AIBU to tell my friends to stop calling for a chat

Just ignore calls and ring back when time is better for you, it really is that simple! Or a quick text, sorry can't talk, will ring back. You really don't have to jump to attention to every message, call, notification. If it's anything urgent a voice message will be left, which you can listen to while parenting. Xxx

OMG you need to just stop answering, or as a pp said, just say 'we need to take this to whatsapp, as I'm in the middle of a few things right now.'

I used to know a woman - actually an ex colleague - who would ring me around 7pm, (like 2-3 times a month,) and would just talk and talk and talk and talk and talk.... It took AGES to get rid of her. Sometimes an hour!!! As I said earlier, I prefer to just whatsapp or text people (or as someone else said, send voicenotes.) Back in the day I didn't know who was on the phone until I answered it.

I just CBA to be gabbling on, over the phone. I have better things to do. I am happy to arrange to meet up for a coffee for an hour, or pop and see you if you want, as I can put that hour aside. I just don't want to sit there (in my house) on the phone, chatting for an hour in an evening. I want to be watching TV! Or out for a walk. Or chatting to my DH. The ONLY exception is my DC. I will always have time/find time to talk to them on the phone. That said, I can count on the fingers of one hand the amount of times they have phoned me in the past 3 years. They prefer whatsapp too. (And meeting in person of course, which we do 3-4 times a month.)

I also dislike people popping in/turning up unnannounced. I know a woman in my village who used to do this, and she would say 'ooooh, I'll only stay half an hour.' 2 hours later she was still there!!! I have better things to do than entertain people who have randomly turned up unexpected. If other people have lots of free time, and enjoy having randoms turning up out of the blue, then crack on. Others are entitled to NOT want this, without being called weird or miserable. I began to stop answering the door, when I could see her through the window.

As I said earlier, I really didn't think people phoned people anymore. Are they posting from the 1990s?

You do what you want @lissssa and ignore snarky and childish comments like 'ooooh I do hate these people who talk about 'my little family.' They sounds bitter and jealous to me. I mean God FORBID a woman wants to spend time with her own child!😱(And her husband.)

So you seriously cannot spare 15 minutes out of your day? You have one toddler, not a houseful, what are you going to do when you go back to work and have to juggle home, children and a job?

Well, if that’s the case, she’s obviously a bit self absorbed and needy. And I suppose you’ve got 3 choices:

• you put up with the way it is
• you tell her you can’t keep going with all these long winded chats but you can do (for example)15 mins twice a week or

Ring fence sometime to keep up with your friends, even if it’s only a brief chat you have a toddler now but they won’t be a toddler forever and your friendships will become even more important as you get older. Don’t isolate yourself and cut yourself off. just find another way to do it. You’ll be glad you did.

You have to compromise. Maintain friendships is important and you need time for your life to. So betwtr solution is to schedule calls. Thats what we do, me and my mates. They know to avoid meal times. And I schedule the xall while walking home, DS 1 and 2 are tired and silent or nap times, or when they have their screen time once a week. Just takes some planning.

I had a friend like that. Funnily enough, a mutual mate and I have just not that long ago parted ways with him after nearly 45 years of increasingly frustrating and fraught friendship due to his increasingly impossible nature and curmudgeonly attitude. Anyway, he used to phone and drone on for ages about frustratingly tedious, trivial shite, even to the extent of what I was watching on the telly and what I'd had for my dinner. One night he kept me on the line well past midnight, and I had to call in sick to my work the next day because I was too tired to go in. I eventually just ignored the phone.

And my experience is that it’s better to dump the person with kids as they become patronising, insufferable ans dull. However, also from my experience - they come crawling back when the kids are older but by them, I’ve moved on with new friends so 🤷‍♀️

I would say though that ALL your weekend can't be busy with the kids, or out and about? Are you overscheduled? What about when you sit down for 20 mins for a cuppa? Can't you ring your friends back then?

I'm not a chat on the phone type of person, I'd rather catch up less often in person and really have quality conversation rather tnan inane day to day stuff. The inane day to day chat for me happens on whatsapp as and when I can get to a message to reply to it. I've witnessed people on the bus chatting inane crap to their friends on their mobile, I don't understand it at all. The sign of a good friendship is not how many of your free minutes you can use up every month.

I wouldn't expect a good friend to treat me like an emotional crutch or an agony aunt. A good friend would realise that when you have children your time isn't your own anymore and by the time you've got to the end of the day you are just exhausted and often have no headspace left for anything other than flopping in front of the telly and cabbaging.

Don't your friends work? Aren't they also exhausted by their jobs in the evening and need to prepare dinner, do some washing/ironing or something? See other family and friends?

If you told your friend a couple of times, ‘sorry I can’t talk right now’, is she the sort that would take offence or would she understand? And if she took offence how bothered would you be? On the one hand she seems a bit needy and only thinking about herself but on the other hand maybe you don’t feel the need to have her in your life quite so much now that you have a baby?

Op why dont you just say... 'hun, let's take this to whatsapp because little one is running riot while im on the phone' Then just reply when you can..

This is why voicenotes exist
I have young kids and have friends both with children and without and we all just do a vn
You get the same impact as a call but can listen and reply when it suits

I’m probably going against the grain here but I flat out stopped long conversations with friends after having a baby. I’m not a massive fan of phone calls anyway, especially if it’s just inane chit chat. I’d just not answer and send a text explaining that your hands are full and you’ll call back when you have the chance.

YABU to answer the phone if you don’t want to talk! If it’s an emergency they’ll call several times in a row, leave a message or send a text. Just say you’re really busy and can’t do phone chats but happy to text and/or see them for a catch up on XX date. Dropping hints isn’t cutting it and you haven’t actually told them outright, so just stop answering

My friends and I voice note each other

You need to be Gen X about this. Don’t answer the phone! 🤣

It's a bad thing when new mothers have to start squeezing themselves into pretend roles in order to please someone else. Often when motherhood begins, some friends will naturally drop off and that is the nature of friendships, they're often situational.

How often do you actually catch up with them in person? I'm guessing the answer is almost never, in reality, and you've got DC on hand as a distraction when you do, so it doesn't have to get too involved. Friendships are a two way street, and you can't be bothered to put in the work with yours anymore. Dress it up however you want, but what you're saying here is that you're a SAHM, everything else in your life is a higher priority than your friends, and you're squirming to get off the phone after 15 minutes.

You say you'd be there for them if it was something important, but most people don't jump straight into serious conversation out of the blue. There is a bit of chat first, while they gauge your mood and level of interest in their problems. If you're broadcasting "I'm bored, gotta go", and you've already been dodging their calls for a week, do you really think your friends are going to open up to you? Of course not.

It might help to be less judgemental of them. Your attitude is that they don't have real problems, while your life as a SAHM to one child is "full on" by comparison. But the truth is, there are working mums and mums with bigger families or SN kids - or all three at once even - who would think your life is a picnic. And I'm sure you'd be very upset to hear them say it. It's all relative. These people are supposed to be your friends. Show some grace. It's the one thing you're guaranteed not to regret down the track.

SAHM with one toddler and no time for friends = something very wrong. Does your DH demand your undivided attention when he’s home? Do you have chronic fatigue? Do you live in a massive house and have to manage staff?

Or is it that you don’t want friends anymore?

You obviously have less time for it but I definitely miss these random chats with friends (all mine now have kids and it’s definitely less).
Maybe don’t pick up if you’re busy and call back/text back later and arrange a time even if it’s another day. You will miss them when they’re gone, but to think there’s a middle ground between never and sometimes having a chat. It’s a good way to keep connections with friends.
I always make the effort to have a big chat with each pal once a week. I do love a random gossip!

I've been reading the book Let Them by Mel Robbins. I'm finding it v freeing! It goes into a a lot of detail about adult friendships.

Not unreasonable long phone calls drive me insane child or no child. I got someone who seems to only call.. just send me a bloody text!! Because rarely it seems to be a good time to take it.
Also took a few phone calls recently which I thought would be 5 minutes and it went on forever! And then I feel rude waiting for them to finish what they're saying before trying to make my excuses. Let's meet for lunch instead!!

Call them when you have time to chat and listen, common sense surely. And if you can't be bothered to ever make time to chat to them expect to be left without friends.