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Original poster

To think boyfriend has changed since I told him about my savings?

132 replies

sunissmiling · 10/10/2025 19:28

I’m looking for some advice / opinions please. I’ve previously dated men who have been a bit cheeky regarding money, so my guard is up a little!

My new boyfriend lives just over an hour away but doesn’t own a car as he lives and works near the city center. I live in a more rural area and need a car to get around. Initially, we spent most weekends together after we met, but now that things have settled down, we see each other every other weekend. He comes to my place one weekend, and I go to his the next and so on. I used to pick him up and drive him back when he visited me, but it was too much (as I would do the same when visiting him), so now he gets the train.

Over the past few months, we’ve both spent money on various things, including meals, drinks and activities. I thought our spending was fairly balanced, with us roughly spending the same amount on each other (though I’ve likely spent a bit more when considering all the petrol and toll costs). For context, he earns a higher salary than I do, but I have more savings (from work and an inheritance). He is currently paying off some debts from his previous marriage. As far as I know, he’s not struggling. Everything seemed fine until a few weeks ago when I mentioned my savings. I was looking for a new car and asked for his advice, when he asked about my savings, I stupidly told him the amount. I normally don’t discuss finances, but I didn’t think it would be a problem since we’re in a committed relationship. However, I feel like the dynamics have shifted since then, and it can’t just be a coincidence.

Here are some examples: A couple of weeks ago, I visited him, and we went out for dinner. He asked if we could split the bill. Later, we went out for drinks, and I paid for them. Usually, when I visit him, he pays for meals as I pay the travel expenses. The same goes for when he comes to mine, I pay for takeaways or buy nice food for the house. He’s coming over to mine tomorrow. He initially planned to take the train, but his parents are visiting for a day out so he’s going to catch a ride with them. Fair enough, it makes sense not to spend money on train fare, however, he asked me earlier if I could take him back on Sunday. It just feels a bit unfair that he expects me to do that and cover the fuel costs, especially since it’s not my weekend to travel.

Maybe he doesn’t see it as a problem now that he knows I have some money. I’m more than happy to pay my way, but I don’t think I should be responsible for everything just because I have savings. If I do, I’ll end up with no money left. It’s a shame because he wasn’t like this before, and I feel like things have changed. Am I being unreasonable? Am I overthinking this? Should I bring it up with him this weekend?

OP posts:
Original poster
sunissmiling · 10/10/2025 23:33

SALaw · 10/10/2025 22:11

So you used the see each other every weekend, but now it’s only every second weekend. You used to pick him up and take him home but then you stopped because you couldn’t be bothered even though it’s once every 4 weeks. And you both scrimp and nitpick over costs of drinks and trains when you see each other? I think you’re just not that in to each other.

I think that’s a little unfair. It’s not that I didn’t want to or couldn’t be bothered, but it would have meant that I was driving 2.5 hours every single weekend.

The only reason we switched to every other weekend is that we both work full time and didn’t have time to hang out with friends and family or pursue hobbies as we were always together. We were both happy with this setup.

OP posts:
Lougle · 10/10/2025 23:32

I can't think that £12k would be significant enough to change his behaviour, especially when he's on 1.5 x your wage.

everyoldsock · 10/10/2025 23:29

I thought you were going to say the savings were going to be at least £50k.

I feel you’re overthinking a little - understandable given your relationship history. I think it’s likely he just doesn’t feel like getting the train on Sunday, rather than about you having savings. Personally that would flag for me as someone who may continue to take the piss and often. If he’d said something like “please can you drive me back on Sunday as I don’t feel like getting the train and I’ll contribute towards the fuel or make it up to you next time I see you” then that would be different. The splitting the bill thing…could be just a bit skint that weekend. I would keep an open mind, for now.

Serendipetty · 10/10/2025 23:24

I don't think you're over reacting. He thought you were about equal financially. He now knows you have some money and in his world, It's for spending. Why should he spend his when you have some?

He's not as evolved as you. Easy come easy go in his world hence the debt.

SallyDraperGetInHere · 10/10/2025 23:24

He doesn’t have the running expenses of a car. He hasn’t bought a car. With a 13k gross differential in earning, even if paying of a debt, he must have more disposable income than you. Does he save? Do not, do NOT dip into savings for everyday spends. Make sure you continue to feed your savings. Set yourself a budget for dinners out/fun time, and that’s it, that’s your budget.

MzHz · 10/10/2025 23:24

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS @sunissmiling

you’ve noticed a shift and you’re right to do so.

This is you needing to pay more attention

he will drain you if you don’t put a lid on this.

Original poster
sunissmiling · 10/10/2025 23:21

Also I asked him for advice about the car because he used to be a mechanic.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunissmiling · 10/10/2025 23:18

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 10/10/2025 20:26

I think there’s not enough evidence yet. I can’t think of anything else to suggest other than to see how it pans out. Has he ever asked to split the bill before now?

No he hasn’t, that was the first time.

OP posts:
Namerequired · 10/10/2025 23:16

sunissmiling · 10/10/2025 19:42

It normally takes me an hour and 15 to get there. The train journey is slightly longer, by an extra 15 minutes or so.

Show quote history

But you have to do the journey twice when you are driving. Did you agree to it? I would have just queried what was wrong with the train. You might be overthinking it, but time will tell.

Original poster
sunissmiling · 10/10/2025 23:15

Just to answer some questions (and sorry for any confusion), he does drive. He just prefers not to own a car as he lives and works near the city center, so he doesn’t see the point in spending money on a car. He said it wouldn’t be a problem when we met because he’d get the train to see me.

We both have our own houses (mortgaged)

He earns 45k and I earn 32k. I have 12k left in savings (after doing some repairs on my house etc). I’m not sure how much he has. He currently has debt from his marriage. They were together for 8 years but only married for 1, so he’s still paying off his share of the wedding.

I have no problem travelling to see him. I love spending time with him and we always have a lovely time together. I do love him. But yes, it can be a long trip when I’m not expecting it, like on the weekends when he’s suppose to come to me. I don’t mind giving him lifts occasionally (like I did in before), just not all the time.

Yes, I realise it was a mistake to tell him how much I had. I didn’t think it through, but it’s a lesson learned.

OP posts:
BansheeOfTheSouth · 10/10/2025 23:08

A new boyfriend isn't worth this kind of mental gymnastics. Tell him you can't take him home, you have plans. Part ways and move on.

Sam9769 · 10/10/2025 23:06

This is a lesson for you for the future.
Don't disclose your financial situation to people in general including boyfriends!
It will lead to resentment if you have more money than them and it will change the nature of your relationship with them.
A good lesson to learn now!

SalamiSammich · 10/10/2025 23:02

Did you at least have the balls to ask him to split the takeaway costs?

KitTea3 · 10/10/2025 22:59

Fabulously · 10/10/2025 20:19

I’m in two minds about this. I’m going to assume he has little or no savings and you have like £20k.

In that situation I wouldn’t expect you to give me money or to pay my debt or anything. But I wouldn’t totally ignore the financial imbalance. The truth is, you covering 1 dinner out is going to be a drop in the water for you. If he’s the resentful type, he’s probably going to think he’s inadvertently in a worse position in life than you and that things aren’t really equal.

It’s one thing to split food and travel equally when both are in a similar position but it’s also a bit cold/clinical when you’re clearly in a much better financial position than he is. But again I’m not saying you have to spend money on him; it’s just that he probably thinks you see him as casual now as you’re tight towards him.

Plus you must see that it’s annoying for him that he’s on a higher salary - yet can’t buy a house or car, so clearly your inheritance gave you a boost in life. Even the fact you’re not in debt although you both have similar lifestyles (arguably you have the better lifestyle) suggests that you are much more comfortable than he is even though he has more money coming in. I’m not saying that’s a negative on you, but just that he’s obviously worked hard and that was kinda meaningless.

I'm disabled and limited to working part time. My bf works full time and is by far the higher earner. However I was fortunate to be given inheritance that I would never have honestly have been able to save myself. (That said he himself has also amassed a decent amount of savings towards the future)

We had been together quite a long time when it happened and tbh our plans were always to buy together anyways. However at no point since he has know about this has he treated me worse or different, he certainly hasn't expected me to suddenly pay for everything. We still try and split it fairly where we can (eg takeaways/shopping etc). I recognise that his income will make it more likely we will be able to afford a mortgage but equally he relalises what I put in from inheritance will also have a significant effect on how much said mortgage is.

It's give and take (and obv going forward there would be legal protections ring fencing amounts) but if your partner has this attitude already now I worry about how it will be going forwards for you

Luddite26 · 10/10/2025 22:51

I'm wondering why you asked him for advice on buying a new car when he doesn't drive.

Cherryicecreamx · 10/10/2025 22:12

I think regardless of the money, I wouldn't want to be ferrying someone around. In fact I find it a bit unattractive that I have to pick him up, to take him back to mine and then fund it as well. It's a new relationship, I'd be looking for him to show his commitment by continuing to get a train to you and you picking him/dropping him to the station seems fair to me.

Your savings are nothing to do with him, you worked hard for that and it's not for fleeting away picking up the slack.

SALaw · 10/10/2025 22:11

So you used the see each other every weekend, but now it’s only every second weekend. You used to pick him up and take him home but then you stopped because you couldn’t be bothered even though it’s once every 4 weeks. And you both scrimp and nitpick over costs of drinks and trains when you see each other? I think you’re just not that in to each other.

LavenderViolets · 10/10/2025 22:09

Throw this one back. The balance of power has shifted in his eyes are you have savings and he’s taking the piss to see how much crap you’re willing to put up with to make himself feel better. And never let anyone know your finances until you’re married……money changes people attitudes.

Lighteningstrikes · 10/10/2025 21:56

So he expects you to do a 2.5 hour round trip?

He’s a piss taker.

effortlesslyannoying · 10/10/2025 21:54

It might not be a money thing, more of an entitlement thing. Either way, it's not looking great for the relationship tbh - imagine asking you to drive for hours for no reason. Honestly, it's just limping along anyway, just move on would be my advice.

Minnie798 · 10/10/2025 21:49

I'm not sure.
It sounds like his parents are only giving him a lift to your house because they happen to be visiting that day. He may just have asked you for a lift back because he fancied a weekend of not having to take the train. You've only paid for drinks once (when you wouldn't usually). So I wouldn't necessarily think it was anything to do with my savings. I'd wait to see if a pattern starts to emerge before making that assumption.
My dp used to travel over 2 hours pretty much every weekend to see me whilst I was away at university. If it was a weekend where I was visiting home , he'd pick me up from a train station over an hour away from our home town ( I would have needed to get two trains otherwise, as no direct one).
It doesn't sound like your that into each other tbh if you only see each other once a fortnight and these types of things are irritating.

morebutterthantoast · 10/10/2025 21:44

Itwasachristmasjoke · 10/10/2025 20:54

I could not be bothered with this..
You only see each other every two weeks and neither of you seem keen on the travel, just knock it on the head

Exactly this. It sounds like this relationship is a chore.
I think long distance relationships don't tend to work out well unless the couple are quite well bonded before it becomes long distance, eg. they previously lived close to each other.
What are you hoping to get out of the relationship OP? If it's marriage and a family I'd run a mile. It reminds me of the relationships one of my oldest friends used to get herself into: lots of work, lots of mental accounting. She ultimately wanted a husband and family, but sadly things didn't work out as she spent too long trying to make relationships work with men who weren't a good fit for her, one after the other for years, rather than focusing on meeting someone who she was compatible with and found it easy and enjoyable to be with.
If you are older and/or don't want kids and/or are happy to have a less full on relationship where you have your own life and home it's different I suppose, as long as you don't let him take advantage of you!

nomas · 10/10/2025 21:35

You need to be assertive here.

Make sure he pays for dinner when he comes over and don’t drop him back.

Don’t fall into the habit of subsidising him. Remind him he earns more and costs need to be 50/50.

Tell him that your savings are tied up and you can’t easily access them.

kiwiane · 10/10/2025 21:33

You shouldn’t be travelling there and back when he could get a train - it’s not just the money but it’s your time and energy. It doesn’t seem like he’s so keen any more or he’s taking you for granted.

Greenmouldycheese · 10/10/2025 21:32

I wouldn't mention this, I'd just say no to the changes and unfairness. He's being a bit of a dick and greedy.