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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU protecting my time rigidly like this?

133 replies

ragandbonewoman · 09/10/2025 20:36

Like many women I have been a people pleaser for years. Accommodating the needs of others where I possibly can, bending and flexing to keep everyone happy.

My kids are nearly adults, and my life is probably the easiest it’s ever been. I love to sleep, I work full time in a full on role, and I decided a couple years back to prioritise what I actually want, rather than what I think would be best for everyone else.

I now don’t plan anything weekday evenings if I have work the next day. So Monday to Thursday. I’m so much happier knowing that I have this time ring fenced to wind down, recharge and get as much sleep as I want. My weekends are really busy socially, with DH, the kids, my own family (big family) and my friends, and I love that.

Some friends really get and respect my decision. Others I feel are really judging me, and just refusing to accept it, responding with “well you just let me know what weekday eves you’re free and I’ll work around you” and “well what about after work until 7, surely you don’t go to bed at 7?!” I feel like I have to keep repeating myself bordering on being rude, and am forced to keep saying “yes I know that I could, but I really don’t want to!”

Tonight I said to a group of friends in a chat (struggling to find an evening to have a takeaway) “you guys just carry on with that date and I’ll catch up with you on the next Saturday catch up” and my friend said oh for goodness sake if you’re that exhausted we will come to yours for the takeaway then you haven’t even got to leave the sofa!” Which totally misses the point, I have spelled it out many times, I won’t make plans weekday evenings! And no I won’t be the slightest bit offended if you crack on without me!

I told this particular friend last time she pushed like this that if she needed me (like something emergency ish) then of course I’d be there like a shot, but I won’t make plans weekday evenings.
i feel like I’m going to ruin our friendship by having to be really rude.

surely I can’t be the only menopausal women who has finally decide to put myself first and stop doing things I don’t want or enjoy to please other people?

OP posts:
Driftingawaynow · 09/10/2025 21:10

SummerFeverVenice · 09/10/2025 21:04

You are going to lose friends.

I understand your usual is to avoid doing anything social on a weekday, but you can’t expect all your friends to be able to accommodate that every time.

Your time is precious, but do you really need all weekday evenings all the time? How can it hurt to do a weekday night with friends once a month, or every other month?

You are acting like you don’t want to put forth any effort or inconvenience yourself at all in order to nourish your friendships.

Would you put up with a friend that rigidly said no way to all weekend evenings?
No, you’d push a bit and if it persisted, you’d think well I guess they aren’t my friend after all as they can’t even sacrifice one weekend day in six months to see me!

Or you’ll just end up with mates who can respect your boundaries

SummerFeverVenice · 09/10/2025 21:04

You are going to lose friends.

I understand your usual is to avoid doing anything social on a weekday, but you can’t expect all your friends to be able to accommodate that every time.

Your time is precious, but do you really need all weekday evenings all the time? How can it hurt to do a weekday night with friends once a month, or every other month?

You are acting like you don’t want to put forth any effort or inconvenience yourself at all in order to nourish your friendships.

Would you put up with a friend that rigidly said no way to all weekend evenings?
No, you’d push a bit and if it persisted, you’d think well I guess they aren’t my friend after all as they can’t even sacrifice one weekend day in six months to see me!

LaurieFairyCake · 09/10/2025 20:59

I also don’t do it, haven’t for over a decade. I don’t actually go out in the evening any more.

legalseagull · 09/10/2025 20:58

I think you need to accept you will likely loose friends by refusing to ever put yourself out for them

Childanddogmama · 09/10/2025 20:56

It's a great stance, however you have to accept that your friends may (eventually) stop asking you to weekday things, which is likely to lead to them stopping inviting you to things completely.

Original poster
ragandbonewoman · 09/10/2025 20:51

ToKittyornottoKitty · 09/10/2025 20:46

Can’t you just say you’re busy with family stuff in the evenings rather than making it clear you just don’t want to socialise? It’d be easier all round

I just feel like that invites the alternative suggestions I find so infuriating like “well what evenings are not so busy?” or “now the DC are going to uni you can’t still be busy with family stuff” etc, I just want a blanket no to Monday -Thursday that everyone accepts

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 09/10/2025 20:46

Can’t you just say you’re busy with family stuff in the evenings rather than making it clear you just don’t want to socialise? It’d be easier all round

ThirdStorm · 09/10/2025 20:43

I haven’t made plans on a week day evening for years. My work is full on and that’s the way I cope and balance everything. Great boundary.