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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to my friend?

48 replies

NotBraveSoul · 10/10/2025 14:46

Hi all,

I’m feeling really guilty about this, but I don’t think I’m being unreasonable.

My best friend is a single mum, and we both live in the same city. This evening, there’s an event that’s very important to her, about a 15-minute drive from our hometown.

I’m currently staying at my parents’ house in our hometown. My mum had a heart attack two months ago and has since had four angioplasties, including one just this past Monday. She was discharged on Wednesday but is still very weak and feeling unwell. I’m here to help out and offer moral support.

Last week, my friend asked if I could babysit her two young children at my parents’ house so she could go to her event. My parents did this once before, even though they don’t know the children very well. I felt bad, but I said no, knowing how unwell my mum was, even before her fourth emergency angioplasty.

Today, my friend messaged again because her babysitter has fallen through and she has no other option. Basically no extended family either.

I feel awful, but I think I have to put my mum first and say no. She doesn’t need the stress of having two young kids around while she’s recovering.

(In case you’re wondering, my mum doesn’t know my friend has asked. I suspect if I tell her she will feel so bad for my friend she will very reluctantly say yes. I don’t want to burden her with any sense of guilt.)

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
menopausalfart · 10/10/2025 17:54

It's hard not to feel guilty, but there really is no need. If she's a friend worth keeping, she'll understand.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/10/2025 17:53

RockyRogue1001 · 10/10/2025 17:43

Who on earth has voted YABU????

My question too, @RockyRogue1001!

@NotBraveSoul - you are not being unreasonable in the slightest, but your friend definitely is!

Original poster
NotBraveSoul · 10/10/2025 17:50

Thank you everyone for your replies. They’re much appreciated. I really don’t feel guilty now.

OP posts:
Pezdeoro41 · 10/10/2025 17:49

Another one who cannot believe she asked you! I would never even consider asking a friend in your position this. Of course your mum's heart attack trumps whatever event this is. Frankly I'd be reconsidering the friendship, this is not what a friend does.

RockyRogue1001 · 10/10/2025 17:43

Who on earth has voted YABU????

WickedElpheba · 10/10/2025 17:19

Just say no and do it straight away so she has plans to make other arrangements if possible.

Luna6 · 10/10/2025 17:15

What a bloody nerve.

GAJLY · 10/10/2025 16:53

Your mother should be your top priority right now. She shouldn't have any stress this close to her heart attack. If God forbids, something happens to her, how are you going to manage looking after your mum and the kids?! Just say no.

CinnamonBuns67 · 10/10/2025 16:53

Yanbu. Your mums unwell which she's not been considerate of which is really rude.

Moonnstars · 10/10/2025 16:37

Sorry but they don't sound like a very good friend if they know your mum has only just been discharged from hospital and are still asking you to babysit. It sounds like the friendship is very one sided.

LightUpLavender · 10/10/2025 16:34

I think much depends on how long the event is, how well behaved the kids are and if they get on with your mum, and if your mum would find them being there fun or stressful. An overnight is obviously out of the question in these circumstances. I guess what the event is matters a bit too - like is it something truly once in a life time (funeral etc.) or a gig she’d just really like to go to.

Yousuns · 10/10/2025 16:15

Don't feel bad! You said no for good reason, and she was extremely rude to ask a second time.

Frikadelle · 10/10/2025 16:13

If it were my best friend (who is a lovely person has helped me out many a time), and the event was so very important to her, I would go over to her house to babysit. Assuming your Dad is at home to take care of your Mum.

youalright · 10/10/2025 16:09

Yanbu the last thing your mum needs is kids running around and screaming and crying. Shes recovering and needs to rest in a relaxing environment. Don't feel guilty about putting your mums needs ahead of your friends wants.

Silverbirchleaf · 10/10/2025 16:06

I can’t actually believe your friend had the audacity to ask for her children to be looked after at your parents house, when your mum is unwell. The event (a concert?) may be important to her, but to put it frankly, that’s not your problem. Your mum comes first.

Don’t feel guilty. You’ve done nothing wrong in refusing her request.

ComfortFoodCafe · 10/10/2025 16:03

The only person being unreasonable is your friend. She knows your mum is unwell, yet she doesnt give a shit only about her event. I wouldnt even babysit for her in the future after this.

Danioyellow · 10/10/2025 15:59

Sorry ‘friend’, my mums only just out of hospital and is still very poorly, so the answer is still no’.

Cinaferna · 10/10/2025 15:55

Has she no other friends?

It would be really unwise to bring any children to your mother's as the risk of infection in the aftermath of serious illness could be very dangerous to her.

Goditsmemargaret · 10/10/2025 15:54

I must say I am always happy for a friend or acquaintance even to request help from me; it secretly gives me a warm glow that they think of me as someone who is generous.

However if I say no (and I only do if it really doesn't work for me) and they then try to talk me round, well it really bothers me. I would be quite put out.

DinaofCloud9 · 10/10/2025 15:54

I can't believe she asked you.

WaltzingWaters · 10/10/2025 15:53

She is being INCREDIBLY rude to ask even once considering what your mum is going through (assuming she knows the extent of it), but twice, is extreme CF behaviour.
She needs to find a paid for babysitting service that can help. There are plenty about.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 10/10/2025 15:49

She’s being really cheeky asking this. You need to shut it down. Just say that you wish you could help but you cannot endanger your mum’s health to do so. If she keeps pushing I think it’s best to ignore any further messages from her. I’m astonished she’s dared to ask in your situation

CrowMate · 10/10/2025 15:48

What everyone else says. Surely your Mum should keep her circle small to avoid being exposed to potential viruses too?

Toofficeornot · 10/10/2025 15:45

No as your mum is ill, just say its too much for her atm to have people in the house and the caring duties for her mean you could not commit to safely caring for two children at the same time.

willstarttomorrow · 10/10/2025 15:44

I have been a lone parent (no local support) following DH's suddenly death and I understand how difficult (impossible) it can be to do anything due to child care. Just getting through school holidays was an expensive nightmare. But that was my problem and the hand life dealt me. Absolutely no way would I have considered asking a friend in your circumstances to do what your friend is asking. Not only is it totally unreasonable to think your mum could manage this, it is putting extra stress on you at a time when you do not have the emotional space. Please do not feel guilty, just message your friend that (maybe she has not understood) how unwell your mum is, thus is understandably is not possible for the foreseeable future. Do not apologise, this is just fact and if she does not get this she is very self-centred. I Hope things look better for you and your mum soon.