Bedroom dilemma

Same.

Not for much longer.

Ask them then

Are they happy with various scenarios

And if one of them is unhappy, don't do it

I’ll be honest. I wouldn’t be coming back from uni for the holidays to live with my mums random partner and his random boys. I really wouldn’t.

Do we even know if everyone even likes each other?

Sounds like DS19 has a permanent base elsewhere if he is only staying

the odd night with his dad. If so, why would he need a bedroom at the new house?

Then don't do it?

Ridiculous. No one is saying they’re not important, least of all OP, but the fact is that this is the simplest solution and compromise is needed if this is going to work. The relationship is six years old so they’re clearly not strangers to each other and two brothers sharing isn’t unreasonable. OP says her ex does the bare minimum and doesn’t even have a bed for their daughter, so clearly she’s trying to do her best for all concerned.

So you'd be happy to share your house with somebody else not of your specific choosing for one or two days a week?

Or maybe a family member starts a weekend side-hustle, so they now need to use half of your bedroom for admin and storing stock and processing sales. They have to use your bedroom for it, rather than their own, because... reasons... but it's still exclusively yours for most of the week, hey?

After all, you still get it to yourself for 5 or 6 days, so you can just accept that change happens and you need to learn to be tolerant and resilient?

Nobody is saying that children (including those who have ticked over into adulthood) are the most important people on the planet; but they certainly should be very important people (and not considered a problem to have to be dealt with) in their own home.

For another year or two?

What is the difference between a 19 year old not having his own guaranteed bedroom at his dad's house where he sleeps once a week and a 20 or 21 year old not having one?

This.
It would be awful for your daughter not to have a room in either parents house.

You shouldn't be moving in with anyone in such circumstances IMO.

But that’s not OP’s situation. The relationship is six years old. I can’t imagine that they are all strangers to each other at this point.

And?

I would have no problem doing that for another year or two if that caused the least disruption for all the children, and especially ensured that my oldest still came to see me every week.

Of course kids can share, you can tell them to deal with it, but if the outcome is they visit less then it's not really worth it. Sounds like both OP and DP realise this, hence the impasse.

The five bed option has been done to death. OP says it’s not an option as they can’t afford it, so is asking for suggestions for the situation as it stands.

And holidays.

So at best he'd be spending 3-4 nights with the OP in term time.

Nope. Nowhere have l said that or even implied it. What l said was that the simplest solution seems to be DPs two boys sharing the largest room and OPs two having their own rooms because they’re opposite sexes. DPs older child is 19 and only stays once or twice a week, so the younger child will essentially have his own room most of the time anyway.

What’s important is not that everyone has their own room, but that everyone is allowed a voice and an opinion. What they all want may not be possible, but including them equally in the discussions of the various options is important to foster good relationships if they’re all going to be sharing the same home.

He only has the son at weekends. So he can live M-F with OP and at his own home at weekends.

The two youngest children get their own rooms. You and DP get a room. The fourth bedroom is officially a spare bedroom and therefore the decor is fairly neutral. Most of the time it is used by the older two children, with your DD having priority during university holidays. When using the room these two can personalise, so long as the room can be easily returned to neutral spare for the next occupant (which may sometimes be an adult guest of you or your partner). Invest in suitable storage to facilitate this. Put up picture rails and buy both older kids a few poster holders so that it's easy to put up and take down posters.

Your DD needs to be willing to spend some time away during her holidays or sleep on the sofa occasionally if necessary, so that balance of occupancy and inconvenience isn't unfair to partner's older DS.

OP blending families is hard, you can’t do this in a situation where one of the DC loses. We waited 7 years to blend. You need to prioritise the DC.

My friend's mother was a Dick before Daughters advocate. She moved a new man in before the ink was dry on the divorce papers.

My friend still gets choked up when she talks about how awful it was to share her home with a man who wasn't her father. She's in her 50s now and it still affects her. She never said a word to her mother as she didn't feel she could.

Her sister on the other hand formed a really close bond with him. So close in fact, that in the months after the mother died, they took two trips together and shared a double room. So, it's not always a disaster. Oh, wait.....

OP you are going to force your daughter to share her home space with three men she isn't related to.

Do you really need to do this now?
Can you really not wait for a proper solution suitable for five adults and a child who aren't all family?

Feeling that they are important and valued is important, l agree. But teaching them that they are important and valued to the point where they think their needs trump that of others isn’t a great life lesson. It leads to selfish and entitled adults. Their importance and value should be tempered with the lesson that things change. Life changes. And if you’re not equipped to cope with that change you’re going to have a very hard life.

Handled sensitively and with the input of the children themselves towards a solution that works for everyone teaches them inclusivity, compromise, tolerance and respect for others. Not to mention team work. A much better solution than simply putting your life on hold and wrapping them in cotton wool. I really don’t understand why anyone posts for advice on blending families when it’s been clear for some time that MN disapproves of it in any form and hates step parents.

Oh so you’re the type with the ‘18 and you’re out’ mentality.

Where do you think a young teen who is still at University meant to come home to?