AIBU protecting my time rigidly like this?

I think there is a difference in setting boundaries and acting like royalty with your subjects acceptong what crumbs you throw ie boundaries or people giving up over tme

You’re getting a lot of signals here that if the friendships are important to you you need to put some effort in.

No I really don’t, in fact when someone can’t make it I am quite grateful as I feel it takes the heat off me, I seem to be standing out at the moment and every time I say I’m not coming to something I sense this invisible eye roll, it’s hard to explain. I have also been called “flaky” (in a jokey way) a few times even though I’m actually not, I never dither or pull out last minute I just say I won’t be coming from the outset

We do also see each other at the weekend. We just arranged to go out for a long lunch 13th December. We also all chat in a WhatsApp group pretty much daily. But after we arranged the lunch people were saying that’s too long, let’s have a takeaway in between. I think a frequent level of face to face contact would have happened without trying before, as we’d see each other at all the kids activities and catch up, but I’m enjoying having those evenings back now I’m in a new stage of life, and I don’t want to make plans, I feel so much happier and healthier not rushing about anymore. I know it sounds really selfish.

No I really don’t, in fact when someone can’t make it I am quite grateful as I feel it takes the heat off me, I seem to be standing out at the moment and every time I say I’m not coming to something I sense this invisible eye roll, it’s hard to explain. I have also been called “flaky” (in a jokey way) a few times even though I’m actually not, I never dither or pull out last minute I just say I won’t be coming from the outset

You are lucky to have good friends. Don't push the away or you might end up with none.

Like many women I have been a people pleaser for years. Accommodating the needs of others where I possibly can, bending and flexing to keep everyone happy.

My kids are nearly adults, and my life is probably the easiest it’s ever been. I love to sleep, I work full time in a full on role, and I decided a couple years back to prioritise what I actually want, rather than what I think would be best for everyone else.

I now don’t plan anything weekday evenings if I have work the next day. So Monday to Thursday. I’m so much happier knowing that I have this time ring fenced to wind down, recharge and get as much sleep as I want. My weekends are really busy socially, with DH, the kids, my own family (big family) and my friends, and I love that.

Some friends really get and respect my decision. Others I feel are really judging me, and just refusing to accept it, responding with “well you just let me know what weekday eves you’re free and I’ll work around you” and “well what about after work until 7, surely you don’t go to bed at 7?!” I feel like I have to keep repeating myself bordering on being rude, and am forced to keep saying “yes I know that I could, but I really don’t want to!”

Tonight I said to a group of friends in a chat (struggling to find an evening to have a takeaway) “you guys just carry on with that date and I’ll catch up with you on the next Saturday catch up” and my friend said oh for goodness sake if you’re that exhausted we will come to yours for the takeaway then you haven’t even got to leave the sofa!” Which totally misses the point, I have spelled it out many times, I won’t make plans weekday evenings! And no I won’t be the slightest bit offended if you crack on without me!

I told this particular friend last time she pushed like this that if she needed me (like something emergency ish) then of course I’d be there like a shot, but I won’t make plans weekday evenings.
i feel like I’m going to ruin our friendship by having to be really rude.

surely I can’t be the only menopausal women who has finally decide to put myself first and stop doing things I don’t want or enjoy to please other people?

Of course they’re not. They’re…. Friends.

So you won't put yourself out for your friends on a week night, but you expect them to put themselves out at the weekend to socialise with you? They may have equally busy weekends with their families, elderly parents etc, or they just want to wind down.
We find meeting after work for early doors dinner/drinks works well for us. You can then get home reasonably early to wind down before you go to bed. Friendship should be give and take, but you seem to want it all on your terms or not at all. Stick with your boundaries if that's what's best for you, but dont come back to mumsnet in a year's time bleating that all your friends have drifted away.

They are not your call on demand therapist to ‘lean’ on when it suits you wth!

They are not your call on demand therapist to ‘lean’ on when it suits you wth!

That is a fair point. I accept what many people have said that I may lose friends if I don’t make more effort

Can’t you just say you’re busy with family stuff in the evenings rather than making it clear you just don’t want to socialise? It’d be easier all round

'Everyone with a serious career' not in my case or DH's, both have serious careers but will go straight to meet up from said serious careers.

Op we have done this for years. Everyone with a serious career does the same. It’s not possible to do everything, and it seems you have found a balance that works for you.

I have friends that jet in and out often make our gatherings once every few months. No one minds.

What I find striking is your friends not respecting your boundaries. It’s your life op. You can choose what is right for you. I actually felt quite cross reading some of their pa comments. If they truly cared they would want you to look after yourself and wouldn’t put pressure on you.

I only go out at weekends, and even then not that as often as I used to. We still get invited everywhere. I would remain true to yourself op. If one or two feel entitled to your time during the week, well that’s their problem. Quite frankly.

Perhaps stop over explaining.
if anyone asks just bat it away with a joke, if they persist have a direct word quietly.

This is so dismissive and self centred - so I'm having a bad divorce and want to meet up and share the problem, lean on my friend for support and im supposed to wait for a bloody bank holiday?!

There are some outstandingly shit friends on this thread!