Is not giving a child any presents for their birthday a as punishment fair?

Thats still mean.
Why would anyone want to put a dampener on Christmas and Santa?
Children, really only get 4 or 5 Christmases where they are old enough to understand and young enough to believe.

For some children they would 100% focus on the coal and be heartbroken. Nothing else would matter, just the coal, and Santa thinking they were naughty - gifts from Gran and Auntie wouldn't matter!

Absolutely horrible and I imagine some of the behaviour stems from a lack of connection, which this won’t help at all. Sounds like she’s angry and stuff like that would fuel it. Also I always think consequences for actions are better and put it in context- eg horrible to people at the park we leave the park and I’d also ask why they said it. Also positive reinforcement e.g kindness jar or something.

I would agree it’s harsh- but also the poor mum is maybe just at the end of her tether

It's the sort of thing you'd remember for the rest of your life, that you got no presents for your 7th birthday.

Very unfair. Downright mean and nasty.

It's a very cruel and completely inappropriate punishment.
The message that the child will get is that she doesn't matter.
Celebrating a birthday should be completely separate from sanctions for behaviour.

On the other hand, at least part of the child’s behaviour problems could be because she uses extreme punishments that are unfair and too disconnected from the poor behaviour in substance and timing to make sense to the child and be effective.

Parents who threaten these extreme punishments often don’t actually follow through so the child learns not to take any notice of her anyway. Then she thinks the problem is all in the child and puts all her energy into chasing a diagnosis rather than looking at how to improve her parenting of a child who may or may not need ‘special’ techniques for a ‘special’ need.

Maybe she was just having a bad day and maybe she’s usually a brilliant parent with well-considered behaviour management with a child who is substantially harder than average to parent. Or maybe I’m just a former primary and special school teacher who’s is a bit frustrated with the zeitgeist of so much time and money being spent labelling kids rather than spending it on supporting good parenting and kind people in classrooms to help kids.

On my 7th birthday I received a space hopper. Brother wanted a go first I started to cry and dad burst it with a screwdriver. I'm now 65 and I can still remember the upset. Hated getting presents ever since.

I do not think withholding birthday presents is a good idea. It's cruel and sends a horrible message to the child.
That child will not remember that they had been naughty but remember they didn't get a present for their birthday.

Valid as a punishment after other options have been tried and unacceptable behaviour continues.

Yeah, I always contrive to fall out with people just before Christmas so that I don't have to buy them any presents.

But when it comes to children I think it is mean to punish them by withholding presents. No wonder the kid behaves the ways he does.

Disgusting. Some people should never have become parents.

The child won't remember being mean to your son but they will remember how it felt not to be celebrated on their birthday. Absolutely terrible

It shouldn't be your job, but in your position OP I would contact the mother and tell her frankly that this is too harsh and that she should reconsider. It takes a village and we do have a responsibility to step in when a child is being harmed (and this would cause emotional harm).

Noooo that's such a hurtful thing to do and even more pointless when the birthday isn't for another week or so.
Seems so cruel.
I think it's the lazy way out tbh. A demonstration of being 'strict' but little effort actually put in to think about something more relevant and meaningful. When I see the parent is this cruel it does make me wonder where the child heard the insults they dished out. Sad all round actually.

Hopefully if the kid gets a diagnosis the mum will get some help with how to manage neurodiversity.

I have a kid with ADHD autism and all sorts. And can say 100% that if punishments could get neurodiverse kids to behave like regular kids, there would be no more nurodiversity. It just doesn’t work! The way to manage is to anticipate when the kid is going to do something awful and deflect… blimmin hard work and a pain but the only really effective way.

Aside from this I think cancelled birthdays is just too harsh. Kid will remember that forever but just in a bitter way I imagine

I would never do this. Birthdays and Christmas’s are completely off cards in relation to punishments for bad behaviour.

Awful and frankly abusive parenting. Sadly, my suspicion would be that fat, stupid, idiot and swearing are all things that little girl hears about herself from that mother. Honestly this is so over the top I would be informing the school so they could record as a safeguarding concern.

A lot of people on here saying this is awful, but isn't the concept of Santa basically the same thing? Being good to get presents is a concept kids are very familiar with. I'm not sure that what this woman has done is any different to telling a kid they need to be on the good list for Christmas.

My dad did this because my DS wasn’t going to school. He thought it would teach him a lesson but it didn’t. It contributed to pushing my DS further in to the dark place he is in. He also ostracised my DS and told me he will not be taking him to football, didn’t want him to come to his house, he wasn’t invited to days out, told my DS he doesn’t want anything to do with him. I found it all thoroughly cruel and counterproductive and if anything my dad’s treatment of DS only made him worse. Completely unforgivable behaviour and my relationship with my dad has never been the same.

I hope she’s sent on a parent course when her dd is diagnosed (or before).

My dc (now adults) are autistic, PDA and possible ADHD, they are now adults and I have always disciplined them if they have done wrong but I would never not give them birthday/Christmas presents as a punishment.

No no and a thousand times no.
A child with ADHD will not think that far ahead for it to make any difference to their behaviour.
My mum used to threaten that we would have no Christmas presents and I am 100% sure she would have followed through. We were given the example of "unconditional love" at Sunday School as a parent would never do this even if their child was really bad because that's how parents should love their child. I knew my mum wouldn't love me that much.
I have recently cut off contact with her.

Definitely quite mean especially if the child has mental health issues (for want of a better description).

There are different ways of dealing with poor behaviour.

I agree with the mother on this one. She was probably at the end of her rope and this was the last straw.

My child has severe autism - but at least he does what he is told. Children with ADHD and ODD are a lot of work and can be utterly horrid.

The mother is probably going to have to pay privately for an assessment.

No that’s inappropriate and cruel. But do you think the mum feels she needs to do something extreme so she can tell you, as a way of apology? Children need to learn consequences of course, but in that situation it should be something like no more play dates for a week or something

Massive leap from thinking its an inappropriate punishment to saying that children with SEN should not face any consequences...

Yes the child should have a punishment. But not that.

You obviously have no idea how much damage swinging a cricket bat at a person can cause. They are designed to hit wooden balls, not people.