Bedroom dilemma

Huh? So where does his younger son live in this scenario?

No. It is her private space.

Kids are home from uni more than than there tbh so she does not want teenage boys having free use of her room.

Op, do the kids want to combine homes has anyone actually asked them?

Yes I think people are missing this point. DP can stay with OP during the week except maybe one night if his eldest comes round. That's perfectly acceptable for another year or two, at which point both the oldest are more likely to be around less and the 16 year old may be at uni.

Bullshit. The only children who will have to share are DPs two - a 16 year old and a 19 year old, so an adult. The younger brother will have the room to himself 5/6 days out of 7. It’s a non issue. No wonder so many children grow up unable to cope with life as adults when they’re pandered to in this way. Change happens. Life happens. You have to be prepared to adapt and be flexible. When these situations are handled sensitively and inclusively, they can teach children tolerance and resilience, and more importantly these days, that they are not the most important person on the planet and need to consider others.

It’s not a question of whether siblings can share bedrooms or of making sure their kids have a bed when they visit.
It’s what message the habitation sends to their children.
Are they important? Are they valued?

How often are the two eldest around? Are they around at the same time?

I would do a bedroom for you and partner, bedroom each for the children who are there most of the time.

Make the last bedroom a guest room that the two older ones can use ad hoc but becomes your DD's in the holidays. Make sure there is some lockable storage for each of them.

Get a sofa bed for when all 4 are there.

Dps ds should share as it sounds that they will generally use the room at different times?

It's totally missing the point when people say there's nothing wrong with siblings sharing a room and that it's normal.

We're talking about children who have grown up not having to share a room, and who are now being told that they'll have to start sharing - purely because their parent has decided that they want to move their bf/gf in.

Ergo, to put it bluntly, they get what they want and you now have to pay the price for that.

For those advocating OP put her plans on hold. The parents have put the relationship on hold for the last six years. The two older children are adults. How long is OP supposed to wait ? DPs two go in the biggest room, which the younger one will have to himself the majority of the time anyway, and OPs two each have a room because they’re opposite sexes. The solution is blindingly obvious, perfectly simple and a non problem which many posters are using to make ridiculous non points about parental responsibility. How on earth is a sixteen year old and a nineteen year old sharing a room for a brief period every week going to psychologically damage them ? It’s handwringing batshit nonsense you only ever encounter on MN.

I find it a bit harsh how many people say "They're adults, they'll be gone soon anyway, so they can just be given something labelled as 'spare' in the meantime".

Hotels are great, but they're still designed to be functional and are not your own home. Yes, you've had a relaxing, enjoyable night; but now it's somebody else's room and you have to pack up and leave promptly. Being able to 'find a room/bed' for a family member who still considers it their own home (at least for a part of their time) or naming the room where they sleep and store a lot of their own stuff as 'spare' is not going to help them feel important.

Even more so if you're either considered 'lucky' because your home is split between two properties; or worse, when both parents treat the fact that you aren't there full-time as justification for you to be an afterthought rather than a focus; talking of our own room 'being wasted' when you're at your other home. University is a bit different, as it's your first foray into the adult world and slowly becoming independent in time; but when it comes to children whose parents are no longer together, it isn't actually the children's choice to no longer have one full-time room in one full-time home.

I think it's easy to overlook the strong emotional needs and feelings of security that young adults rely on. Of course their needs are very different from those of young children, but that doesn't make them any less important. Many will still feel vulnerable and learning their place in the world.

Others may well disagree, but I always think that children/young adults leaving home should be entirely led by them, to make the decision for themselves, in their own good time, with gentle support available for whatever they decide. Naturally, that doesn't mean they're just waited on hand and foot and not expected to play their part in chores, consideration, respect and keeping the household functioning and happy for everybody.

Obviously, if they're still there at 42 with no signs of ever leaving, you might want to 'have a little chat'; but it's horrible for any young adult to feel that their clock in the family is ticking and that they're starting to be seen as a liability who is 'room blocking' and causing problems by not just hurrying up and leaving.

Mumsnet is playing funny buggers and posted my reply twice!

Children are allowed to share rooms, dh shared growing up and it didn’t affect him , plenty of my friends shared too.

id put dd in the smallest room, she is still home for holidays and needs a room, youngest ds gets the next smallest room and the oldest two boys share the biggest room as they are there less.

MN folks are brilliant at coming up with solutions for this sort of thing, but they need an actual house to work with! Buy the right 4 bed and there will be some way to carve out a small extra room somehow by splitting one of the bedrooms, reconfiguring the downstairs, converting the garage. Give the new small room to either your daughter or older stepson.

5 beds are not always that much more expensive than 4 beds - an estate agent advised us against adding a 5th bedroom because they don't add much to the value.

Be prepared to compromise on area a bit and look for a house with as big a footprint as you can, a garage to convert, an unofficial loft room that doesn't have building regs but that you could bring up to spec, a massive master bedroom, a living room that's too long and thin and would be just as functional if you took a slice off the end - lots of possible solutions especially when 1 DC only stays a night or two per week, but none that you can apply to a completely fictional house.

I think you need a five bed but the two youngest get their own rooms as their the most. The fourth is a guest room with decent storage for the elder two. By default your daughter gets it in holidays. His eldest can share with his brother. Really this is just for a few years.

Why ? In this case there are three bedrooms to accommodate four children, two of whom are adults and not there full time. The biggest room for DPs two, which the younger one will have to himself most of the time anyway, and OPs DS and DD get their own rooms. I don’t get all the hand wringing and pearl clutching about asking the two older boys to share on what will only be a part time basis anyway, especially as the older boy is an adult and hardly there.

No need to cancel the wedding but in terms of moving in Together… Yes. Because parents should put their children first while they are still dependents.

The partner can stay at hers Monday to Friday and then just sleep at his on weekends.

It’s really not that big a deal and if the relationship can’t survive two nights a week sleeping in different houses, I would suggest it wasn’t a strong enough relationship to uproot and upset all your children for.

I don't know why some people have an issue with two of these young people being adults. You don't suddenly become totally independent and financially and emotionally self sufficient at 18! And you're still part of the family.

So basically cancel the wedding and put their relationship on hold even further, rather than involve two adult children and an older teen in finding a solution they're all happy with ?

If you can't afford a 5 bed could you wait a few years? Blending families is hard enough without two children ending up sharing a space.

3 who are there the most have their own rooms. The one who is there the least has your room when there and you sleep on a sofa bed in the living room. That's how I'd do it if it were me. All the kids need to feel equally welcome. Even if you can't provide a dedicated bedroom to the one who is there the least, you are showing them you are willing to put yourselves out for them.

I didn’t have a room at my parents’ houses for similar reasons to this when I was 18. I was allowed to stay for uni holidays but I was made to be very sure it wasn’t my bedroom.
It meant when I left uni I had to get any job I could find, any rental I could afford and I had no spare money at the end of the month to save for anything better. I couldn’t afford driving lessons which meant I stayed stuck at the rubbish job for much longer than was ideal.
I was basically stuck, surviving.
The lack of safety net has really impacted me and meant I could only buy my first house at 35.
I would never do that to my children.

‘Sex lives’? What an insulting comment. Why is it so unreasonable for OP to want to move on with their plans after six years ? Three of their children are old enough to be involved in the discussion/solution and it’s not going to be emotionally scarring for DPs two to share the largest room, given that the younger of the two will have it to himself most of the time anyway. MM is utterly batshit sometimes.

100% this - if you can't resolve the issue of space then it's not the right decision to move in together. An 18 year at Uni needs a base, what if Uni doesn't work out and they want to come home?

My DC's have loved coming back to their home after being at Uni. It's provides a sense of security that enables them to launch in a few years.

If you can make your daughter feel welcomed then it's the wrong decision.

@soniiaa in this situation neither of you are wrong.
However maybe it’s best you don’t move on together.

If you can't afford somewhere big enough for all of you right now then how about waiting until DD has left university and has a place of her own? Then a "floating" spare room for occasional visits from DD and older SS will work.

If you move to a place that is too small now, it's going to be worse when DD finishes university if she can't move out immediately and needs to live with you fulltime. Unless the idea is to force her out?