AIBU to tell my friends to stop calling for a chat

But that's how those of us with kids keep friends. Especially when the friends don't have kids themselves

No. I would say at least fifty per cent of posters on this thread agree with the op and me so you need to read it again.

I'd suggest

(1) Don't answer at really inconvenient times - heading out the door, making lunch, etc. Use Caller ID to catch calls you NEED to take (doctor, etc.) and don't feel guilty for letting the rest go to voicemail. They'll text you if it's urgent.

(2) Saying at the beginning of the call "I only have x minutes" and stick to it. They'll get in the habit of telling you their important news or anything they really need to talk about up front, and it'll be easier for you to tell when something might really need a longer discussion.

(3) If they say call me back after, say you won't be able to. If you see these friends regularly, get in the habit of saying "let's talk on [whenever your next planned meet-up is]". If they're local and you do want to see them more, try including them in something you're doing with your toddler even if it's a walk or a trip to the park or a messy lunch. The conversation will flow more smoothly when you're both present, they'll get a better idea of what you mean when you say your hands are full, and it's probably not too early for toddler to start learning to wait a short time if mum's busy.

(4) Try telling them (maybe face to face) how much things have changed in your daily life now that you're toddler wrangling. You value their friendship and don't want to lose it, but for now your "free time" isn't really free and you may need to plan ahead more and spend less time but more focused time with friends. You can use the aimless phone conversations as an example of what doesn't work.

One thing I'd be careful of, though, is assuming the things they chat to you about are trivial. If it's a close friend who doesn't have other trusted confidantes, getting your advice on their very-new possible-relationship or miserable ongoing situation with their boss may be really important to them. Get their help in cutting out the chat and sticking to the important stuff, and be strict about it - but keep communication open to avoid a situation where a friend who's really struggling keeps silent, thinking "I can't bother Lissssa with this!" Good luck!

You’re about the only one on the thread who feels like this, so carry on thinking you’re right if you like. You’re not, but if it makes you feel better and less selfish…

Well, apart from the fact that lots of us have a child, go back to work, and live life roughly as we did before becoming a parent, including valuing our friendships exactly as before.

Er, excuse me, I have raised my children who are away at university now and I happen to have plenty of friends thanks very much, so your theory isn’t correct.

The people with whom I have maintained friendships understand what it’s like to have demands on your time from children, and we’ve either picked up again where we left off, or we have maintained a friendship throughout that was focused on meeting up every couple of weeks in person without much contact in between. In fact one of my closest friends doesn’t have children. And I have been there to support her through her parents last illnesses and deaths.

The op wasn’t dismissing her friends or assuming that her path in life was superior to theirs, and nor am I. All she was saying that its’s no longer possible to spend an hour on the phone chatting about hairstyles or someone acting strangely at work, once you are looking after small children, and I agreed with her, because I had a similar experience. If your priorities and daily timetable don’t change when you have children, then you are doing it wrong! And most reasonable people understand that.

Op said she preferred to focus the little time she had on meeting up in person and that’s what I have done too, A regular lunch date with a friend is much better than four rambling telephone conversations where you are interrupted and distracted by children. That’s a recipe for stress for everyone.

Well I've not got any children at home now, but, when certain people call me and just go on and on and on, I say sorry I'll have to go I need the toilet or I'll have an accident, or I've even opened door really quietly and rang the door bell, really sorry I'll have to go someone's at the door. Or I can't stay in phone as I'm waiting for a call back from Doctor or insurance or someone. If I'm not busy ok but after an hour Ive honestly had enough most of the time.

I’m in a similar situation except that I like my friends! I tell them I can probably only talk for 15 mins while I’m pushing my baby on swings, and having a walk around, and then chat handsfree with bluetooth headphones for as long as I can. It isn’t super relaxing but it’s important to me to maintain friendships. If it’s not important to you, which it sounds like it’s not, then yeah, tell them not to call. But you might miss them later.

I'm surprised they bother to call you at all if all you can do is make excuses about yr kid. I'm sure they will soon get bored of it and stop. Ten you can have 100% of your time devoted to your little family as you will have no friends

And this is why friends drift after one has a baby.
women are constantly moaning that their friends have buggared off and no longer invite them out or keep in touch…. And your example here is exactly why… if my friend was always ‘too busy’ and always wanting to get off the phone and make excuses not to call later like you are, I’d be deleting your number and taking you off all social media… end of friendship for me

Sorry?

I think you are being unreasonable. I get that you can't give them your undivided attention when you are with your toddler, but you could arrange a time to call them back and speak for half an hour either when your toddler is in bed or call on speakerphone while your toddler is napping, watching TV, you're doing the washing up, preparing dinner or whatever.
If you don't want to prioritise this then be honest with yourself that it is a choice and not something that you "can't do".

It is possible that someone who doesn't do much could have some very interesting things to say. People who have thought about things can be far more interesting than those who just recite everything they've done or watched.

A bit at a tangent here but mobile phones and texting just don't sit well with someone in your position. I have a suggestion which might not work for you but what about asking them to come over for a 'chat' at your place at an agreed time. That way, they would be able to understand your position and make allowances???

After reading your posts I think it's obvious to all of us why you "don't do friendships".

Completely agree with this

Absolutely this! ^

It’s common sense! Nothing more.

You come across as very dismissive and patronising of your friends in your OP. Like their silly little problems are so insignificant now you have a baby. Just carry on as you are and they will fade away anyway.

For goodness sake. She's not 'dropping them' and she'd be fine with a normal five or ten minutes call. The problem is that her friends are not, and want the same 40 or 50 minute chat that they were able to have in the past.

There's a happy medium that maintains the friendship, while recognising that she simply doesn't have the same availability now, and she's asking for help in how to navigate that and communicate it to her friends.

Seriously, so many people on this thread are acting as if she's casting them aside entirely. She's not.

I had a similar experience. We'd always arrange in advance to speak. I'd get a five minute monologue about her, and then be told that she was super busy and had to go. I dropped the rope as it clearly wasn't working for her - fair enough.

About a year later she re-surfaced because her husband had an affair, and left her for the OW. They were doing 50/50 childcare so she was suddenly on her own when her Ex had their son. I felt sorry for her, but kept my distance. It was a wise decision. A mutual friend who did step back in, ended up being dropped again when our former friend met a new bloke.

Good friends will understand if you feel pulled in different directions and frazzled, and they should be happy to back off a bit if you need some breathing space, as a good friendship will weather some waxing and waning over the years. But the other side of this also means making an effort where you can, even when things are difficult, to nurture your friendship and keep it alive.

Nope. You’re spouting nonsense, and all you’re doing is showing that you’re the same kind of awful person that the OP is. Time and inclination for friends until they pop a sprog or get a partner. That’s ok though, you and her are the ones who’ll end up friendless and it’ll be your own fault. Zero sympathy!

I don't have friends ringing for chats, but instead we plan occasional meets for drink and dinner. Would that be preferable? The only people I chat with on the phone are my DP (not living together) and my DM, but only until the kids need me.

Just don’t answer, but you sound like everyone is beneath you with their unimportant childless barren lives. Just don’t whinge you don’t have “a village” when you’re stuck for childcare.

Just don't answer. I hardly ever answer my phone. My mum rings for a chat often, I hardly ever answer cause I don't want to spend ages on the phone.

I had a couple of international friends who kept wanting to video chat, I cut them off. I have one other who wants to video chat who I love but haven't spoken to in a year, cause I don't have time for this.

I've a few friends who we speak only via certain apps, and that's cool, but would never speak on the phone to in a million years.

If I thought someone was calling me just for a chat their chance of being answered would be literally zero.

You are so fortunate to have friends and family who love to hear your voice.
Don't answer the phone when you are busy.
After five minutes say - Anyway, got to go. I'm in a pickle. Talk to you again in a few weeks. Love you. Bye. xx