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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to tell my friends to stop calling for a chat

211 replies

lissssa · 09/10/2025 20:20

Im a SAHM with a young child. ’ve got a few friends who don’t have kids and they love a phone chat. Not about anything major, just general stuff — the date they went on last night, why their manager “just doesn’t get it”, or how their hairdresser messed up their fringe again.

The thing is, I just can’t do long phone chats anymore. I’m fine with a quick five-minute catch-up, but it’s never five minutes. I’ll answer thinking it’ll be short (or because they’ve been calling every day for the last week and I haven’t picked up), and next thing I’m 15 mins in, saying “yeah… anyway…” while my toddler’s trying to run off, or bored at home tugging at me to go for a walk, or yelling because lunch isn’t appearing fast enough.

I’ll drop hints like, “just out with DS” or “just making his lunch,” hoping they’ll take the cue, and instead it’s, “Ooh, what are you making? I’ve just had fish. Don’t seem to digest meat very well these days. Do you?” Meanwhile I’m scraping pasta off the floor and silently regretting picking up.

And even when I start giving the usual “yeah, I guess so… anyway…” replies, they somehow keep going with “but what do you really think?”, “would you text him back though?”, “how would you have handled it?”

It’s not that I don’t care, if something real is going on, of course I’ll make time. But these endless, rambling calls when I’m in the middle of toddler chaos… not my thing anymore. My days are pretty full-on, and if I do get a bit of quiet time, I’d rather actually eat something warm, do life admin, or catch up properly with someone in person.

AIBU to just say outright that I don’t do long phone calls these days, or do I keep pretending to be “busy with DS” until they finally get the message?

OP posts:
Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/10/2025 21:08

Can you ask them to send you a voicenote instead?
Most people in my life have given up trying to phone me for a chat seeing as its hard to get through 5 mins without me shouting
NO NO NO
PUT THAT DOWN
I DONT KNOW WHERE THE REMOTE IS
GIVE THAT BACK TO HIM
etc etc 😂

BauhausOfEliott · 09/10/2025 21:05

lissssa · 09/10/2025 20:25

@BallerinaRadioif I tell them I don’t have time, they just go “sure let’s call at the weekend” - at the weekend I spend time with family. I don’t want to sit out for a phone call, whilst they go to have a fun day out? Or they’ll suggest we call later “call me when you’re done at the zoo” - then I’ll be on my way home or at home playing with my child or prepping dinner

So, essentially you don’t ever want to speak to your friends because you’ve got a child now.

Which is fair enough, but you just need to be aware that they will - rightly - lose interest in maintaining a friendship with you if you can’t be bothered with them. So when your child is older you could find yourself a bit isolated.

I also think the way you’re talking about your friends and their conversational topics suggests that you’re very much at the ‘Now that I’ve had a child, my life is much more fulfilling than your shallow nonsense, for I Am Mother’ stage, which in my experience makes people very poor company.

I’ve actually never been keen on chatting on the phone to anyone, so it’s not that I think phone conversations are essential to friendships - but I think if you previously talked to friends on the phone before you had your child, people will see it as important.

Ultimately, if you really gave a shit, you’d hit the speaker button and chat while you made lunch or you’d take 20 minutes out of your weekend to take a call while your partner was with your kid.

Artesia · 09/10/2025 21:01

You are supervising one child, not the nuclear launch codes. Yes "couples time" (Bleugh) is important, yes it's busy being a mum, but you do seem to be making rather a meal of it and a little bit nauseating with the whole "I don't have time for their banal chatter now I'm a mother" bit. One day you will look around and wish you had kept your friends.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/10/2025 21:01

40andlovelife · 09/10/2025 20:25

You will miss them when they’re gone. Which they will be if you dismiss them

This. Toddlerhood is short, life without friends is long. I respect my BF so much she always made time, with three tiny ones. And I was the oblivious childless one. She now has a lovely later life, her kids have flown, and she has tons of friends. Including me.

If you rely on your child and husband, you’d better hope you will be best friends with him in your dotage. Because he will be all you have. And that is precarious.

Beammeupbob · 09/10/2025 20:55

You sound like you're the 1st person who ever had a kid!. It's not impossible to chat on the phone if you want to. Buy some earbuds so your hands are free and pick a good time. I talk on the phone whilst watching the kids in the bath, folding washing, making dinner, walking the dog.

roseymoira · 09/10/2025 20:49

This is crazy, just put it on speakerphone and carry on with what you’re doing

PinkArt · 09/10/2025 20:49

You don't have to make time for them at all, whether you think their issues are real or not. But if you don't make time for your childfree friends then you shouldn't be surprised when they are no longer your friends.
They're calling because they value you and want to speak to you. If you don't value their time to the same extent then let them know and they can make an informed decision about how much to invest in their friendship with you

Winebefore5 · 09/10/2025 20:48

lissssa · 09/10/2025 20:43

@Winebefore5between their bedtime and mine is the only 1-2 hours in the day I get to hang out with my husband 1 on 1. I wouldn’t love it if he was suddenly calling people frequently instead of couples time.
Or it’s my one opportunity to do a bit of life admin.

of course as a one off, if they genuinely need help or something happened, sure. But it’s not becoming my new Friday night tradition.

Just tell your friends you cba with them anymore then…

EmeraldRoulette · 09/10/2025 20:48

40andlovelife · 09/10/2025 20:25

You will miss them when they’re gone. Which they will be if you dismiss them

My experience is that people with kids never do miss their child free friends.

arcticpandas · 09/10/2025 20:47

dilemma2516 · 09/10/2025 20:37

The sounds like she has become insufferable since she had a kid

She has less time for chitchat. Quite normal. But I tell people straight out that I don't have the time if that's the case.

Maybe you feel like there are some friends you just don't appreciate but that you still saw when you had plenty of time @lissssa ?

SquigglePigs · 09/10/2025 20:45

lissssa · 09/10/2025 20:33

@Winebefore5 then they say “ok call me back after the bath” / “call me back when you put him to bed” / “call you tomorrow?”

After bath or after bed sounds perfect. Why can't you do that?

Alternatively, presumably from what you've said about DC they are young enough to nap so would that be a better time to chat? I often scheduled nap catchups when DD was little or now whilst my friends have very small DC.

Original poster
lissssa · 09/10/2025 20:43

@Winebefore5between their bedtime and mine is the only 1-2 hours in the day I get to hang out with my husband 1 on 1. I wouldn’t love it if he was suddenly calling people frequently instead of couples time.
Or it’s my one opportunity to do a bit of life admin.

of course as a one off, if they genuinely need help or something happened, sure. But it’s not becoming my new Friday night tradition.

OP posts:
DirtyMartinii · 09/10/2025 20:42

Do you not want friends?

TwinklyStork · 09/10/2025 20:42

lissssa · 09/10/2025 20:25

@BallerinaRadioif I tell them I don’t have time, they just go “sure let’s call at the weekend” - at the weekend I spend time with family. I don’t want to sit out for a phone call, whilst they go to have a fun day out? Or they’ll suggest we call later “call me when you’re done at the zoo” - then I’ll be on my way home or at home playing with my child or prepping dinner

Ah, you’re one of “those” people, who have no use for their friends once they have a “little family”. People like you end up alone when the kids leave home and probably rightly so. I’d drop you entirely if you were a friend of mine.

Winebefore5 · 09/10/2025 20:40

lissssa · 09/10/2025 20:33

@Winebefore5 then they say “ok call me back after the bath” / “call me back when you put him to bed” / “call you tomorrow?”

And you can’t phone after bed time/ bath time?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/10/2025 20:39

I would absolutely hate that.

Ive hated phone chats ever since I had children.

Mine are 17 and 11 now but I still hate talking on the phone. It’s so tying some how. I’m happy to chat to people in real life, face to face, and to text back and forth but no telephone conversations.

I will call my parents now and then but that’s all.

Luckily no one I know likes telephone conversations either.

dilemma2516 · 09/10/2025 20:37

The sounds like she has become insufferable since she had a kid

Original poster
lissssa · 09/10/2025 20:33

@Winebefore5 then they say “ok call me back after the bath” / “call me back when you put him to bed” / “call you tomorrow?”

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 09/10/2025 20:32

lissssa · 09/10/2025 20:27

@Zanatdy how do you simultaneously talk to / supervise your child? Maybe I’m terrible at multitasking or my child is just not a sit still whilst mum talks kind of kid

Well my children are older now but with my hands free I could have easily supervised kids and chatted. Unless they were tiny babies. I’m the queen of multi tasking having raised 3 kids and worked full time. And still was a good friend. Cherish your friends. Yes cut down on time but friends are important, don’t wash your hands of them as your life has changed. My old school pals started having children later than I did, but we still remained close.

Winebefore5 · 09/10/2025 20:32

Why are you dropping hints? Can’t you say “sorry, I’ll need to go and sort the wee ones bath time”.

I have two kids and a few time a week have long-ish phone calls with child-free friends. Car journeys, when DH is doing bath time, when kids are napping/ playing/ watching tv/ in bed.

hsmith77 · 09/10/2025 20:32

Just put them on loud speaker or headphones and have them on in the background while you do the cleaning or make lunch for DS- you’ll miss them when they’re gone -

Rhaidimiddim · 09/10/2025 20:31

As others have said, you'd miss them if they didn't call. Can you schedule calls with them, so that you stay in touch, and can give them attention while someone minds the toddler?

Screamingabdabz · 09/10/2025 20:31

I bet when they have kids they won’t spend long rambling phone calls to you. They’ll be all precious about spending quality time with their kids.

You’re being far too nice op. Fuck ‘em off and say “look can we just arrange a Friday night to catch up because I just can’t do it when I’m in mummy mode?” Then get your partner to have the kids and have a clear night to at least drink through listening to all their non-consequential bullshit.

gamerchick · 09/10/2025 20:30

This place is weird tonight.

It's not on to ignore your toddler because friends demand your attention for ages. Stop answering when you're busy and ring them back if you don't want to say anything about it to them. It'll have to be trained out of them.

DierdreDaphne · 09/10/2025 20:27

After 5 mins shout "no Billy don't..aargh, sorry, gotta go" and hang up. ( I do the " gotta go" and hang up with my dsis quite often, even though I have no toddler here. It's just a bit much isn't it? Some people are just very self absorbed, even if they are also good mates.