Is not giving a child any presents for their birthday a as punishment fair?

Wtf

I’m wondering whether the mother is only saying it to you and not actually doing it?

Ive got a child with adhd and you get a lot of judgement from other parents (I’m sure not from you - you sound lovely). And dealing with these sort of incidents where your child is aggressive is mortifying!

I do consistent, calm, small, in the moment, consequences which is gradually working for us as he gets more control over his impulses. But quite a few parents have said things like “oh, I’d take his screen time for a month for that”. “If he was mine I’d wallop him back” “Mine wouldn’t be getting Christmas presents if they hit a child who was just being a bit rude”.

Luckily I’ve got an older dd with no challenging behaviour, so I just smile and say something bland back. But she might feel that she needs to reassure you that she’s done something about the behaviour, rather than actually be planning on giving dc no presents.

No it isn't.

He could have given the other child a fractured skull.

He needs to learn that such behaviour is unacceptable.

Or, if she was able to control her behaviour, and had that level of understanding, she might think ‘why bother behaving I have already lost my birthday presents’,

It's much too harsh and will be ineffective. Punishments should also not be permanent especially with ADHD.

But I also have two children with ADHD and I know how devastating and soul destroying it is going through the phase where you are trying all the "normal" discipline and it doesn't work and veering into "I'm desperate I'll try anything". Extra-harsh punishments don't work either and are actually the opposite of what you should do, but I feel for mum, nobody hands you a manual (especially before diagnosis!) and she will likely be at the end of her tether, very upset by her DD's behaviour and the effect on your son, and probably worried about her turning into a bully etc. She is likely also spiralling that you will think she is an awful parent and/or DD will end up with no friends.

She is trying to do the right thing, even if it's not the right way to do it. We all make mistakes and hopefully as she goes further in her journey with learning about ADHD she'll find what support does work for her DD's behaviour.

I don't know if you can say anything which will be helpful, except to reassure her somehow that you don't think she's failing or her DD is a tyrant.

If you wanted to try, and DS wants to stay friends, you might say something like "Please don't worry about this; it will blow over for DS, I'll talk to him, no permanent harm done. I expect DD was feeling a bit exhausted after the week and it came out in her behaviour. We all say things we don't mean sometimes. Looking forward to the birthday party next week, let's plan our next playdate at a weekend so she's not so tired from school" - or whatever other future plan - basically reassuring her that you DON'T think she's a terrible parent or her DD is an awful child, that you do still value the friendship and it isn't necessarily this big huge thing she needs to stomp right away.

And if your DS is upset and doesn't want to play any more, you could say something instead about how perhaps they have just grown apart, but you can always get together without the kids. It's not that uncommon for girl/boy friendships to wane at this age anyway as they often become more aware of gender roles and gravitate more towards friends of the same sex.

Or maybe a message like "Hey X, just wanted to check in and say I hadn't realised DD was struggling so much at the moment, I really hope you get the answers you need with the assessment, do you want to meet for a coffee and a vent one morning before half term?"

If you do feel especially bad about the presents you could add something like "BTW, don't cancel her birthday on our account, totally respect you do what you need to do, but everyone makes mistakes - maybe she can earn them back."

I do wonder if the mother is calling the child's bluff.
The idea of not getting presents is going to hit hard. It will ruin her entire week and make her think hard about being so nasty to another child.
Even if she does get the presents this is something she would remember for life (and hopefully before she goes to be a nasty little madam to another kid again).
I wouldn't do this personally (but then my kids aren't nasty).

No presents is too harsh imo. I'd have felt very unloved at that age if my parents had done that to me. Punishment is absolutely needed, but it needs to take a different form.

as a consequence for the way she was with my son and the fact she refused to apologise she has said she won’t be getting any birthday presents next week.

She probably just said this so that you know she didn't approve of her dd's rude comments.

🤣🤣🤣

Absolutely! Definitely need to punish a paralysed child for refusing to walk! Totally unacceptable behaviour, they should be dragged out of their wheelchair. Or a deaf child for refusing to listen - he should have his dinner removed until he does!

I find the same helps with my grandmother who has dementia. She needs to learn not to forget things. Terrible behaviour on her part.

Yuck. Horrible. Just be better at parenting if you have to stoop that low.

I think its over the top. "Consequences" should have been immediate eg taking the child home immediately, no treats on the way home type of thing.

A child with additional needs might not associate not getting birthday presents with their actions of a week or so earlier- so not only will it have served no purpose but seems cruel to do so.

That's still horrible.

Having SEN isn’t a get out of jail free card!! Zero excuses for behavior! Underatanding yes on some of them but children with sen can still be nasty little fuckers and bullies and it’s NOT the sen that is jut their personality and you need to be a lot more strict and have more boundaries and rules.

Honestly I would have looked shocked and said oh no I couldn’t do that. And then left it at that.

No it's not appropriate at all

Completely wrong and unforgivable to do that to a child. It's impossible to know whether the little girl has a disability, but a punishment like this is 100% wrong for any child, NT or ND. I also wonder whether her behaviour may be related to the harsh way she is treated by her parents. Of course name-calling is unacceptable, but the response of the mother is appalling. There are far better, more constructive approaches than a draconian punishment for a little girl just turning 7.

That seems cruel. Hopefully the mum will mellow before the birthday.

Hopefully wider family won't take the same view. Can you imagine asking a kid, what theu got for birthday and the answer is 'nothing' because the kid isn't going to remember why they got nothing

I agree with a PP, she's probably saying this to appease you and likely won't go through with it. She just wants to show you solidarity and that she's taken her child's behaviour seriously.

I have an ADHD boy and by God yes when he's been disregulated under immense pressure (caused by a house move) he'd done some awful things, but no I'd never do this, even if I felt like it in the moment!

A teenager who's royally screwed up? Sure.

A little kid... probably not. They only get so many at the end of the day. The threat of it usually kept me in line 😅

Awful - even worse as the child is currently being assessed.

Buy the present then avoid playdates.

Punishments need to be immediate and connected. I'd have removed her from the play place if she was being rude. Can't behave? = no fun!

No presents is disconnected and next week. Just useless and mean.

What a stupid punishment.

Completely unrelated to the "crime", and isn't actually going to take effect for a week, so totally meaningless for a child with ADHD.

Over the top, I think the punishment for bad behaviour should be put in place at the time not a week later.