AIBU to tell my friends to stop calling for a chat

Ignore her calls. You are too busy.

Not necessarily. Some babies are easier than others. Some sleep through the night and some don’t. Some mothers are more able to deal with sleep deprivation than others.

I really hate the “my little family” attitude! But a sahm will probably be up very early and is most able to socialise late morning or lunch time, by the time five o’clock comes around and you have done 12 hrs of child wrangling, I wouldn’t blame someone for not wanting to go out again at night. Again, that’s not a calculated strategy, it’s just the practical facts of the matter and the way things roll with young children.

I had a friend tell me that she didn't have time, she thought it was rude to her family. I couldn't really understand why she couldn't find five minute every now and then to call at a convenient time, but accepted it and made a mental note that I was dropped. She then got divorced and I made sure never to become her muse and doormat in future knowing that I'd be dropped. So TLDR choose your actions and words thoughtfully!

Or maybe it’s the attitude displayed in your posts that your friends are finding off-putting?

There you go again with your “until something better comes along” victim mindset!

Most people don’t set out to
reproduce to deliberately upset their friends you know!

The op hasn’t said anything unreasonable at all! Just that she no longer has time to spend chatting about inanities and needs to use her time more productively now that she has a child to look after. If anything, she is being too accommodating of her friends as she hasn’t been assertive enough to ring off when they haven’t taken the hint.

True friends understand that, and make adaptations, and don’t harbour resentment about it.

Well, no. True friends understand that other people are human beings with feelings, and that dropping them the second something better comes along is an awful thing to do. I will make adaptations for friends with children. But I certainly won’t make any for those who display the attitude in the OP. This OP clearly can’t be bothered with her friends any more now she has a child; they served their purpose for her. I will leave them to their “little family”, and no, I won’t be there when they decide they’ve got time or inclination to pick me up again.

Or, the woman who has had a child, values their friands very much, doesn’t want to lose them, but their life circumstances change dramatically once they become pregnant and have given birth. For the very first time they are responsible for someone other than themselves.

For most people, it’s not about calculatingly using a friendship until a partner and children come along at all, like this is a cynical. planned strategic move. It is simply that human babies are dependent on their parents, usually their mother, for a very long time compared to other species with whom we share the planet.

Even if you are a sahm which allows for more flexibility in the schedule, you may be battling physical changes, post natal depression, breast feeding, sleep deprivation, and you are locked in to a cycle of sleep, feed, nappy change, play. Later on, once a child starts to crawl and walk, you can’t let them out of your sight. Once they start nursery, the timing of sleeping and eating becomes more rigid and a phone call at the wrong time can throw things off schedule. Nursery school children get ill a lot too.

Of course friends are important,and parents should try and make the effort to keep up with friendships as much as possible. The reality though is that baby-sitters are expensive and your earnings will be diminished by having a baby. And if your sleep has been interrupted twice or three times in the night for two or three years, the very last thing you want to do sometimes is go out late at night.

This is real life. True friends understand that, and make adaptations, and don’t harbour resentment about it. Funnily enough, plenty of us who have had children manage to maintain friendships and have a good social life now our children have left the nest, and our friends come from all walks of life, some of them are parents, some are not. But we shouldn’t be slated for doing right by our families or for having different priorities once we give birth.

Get some airpods and ring them when you're out walking with the buggy. If they can't pick up at that time, at least you've left a missed call so you won't feel as guilty when you don't pick up to them.
I only chat to people when driving or pushing the buggy and it's all about hands free.

I never said being "single friends" was their entire personality? It was just a way of identifying them for the purpose of the thread? I didn't refer to them as single friends when I saw them. They were just friends. Unsure why my comment has triggered you personally but we are on Mumsnet which is a site for parents. The majority on here are parents and can relate to what I'm saying about having to give up so much of your time once you become a parent.

So you don't want to talk in the week day (as minding one toddler & talking hands free is beyond you), you don't want to talk at the weekend (as it's 48 hours of precious family time) and you don't want to talk in the evening after the toddler is in bed??????

just tell them you don't have time for them anymore. Then when your kid is older wonder why you don't have any friends anymore. 🤷🏻‍♀️

My friends and I with young kids just voicenote now. I listen to them while I’m doing a nappy change/ prepping food etc, and then reply to them while I’m pushing the pram. Means you still can catch up but at a time that works for both of you.

You can certainly see why there are posts from people wondering why they are friendless.

Point taken, but I was just speaking in general terms. To me voicenotes aren't comparable to a conversation. Fine if that suits people, but they don't have the same impact as a two way interactive call.

You should be honest and say you don't want to or don't have the ability to make space in your life for their friendship anymore. Because that is ultimately what it is.

Lots of mums juggle kids, family, full time work and still make time for friendships, even if it is a half hour call once a week. You have the time, you just don't want to prioritise their friendship so just be honest about it.

Your life is about to become extremely narrow if you only have room for your child/family. It helps to have other interests and people, as your husband and child shouldn't have the burden of being your 'entire world '.

Be very careful that you don’t end up very lonely and isolated if you push all your friends away. This stage of life may feel all consuming, but it does pass. Try not to let your world narrow in the day to day minutiae of raising children- make space for a little bit of everything.

The OP doesn’t appear to want a night out, though. She spends weekdays laser-focused on one toddler and evenings and weekends with her DH, doing ‘family time’. She’s the perfect example of the ‘my little family’ mindset.

Op you are not being unreasonable at all! Your life circumstances have changed! You shouldn’t feel apologetic about it!
And sorry to say this but most people who have children just don’t get it!

The way to handle this is to be more assertive and when you pick up say, “it’s lovely to hear from you but I have to go in 3 minutes” and follow through. Follow up with a message; so sorry but don’t have time to chat for very long nowadays unfortunately, when can we meet in person?

And arrange a night out, just once a fortnight or once a month would do it, when you see people in person and the first time you can address this issue face to face. “i’m
sorry I don’t have time to chat much on the phone any more but it’s so lovely catching up face to face”

You have to be quite firm in stating your needs. Your child needs your full attention. It’s a bit of a bummer for your friends but if they really are good friends, they will understand. They will be in the same position soon enough. Assert yourself op!

This. So many people here just seem to use friends until a partner or kids or something better comes along. They see them as completely disposable. It’s such a horrible way to treat people. These folks inevitably end up friendless and alone when the kids fly the nest or the husband leaves for something better (oh, the irony) and I have zero sympathy for them.

So up that should say.

Just what I thought.

OP you sound so young your own arse.

It is possible to have kids and a life outside of said kid. I’ve got 2.

Your posts sound as though you feel superior to them and their conversations are just crap to you now.

Given that the OP, by her own account, spends her entire life either laser-focused on a toddler, or with her husband and said toddler doing ‘family time’ all weekend, it’s not entirely clear what her contributions to a more egalitarian conversational timeshare would be, just as it isn’t clear why someone at home all day is behaving as though her friends’ phone calls are interrupting her splitting the atom or negotiating world peace. Obviously it’s not that parenting a small child isn’t work, it’s just not work that’s entirely incompatible with also talking on the phone with people she supposedly values.

no but sounds like the op's friends more want to talk at and share dramas than catch up with her to have an actual discussion

15 minutes? You're lucky! One of my friends would be on the phone for 2 hours! Thank goodness for speaker phones so I could get on with cooking dinner, eating, tidying up etc. I did manage to cut the time down by starting the conversation with an excuse and limiting the time available. But I don't enjoy long chats about nothing and I usually only phone someone if I have something particular to talk about. I suppose we're all different!

It might suit people to do this, but it's not the same impact as a call. There's no actual interaction.

No dramas or need to lose your friends over this. I can assure you you will need those friends to keep you going as a single mum, once you are less busy or when you need some respite/talk yourself.

This is what I do:
-Moaning people that only talk about themselves and have nothing fun or positive to say AT ALL during the call >> Don’t even pick up the phone.

-Good friends that may be having a bad time >> Hey Jane, that’s terrible to hear, I’m out at this time and need to keep an eye on little Tony, shall I call you tonight so we can talk without distractions?

-People ringing at the wrong time, pick up the phone and say >>> Hi Jane, I’m about to start a meeting/driving/whatever, may I call you later (or simply do not pick up)

I am not going to say I don’t find it irritating when friends who are not in the same situation do not understand my predicament. I used to get ballistic when a SAHM mum called me to work to chat as if I was at home, eventually I just had to spell it: I work in an open plan office and I am not allowed to take personal calls during work time, could you please send a text and I’ll reply when I am free? Thank you.

She is now sending voice messages that could be up to 10 minutes long but as she is not expecting an immediate reply and I can ignore them until the evening, we are fine.