To think boyfriend has changed since I told him about my savings?

This

How did it even start you driving him? It's his choice not to have a car and unreasonable for him to expect this. I say this as a non driver; it's my problem and my responsibility to get myself where I need to be, same with your boyfriend.

I'd trust my gut. You have savings and he's in debt. Before you know it you will be covering a lot more.

Ah. It sounds like the energy has changed between you and you are looking for a rational explanation.

Men do tend to think transactionally and are seemingly obsessed with being seen as the provider (hilarious my ex husband bringing up the provider thing in counselling when I had consistently out earned him and he refused to go for promotions for made up excuses). Men who have this obsession can have quite a twisted 'logic' (it isn't reasoning it's entitlement) and trust me, you'll never end up agreeing on what 50/50 actually is with this type of man. 49.99999/50.11111 is UNFAIR to this type.

50/50 can be a trap with them, it's also a logic that extends into the rest of the relationship in my experience.

There's other good advice on here. Focus on his behaviours not the causes, and in future, keep your finances to yourself.

I'm just being cathartic from this point onwards!
An ex bf brought up the 'fact' I would not put some imaginary future money aside for a flat deposit. It was a ridiculous conversation a couple of years before we split up. I thought it was bizarre at the time and it only happened once. He wanted to know if I would consider getting a deposit together to rent him a flat. I was all 'when you've got a few grand saved up we can look at it again' (my way of shutting down the conversation as I don't discuss financial hypotheses, actual investing is complicated enough). When we broke up it turns out he'd really worked himself up about this conversation and was trying to use it as 'evidence' of how selfish I was. He didn't like it when I asked how much he'd saved up since we had the chat (spoiler alert, not a penny).

I suspect your gut is right. These tight men can be hard to get a read on as well. They're as contained and locked up as their imaginary wealth.

I'd say he's probably figuring that as you have savings he doesn't need to be as careful in splitting or sharing expenses as he was before. I'd not say anything this time, but next time he suggests splitting the bill just say "oh shall we split bills from now on?" And then make sure you split when it's your weekend too.
I would say he simply hasn't thought through the lift scenario from your perspective so I would simply say "you know it's a 2.5hr round trip for me don't you, I don't really want to spend my Sunday evening doing that".

Of course you are correct, not ideal, but you can't take it back once it's said, unless you have a time machine.

I’d be careful. £12k isn’t a huge sum if you want to buy a car and have a bit of change for something eg a holiday. It’s not your problem that he has debts from his marriage. If you’ve been paying your way he shouldn’t be pressurising you to pay for extra stuff. The £12k will soon be gone. I’d buy the car and put the rest in one of those accounts you can’t access easily.

Honestly. It feels forced to me. If your both into each other then surely it shouldn't feel such hard work.
I've had these kinds of relationships and they become very tedious.
When I met my current partner it didn't feel like a nuisance that we paid out for each other. It flowed naturally. Is it perfect? No.
But communication is key. When it feels hard work that's when you realise it's not working

You need to ask yourself if your willing to be financially used for the rest of your relationship.

In the beginning of my relationship I made the mistake of telling him I earned decent money. He was in and out of jobs after that, didn’t need to earn as I covered everything. As of now he’s been unemployed for 2 years and ‘looking for work’ whilst I provide.

The worst thing I ever done was show him I was self sufficient and I envy women whose partners contribute. The fights it’s caused has been awful and I don’t even nag anymore I just get on with it, someone has to.

If I could go back in time I would never, EVER have told him my finances as he worked and didn’t seem the type to do this. I was wrong, so so wrong.

Your options are to accept he might try to use you and the scales won’t balance evenly now.

Or pretend your moneys gone into something, learn your lesson and never let him know your finances again!

Sorry for the personal story, but it doesn’t get better.

Ltb xx

🥱 🥱 If you can’t trust him around your money then finish with him. These threads are so dull.

I would ask him what his financial situation is- the behaviour you mention is that of someone very short of money. You have told him your financial situation it is only fair he tells you his- also you can't assess whether his behaviour is reasonable or not unless you know his financial situation.

Goodness I too thought your savings must be £100,000 plus for him to think you should pay for things, if he is trying to run down your £12,000 savings he needs to be avoided especially as you earn less than him and it will take time to save more.

I honestly would never reveal savings/finances. Now you have, I think you need to backtrack - say you had to pay a parent back for a loan or something, because yes I’m sorry most people will lean on you

This is a new relationship so you are seeing the absolute, very best he is.

Bear that in mind.

Say no more.

I can't get past the fact you drive an hour 15 one way to see him. I can't imagine any man being worth that hassle....but i'm old and very over men.

You should never have mentioned your savings, sorry.

Last time I checked, it's possible to buy one-way train tickets. YANBU.

In future OP, don't discuss your savings or assets with someone you wouldn't trust with your life. I own my house outright. If I date now, I don't say anything but if a man is showing too much interest in my house, I tell him I'm house sitting for an elderly relative.

It's amazing how their attitudes change instantly.

Here’s my advice:

• foot on the foot pedal
• bin lid opens
• throw new boyfriend in the bin
• let go of foot petal
• walk away

This is the beginning of a series of p155 takes he’ll start taking. Bin him.

Erm, I wouldn’t consider someone with 12 k savings, accrued partially through inheritance, as having much money. Are you possibly overthinking it all? I might say no to driving him back, say you’ve got plans/going to gym. Not sure it’s much of a talking point though.

You are definitely not being unreasonable and you need to have a conversation about it, after all he earns more. You are not his Uber so you also need to discuss travel costs with him and he should make his own way to and from you. He likely doesn't know how much it costs to drive and keep a car.

He does drive.

If he doesn't drive then he doesn't understand he is putting you out of your way with time and money. He will assume good old you will drive him back so when he next comes over before he does so, explain you have things to do or prepare for work or missing your fav tv. If he is generous in other ways e.g. bringing groceries, mowing lawn, fixing things, helpful or useful then think differently.

based on how you describe it I think you are calculating too much. But you should trust your intuition on whether he’s calculating as well.

Sounds like he has always been quite happy for you to spend a lot of your weekend in a car for his benefit.

This. Going into debt to have a wedding that you can’t afford, and paying it off for years after the divorce..,priceless.