in is your "main" home.

The 19 year old doesn't need his own bedroom in each of his two homes, particularly if he has his own bedroom in his main home, where he spends 6 nights per week.

He could also, at his age, be renting a place of his own. Would he still need a permanent bedroom in each of his parents' homes then?

I don't see someone sharing a bed room once a week, or having a bed in a reception room once a week, as a sacrifice!

The main point is whether parents are willing to make sacrifices for their children, or whether they expect their children to make sacrifices for them.

That's not even remotely like what's happening here!

But what about the noisy toy analogy?

What about if a child really wants to go to a club, but taking them is a hassle for the parents - who pay the bills - so they just say No and prioritise what they prefer themselves?

What about if you had a riding-mad child with their own horse that they'd been given from a young age, but daddy decides that he'd like a motorbike for fun weekend jaunts, so the horse is sold to buy his bike - because he pays some of the bills and the child doesn't?

I know people may say it's just semantics, but I really don't like the idea of referring to a child's "main" home, purely on the basis that they live there with one parent more of the time.

To me, your 'main' home is where you are properly resident when, say you have a holiday home or (as an adult) you choose to stay over somewhere in the week nearer to work.

Why should children whose parents have split up only get a 'main' home for part of the week; when other children get to have a permanent 'main' home? Unless one of their parents is just acting in a childminder role when they look after/host them, then the child has two 'main' homes.

That's a crazy analogy. Food is a human right, having your own bedroom to yourself really isn't!

I don't see why them paying rhe mortgage and bills is relevant. We're not a blended family and only have one child, but we still prioritise our child's needs - even though he isn't old enough to earn anything yet and doesn't pay any bills.

When he was little, we didn't stop giving him food so that he couldn't throw any on the floor for us to have to clean up or take away noisy toys that he loved but we found irritating "because WE pay the mortgage and bills and you don't".

That's just what parenting is. If people don't want to have to prioritise or pay for children, they're fully entitled to not have children and not form relationships with partners who have children.

Frame it how you will, but the children losing their own bedrooms is punishing them for one of their parents wanting to be together with somebody else.

Can't your DD's room be used as a general guest room while she's at uni? This would mean that the 19 year old, or any other guest, could stay in it in term-time.
She would be able to have a say in how it was laid out and decorated, but would obviously have to leave it clear and tidy ('guest-ready') when she wasn't there
(with her stuff put away in a cupboard/ wardrobe/ underbed drawers so it doesn't get interfered with but also doesn't clutter the place up).

The 19 year old presumably keeps most of his stuff at his mum's as that is where he lives most of the time, so would just need a chest of drawers or something at your new house. This could be kept in a neutral place (hallway or landing or similar), or in one of the bedrooms (and maybe even be mobile, and moved to whichever room he's sleeping in?).

If he stays over in term-time, there's the guest room. If he turns up during the uni holidays, he shares with his brother for a night, or uses the sofa(bed?) in the living room.

If there's a garden/ outside space, you could also explore the options of installing a shed/cabin or converting the garage...

Pretty sure op won’t be returning given the foul abuse anyway.

It’s one thing to offer an opinion but some of the crude language and flaming of her character/parenting is really depressing to see. All because she’s moving in with someone she’s been in a relationship with for 7 years and is due to marry.

Or maybe he doesn’t actually want to move in so is creating a road block?
Who knows?

Are any of the rooms big enough to separate with a room divider?

Or is he thinking he is not compromising, his sons get a room each and op‘s daughter just doesnt come home. And op shuts up and toes the tine.